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Original poster

Hen Do - Should I be embarassed?

130 replies

VineandIvy · 08/09/2024 01:45

I had my hen do last weekend. I wanted something that wasn’t a heavy boozy session and I didn’t want it to cost a fortune as I didn’t want to put people out a fortune.

I managed to get a lovely country cottage with a hot tub for £95pp, had a nice afternoon tea with lots of homemade cocktails on arrival. My bridesmaids organised some wedding games, and I had an afternoon with some homemade themed cocktails and some craft activities planned.

I did thank you hampers for all the girls with a nice candle, face mask, chocolate and lip balm and slippers.

We went to a local restaurant for dinner, I had used the excess funds from the Airbnb payment to arrange a voucher for the restaurant so dinner only cost £20 per head.

We then came back and spent the evening in hot tub with a few more drinks before doing some final games, cup of tea and supper/cake for those who wanted it before heading to bed around 1 am.

To me, it was an ideal hen, as I’m not a massive partier, and prefer a few drinks and activities with good chat and a few laughs. However
feel like some of the women in attendance were bored stupid. They would be heavy drinkers and I guess a bar crawl and shots is much more their style, and it felt awkward in places as they sat in silence with their drinks refusing to join in the activities etc.

Over the course of the day lots of drinks were served plus they had all brought their own. They were welcome to get stuck in if that’s what they wanted to do.

I tried to work with my bridesmaids to make it a nice experience that was inclusive of all of my friends, some of whom would be non drinkers but enjoy a good meal, conversation and games etc.

But I can’t shake the feeling of being embarrassed that three of the girls didn’t enjoy the time at all. I am embarrassed that they’ll be describing the hen do as a bore etc to others and it’s left me feeling a bit sad and isolated from friends I felt close to previously.

I dont know how to bridge the gap. Do I text them and apologise if they found it a bit dull etc?

OP posts:
Begsthequestion · 08/09/2024 04:43

It was your celebration and as friends they should've had the grace to make an effort to add to the joy of it.

But if the three unwise alkies can't have a good time with all those activities on offer, that is not your fault.

Babychewtoy · 08/09/2024 04:53

It sounds like a lovely weekend. I’m sure you already know you’re a people pleaser… but why would you text people to apologise because they were rude on your hen do that you had spent a lot of time and consideration on arranging for everyone. They should be apologising to you for bringing the mood down.

The80sThe80s · 08/09/2024 04:55

Sounds great to me and I would have loved to have been a guest at your hen do.
Enjoy your big day.

AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 08/09/2024 05:12

That sounds like my perfect time and I would love a friend who is so thoughtful in planning like you.

The fact that they were awkward and silent says a lot more about them than you.

Hold your head high.

ohfook · 08/09/2024 05:17

Don't be embarrassed. Your hen do is meant to cater to your likes and wishes not those of other people.

For what it's worth I hate planned activities and games. I went on a hen do very similar to yours and I didn't join in with too many of them but I had a lovely time sitting on the sidelines chatting to people who I hadn't seen in a while. I certainly wasn't judging, I was just enjoying being around people I liked and being free of responsibility for a couple of days.

Threewheeler1 · 08/09/2024 05:38

PourUsAGlass · 08/09/2024 02:37

Your hen do sounds perfect, absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed, I would have loved that! x

Me too!
OP, no need to feel embarrassed, not in this lifetime, you lovely, thoughtful person. Your hen weekend sounds amazingly pleasant to me, would happily have attended one like that!

veggie50 · 08/09/2024 05:39

If the 'friends' actually bitch about what a boring time they had at a close friend's hen, I'd think 'people' would more likely judge them for being rude and inconsiderate. At least the sort of 'people' you would like to consort with (i.e. decent people) would think that, if you care to know what 'people' think at all.

Sadmamatoday · 08/09/2024 05:45

You're overthinking, it sounds lovely and they didn't say anything. It is over now anyway so don't worry about it, and if it was a bit dull for them it was only one night so I'm sure they're over it already! Enjoy your wedding 😀

Brooklyn70 · 08/09/2024 05:54

I kept reading waiting for the twist and see what you were embarrassed about but it sounds like it was a lovely party.

seems like you had a mix of different personalities and it you had planned a hen to please these 3 girls, you could be writing a post about how the ‘quieter’ ones didn’t enjoy a weekend getting pissed.

at The end of the day it was your hen and it should be planned to keep you happy.

Goodenoughmummyme · 08/09/2024 06:05

I would have absolutely loved that and most people I know would have too. You were very thoughtful x

Sugargliderwombat · 08/09/2024 06:11

This sounds fun and any drinkers could have just had some drinks? It doesn't sound boring but maybe becUse you saw them in a new setting they were just quieter / calmer.

Justsomethoughts · 08/09/2024 06:15

Dont feel embarrassed- they should feel embarrassed!

If you feel like you want to do something, message them and say you hope they had a good time, you noticed they were quiet and wanted to make sure everything was ok, you appreciate that they made the effort to come etc.

Yoi sound very thoughtful - made an effort to keep costs low (which imo is super nice as these mount up so much) - but don’t overthink this - this is YOUR time now. Enjoy the wedding and the lead up to it.

WonderingWanda · 08/09/2024 06:15

I think you are feeling the wrong emotion, I would be pissed off at their rudeness and be uninviting them to the wedding. They sound just like playground mean girls.

JaneAustensHeroine · 08/09/2024 06:25

Sounds perfect. Do not apologise to people who did not enjoy it. They are not your responsibility. People have got used to excess and lost touch with ‘normal’!

GoldenLyonel · 08/09/2024 06:28

As RuPaul says, other people’s opinions are none of my business.

It was your hen do, and you were a considerate host. You can’t please everyone, you’ll tie yourself in knots trying and still have complainers.

autienotnaughty · 08/09/2024 06:30

It sounds great and the key thing here is it was YOUR hen and was rightly catered to your interests.

Good friends would have joined in and supported you in having fun. Not made you feel like your hen was inferior. I would question how good these friends are.

Also I feel sorry for people still clinging on to that teenager culture of drinking is cool and we need to be wasted to have fun. Alcohol is great but it's not the be all and end all. The real cool kids know there's other ways to have fun.

nappyvalley1992 · 08/09/2024 06:31

Your hen sounds lovely, find and classy. Your bored friends sound like the trashy, obnoxious type, who can only find fun when loud and drunk.

Edingril · 08/09/2024 06:34

Justsomethoughts · 08/09/2024 06:15

Dont feel embarrassed- they should feel embarrassed!

If you feel like you want to do something, message them and say you hope they had a good time, you noticed they were quiet and wanted to make sure everything was ok, you appreciate that they made the effort to come etc.

Yoi sound very thoughtful - made an effort to keep costs low (which imo is super nice as these mount up so much) - but don’t overthink this - this is YOUR time now. Enjoy the wedding and the lead up to it.

But embarrassed about what? If they said or did something rude sure but what did they actually do wrong?

And if they didn't do anything wrong what good is pointing out after an event 'just checking you are ok' why?

Justsomethoughts · 08/09/2024 06:36

Edingril · 08/09/2024 06:34

But embarrassed about what? If they said or did something rude sure but what did they actually do wrong?

And if they didn't do anything wrong what good is pointing out after an event 'just checking you are ok' why?

Show quote history

The OP says there were some people sitting in silence and refusing to join in. In my friendship group I would just have asked there and then if everything was ok. If the OP didn’t feel able to do this at the time then I think it’s reasonable to check it at a later date.

Edingril · 08/09/2024 06:40

Justsomethoughts · 08/09/2024 06:36

The OP says there were some people sitting in silence and refusing to join in. In my friendship group I would just have asked there and then if everything was ok. If the OP didn’t feel able to do this at the time then I think it’s reasonable to check it at a later date.

Show quote history

Yes by why is that the wrong thing? Does everyone have to join in something they don't want to do? I would prefer to people join in if they wanted too or not but it is up to them

Bestyearever2024 · 08/09/2024 06:40

You're over thinking this

You've sensed that they didn't have a good time. Is it your job to make sure they enjoy themselves? No it is not

Is it your job to ensure that every part of your hen do suits everyone? No it is not

What's the worst that can happen if they have a moan to others and say 'the hen do was boring'.....actually there is no "worst"...they have an opinion, they're entitled to it, they're probably not your tribe.

The End.

Musiclover234 · 08/09/2024 06:42

It sounds lovely to me. I can’t drink much as i get older, but even when i was younger it sounds like there was drinks and fun etc. also not ridiculous money which some seem to spend now:

It sounds like their problem not yours. Did everyone else enjoy? Also surely they knew the plan, didn’t have to go? Remember it’s for you as your hen do!

LeontineFrance · 08/09/2024 06:43

Glad I am not young anymore. What a load of shallow superficial twaddle. Get on with your real friends, get married, celebrate. Forget the rest.

Justsomethoughts · 08/09/2024 06:44

Edingril · 08/09/2024 06:40

Yes by why is that the wrong thing? Does everyone have to join in something they don't want to do? I would prefer to people join in if they wanted too or not but it is up to them

Show quote history

Maybe not ‘wrong’ but is it nice to sit in silence at someone’s hen do?
Im sure we have all been to these types of events and participated in games etc that weren’t our cup of tea but when the event isn’t about you, isn’t it kinder to show willing and take part? Just my take, I appreciate not everyone is the same.

daisychain01 · 08/09/2024 06:44

You don't need to please all of the people all of the time.

you also don't need to apologise for anything. Why do that?

you had a nice time and even the people you think didn't enjoy themselves, made their own fun by bringing something to drink.

don't spoil the happy memories you've made by trying to find negatives when there aren't any, it sounds like it was a very successful hen.

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