Canceling wedding with a month to go

[Weddingname457]

There’s no reason I should cancel my wedding but my gut feeling is to run. We’ve been together for years and I love him but something is stopping me from taking that next step. He’s a very nice, stable person, he works hard, and is a diamond really. I wouldn’t find anyone better.

Anybody had this feeling but gone through with it anyway, or know why I might be having these ‘run away’ feelings?

I disagree. I could go out tonight and find 5 men to have sex with which could result in pregnancy which I could go through with. Men don't think about sex they just do it.

I doubt I'd find a man who would want to marry me. 😳

Gosh you read it In Here att women who've had child after child with men but the men won't marry them.

Don't underestimate how big a commitment marriage is

How old are you?

Once you have kids with someone there is a chance - might be low, might be very high depending on the person - that you are bound to them for decades, if not life.

Obviously OP is talking about children with a long-term partner, where the chances of them just walking away with no say in the child's life are far lower than with a ONS.

In that situation, you are more likely to be linked to the other person for far longer, and more deeply, than a marriage.

Look at all the women who are obliged to bring their kids to their deadbeat dad's, even when there is proven abuse.

Do you actually love him? You keep saying he's a great guy but nothing about how you actually feel about him.

My grandfather who was in his 90's at the time told me 'you don't marry someone you could live with, you marry the person you couldn't live without' now I know that's a very simple way of looking at things but it made me think at the time. I was in a relationship with a lovely guy who totally accepted my ds who was less than two when we got together, he had a good career, his family were fantastic, he had our future mapped out and it all looked great but there was something that made me hesitate and it was my wonderful old grandfather who spotted it. I finished the relationship because I knew he was planning to propose and while I loved him it didn't feel right to marry him. He was married to another woman within two years so it worked out for him and I was glad of that, I met my husband a few years later, sadly my grandfather died a few weeks after we started dating (we were friends for almost a year first) but the relationship was totally different to my previous one, I never had a doubt about being with him, we lived three hours apart, he was starting a business, I'd a chronic illness that was worsening resulting in me retiring in my 30's but we knew we were together no matter what and while I know the first guy would have been supportive and loving through the same circumstances it is just different with the man I married. Regarding your income etc if you were totally confident of the relationship this wouldn't be worrying you. Please find someone to talk to asap, you are doubting your future with this man and that does not happen for no reason.

I do love him, I think I keep emphasizing he’s a good guy so people don’t think this is one of those situations where the man has numerous red flags and I should be running!!

Maybe you're just on a good place together and don't need the "officialness" to prove your commitment

@Readingismyfirstlove has a good point. How would you feel if he told you that he wanted to cancel the wedding? Would you be devastated?

If you wouldn’t be devastated, that’s your answer, you don’t want to marry him.

I’d be devastated if he wanted to end the relationship but if he said he didn’t want to get married I feel as though that would solve the issue

OK, so if neither of you would be hurt or particularly bothered if the wedding is canceled, don’t do it. I imagine that you’ll lose some deposits, but that’s worth it if it’s not what you want.

If you're so unsure you really shouldn't get married.

Getting married is better for your children.
It is exciting to be starting a family and to be making a long term committment.

Why not have a discussion of where you expect your inheritance to end up?
State clearly that it is an inheritance and that you will be ring fencing that for your children.
Also record the amount of money you had saved before you became a couple living together. Include that and the inheritance amount as an addition to your Will. Let your betrothed know that you have that listed there.
Encourage him to list his savings etc before setting up house with you as an extra page to his Will.

It is always prudent to write new Wills upon marriage so discussion like this is very normal.

Tricky, I don't think you should marry him. BUT there may not be greener grass ahead and then you may miss out on a family.

If anyone is reading this and looking for advice because they had similar thoughts. I went to a few therapy sessions and got married. I cried with happiness on the day and I’m so glad I did it.

What a lovely update OP I'm glad it helped and you had a amazing day 😀

Sorry I didn’t get back to reply. Yes I did marry him and we are still happily married. We had a small wedding..I find big flashy weddings daunting. Congratulations on your marriage.

I never had a second of a doubt when I married my husband nearly thirty years ago. I honestly feel if you feel like this you shouldn’t go through with it. If you’re already thinking about what will happen if you divorce then it’s doomed.

As my parents (and several step-parents) would tell you, a marriage doesn’t have to be for life…!
But seriously, marriage for me wasn’t something that felt particularly important - I mean my parents’ history - but I knew that to my partner it meant the world. And now, I’m really pleased we did. But it didn’t really change anything whatsoever. We were in a very happy relationship before and we still are now. But would our relationship have gotten from 5 years (pre-wedding) to 15 (now) if we’d not gotten married? I hope so, but I’m not sure. I knew that my problems with marriage as a thing had nothing to do with my commitment to my partner and more than that, that it the desire to be married meant a great deal more to my partner than my indifference to the institution. Ultimately, I did it because I loved my partner and knew how much it meant to them. I’m sure that my partner would have understood if I’d said I never wanted to marry, but still, they’d have been slightly devastated.
I suppose the question is, if it’s not to do with how much you love them and want to be with them, then how important is not getting married to you? How important is it to your partner? And, a month away from the ceremony how much devastation will calling it off cause? Will you partner be able to look past the upset, distress, disappointment and chaos (telling family/ losing face and losing money)? Will they be able to understand or will this break you both?

Of course, though you seem to suggest not, you have to work out first if this is ultimately about your relationship and whether you want to be with this person. And, of course, might just be jitters!

It is always prudent to write new Wills upon marriage

It is essential to write new wills upon marriage, as marriage invalidates any existing will, unless it was made 'in contemplation of marriage'.

Its hard to know whether it's your gut telling you something isn't right and you should listen to it, or self sabotage and last minute nerves about the event itself.
Talking it through with a counsellor might help