Pressure to attend a wedding with newborn

[PeapodRas]

Hello.

It's my husband's first cousin's wedding 8 weeks after our due date so my baby could be 6-10 weeks old at the time.

The wedding is all 90 mins away and family are booking the hotel to stay over one or two nights.

I really don't want to go but MIL has mentioned the wedding quite a few times and also said she took a baby to a wedding a few weeks after he was born (albeit 40 years ago!).

The reasons I don't want to go are:

1. I don't think it'll be enjoyable while I'm breastfeeding
2. I'll worry about the baby being exposed to loads of strangers, germs and people trying to pick the baby up (MIL wanting to show the baby off, it's her first grandchild).
3. I don't drink and I just don't think people drinking will have boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable or overly cautious?

Thanks

I don't think I would have fancied that with a 6 week old baby and you won't know how you feel until you're nearer the time - eg they might be amazing sleepers and be happy in the sling, or really unhappy and colicky.

You're completely not unreasonable in not wanting to go.

What does DH say? Will he support you if you have rules about who picks up/holds the baby?

Totally reasonable - around six weeks there’s often a burst of cluster feeding so you’re just sitting feeding them for hours particularly in the evening. They won’t have had their vaccinations and alcohol lowers inhibitions so you are totally reasonable! Also you may feel up to it or you may not, depends on birth, sleep etc etc. it’s an invitation, not a summons so do whatever feels right for you. It will also depend on how close you are to the person xx

I agree with @TheOneWithUnagi you most likely won’t know how you feel until nearer the time.

If you decide to go then could you book a room at the hotel and go to it when you want to feed? Or even when you want a bit of piece?
J probably wouldn’t take a little baby to the full evening reception so might stay for the first dance and then head off to the room.

I took my baby to a wedding when she was 8 weeks. My dh and I had an understanding about boundaries and that we didn’t pass her off to everyone to be held but amazingly no one questioned this and only offered to hold her if we felt we needed a break.

It's pretty normal to not feel up to that sort of thing post partum. It's ok to say no.

I'd also ignore MIL if she starts talking about how she managed it, I never know why people do this. If you don't want to do something hearing about someone else doing it doesn't make it sound any more appealing.

It sounds like you have your mind made up, and you have a perfectly good excuse. If people give you stick about it, who cares? You're doing what's best for you and your baby and that's all there is to it.

If you do go I'd get a sling like the ergobaby embrace and keep baby in there. They'll sleep and noone can try to hold them.

If I were you I'd be non-committal at this stage. Maybe book a hotel room if it's possible to cancel it nearer the time without having to pay.

You really need to wait and see how you and baby are doing after the birth. It's likely you'll both be fine by 6-10 weeks but there is a small chance one of you might be unwell and still needing to recover.

It's a personal choice and if you don't want to go, you shouldn't feel that you have to. However, your DH and his family might appreciate it if you made the effort. If it was me I think I would do some of it, attend the ceremony and maybe some food and drink afterwards, but I wouldn't stay for the whole thing and would retreat to the hotel room for a quiet evening with baby after that. If you are worried about people touching/holding the baby I would suggest keeping them in a sling. At that age the baby is likely to be breastfeeding or sleeping most of the time anyway so very little chance of cuddles for anyone!

As it is only 90 minutes away could you not go and DH go for the ceremony and come away at the start of the evening do and drive home? DO you have a sister or mum nearby who could come and spend the day with you for support? Means cousin can't complain as DH is there

And maybe you will want to show off your dc! Ask ahead if there is a room you can use to bf.. Sit at the back and leave if dc cries...buy a nice outfit and a wrap incase you need to feed adhoc...

I think at 8 - 10 weeks you will be fine to go to a wedding that's 90 mins away. If you are worried about drinking later on you could just go back after the meal rather than stay over. If you don't want to go though just say so. Perhaps DP can go on his own?

You don't have to do it, the reasons you've laid out in you opening post are valid enough you don't have to please everyone else. Just because others have taken newborns to a Wedding doesn't mean that you have to. You'll still be in your happy newborn bubble settling your baby in & it doesn't last long so enjoy every moment doing what YOU feel you need or want to do and no more.

He's unsure himself at the minute if it's a good idea to attend or not.

But he says we'll do it all together, from making sure I'm ok feeding to setting boundaries etc. Which I trust because he's a decent sort but I also know intentions can go out the window when faced with the reality of a situation!

Yeah that's an option! I'm not even sure how much of the ceremony we'll be able to attend if I'm breastfeeding or baby is crying but I guess it's a good compromise!
I don't think asking my sister or mum along is a great idea, I think the MIL, aunties and cousins on husband's side might get a little offended!!

Haha it does doesn't it 🙈😂
Just wish I didn't have this to worry about as well the important stuff like giving birth etc!

I think it's absolutely fine to go to the wedding. I'm going to one 4.5 hours away when my baby is 8 weeks old. I also went to one when my last baby was 4 weeks old although admittedly it was close to home.

If you don't go then I assume you will allow your partner to go without you? In which case it might be harder work for you at home on your own with your baby.

Also just to say that there is no reason why bf should stop you from doing anything. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to hide away whilst you're bf. If you're really prudish about feeding in front of others then you can always go somewhere quiet to do so.

And in terms of people wanting to hold the baby I think you will be surprised how few people will actually ask to do so at a wedding. But if you're still worried then either have it in a sling on you, be holding it yourself or just say no when people ask eg "he's just about to go for a nap so maybe later".

It's also absolutely fine not to though. I did a wedding 4.5-5 hours away when my baby was the same age as yours, and the drive took about seven hours with stops to feed etc. We ended up staying over half way to break it up. It was an expensive and time consuming undertaking and if it wasn't a wedding for a very close family member I definitely wouldn't have bothered.

You don't have to go if you don't think you will feel up to it, and DH can field any nonsense from MIL. It's not up to her.

If you do want to go, I second getting a good sling/wrap. It will make it less likely that people pester you for a cuddle, and you'll be more comfortable. If you're breastfeeding you can feed through the ceremony which should keep the baby quiet. Booking a room so you can duck out when you want to is also a great idea.

I think you might feel like it, you might not, when the time comes. As it's easily doable without staying, I'd tell the family you're attending 'all things being well' but plan to leave late afternoon before the cluster feeding period sets in. Then if you don't fancy it at the time you can say you're not up to it. This way you don't have MIL going on at you for months.

@Springadorable I guess so. But it's a first cousins wedding and clearly important to MIL and presumably her DH too so if OP can go then it would be nice to go. Unless DH doesn't care/isn't close to the person getting married of course.

Obviously post partum can be a tricky time for lots of women and she may genuinely feel unable to go but I do think she's more likely to be fine than not. BF should be well established by then and she is likely to be well healed by then too.

Just my opinion and experience having had an emergency c section with my first and a vaginal with my second.

Absolutely not. Logistics aside, your tiny baby won't need exposure to all of those people.

Cousin will be just as married the next day whether or not you attend.

Tell MIL your doctor doesn't recommend it.

We did quite a lot of long distance travel with our son starting at around 6 weeks old and it was fine he pretty much slept whenever the car was moving.

Personally I like the idea of a night snuggling with baby in a nice hotel room, so if I could go to the wedding and then retreat that would be ace.

This seems so paranoid. What exposure are you imagining?! The OP is presumably going to take her baby out of the house where other humans also roam around before they are 8 weeks. Supermarket, doctors surgery, park, shopping centre, pub to name a few. Unless she's handing the baby round to everyone she comes across at the wedding (which she's already said she doesn't want to do) there's no more risk to the baby than in any other scenario.

Yes agreed, this feels far too anxious. Obviously don't get someone with a raging cold to lick the baby, but otherwise it's fine?