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Original poster

Canceling wedding with a month to go

70 replies

Weddingname457 · 01/04/2025 20:49

There’s no reason I should cancel my wedding but my gut feeling is to run. We’ve been together for years and I love him but something is stopping me from taking that next step. He’s a very nice, stable person, he works hard, and is a diamond really. I wouldn’t find anyone better.

Anybody had this feeling but gone through with it anyway, or know why I might be having these ‘run away’ feelings?

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingname457 · 02/04/2025 06:31

FortyElephants · 02/04/2025 06:22

That's quite a statement to make. She's not even sure why she doesn't want to marry him. Some people commit and have children and never want to be married. I'm just pointing out that if she plans to stay with him and have children then the marriage part isn't a romantic fantasy it's a contract.

Show quote history

I completely agree. I’m very pragmatic which is probably why I’m struggling more with my feelings. On paper, this is a lovely situation- so why is my head fighting it. I do want children with him and in theory I should want marriage. I know children is more of a commitment than marriage- so again it makes no sense!

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 02/04/2025 06:32

Weddingname457 · 02/04/2025 06:26

I think this weighing on me! We want children- which I know will then potentially reduce my earnings but I have much more pre marital money and inheritance. And from what I’ve seen that should be protected but not necessarily. I think without having children our earning potential would be very similar.

Show quote history

Having children doesn't have to reduce your earning potential. I have DC I also out earn DH in a similar field. We both work 5 in 4 to accommodate childcare. It's only if you are the one to always flex your work, go part time, take time off when the children are unwell. I would never have had children in those circumstances, we both share the load.

Solasum · 02/04/2025 06:40

How would you feel about seeing him with someone else? Upset, or relieved?

Does he make you feel good about yourself, and vice versa?

Would he look after you if you were ill or injured? Do you think he will be a good father?

Are you being nostalgic about that falling in love feeling that you had at the start, which has now turned into something less exciting but more solid after many years?

Do you have a similar life view and ambitions? Do you enjoy spending time together?

Tbrh · 02/04/2025 06:47

FortyElephants · 02/04/2025 06:22

That's quite a statement to make. She's not even sure why she doesn't want to marry him. Some people commit and have children and never want to be married. I'm just pointing out that if she plans to stay with him and have children then the marriage part isn't a romantic fantasy it's a contract.

Show quote history

It's not really. If you don't want to get married, then there's no issue with having children if you're both committed to each other. If you do want to be married then it should be with someone you'd want to have children with. If you don't think you'd want to commit and marry someone then why the hell would you have kids with that person.

WhatMe123 · 02/04/2025 06:50

How would you feel if he cancelled it? Gutted or relieved?
Also maybe a discussion with a solicitor around you having more assets would help, have you ever discussed this with your partner?

Tbrh · 02/04/2025 06:51

I get the feeling you're not really into this guy. He's a good person and you think it's time to settle down and have kid and he'll do. Nothing wrong with that, many people do it but maybe you're starting to panic and wonder if there could be something better in store for you.

HelenWheels · 02/04/2025 06:53

where did you money come from?
you are concerned about sharing it/losing it to him?

reversegear · 02/04/2025 07:26

Can you get a pre nuptial in place. That seems to be a worrying factor, is it significant wealth? Do you worry somewhere that he’s marrying you for his own security?

StartAnew · 02/04/2025 07:36

What are these minor flaws OP?

Original poster
Weddingname457 · 02/04/2025 07:40

@HelenWheels its from my own savings, I really had a boring 20s where I just worked and worked…he didn’t do the same. @reversegear ive looked into this but the solicitor said it’s not legally biding but can offer favourable protection (I think was the wording). I wouldn’t say significant wealth at all but enough that if everything went wrong I’d be able to at least set myself up- I nice safety net. I don’t think he’s marrying me for my money but some part of me sometimes feels a little bitter that he’s not bringing the same to the table but I know that’s not fair.

OP posts:
StumbleInTheDebris · 02/04/2025 07:46

He does drive me mad half the time but I think that’s normal in all relationships?

Depends what you mean but no, your partner shouldn't regularly frustrate you or make you feel forgotten or wind you up.

Do you lift each other up? Aside from marriage, if you have kids to need to 100% have each other's backs, be in tune.

I've seen so many relationships cause hurt over differing attitudes once kids come along.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 02/04/2025 07:54

Weddingname457 · 02/04/2025 07:40

@HelenWheels its from my own savings, I really had a boring 20s where I just worked and worked…he didn’t do the same. @reversegear ive looked into this but the solicitor said it’s not legally biding but can offer favourable protection (I think was the wording). I wouldn’t say significant wealth at all but enough that if everything went wrong I’d be able to at least set myself up- I nice safety net. I don’t think he’s marrying me for my money but some part of me sometimes feels a little bitter that he’s not bringing the same to the table but I know that’s not fair.

Edited

OP @Weddingname457 I don’t think you love him.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 02/04/2025 08:04

DH was best man to his friend who on the morning of the wedding was saying “I don’t want to do this” but went through with it becatse he felt it was late. Split within 2 years

on my wedding day I felt incredibly serene (not a normal state fir me) and smug because to me I’d got everything I wanted. I loved him to death then and still do now :)

if you’re really not sure postpone and work out in your head what your real feelings are.

helpfulperson · 02/04/2025 09:19

Are you envisaging still staying in a relationship with him? How will you feel if he doesnt want to? Im not sure i could stay in a relationship with someone who pulled out of a wedding.

Thinking about this may help you decide whether this is just nerves or something mor.

Original poster
Weddingname457 · 02/04/2025 11:29

helpfulperson · 02/04/2025 09:19

Are you envisaging still staying in a relationship with him? How will you feel if he doesnt want to? Im not sure i could stay in a relationship with someone who pulled out of a wedding.

Thinking about this may help you decide whether this is just nerves or something mor.

I do want to be with him! I don’t think I’d ever walk away from him. I’m now thinking is it just fear of divorcing and losing my safety net. And not from my side- I do trust him but I don’t think you can ever trust people to not change or make a different choice down the road? And if he decided to leave, it would be me at a loss.

OP posts:
groovylady · 02/04/2025 12:55

There is no doubt that it you are the higher earner/have lots of assets then marriage may be a bad move.
You can make your will and LPOA to ensure your assets are disbursed as you wish and you can make anyone your POA.
I think you are, perhaps, being very wise.

FinallyMovingHouse · 02/04/2025 13:03

OP, I had this and remember being almost shocked on the morning after the wedding. The feeling very quickly changed though to a realisation that I'd just married my best friend and there was nothing to worry about. That was 30 years ago. x

Doolallies · 02/04/2025 13:06

Are you prepared to lose him?

if my husband had cancelled before ours I would have walked from the whole relationship

reesewithoutaspoon · 02/04/2025 13:06

Would you be marrying him because he's the only person you want to spend your life with, or to sort out legal provisions if one of you dies etc.
Because you can get legal stuff drawn up to protect each other in that case without getting married.

Original poster
Weddingname457 · 02/04/2025 13:50

I think @groovylady this may be the underlying issue for me! I suppose marriage is always more beneficial for the lower earner? @Doolallies I don’t want to lose him and in all honesty I don’t think he’s an ultimatum type of person- if I spoke with him and voiced my concerns I can’t imagine him saying it’s now or never. @reesewithoutaspoon both I suppose, I want a life with him and the security/protections of marriage but then am I being protected if I could lose out more financially?

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 02/04/2025 15:23

The thing is @Weddingname457 life moves on and things change. I earned double what my DH did when we met & I had a house and he didn’t. Ff 25 years & he earns double what I do, we’ve paid off the mortgage & I can afford to work pt. We’re a team - once he had less than me but it never for one minute stopped me wanting to marry him

Doolallies · 02/04/2025 16:26

Weddingname457 · 02/04/2025 13:50

I think @groovylady this may be the underlying issue for me! I suppose marriage is always more beneficial for the lower earner? @Doolallies I don’t want to lose him and in all honesty I don’t think he’s an ultimatum type of person- if I spoke with him and voiced my concerns I can’t imagine him saying it’s now or never. @reesewithoutaspoon both I suppose, I want a life with him and the security/protections of marriage but then am I being protected if I could lose out more financially?

That’s mad, you would cancel a wedding and he would still forgive you. What a nice guy!!

Original poster
Weddingname457 · 02/04/2025 16:50

Theeyeballsinthesky · 02/04/2025 15:23

The thing is @Weddingname457 life moves on and things change. I earned double what my DH did when we met & I had a house and he didn’t. Ff 25 years & he earns double what I do, we’ve paid off the mortgage & I can afford to work pt. We’re a team - once he had less than me but it never for one minute stopped me wanting to marry him

It’s not that he has less than me- it’s that I don’t want to put myself in a position where I’d be left with not a lot to support myself!

OP posts:
Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 02/04/2025 19:23

I posted a very similar thread to this several years ago. I had a gut feeling that it wasn’t right. I did cancel the wedding three weeks beforehand and I know I did the right thing. Someone who answered my post as they were feeling the same way did marry her fiancé - we spoke at the time and are still friends on Facebook and she seems very happy. Not that helpful but mine was a gut feeling and hers were just last minute doubts that thankfully didn’t last.

Readingismyfirstlove · 02/04/2025 19:38

HelenWheels · 02/04/2025 06:03

can you imagine life without him?

This.

How woukd you feel if he cancelled the wedding now and said he didn't want to marry you.