My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

I suppose there doesn't have to be a 'rift' for them not to be close. All my grandparents died before I got married or turned 30 so it's hard to compare, but 2 of DHs grandparents were alive and cane to our wedding despite there only being 20 at our ceremony. However, I would say it was more out if duty than especially wanting them there. I'm glad we invited them as it seemed the 'right thing to do' but I don't think they especially enjoyed the day or added anything to our day.

He was never especially close to them, always felt they favoured his cousins and the times I met the, i found one if them in particular fairly cold and critical, which I get the impression us how he had always found them. So I never saw him make much effort with them but I could kind of see why. The groundwork for him wanting to spend time with them as an adult hadn't really been put in. Whereas I know my uncle and aunt were practically guests of honour at their grandsons wedding recently, but he had always been close to them, they doted on him, did childcare when he was little, helped him with stuff as a student and were generally easy to be himself around. So I suppose I'm saying there doesn't have to be a rift for the affection not to be there, it can just be a personality thing. We don't chose our relatives.

And you don't know it will be their 'last'. You can't think like that or predict what will happen. My gpil were in their 80s but they weren't the first of our wedding guests to die after our wedding, and in fact I know they upset the person who was, who was much more important to us, about something on the day, so I feel a bit sad about that. In the same way your nephew could bump a genuinely close friend or relative from the guest list to fit in a grandparent he isn't close to, and could regret that decision if something happened to them or it damaged that valuable relationship.

As a grandmother, I’d feel very hurt not to be invited to the ceremony.

I don’t speak much to my grandma because she always insults me and is rude to my mum. If you asked her, she would say it’s because I don’t phone her. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe I'm too bound by convention, but I do feel that grandparents come into the small category of people you invite to your wedding whether or not you are particularly close, unless there is a very good reason not to (ie they would actually make the event unpleasant in some clear way).

When I got married, I invited my father's stepmother and stepsister even though I'd not had contact with them for about 10 years and even my father had very little contact. They didn't come, I didn't really expect them too, but it seemed like the right thing to do as they were my father's closest family.

When my cousin got married, she decided not to invite our grandmother who was in her 90s and had quite advanced dementia by that stage. My grandmother would most probably have been distressed by attending and it would have made the wedding hard for our family. My cousin and grandmother were very close, so it was sad, but the best thing for everyone. We didn't tell my grandmother about the wedding.

If I'd considered my grandmother to be immediate family and the line I was drawing was immediate family, I would have invited her. Different people have different family set-ups. Doesn't make them bad people.
Weddings mean different things to different people. For us it was a legal event and a party. My grandparents believed it was a religious sacrament and a union blessed by God. Both valid views, but very different.
The grandparent in question was also deeply unhappy when any of our generation chose not to get married in church. Should we have done so?

What do you mean when you say they are on good terms but never see each other and don't speak? My brother got married recently, he didn't invite any of our paternal family because we've had nothing to do with them beyond a Christmas card since we were primary school aged. If the close relationship isn't there by now, it's way too late. He doesn't owe her a last wedding and he is entitled to choose who is important to him.

I’m also sure that if they were actually on good terms, his parents would say something. Not their aunt who’s sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong.

But that depends on the closeness if the relationship surely? I loved my grandparents (and would have invited them to my wedding if they were still alive) but I consider immediate family to be the people I grew up living in a house with, ie parents and sibling, and now the people I live with is DH and DC. Grandparents are definitely the next tier of relatives to me (different if you grew up living with them) so if I wanted a tiny wedding they would come after parents and siblings in priority.

I think weddings christenings and funerals all bring out awful behaviour.
at my wedding, we invited as many people as possible but half my DH’s relatives I’d never met, and my DH infrequently, so we pruned. That caused a stink.
at my son’s Christening the godparents were friends - not my sister or BIL. Sister understood we wanted to “widen the support net” and she was closely involved with my kids throughout. BIL got very offended.
at my FIL’s funeral my DH wasn’t allowed to write his own eulogy, he was happy for someone else to do it if they wanted but no, he had to read out a eulogy written by his uncle, all about his father & uncle’s childhood. To avoid another big stink.
Frankly, I’d have invited the grandmother out of kindness. But either way, make sure you keep it a nice, happy day without stinky behaviour.

I agree that it is a job for his parents.
We don’t know the background.
My nephew didn’t invite his gran from dad’s side to his wedding (or anyone from dad’s side as they never bothered with him even before divorce) no one questioned it knowing the story.
If it was the other grandma not invited people would ask non stop what happened.

Two things. If it's a church wedding, an invitation isn't required to sttend the ceremony.

Secondly, it's his grandma. Of course she should be invited to the whole shebang and afaiac, it isn't negotiable. His conduct is disgraceful.

OTH if the grandmother were considering leaving a gift via her will to her grandchildren, if I were in her shoes, I'd think about changing it - you know affording him the same respect he afforded me.

I think he's being very rude indeed.

This is now the new normal, we live in a ageist society. It's also quite normal to have weddings with no children invited.Personally I would prefer not to attend a wedding that discriminates on the grounds that they can & do.I would of thought that the majority of cultures would welcome children & mature relatives to attend the wedding with the exception of the UK! It may be that the bride & groom would prefer to have young attractive guests to share photos on Instagram!

What’s his mother or father’s take on it? Surely it’s them who should be having a quiet word.

I'd ask his mother what she thinks of it and ask her to speak to him.

It’s his wedding so he can invite who he wants. What has his grandma said about not being invited?
If you want some nice photos of all the family together then you should host a family party for all so you can get the photos. You can’t expect him to invite her to a wedding just for the sake of photos!!

I would first talk to your sibling who is his parent and find out if they have already discussed it. I think it's very hurtful to leave the grandma out of the ceremony, and he probably doesn't realise what a horrible situation this will be for her unless someone points it out to him. If he deliberately wants to hurt her he will crack on regardless, but if he's just being thoughtless then I think someone should definitely raise it with him.

Well it seems he’s not that bothered about maintaining a relationship with her. There could be many reasons for this. I would keep right out of it.

If they haven't fallen out then it does seem unnecessarily mean not to invite her to the ceremony, if other members of the family such as aunts are being invited to the full thing.
However I would agree with other posters - don't get involved in this, let the people directly involved deal with it (whether that's to raise it or not).

Why didn't his grandmother discuss this with your sibling? Why are you involved?

I would not be surprised if the answer to this will also give some background on why the grandmother was not invited to the ceremony.

I would be absolutely disgusted if one of my nieces or nephews did this! They most certainly would get short shrift from me and i would not go either.

Soooo, the fact that I started the second sentence "seriously though" would have been a hint to most people that the comment about the will was flippant and tongue in cheek. Leaving a grandparent out of a normal wedding in normal circumstances is just bloody rude, actually.

OP why haven't you asked your nephew or his parents? Were you invited to the wedding?

That’s not good, and seems unkind. I would discuss this with your nephew or with your sibling. There may be a good reason for it. He also may have thought he was doing the right thing, doing her a favour (for whatever reason). I don’t understand people saying ‘you can’t say a thing, it’s his decision’. There is no harm, in my opinion, in very kindly asking why/how this decision was made, and take it from there. You can then still respect his decision, but at least if you understand, you can explain this to grandma. Or who knows, he may happily change his mind?

Unless there’s some dreadful backstory, which there doesn’t seem to be, he sounds selfish and callous. Which doesn’t bode well for his marriage or children.

Maybe not being mean? Maybe he thought that at 81, it's a bit tough for her to do the whole thing - and if he had to choose between the day and evening, she might prefer to sit with quietly with family, and leave in her own time, at the evening reception? Rather than stand around for ages, possibly in the heat of a summer's day, chatting to people she doesn't know, be faced with a lot of alcohol and food she might not be able to eat, and sit on a hard chair while listening to speeches?

It might not involve all of those things of course (the chairs might be padded!), but the average wedding day is a bit of a marathon, even for the hale and hearty.

I'm sure there thousands of octogenarians for whom that would be a walk in the park, but for many it'd be really difficult. Obviously you think your mum is more than up to it OP, but your nephew might not have the same experience of her as you do.

Or, maybe the bride is only inviting her grandparents to the evening do, and it seemed fair and reasonable for both GPs to be at the same event.

Anyway, my advice would be to find out what's what, before jumping to the conclusion that he's an uncaring nephew. Check with him - or your sibling who's his parent - exactly what's involved in both the daytime and evening events.

You don't say what your mum actually wants. But if you can give her more detail about what each event involves, and she says she'd rather go to the daytime ceremony - then you could ask your nephew or sibling very politely if she could be included. But ultimately, as PPs have said, it is nephew and his wife's day.