Pressure to attend a wedding with newborn

[PeapodRas]

Hello.

It's my husband's first cousin's wedding 8 weeks after our due date so my baby could be 6-10 weeks old at the time.

The wedding is all 90 mins away and family are booking the hotel to stay over one or two nights.

I really don't want to go but MIL has mentioned the wedding quite a few times and also said she took a baby to a wedding a few weeks after he was born (albeit 40 years ago!).

The reasons I don't want to go are:

1. I don't think it'll be enjoyable while I'm breastfeeding
2. I'll worry about the baby being exposed to loads of strangers, germs and people trying to pick the baby up (MIL wanting to show the baby off, it's her first grandchild).
3. I don't drink and I just don't think people drinking will have boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable or overly cautious?

Thanks

All these people who practically climbed Everest with a new born baby strapped to their chest are very admirable. In my experience it is hard work going to an event such as a wedding with such a young baby. Go with your gut feeling and politely decline.

Just turn down the invitation now and get your dh to handle any family fallout. You don't know how you'll be, how the baby will be and you just need not to be concerned about this as you'll be busy getting ready for the birth.

If your husband is very supportive, ask him to keep any comments away from you and ask him to ask his MIL to just go through him for anything.

This. Who cares what other people did anyway? Only you know what you feel you'll be happy with and tbh with a small baby your happiness, health and comfort (and that of your baby) need to be prioritised. If this won't be supported by attending the wedding, then just decline now.

A firm regretful decline of the invitation wishing the happy couple all the best is all you need - just say you would have loved to join the celebration but unfortunately (all being well) we will have a tiny baby at that stage and can't commit to attending any big events when they will be so young. And let all further communication come via your dh.

At 6-10 weeks you may not be ready for that kind of outing. Not everyone has straightforward births and is up and about the next day.

I had an episiotomy which got infected and opened up - took almost 8 weeks to heal and sitting and walking was painful for a lot of that time. Hopefully you don’t have any issues like that but it’s best to be cautious and not commit to anything right now

Personally I would be non-commital and see how you feel. Relax and try not to overplan as you won’t know how you’re feeling after the birth and your baby is (colicky or chilled!).
I did a funeral 3 hours away when my first was 9 weeks old. Then with my second a christening when DD was 9 days and a wedding at 5 weeks 60 mins away. I just made sure I had a nap in the morning before we went (sleep is super important to me) and tried to relax. I also responded to the invites that I would try my best to be there if all was well - then if you don’t have a definite yes or no there isn’t so much pressure.
You might be feeling great and ready to go out and feel yourself and let your husband look after your baby for a bit while you mingle - but then you might be stuck in cluster feeding. Either way is fine and normal! Good luck x

I like a few others have also taken a baby to a wedding (10 weeks and my first) and honestly it was fine. He was super chilled slept most of the time and when was awake I took him around to show a few people with DH so that I was in control of the situation and could choose who held him.

My MIL sounds very similar to yours and I would suggest you start putting boundaries I'm now if you do not want her to be picking baby up and wondering all over the place etc the sooner she knows where you and DH stand the easier it is.

It all depends on the baby. Each one is very different, with regards to being around people, tolerating noise, feeding and sleeping well. I’d say wait until after you give birth, around the 3 weeks mark when baby should be in some sort of routine, to see how you feel. It’s seems an unnecessary thing to be focused on at the moment. Just enjoy the precious last stages of just you and bump.

Last year I traveled to the south of France for a friends wedding when my baby was 6 weeks old. We decided to drive there as I didn’t like the idea of baby going on a plane that young. It was a 15 hour drive (without stops) so we split it up by staying over in Paris for the night. I was so undecided whether I wanted to go or not like you but I’m glad in the end I did!
It wasn’t that difficult as baby was brilliant. It was a very family oriented wedding, so taking baby in and out of the wedding didn’t bother anyone. And everyone was so helpful, especially the older crowd as they just wanted to help in anyway possible. My husband was very hands on as well which helped massively so I could have some free time myself.

Main thing is that if you don’t feel ready to take baby out to an event, then don’t. It’s that simple. But don’t let having a baby make you scared to go out and withdraw from normal life. I was very body conscious at the time but looking back, no one else cared and I’m glad I didn’t miss out.
Congratulations on the baby and hope that you enjoy every moment with your little one😊

‘No’ is a full sentence! If you dont feel up to it or don’t want to go OP, stick to your guns.

I must have an extremely peculiar extended family.

I would absolutely bloody jump at the chance to have baby cooed over by adoring relatives after 6 weeks hard slog ! Then again I have never needed to 'set boundaries' on my nearest and dearest as - having birthed both DH and I have always been of the opinion that they know what they are doing . The more people who want to help me the better ..

I would definitely of gone and enjoyed myself.

A routine at three weeks?! Fifteen hour drive?! This feels like a joke post...

I think your comment is unnecessary. I’ve shared my personal experience. Why do you seem to have a problem with it? As I said, the drive was not done continuously. There were stops and a stay over half way. To others it may seem impossible, but for others it is not. You DO learn a babies own routine quite early on I.e. how often they want feeding/sleep pattern etc. At least I was lucky in this regard. Not all babies are screaming angry babies. Why do people on mumsnet never like to hear anything positive?

I know what you mean.

I hosted a party for 30-40 people, in my home, when my first was 3 weeks old. I did a LOT of baking for it. I think people were around for a good ten hours in all as it turned into an evening bbq.

My second we were also abroad at 6 weeks, though we flew. Baby was fine, it was the toddler that was a challenge.

They weren't 'easy' babies necessarily (my second was what most people would cash challenging), but it was just fine. Most people I know on real life are out and about within a few days, going to events. I've had friends that have moved house within a week of birth, others that have gone camping with a month old baby. Obviously it's not everyone, but I think the 'getting on with it' happens much more on real life than on mumsnet.

Saying that, each to their own. I wanted to get out and about, and see friends with my new baby. Others might want to hunker down, and that's fine also. They are just different experiences. But it's certainly not unrealistic or ridiculous to think that a lot of women go abroad, host parties etc within a few weeks of becoming a mum.

We also had a bit if a routine by 3 weeks. But a sleep training type routine, but we knew what our evenings would consist of and could plan (first, having a chill out, second screaming and cluster feeding).

@Springadorable why?! This isn't everyone's idea of fun but it's 100% doable. I don't get why people are making out post partum mothers need to be so withdrawn and wrapped in cotton wool for months. If you have a good birth experience you can feel back to/pretty close to 100% very quickly so if you have a very settled baby and a hands on partner to help (but not essential) and you like being out and about you quite literally can do anything you fancy.

Slightly different but my DD was christened at about 6 weeks. It was all booked before she was born and then she was overdue by 10 days!! Although I felt totally out of it for most of the 6 weeks it was a lovely, though busy day but she was actually fine for it. Sleeping/feeding!!
It is totally up to you as to how you feel about going and your conditions won't help. If you are anxious, little one maybe also.
Others have recommended taking them in a sling if you go because they can't then be taken away/passed around.
Good luck and make the best decision for you.

If they were a close family member I would consider it, but to be honest I would probably just send DH and order a takeaway and chill with baby at home. No risk of baby catching any viruses before first jabs and with my first I was totally exhausted and not up to long days and I would have felt awful dressed up as it took forever to be comfortable in my body again!

I’m a FTM to a 13 week old and while I’d now be happy to take him to a wedding and hand him around I definitely wouldn’t have been at 6 weeks. I was very paranoid about germs (made everyone wash their hands before holding) and felt anxious being out in busy places.

if you really want to go then as others have said I’d take baby in a sling so no one can try and touch/hold. Personally I’d also go to the ceremony only (and maybe reception drinks) but head back to the hotel after to chill as it can be quite stressful being out with a newborn.

if you’re not that fussed I’d just decline now, encourage your husband to go (if they’re close) and ask a friend or family member to stay with you if you think you’ll need it x

For a start, a fifteen hour drive without stops would mean stopping every 30 mins for a six week old baby to travel safely...and is therefore not doable even with an overnight stop. Secondly, babies aren't in a routine at three weeks. They just aren't. They don't even know they are a separate entity to their mothers. So straight away you have two examples which are either a) not true or b) not safe. So I hope it's a joke.

@Springadorable she was stating how long the drive was/would be not including the stops they made 🤦🏼‍♀️ and added they split the drive up and stayed over in Paris as well. Not driving for 15 hours straight was ridiculously obvious before she had to articulate it in a comment below for those who didn't comprehend that so easily 😬.

No need to be so defensive, we are all different, just because it's not something you'd do doesn't mean others haven't or don't safely. Babies can travel, it's not rocket science to implement safe travel, going to a wedding or on holiday or to an event with a newborn doesn't have to be a huge fuss. It's not that "out there" to be happy and confident enough and want to do it.

Also, on the topic of routines, I'm certain she means the natural pattern that baby establishes quite quickly when feeding on demand.... Again, nothing crazy, all lead by baby.

There's no need to tell new mum's that everything is going to be too much for them in the first few weeks, it's absolutely ok to not want to do things but it's totally possible and no drama needed.

Use a sling then there's no pressure to pass baby round. Make no excuses for existing yourself back to the room or a quiet space to feed or rest.