My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

I agree HiRen. Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Maybe gran gains comfort keeping in touch in the hope one day he’ll do the same

I agree. Thank goodness I inhabit a very different world from many posters on this thread! Not asking a grandparent to a wedding ceremony is appalling behaviour. Your nephew is a brat OP, end of.

Hello, OP. I feel for you. There are some bloody weird responses on here! What the hell is wrong with people? You have been told not to ‘interfere.’ No suggestion of that in your post.
I despise the opinion ‘ It’s their wedding, they can invite who they like.’ Not right. A wedding is a big social event, a watershed, and we have a duty to invite family members. It isn’t civilised and it’s ill mannered to do otherwise
Despite what some posters say, it IS your business. The grandma in question is your own mother and she deserves a voice and someone to defend her.
So far, you haven’t had explanation about the strange invitation ( I do find it very odd that your mother isn’t invited to the ceremony).
I am going to follow this thread to see if the situation is resolved. I do hope the who,e thing has been some kind of mistake 🌺

I don't think there is another poster said it it's for the photos. Young people today are obnoxious and vain. Sometimes you have to take the ops word for it granny was proactive in helping her daughter bring up her children. If granny got a bit cross now and then she's only human.

I know nothing about your relationship with your mother or how it affected her relationship with granny. The op sounds genuine and I believe her.

A wedding is a big social event

No it is not.

It's a big social event if that's what the couple want to turn it into. How two people deciding to get married go about it, and the particulars of who is or is not invited to be present, is of nobody's business but the two people getting married themselves.

I wouldn't worry you're going to get a lot of goady posts trying to bring you down. If their life was great and they had it all figured out they would be giving you good advice. They can't because it's shite for them. I tell my kids to be careful when they go out a lot of people have bad intentions.

Your nephew is a little shit. How hurtful to your mum.

it’s okay to behave like this in your teenage years but by thirty he should have more empathy.

But think that ship has sailed. I am trying to put myself in your position. Your family is not as close as mine - my sister and I would have talked about this before the invites even landed and either she or I would have told the offending little cretin not to be so horrible to his grandmother.

if he dug his heals in I know my mum would be too hurt to attend, and then I am not sure I could go out of loyalty. BUT my nephew would never do this. Never ever

Something tells me that if he does receive something in her will he will accept it without the slightest twinge of guilt about how he has treated her.

I'm genuinely baffled by the responses. How can anyone really think excluding a grandmother who has been involved in your care and life from a family wedding is acceptable.
It's hurtful to not invite one family member let alone an 80 year old.

I mean even if he hates granny surely anyone with a handful of brain cells would know that this will be viewed by others as a massive snub. You'd either go NC if that bad or just suck it up because it's so odd to not invite a grandparent to a wedding ceremony.

im not clear from your posts (or can’t read properly) but are you invited to the ceremony?

If as he says it’s a money saving thing can you offer to give up your spot for your mother?

because he is pretty much nc with the grandmother.

the OP is clearly biased and is only able to give her take, and posters are assuming that she must be a wonderful person who is being unfairly treated. But the fact the nephew isn’t in contact with her and his parent is supporting the decision would indicate otherwise.

OP you still haven't clarified if you, or who else is invited to the ceremony.
As the reception is in a pub I'm assuming it's a fairly low key low budget affair. Is the ceremony going to be a very small affair?

I think this is awful and I wouldn’t just shrug my shoulders and leave it either. If your sister wants to ignore your message, I’d call her. And keep calling until she answers. If she still won’t speak about it then I’d contact the nephew myself. It’s just unacceptably rude and disrespectful of your nephew.

Weddings, like wills, are definitive statements on how important we are to other people. They are the frozen points in time, whose emotional impact cannot be undone after the fact - nothing can erase the memory of not inviting a significant family member to your wedding! Just as you cannot undo the impact of deliberately leaving g a person out of your will. These actions make it crystal clear where we stand!

A mum, or aunt in this case, has a 'duty' not only to protect and advocate for their own mother, but to the groom also - to stop him from making a monumental mistake and doing something where the consequences will last forever. He won't be able to take back the natural fallout from this decision. If he hates his grandmother, if she was a terrible granny, then he doesn't have to include her 'just because' she's family. But if he doesn't actively hate her and his decision is genuinely a poorly thought out move on his part, then to have everyone mind their own business and say nothing, like this is an okay and normal thing to do, means he will not be protected from the unintended consequences of what he's doing!

Now you can reasonably say that a man in his 30s shouldn't need his mum and aunt to point out the bleeding obvious, but some people are a bit thick/self absorbed and could do with the help. Especially if that help protects his elderly gran.

Have posted the above in the assumption that this is a 'normal' family and there's no weird backstory.

I get you are upset but this entirely misses the point, kids are not invited to weddings because the couple don’t e want them there, not to “save” them from something they don’t enjoy. The wedding is for the couple, no one else.

Your mum and you will just have to accept that the nephew isn’t that bothered about a close relationship with his grandma, you and I might think that makes him a shitty person, but there we go.

Quite. Op starts out by saying that they are "on good terms", but every single subsequent comment says they are not. The only contact between them is the odd card from the grandmother which he never acknowledges or responds to. She has never been invited to visit, nor has he visited her. It is twoi days on from the OP and the OP's sister has so busy a life that she hasn't responded to her sisters demands that gran be invited to the ceremony. It is assumed that because he is a man he must be ignorant or disrespectful. Buit everything the OP has said indicates that he has deliberately chosen to go no contact. Nobody here can possibly think otherwise - there is no evidence of the "good terms" the OP claims. And if he has chosen that then there is no reason why he is obliged to share it, or say why, with the OP or the entire of MN. As for grandmother being very involved with him as a child, this is MN - can nobody think of any reasons why someone may choose to go NC with a childhood caregiver, because they mustn't be reading the same site that I do.

And quite seperately I do hoe that nobody they know reads the very outing thread here, because in his shoes if I found out that my business was being used as entertainment on a website, Gran would not be the only one I was nc with. Playing out your private family drama on a public website - now that really is disrespectful, but Aunt doesn't seem to care about that.

I think it's awful he hasn't invited her

And surprised how many people on here suggesting it's absolutely fine

No wonder we have an epidemic of loneliness and people's mental health deteriorating due to isolation

Blimey OP, I’m surprised you bothered posting about it since you’re being so snippy with all the questions and replies. You’re clearly not interested in anyone else’s opinion.

I’m curious why OP has ignored all the questions about the ceremony.

Who is invited? Are you? How many are they having? Is it a dedicated service or are they going down to the registrar’s?

She's only missing the first half an hour of a wedding for goodness sake. That isn't the cause of anyone's loneliness or isolation. So dramatic.

It sounds thoughtless of him but people are like this. You can’t make him want to invite her.

She'll be missing the wedding ceremony, which gives a clear message that she's unimportant. This would make many people feel lonely and isolated

Nephew can and will do what he likes, but these gestures have consequences

So they don't speak outside of your mum sending him a few cards every now and again. Unfortunately for your mum they just don't have a relationship.

For whatever reason he doesn't want her there. It's sad for your mum but he's a grown man who can decide this sort of thing for himself.

Everyone else sticking their nose in won't help matters. You can't dictate the guest list of a 30 year old bloke on his own wedding day.