Pressure to attend a wedding with newborn

[PeapodRas]

Hello.

It's my husband's first cousin's wedding 8 weeks after our due date so my baby could be 6-10 weeks old at the time.

The wedding is all 90 mins away and family are booking the hotel to stay over one or two nights.

I really don't want to go but MIL has mentioned the wedding quite a few times and also said she took a baby to a wedding a few weeks after he was born (albeit 40 years ago!).

The reasons I don't want to go are:

1. I don't think it'll be enjoyable while I'm breastfeeding
2. I'll worry about the baby being exposed to loads of strangers, germs and people trying to pick the baby up (MIL wanting to show the baby off, it's her first grandchild).
3. I don't drink and I just don't think people drinking will have boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable or overly cautious?

Thanks

Personally I don't get worrying about exposure. They get antibodies in the womb and through breastmilk for that.

I'd be dubious about committing you and baby's attendance. You just don't know how you and baby will be yet.
DH should be there unless there is a big issue not yet known about. At 90 mins away, can he not drive there and not stay over?

It's 90 mins from home. Why not go and then you can choose when you leave according to how your baby is at the time? I understand family want to meet the baby and what better opportunity. All done in one go. Feed before you leave home, on arrival and then if you're lucky your baby could then go some time before feeding again.

Both my DC were induced at 42 weeks. I took my DC2 to a function at 5 days old. She was fine.

Accept the invitation and see how it goes.

If you don't want to go, don't, but I don't think it would be a problem going with a baby. It'll probably be the easiest wedding you'll go to with them for about a decade.

I didn't go to a wedding with a baby that age, but went to several parties, went abroad in holiday etc. My breasts came with me, so we could go anywhere, and baby was mostly strapped to me in a sling.

Babies are as portable as you make them (to an extent anyway). Providing you are both well enough then I'd honestly make the most of the first few months where they don't have a fixed bedtime and don't try to run away from you.

But if you don't want to go, you've got a half decent excuse.

Is it that easy when MIL is hovering? She's lovely but I feel like she's gonna feel like she's allowed to just pick baby up when she wants etc. In which case I lose control over who baby is in contact with etc.

He's happy to go on his own and stay over which is fine.
If I'm in the comfort of my own home with my family nearby, I'm not worried over that. I think it's just being out of my comfort zone and probably being very averse to going right now which isn't making it easy for me to imagine a half decent time

I think some of us are worriers by nature. I'm particularly concerned over the Herpes virus...but I have had generalised anxiety disorder and agoraphobia in the past 😂😬
I tested the scenario with my friend who's more relaxed and a proper social butterfly and even she was a little cautious in her approach so I felt like some of my concerns were valid.
I think I'll just see how I am mentally and try not to fixate on it for now - bigger things to worry about on the horizon!!

We had a wedding invite for DHs friend soon after my due date. We agreed that DH would go but I didn't want to commit so said not to book me a space for the meal but if I felt up to it and someone pulled out last minute/on the day then I would take their space.
I didn't go in the end as didn't fancy it and my mum came and stayed with me while DH went to the wedding. I bled for seven weeks after giving birth, was still fat, knackered and baby was cluster feeding. If you fancy going and showing baby off then go but don't put pressure on yourself to please others- enjoy your newborn bubble for as long as you want x

I think until your baby's been born it’s really difficult to know. With DS I had a tricky birth and really wasn’t up to much at all until he was about 2 months old. We went away for the night to stay with relations at Christmas when he was about 4 weeks old and I found that very difficult.

DD on the other hand I would have been fine to take her to a wedding from probably about 2 weeks.

I'd stay being non commital for now and for as long as you can.

1. Bring my mum and she looks after baby at hotelroom next to party.
2. Stay home.

Would be my options.

Thanks for sharing that - appreciate it!

This.

The journey will take much longer than 90 mins because the baby can't be in a car seat for that long.

I wouldn't have felt up to it at 6 weeks but I might have done at 10 weeks.

Baby won't have had any/all jabs. You may not be fully healed. You don't know how confident you'll feel about feeding.

If you really wanted to go I'd say play it by ear and get advice here on how to make it possible and minimise stress. But if you don't fancy it don't go. Let DH go himself.

I went to a wedding 12 days after giving birth and it was honestly fine!

We didnt stay overnight, but ceremony, food etc was fine. They slept most of the time in their pram.

If your worried about germs then just dont pass them around - i didnt. I just said no thank you.

It honestly was fine - but totally understandable if you dont want to go.

@OMGsamesame

A baby can stay 90 min in a car seat but if hungry, unsettled or crying it's no fun. And ypu will always have to plan for handling baby's needs.

I went to my brother's wedding less than 2 weeks pp. For obvious reasons we weren't definite confirmed guests but they were okay with that. The ceremony was an hour away. Then there was a 3 hour gap in a big city so we went home. The afternoon was in a different location 50 minutes from home and we travelled there after a break at home. It was a very relaxed affair, less than 50 people. I'm glad we went. We wouldn't have if we had had any problems though. Also had a just turned 2 year old. Everyone was very respectful of what I needed and I was happy to flop a boob out wherever required including in the ceremony if necessary to keep the peace. Dress was chosen with this in mind.

Is this your first baby? I would never have gone with my first.

Forget it and don't feel bad. You will still be healing and it's not easy at all. I can be really difficult to bf too. You don't know how baby will feed, a lot? A little? Colick? Windy? Poor latch.

No sorry forget it.

I thought it read your brother-in-laws wedding! No ... Not for a first cousin. I wouldn't unless I was a third time mum and wanted someone to watch the other two 😂

I did attend a wedding when my DD was 6 weeks old so here's my experience.

What helped was: NO PRESSURE from anyone to attend. It was a colleague of DH's wedding so not family and a very relaxed affair so completely up to how we felt on the day. If you are already feeling under pressure to attend then that may compound until the event and you'll feel rotten.

I fed DD in the car before going into the church and she slept through the wedding.

We then went home for a few hours of down time before driving to the evening reception (buffet and dancing in the village hall). Fed DD at one point sitting in the car, changed her and then rejoined the party. One of DH's older female colleagues took DD which let me grab something to eat and drink.

DD was passed around, but not massively, and she was either asleep or just happy to be held. I admit I did enjoy seeing other people enjoying her, it was all colleagues of DH who were really happy for him and she was never out of our sight as we were in a village hall. It might have been the first time DH and both ate and drank something together without one of us juggling her 😄

Neither of us drank alcohol and DH drove us home after a few hours.

It was all very relaxed and low key which also helped. Not a formal wedding at all. Lots of children too and a lovely "old fashioned, village wedding" vibe which helped.

If you really don't think it's going to be for you then write a short, polite note to the bride as far in advance as you can to thank her for the invite but explain you'll not be attending. As long as people know in advance then expectations can be managed. (Ahem... MIL!) And if you decide to go then pop baby in a sling, a good way to keep her close without passing her around (unless you want to!).

TBH it doesn't sound as though you're going to enjoy it very much even if you and your newborn are well enough to go. Rather than have ongoing persuasion from your MIL/other family agree in principle while adding 'all being well'. And then don't go.

It's a bit sneaky when you're already fairly sure you won't be going but I do it sometimes because I can't stand people trying to change my mind. I feel that if my people can't respect my decision to say no to something then they deserve a bit of deceptive behaviour on my part. On the whole it works out better than my previous coping mechanism which was to give an honest answer and then have a massive strop at the umpteenth attempt to change my mind.

Yeah it's my first!
Plus I don't feel like I'll be missing out as I don't drink, I'm not that close to the bride and it's away in a more rural location so there's not really anywhere to escape unless we pay a fair amount for a hotel room!

Thank you!

It totally resonates where I'm feeling pressured so already having negative feelings and just feeling like I'll be completely emotional and unable to cope.

But it sounds like you had a good experience, we'll be a bit far from home to be able to nip back but might have to book a room at the hotel!

Haha I'm positioning no and also having strops 🙈😂

I went to an all day wedding when my son was 8 weeks old. Originally I declined as he wasn't invited and I wasn't ready to leave him all day. He was no bother,he slept all the way through everything upto the speeches at which time I left the room. Changed him, fed him, chatted/played for a while and went back in. We left about 9 30, people were starting to get drunk and the volume ramped right up after the buffet so it was our queue to come away. I'm so pleased we went and my husband and I got to see one of our best friends get married.

I personally would not have been up to it. I had a lot of back pain from the epidural/spinal block (was prepped for emergency c section but luckily wasn’t needed) I was still bleeding heavily at 6 weeks pp.
Breast feeding was going fine so for me that would have been ok
I was also napping a lot due to waking up during the night to feed.

Everyone is different and recovers differently. I would have to say that if they need a definite answer now then it’s a no but if they are happy to wait and see how you feel then it’s a maybe.

Also it’s not recommended for a baby to be in a car seat for that long either at such a young age due to the positioning.

Yeah, yeah, MIL is Superwoman! But you are a different kind of superwoman - one who's super powers include putting the health of your newborn first. If you can work out a compromise that's great, if not, then MIL will get over it.