Two unaffordable weddings whilst on maternity leave - help!

[AJC1995]

Next June I have two of the biggest weddings of my life (aside from my own) - my best friend’s and my brother’s. I am MOH for my friend and a bridesmaid for my SIL to be. My brother is getting married in Canada as his future wife is Canadian and my best friend is getting married near her home town about 3 hours away from me. This June I gave birth to our first child so I will still be on maternity leave next year, and not getting paid by that point, for the weddings next year.

The baby was conceived before either my brother or friend were even engaged so their weddings were not a consideration to us. Particularly for my brother, he is a huge commitment-phobe so we were very surprised he even proposed and they live in Bali so had no indication they would choose to get married in her home country, not his (being honest, her family are all very wealthy so we also assumed they’d factor that in when choosing location and not expect our very working class family to pay to travel/stay). We therefore had planned financially for my maternity leave but did not plan to have to go to Canada for a week (which will cost at least £2k) and on top of that attend my friends wedding and me attend her hen do. Baby is not invited to my friend’s wedding so we are also having to pay for my parents to stay nearby with baby to look after her whilst we are at the wedding as I have to be there for 2 nights, again without baby being invited (they don’t live near us now to have her at home). The hen do my friend is planning is a weekend away in the Cotswolds and will probably be at least £500 each. We are saving as much as we can but our maternity leave saving plan included the time I would be pregnant and 6 months full pay postpartum so haven’t been able to save much else to avoid going into the red whilst I’m on stat pay and not being paid.

I am in a position where, because of being on maternity leave and having a young baby, we simply do not have enough money to do it all. Obviously it is not the fault of either my brother or friend that I am in this position but I don’t know what to do. It is horrendous timing. Any advice on how to handle this? I don’t really know what advice I’m looking for, just really stressing!

Work out much you can afford. Can just you go to your friend’s wedding and DH stay at home with the baby.

I wouldn’t stress about it - just tell your brother you’d love to be with him, but you can’t afford to travel to Canada while on unpaid maternity leave.

Tell your friend you really want to come, but the baby will have to be invited (you and your husband will juggle care and take it out if it cries) as you don’t have anyone who can look after it for two nights.

Don’t flap about it, don’t apologise, just explain the situation. If either of them give you a hard time, that’s their problem, not yours.

When people choose to marry far from home or have child free weddings it means some people won’t be able to make it. (I know your bro is marrying a Canadian, but the fact he may not have much choice doesn’t alter the fact some people won’t be able to make it)

Be honest and tell them you can't afford it. It's outrageous that people nowadays have weddings that leave their guests so out of pocket.

Oh and don’t go to the hen do - just explain you can’t do it on unpaid Mat leave.

Prioritise your brother's wedding. Opt out of your friend's owing to finances and baby.

I agree with the suggestions above. DD’s wedding will be abroad and I’m not at all sure I’ll go. People getting married abroad is fine, expecting guests to spend £000s to attend is bitterly unfair.

I agree with the above. There are honestly different levels of ‘I can’t afford it’. Some people are living on the bread line and literally couldn’t contemplate such invites. It sounds like you are considering your options, so it’s a case of what can you afford? Will you be going back to work and it’s a case of be able put it on a credit card now, pay back later? Do you have savings? Or literally do you not have a penny to your name? I suspect it’s cash flow by some things you implied. In which case I’d be going to Canada probably on my own for the shortest time possible (assuming you are close enough to your brother to go?) I’d probably do the friends wedding either as a day round trip with the family/ baby or head up on my own. I’d dip out the Hen party, with the best will in the world that sounds like hell to me anyway a weekend in a cottage

This. Your friend should have been more considerate regarding you being a new mum. It's the perfect excuse if she still says no anyway. Your baby needs you, and you can't stay away. Your dB is trickier. Can your parents help? Maybe only you go, and not dh? In either case, being honest is best.

Loads of options:

• Go back to work earlier
• Skip the £500 hen do
• Leave your husband at home/at your hotel with the baby
• Go to Canada for less than a week
• Tell your brother you can’t afford the Canada trip

Explain to the friend you can’t do a 500 hen of, and everyone else will thank you. As moh aren’t you organising this? Could help to do so and bring costs down or simply remind her you’re not being paid anymore
her wedding you could do without husband especially as you’ll be so busy. If it’s really important could you take baby? Again if ebf for example it’s a bit unreasonable to expect moh not to bring her baby

Canada I would go as family’s super important; shop for cheap flights . Can you stay with family? Share accommodation? I know it won’t pay for much but agree no presents including. Wedding birthday Christmas this year!

Weddings have got ridiculous.

Go to the UK wedding alone. Forget the hen do, they’re not important.

What is it that you want to do, ideally?

They are just weddings. The couples will still be married whether you go or not. They won’t be any less happy.

Just don’t go, and absolutely don’t plan to leave your baby to facilitate it- your friend early gives no fucks about you so absolutely don’t spend money you don’t have on it.

If you have to do one it should be family, but I really wouldn’t be lugging a newborn baby to Canada either.

Weddings really don’t matter though, marriages do obviously but in the grand scheme of things the day is just bollocks and I can guarantee the stress and worry will not be worth it if you go.

Quite simply do what you can afford and don’t do anything that you can’t.
Then tell people you can’t afford what they want.

Work out a budget of what you can realistically afford. Make sure you’ve accounted for annual leave, (or shared parental leave if you’re on a term time contract) and also 10 KIT days if you feel you’re able to do them. If you want to earn some extra cash, head over to the £10 a day thread.
Be honest with both your brother and your best friend that money is a problem and you aren’t going to do all of it or possibly even any of it, once you’ve said that, it takes the pressure off and you can work out what if any you can afford.
Price up the options - doing your best friend’s wedding by yourself in a day or staying just one night leaving DH and baby at home, or all of you doing it in a day, or even explaining no childcare.
Skip the hen do - you won’t be the only one not able to afford a £500 hen do. Offer to do something else instead much cheaper e.g. night out, afternoon out or something.
I don’t know where in Canada, but if it’s Vancouver, check out flights to Seattle plus car hire. You can often get a better deal flying to the US as there’s more competition on the route. Use birthdays/Christmas and ask for money towards it all instead of presents.
Or if you can’t do any of it due to finances, then explain and don’t worry. Most people are reasonable. Overseas weddings, you expect people to struggle to afford it and if your best friend doesn’t make arrangements or helps you out then to be frank she’s not much of a friend.

Say you can’t afford the hen do and write that off immediately, what a ridiculous amount of money to expect anyone to spend on a hen do!
Would it be an option for your parents to travel to your home and care for your daughter there? As opposed to everyone hauling up to the wedding location and having to pay over double tor accommodation etc?
The Canada wedding, well that’s a tough one. I wouldn’t want to miss my brothers wedding but it’s a very big ask expecting you to attend. Could you possibly go alone and leave DH and your baby at home?

Unfortunately you can't afford to go to either wedding now, let alone hen dos.

Skip hen do, leave baby with dad for wedding.

Go to brothers wedding.

Are you serious about the suggestion that the OP goes back to work early? Surely time spent with her baby is more important than any wedding?

Definitely write off the hen do. A good friend will understand if you’re honest and say you can’t afford it. And if they don’t, they’re not a good enough friend to be MOH for.

Ask friend if they will let you bring the baby as you don’t have childcare. If not, either leave DH at home or explain that unfortunately you won’t be able to make it.

Brother’s wedding is trickier. Though DH didn’t go to his sibling’s wedding abroad. His family got over it.

Don’t get into debt you can’t afford to keep other people happy. You could consider an interest free cc for some costs, but I’d only do that if I knew I could comfortably repay in the interest free period when I was back at work.

Just be honest with them and tell them with mo expectation for them to foot the bill, that you can't afford to travel and attend extravagant hen weekends etc.
as your friend and family they should understand.

Or if you don't want to have that conversation you'll have to prioritise one.

Why does your parents need to stay near where the wedding is to look after your child? That's an instant cost reducer.

A £500 hen do is ridiculous so I would knock that one on the head immediately.

Tell your friend you don’t have anyone to leave the baby with so either the baby comes or DH stays at home/hotel with the baby.

Talk to your DB, or maybe go for less time?

This!

You just say I'm really sorry but I'm skint, I've been saying that since having dd 18 years ago!

Talk to them and explain the moneys just not there 🤷‍♀️

£500 for a hen do 🤯 insane.

You're making their choices your problem.

The hen do my friend is planning is a weekend away in the Cotswolds and will probably be at least £500 each.

Hahahaa. No. You won't be doing that and she will have to deal with it.

As for everything else, your first and only real priority is your baby. End of. Second comes your finances. If you can't, or don't want to, spend money on something, you don't and don't apologise for it. Go alone to your friend's wedding for one night and don't go to your brother's wedding if you can't afford it.