Hen Do - Should I be embarassed?

[VineandIvy]

I had my hen do last weekend. I wanted something that wasn’t a heavy boozy session and I didn’t want it to cost a fortune as I didn’t want to put people out a fortune.

I managed to get a lovely country cottage with a hot tub for £95pp, had a nice afternoon tea with lots of homemade cocktails on arrival. My bridesmaids organised some wedding games, and I had an afternoon with some homemade themed cocktails and some craft activities planned.

I did thank you hampers for all the girls with a nice candle, face mask, chocolate and lip balm and slippers.

We went to a local restaurant for dinner, I had used the excess funds from the Airbnb payment to arrange a voucher for the restaurant so dinner only cost £20 per head.

We then came back and spent the evening in hot tub with a few more drinks before doing some final games, cup of tea and supper/cake for those who wanted it before heading to bed around 1 am.

To me, it was an ideal hen, as I’m not a massive partier, and prefer a few drinks and activities with good chat and a few laughs. However
feel like some of the women in attendance were bored stupid. They would be heavy drinkers and I guess a bar crawl and shots is much more their style, and it felt awkward in places as they sat in silence with their drinks refusing to join in the activities etc.

Over the course of the day lots of drinks were served plus they had all brought their own. They were welcome to get stuck in if that’s what they wanted to do.

I tried to work with my bridesmaids to make it a nice experience that was inclusive of all of my friends, some of whom would be non drinkers but enjoy a good meal, conversation and games etc.

But I can’t shake the feeling of being embarrassed that three of the girls didn’t enjoy the time at all. I am embarrassed that they’ll be describing the hen do as a bore etc to others and it’s left me feeling a bit sad and isolated from friends I felt close to previously.

I dont know how to bridge the gap. Do I text them and apologise if they found it a bit dull etc?

@VineandIvy it sounds very much like my hen do.

Assuming people knew in advance that it wasn't going to be a boozey weekend then do not feel embarrassed.

It was your hen do, it was what you wanted. As long as you loved it stuff 3 people who say they were bored, they knew the plan, the didn't have to go and the fact they couldn't enjoy it without getting steaming drunk says more about them than you.

My hen do was similarly, we hired a cottage near the beach, went out for dinner 1 night, had rake out the other. We walked on the beach, wandered round the village shops, played games, there was alcohol of people wanted it. I don't drink so was mostly drinking tea and we had 2 x kids with us.

Well it sounds like there was plenty of alcohol and I’m sure no-one was forcing them to bed at 1am if they wanted to stay up later. They are pretty rude for sitting there looking bored and not joining in. They are obviously the type who think they can’t enjoy themselves unless blind drunk in a pub

You need to stop this way of thinking OP. Are you a people pleaser?

Your hen do sounds great.
They knew what they would be doing. You cannot control how people act nor can you make them 'be happy.'

In a group situation, particularly where pockets of friends are all joining together, it's virtually impossible to do activities that everyone loves. People attending should know that they need to get involved and help the bride have a great time - that's it. It says more about them than you.

Also, so what if they do say to other people they didn't enjoy the hen do? Why are you so worried about this?

No one has ever apologised for dragging me along on a (super boring) boozy night/weekend even though I am and have always been "two drinks and done" 🤷‍♀️

Sounds perfect, they were rude.

Sounds ideal and your friends should be embarrassed about not joining it - sounds like they’re the bores! Games can be such a laugh after a few drinks but only if you let your hair down and get stuck in. Sitting on the sidelines sulking, not so much.

I honestly can’t imagine anyone not enjoying dinner, drinks and a hot tub.

I have friends who love a wild night out but I’ve also got incredible memories with them of spa days and chilled movie night with cocktails. Just because they like to party doesn’t mean they can’t also appreciate and enjoy a more chilled night!

Your friends should be texting you to apologise for being so miserable on your special weekend and ruining the fun when they should have been making every effort to make it enjoyable for you!

I would message them something like-
Thank you got coming along to my Hen-do. I had a wonderful time.
I got the impression you didn’t enjoy it as much as some of us and I’m sorry about that.
Fortunately variety is the spice of life and tricky to please everyone.

Hopefully they will then be totally embarrassed about their pathetic behaviour.

@VineandIvy - just to give an example to you

A few weeks ago I went out for coffee and cake with a friend, let's call her Patricia. It was a perfectly nice couple of hours. It was never going to set the world on fire, but it was a nice enough catch up

Later that same week Patricia went out with one of our mutual friends, let's call her Sally.

Sally and Patricia started with coffees, moved onto a pub where they drank 6 jugs of cocktails, a bottle of wine and 4 gin and tonics.

I only know this because they plastered their 'best time ever' over facebook

Should I apologise that my 'nice coffee and catch up' wasn't exciting and therefore didn't make it to Facebook?

Of course not. I was happy that Sally and Patricia had a great time and grateful that I wasn't there as after one glass of wine I tend to fall asleep 🙄

Horses for courses 😀

Your hen do to me sounds perfect.

You are never really going to be able to please a whole group of people, especially on something like a hen do where people may not be from the same friendship groups.

But even if they werent enjoying it, they should have pretended...they were rude and should be embarrassed.

Going on a bar crawl with lots of shots is not my kind of night at all...would I do it with a smile on my face for a friends do? Yes (well minus the shots!)... I'd join in and act like I was enjoying it even if I wasnt. Because my friends are important to me and I understand the world doesnt revolve around my wants.

Can’t please everyone

I think your hen do sounds lovely and you sound lovely and considerate. Your friends may also have had a lovely time and just didn’t really enjoy a few of the activities, but because you are worried about pleasing everyone and you know they like a drink, then maybe you’re reading too much into it? It sounds like there was plenty of alcohol available and the whole thing sounds perfect to me. We read so many posts on here about people being expected to pay many hundreds of pounds for hen dos. I think you’re a genius for arranging such a lovely night away at such a reasonable cost. Don’t let your worries spoil it.

It sounds ideal to me. I hate those messy hens where people get really drunk and end up in nightclubs til all hours. Your hen sounds lovely. Anyway who cares what they think ? It wasn’t their hen. I wouldn’t worry about it.

Sounds like a brilliant hen do! Don’t feel embarrassed at all! Different people like different things, i🤷‍♀️

This sounds like the best hen do! I would be so excited to go to this hen do.

Your friends were either rude or they weren’t interested and just wanted to watch which is acceptable (depending on their body language etc)

Your hen do is about you, no one else. I bet you have been to a full drinking long night hen do and while it’s not your thing you went along with it. Stop worrying about other people so much you will drive yourself crazy trying to please everyone

Sounds like a lovely hen do! I’d have been delighted to attend this sort of thing. Ignore the party girls and don’t apologise. If you enjoyed it, that’s all that matters!

Did you enjoy it?

Because that's all the hen is for. You.

I've been on hen parties that are not my cup of tea at all (big boozy weekends, yours sounds lovely to me). But you go to celebrate your friend, and it's what they would want.

They may not have enjoyed it. But that's not something for you to be embarrassed about. People enjoy different things. They came to celebrate you.

@VineandIvy do Not do this

@VineandIvy
I would try to work out why you feel the need to acknowledge their behaviour and apologise for your event?

What are you going to do after your wedding? Some people will not like the food, some people won't like the wine, some people won't like the music...... Are you going to write to them and send apologies?

Why do you feel the need to do this?

I agree and think it is something they will look back on in years to come and wish they had behaved differently.

Try not to think any more about it, Jenga. Most of you had a lovely time by the sound of it, I'd have enjoyed it.

Your Hen-do sounds lovely and so do you.

Just try to put the behaviour of the miserable ones behind you and wish their liver all the best going forward.

It sounds lovely! I don't know why you'd be embarrassed. If they wanted to go out on the lash they would have declined the invite and done that instead.

Sounds nice to me and not that dissimilar to something one of my friends did many moons ago.

I agree, your 'friends' sound like they should be embarrassed.

I really hate hot tubs and hen do type adult games, however there is absolutely no way I’d come to someone’s hen do with that attitude and it make it obvious.

You had the hen do you wanted and that’s what counts, also sounds like they should’ve known what was expected.

They were extremely rude and they’re the ones that should be embarrassed.

But logically you can’t control what they say or what they think . Thoughts aren’t facts they are thoughts. Are you going to spend your wedding day looking at all the guests to see who you think is enjoying themselves and how you could have tailored your wedding to suit them.

are you a people pleaser or do you normally get affected by your perception of people’s moods? I ask as I am one myself and even the way you’ve written your post giving all the details and absolutely trying to show us that you did all you could for them and how much you concentrated on others on your day I could see traits of that.

I think it sounds lovely! I didn't want a hen do but some of my friends convinced me to have a picnic in the woods. We had cake and flasks of tea!

If any of the girls were 'bored' because they couldn't get wasted whilst celebrating your special weekend then they aren't real friends and you shouldn't waste any energy worrying about their feelings x