Hen Do - Should I be embarassed?

[VineandIvy]

I had my hen do last weekend. I wanted something that wasn’t a heavy boozy session and I didn’t want it to cost a fortune as I didn’t want to put people out a fortune.

I managed to get a lovely country cottage with a hot tub for £95pp, had a nice afternoon tea with lots of homemade cocktails on arrival. My bridesmaids organised some wedding games, and I had an afternoon with some homemade themed cocktails and some craft activities planned.

I did thank you hampers for all the girls with a nice candle, face mask, chocolate and lip balm and slippers.

We went to a local restaurant for dinner, I had used the excess funds from the Airbnb payment to arrange a voucher for the restaurant so dinner only cost £20 per head.

We then came back and spent the evening in hot tub with a few more drinks before doing some final games, cup of tea and supper/cake for those who wanted it before heading to bed around 1 am.

To me, it was an ideal hen, as I’m not a massive partier, and prefer a few drinks and activities with good chat and a few laughs. However
feel like some of the women in attendance were bored stupid. They would be heavy drinkers and I guess a bar crawl and shots is much more their style, and it felt awkward in places as they sat in silence with their drinks refusing to join in the activities etc.

Over the course of the day lots of drinks were served plus they had all brought their own. They were welcome to get stuck in if that’s what they wanted to do.

I tried to work with my bridesmaids to make it a nice experience that was inclusive of all of my friends, some of whom would be non drinkers but enjoy a good meal, conversation and games etc.

But I can’t shake the feeling of being embarrassed that three of the girls didn’t enjoy the time at all. I am embarrassed that they’ll be describing the hen do as a bore etc to others and it’s left me feeling a bit sad and isolated from friends I felt close to previously.

I dont know how to bridge the gap. Do I text them and apologise if they found it a bit dull etc?

Some people seem to have a bizarre notion that unless excess alcohol is involved then a good time cannot be had. Which, when you think about it, is really quite sad.

Your hen do sounds wonderful. Presumably everybody knew the plans beforehand and had the opportunity to say no to coming.

Sounds perfect to me, and like you were very considerate in planning to suit all tastes/budgets as much as possible. The fact they chose to be miseries for the weekend says far more about them than it does you, so you certainly shouldn't be embarrassed. I would be re-evaluating the friendship in your position, though. It may not have been their ideal, but how utterly self-absorved not to at least try to join in and have fun but instead be so public about their boredom - are they 5 years old?

For me that sounds like the perfect hen do (well, minus the hot tub as I'm not a fan but I would've done it for a close friend and not let on I wasn't keen on it!)
How old are you all?

If they're real,kind friends then they would appreciate your hen do was what you wanted and be happy for you!

Only boring people are bored! OP I’m sorry you have 3 such miseries as friends.

Your hen do sounds absolutely perfect to me, I wish I was your friend and had been there! But even if it wasn’t my thing I’d have joined in with gusto so as not to be a party pooper and spoil it for others.

Absolutely no way should you text them and apologise!

If they can't have a good time without getting laddered, then they are the boring ones.

Do you actually know that they were bored or are you just projecting what you think they might feel onto them? Maybe they don't like games and were happy sitting watching? I think you may be projecting your own insecurities onto them. It is your hen weekend, your wedding and you do what you want to do. You can't try to make your wedding about pleasing everyone else - for one thing, that is an impossible task.

Nothing to be embarrassed about! Sounds like a lovely day. Also it’s YOUR hen do, if they’re good friends they’ll recognise it’s what you wanted…if they’re not, then frankly you don’t need their opinion. Sounds like you put a lot of thought into making sure it was financially accessible for everyone as well (something a lot of hens don’t do).

Personally I really hate the stereotypical hen dos, they’re just not my thing but I get that some people like that and there’s nothing wrong with it (I didn’t bother with it when I got married). Your one sounds way nicer… and a lot less embarrassing than wearing pink cowboy hats, drinking through penis straws and carrying an inflatable man sex doll around all evening 😂

Also congrats on getting married OP, I hope you have a really lovely wedding day 💗

Sounds like a lovely hen do to me, reminds me of an ex friend of mine who insisted I come to her weekend (£££) hen do when I was very poor at the time then got the arse when a few of us didn't want to stay out getting wasted, it really ruined the atmosphere and we had had a nice time up till then.

Just to add to everyone else…. Do not text or apologise. It’s concerning that they can only enjoy themselves if they are drinking heavily. That’s their issue, not yours. If they moan about it to others then let them. Again, that’s their issue, not yours.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding x

I think this sounds fab. Plus I’m assuming that they knew what they were signing up for, they should just have politely declined if they didn’t fancy it.

Are you sure they didn’t enjoy it? Could it be that they were just knackered, or had a difficult week? If you’re sure, I think if they were good friends I’d chat to them “I just got the sense you were a bit down at my hen, is everything ok?”. If they are more like recent workmates or have history I would just cull them from the wedding and move on (just tell them on reflection you’ve decided on a small, quiet family occasion and you don’t think they’d enjoy it- you don’t want them sitting through the wedding with faces like slapped arses).

I don’t know why though something about hen nights does seem to make some women behave like absolute twats- I avoid them now (although I would have come to yours as it sounds very civilised).

Sounds like just my kind of hen do.

If anyone owes an apology it is the 3 guests who have made you feel uncomfortable at your own hen do.

Almost a carbon copy of mine, except we did an outdoor activity. I had three requirements for my friends organising it. 1) no flights. 2) must be within an hour of where half of us lived and 3) I didn’t want to go out, preferring to stay in and enjoy everyone’s company.

As far as I know, everyone had a great time.

Sounds lovely.
if they can’t get on board with joining in the activities at your hen do, then I’d phase them out as friends.

Exactly, how incredibly rude of them to sit there sulking! It was your do, not theirs, they should have stuck on a smile and got on with it. Rude!

It's the three that should be apologising to you! It's your hen do and you should be able to do what you enjoy without fully grown adults throwing their toys out of the pram.

Your plans sound lovely and good on you for doing what you want!

Please don't invite them to your wedding. They sound awful.

I'd move on and not dwell on it. It sounds absolutely lovely to me and if some weren't able to put a nice face on it for you, they should be embarrassed, not you!

I wouldn’t worry too much about the three. Maybe they didn’t know the others very well so maybe being aloof looked like boredom. It sounds like a great hen do!

Sounds like a lovely hen party that everyone else enjoyed.

I'd be hoping the sulking guests weren't coming to my wedding not considering apologising.

They can binge drink themselves blind any weekend.

That sounds like bliss.
I did a smaller version of this for my hen, sometimes I wish I'd done something huge (seeing a lot of extreme hens on social media at the moment) but then I think, oh well. It was chilled, cheap and with close friends.

You sound a kind and thoughtful friend, you planned a great inclusive day for everyone. I don't think I'd want those three as friends if their only enjoyment is getting pissed, you can do so much better.

Why? because they were quiet and did not get in a hottub? What did they actually do wrong?

And no I have nothing against the op's ideas but I would not have done some of them and may have been quiet, same as I would have gone to a pub or bar and not had 30 cocktails, again what is the issue?

Your hen sounds perfect to me. Far, far better than just getting shitfaced.

Each to their own, but please don't feel guilty for having the hen do that makes you happy, not one that you wouldn't enjoy for the sake of a couple of other inflexible people.

This sounds like a lovely experience, don’t let it cloud your happy memory, have a lovely time planning and enjoying YOUR wedding day, you can never please everyone, I’d have loved this x

I wouldn't want them at my wedding they sound awful.
Hen do sounds fab.