Hen Do - Should I be embarassed?

[VineandIvy]

I had my hen do last weekend. I wanted something that wasn’t a heavy boozy session and I didn’t want it to cost a fortune as I didn’t want to put people out a fortune.

I managed to get a lovely country cottage with a hot tub for £95pp, had a nice afternoon tea with lots of homemade cocktails on arrival. My bridesmaids organised some wedding games, and I had an afternoon with some homemade themed cocktails and some craft activities planned.

I did thank you hampers for all the girls with a nice candle, face mask, chocolate and lip balm and slippers.

We went to a local restaurant for dinner, I had used the excess funds from the Airbnb payment to arrange a voucher for the restaurant so dinner only cost £20 per head.

We then came back and spent the evening in hot tub with a few more drinks before doing some final games, cup of tea and supper/cake for those who wanted it before heading to bed around 1 am.

To me, it was an ideal hen, as I’m not a massive partier, and prefer a few drinks and activities with good chat and a few laughs. However
feel like some of the women in attendance were bored stupid. They would be heavy drinkers and I guess a bar crawl and shots is much more their style, and it felt awkward in places as they sat in silence with their drinks refusing to join in the activities etc.

Over the course of the day lots of drinks were served plus they had all brought their own. They were welcome to get stuck in if that’s what they wanted to do.

I tried to work with my bridesmaids to make it a nice experience that was inclusive of all of my friends, some of whom would be non drinkers but enjoy a good meal, conversation and games etc.

But I can’t shake the feeling of being embarrassed that three of the girls didn’t enjoy the time at all. I am embarrassed that they’ll be describing the hen do as a bore etc to others and it’s left me feeling a bit sad and isolated from friends I felt close to previously.

I dont know how to bridge the gap. Do I text them and apologise if they found it a bit dull etc?

I think it sounds lovely and don't think you've anything to feel embarrassed about. However, it sounds like they should be embarrassed about their sulky behaviour!!

Do not apologise to the wet blankets! Your wedding, your hen do, your choice. It sounds lovely. Well-considered and relaxed fun.

Agree with the previous poster.
If anything they should be ashamed of their rudeness.

It might not have been exactly what they wanted out of a hen but guess what, it wasn't their hen! It's a lot easier for louder /hard partying people to enjoy a quiet hen than vice versa - presumably they don't drink every hour of every day and sit at home/chat with friends/go to restaurants normally so it's not as if they were out of their comfort zone.

Who are you so worried they'll tell? Your closest friends were at the hen with you and presumably had fun, even if they do tell their families or colleagues or whatever they went to a boring hen do, who cares, you don't know those people and they don't know you. And many of them would probably be thinking "actually that sounds ideal!"

It’s really sad that society has normalized the party culture to this extent. This isn’t the first time I’ve read a post like this where a bride feels like having a hen that suits her personality, budget, or personal circumstances makes her a bad person.

Sounds like the perfect hen do to me. They chose not to enjoy it and that's not on you! You made it perfect for you and that's all that matters it was your weekend. It's my hen do today and just having crazy golf and a meal, I definitely won't be drinking not sure why people think it should revolve around alcohol 🤷🏻‍♀️

It sounds perfect to me. I’d have loved everything

Sounds like a lovely weekend. And very thoughtful to be aware of non-drinkers.

If three attendees didn’t enjoy themselves, that’s on them. So please don’t feel embarrassed

It's your hen do, it's allowed to be what you want it to be!

It sounds like great fun to me, far better than a basic bar crawl and shots. BUT I've been dragged on my fair share of bar crawly hens and I've always slapped on a smile and enjoyed myself even if it's not to my taste because -gasp- I actually like my friends and want them to be happy at their party! So sod them if they lack the social skills to suck it up and enjoy something different once in a while. You've not a single thing to feel guilty about, they should feel bad for being such sour pusses!

Congratulations and best wishes for a long and happy marriage! 💐

Your hen do sounds perfect, absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed, I would have loved that! x

You've hit the nail on the head there 'you made it perfect for you'. While it's nice to make plans with friends, you aren't going to always please everyone and that's okay. Your hen sounds lovely and very relaxing, much more preferable than a boozy loud party the night away type event.

So basically what they wanted is the same thing people do most weekends go to pubs or bars and drink till they throw up then stagger to try and get home how is that any different to normal Saturday nights? Not very original

I personally think what you did was fine but I can't stand hot tubs and don't play games (well some) but would happily have watched others play

The thing with join in things is not everyone wants to join in and there is nothing worse than feeling you have too but if no one spoilt it for anyone eales why is them not joining in a problem?

And no there is not need to apologise that would be weird

Your Hen sounds like my kinda party.
Food and games

Don't apologise to the grumps !

That sounds such a lovely day and I think you must be a lovely, thoughtful friend to organise all that. I wish that I knew you. You should be proud, not embarrassed. If some of your friends felt it wasn’t ’their thing’ then that isn’t your fault and they sound a little bit rude TBH. Hold your head up high and be who you want to be, not what others expect. And all the very best for your wedding and beyond x

You're not responsible for the happiness of others on YOUR hen do. They know you, and what you enjoy, they had a choice and chose to attend, their enjoyment is not your responsibility and you absolutely should never apologise to anyone for being you and putting yourself first on a day that's about celebrating you

I wouldn't apologise. If you try to please everybody, you'll please nobody.

That's life, not everyone likes everything all of the time. You're mad to be thinking of apologising for your own taste.

they sat in silence with their drinks refusing to join in the activities etc.

Honestly this is just plain rude of them.

Nothing you planned was weird or niche....

Afternoon tea
Cocktails
Hottub spa
Chatting
Socialising and a few hen party games

Most hep parties ive been to include some /all of these things. Separately I've done most of these.thing outside hen partiesas they are just enjoyable activities... id wager so have millions of other people.
This is literally up there with "i like going on nice holidays and eating good food"... 99.5% plus of people like this stuff...

It's not like you insisted everyone went to a dr who convention followed by having their auras read, then a sound bath and acupuncture session all topped off with a nice cup of kombucha.

If anyone should apologise it's them for their problematic relationship woth alcohol and for being selfish shitty friends

They sound like super shit friends - are you sure you want them at your wedding?!

Apologise? For what?
That you didn’t provide the black-out drunk woohoo 🙌🏼 time that those three didn’t get to participate in?
That you didn’t provide gallons upon gallons of rot-gut whiskey used specifically for those “special” commode-hugging evenings?
You had a perfect Hen that you and your other friends loved, @VineandIvy— don’t let these flat tyres spoil your special evening memories.
And whatever you do — DON’T APOLOGISE.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
May you have a long and happy marriage. ❤️

No you bloody do not text them and apologise!

Those three girls should be ashamed of themselves, unfriendly and ungrateful and rude. OR they might have been enjoying themselves but just didn't fancy a couple of the activities.
Either way, put it out of your mind. Don't stress, it's a waste of time. Concentrate on something else that makes you happy.

Sounds like you're finding out who your friends really are.

Sounds like a lovely day. Not sure what they would want other than that, if they wanted more drinks they could buy them. Although it does sound like a lot was served anyway!

Exactly, sulking because it wasn't a debauched piss up.
Wouldn't give it a second thought.

Your hen do sounds absolutely brilliant. If some of your friends really feel they have to get smashed out of their skulls before they feel they are enjoying themselves, they need to do some serious growing up.

They should definitely be embarrassed about their appalling manners and rude behaviour!

Cocktails and hot-tub aren't my kinda thing (tee-total diabetic, disabled)... but hanging out with friends, chatting and mucking about is fun, I love cake, so that would all have been great.

Bottom line is, its your hen do, not theirs. You've got a mix of things going on, you've considered the cost, short of just doing exactly what they want, I don't see what else you could have done!

Are they actual friends or just people you know or felt you had to invite?