Pressure to attend a wedding with newborn

[PeapodRas]

Hello.

It's my husband's first cousin's wedding 8 weeks after our due date so my baby could be 6-10 weeks old at the time.

The wedding is all 90 mins away and family are booking the hotel to stay over one or two nights.

I really don't want to go but MIL has mentioned the wedding quite a few times and also said she took a baby to a wedding a few weeks after he was born (albeit 40 years ago!).

The reasons I don't want to go are:

1. I don't think it'll be enjoyable while I'm breastfeeding
2. I'll worry about the baby being exposed to loads of strangers, germs and people trying to pick the baby up (MIL wanting to show the baby off, it's her first grandchild).
3. I don't drink and I just don't think people drinking will have boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable or overly cautious?

Thanks

It would be a no from me but be ok with partner going

Pahahah I could barely walk still at 6 weeks pp due to ruptured stitches. There’s no way you can predict this stuff. Maybe just say you’ll see how you’re all doing closer to the time - if they really want you there, then I’m sure they’ll understand the need to be flexible.

Wait till baby’s here to decide.see how your recovering physically and mentally! You might quite like to get out! Don’t need to stay for the whole day/evening.
newborn babies at that age are so easy to bring along to events, they’re just sleeping and feeding!

My SiL got married 3 weeks after my son was born, I didn't go. If you have a C section you might still be very sore, and even a bad natural birth can take weeks to recover from. I sent my husband and my mum came to see me so I wasn't on my own the whole time. It was fine that way. Its not your cousin, and it's only a cousin not a sibling/parent so I'd say just do what you want to do. Or you could compromise and just drive to and from the ceremony (having said that, in my experience very little babies normally just sleep in the car, but if you get one that doesn't like it then 90 mins in the car feels like FOREVER!)

If you really wanted to go you definitely could, and people do, but it sounds like you don't want to for some very valid reasons and that means you don't have to. Stick to your guns and don't be bullied into it! Sounds like MiL just wants to show off her new grandhcild, which is sweet but also not ideal and at that age you don't want lots of germy distant relatives all over them

YANBU, I was still in my dressing gown at 6 wks!! Everyone is different but I would have hated it, plus all the people breathing germs over a newborn. if you did not want to go say no, doesn’t matter what mil thinks, it’s your baby. Just say that you don’t feel comfortable and if she pushes it that it’s your decision and you be won’t be going. End of

I had friends come to my wedding with their 2 month old, it was a 2.5 drive for them on a good day without traffic and that’s not counting the frequent stops you have to do with a baby. I was honestly expecting them to politely decline the invite 😂 It was lovely to have them there, but I would’ve completely understood if they didn’t come. I’ve had 3 children since and there is NO chance I’d go to a wedding that soon after giving birth unless it was someone incredibly close and even then I would probably stay as little time as possible! Just do what feels right OP, if they’re decent people they will understand.

It doesn’t matter what we think - you don’t want to go so don’t. The sooner you politely decline the invitation (don’t go into lots of detail just that it’s too soon after the birth) the sooner you can stop worrying about it and focus on you and your baby.

Would I have gone to a wedding after six weeks? Absolutely not. I would not even entertain the idea. Birth injuries still not healed, breasts leaking milk the whole time…. I just wanted to be at home, in peace and privacy, wearing easy access tops and massive pants! I also think your points 2 and 3 are completely valid, I wouldn’t have wanted my babies around lots of people or people drinking. They are tiny and vulnerable and just want to be snuggled up with their mum :)

*I appreciate and respect that others will not share my view and I don’t think people venturing out to things at 6 weeks is bad in any way - it just would not have worked for me or my babies x

Also your in laws need to sort their attitude out!

@PeapodRas At 6 weeks no way would I have gone. I was cluster feeding and exhausted. At 10 weeks I would have gone, but definitely would have had to put strict boundaries in place around other people touching my daughter. At 13 weeks (now) I wouldn’t go as my daughter is going through a tearful stage and would not last at that sort of party.

Definitely don’t think you’re being unreasonable by saying no, you don’t know how you’re going to feel at that point or whether baby has colic etc.

I would keep plans loose for both of you. If your baby is colicky it's going to be difficult, you won't be able to go and it would be very harsh of your husband to go and leave you alone with a colicky baby. And I say this from experience, because DH did that to me when Dc1 was 4 weeks old and it was horrific. Baby had silent reflux, which was undiagnosed at that time.

But, you might find you can and want to go. I could have gone with DC2, who was a very content, easy baby.

The problem is that you won't know how you'll feel until the time comes so I'd make plans that you can cancel if you need to.

And don't let MIL bully you or guilt trip you!!

You don't have to go of course but 90 minutes isn't a lot and your other reasons are also silly.

I'd either all go just for a few hours and leave before evening do. Or just your dh go for bc whole event

I'd say no now. You have no idea what state you'll be in after the birth

If you do go remember you have to stop every 30 minutes in the car to get baby out the car seat

As others have said, it’s difficult to know how you will feel. I was very anxious about breastfeeding in public and going out generally when my first was that young. However, I came to realise that it was actually easier and more enjoyable when we were out and about. With my second we were up and out straight away.
It is entirely possible that you will enjoy the company, food and the attention, especially if your baby takes to a sling and sleeps a lot.
But it’s entirely your decision and so annoying that your MIL is trying to dictate what you should be doing and how you should be feeling so soon after giving birth. That will be your time to do whatever you need to and is absolutely no one else’s business.

I went to a wedding with dd when whe was 9 weeks old, it was an hour away, we didn't stay overnight. It was absolutely fine. Go for the ceremony, main dinner then say your goodbyes before the evening do kicks off which is noisy and you'll be tired.

I haven’t read everything, but wanted to say that we managed to attend a (very) close family member’s wedding with 7 week old twins also around an hour from home. I had a c section, so could only just drive! We didn’t stay all evening, but managed the ceremony and meal. We just went home rather than stay over. I remember being worried about germs - it was in the time of the swine flu panic - but it was all ok. It is doable if you want to go, but see how you feel.

I think if you want to go, it's totally doable and can be enjoyable-i was a bridesmaid with a 5 week old newborn and 2 others under 7, and we had a lovely time. It was actually nice getting dressed up and having dinner out and no washing up or house stuff to keep on top of for the day. If you don't want to go though, you've a reasonable excuse.

I think you're over thinking about everyone wanting to hold your baby, a few relatives might but people at weddings in the main are drinking and socialising, in their easily creased best clothes, so beyond a few long smiles and acknowledgements of their cuteness it'll be all about the bride and groom. If you don't want someone to hold them just say you're about to feed??

It is absolutely insane to me that people have Expectations of brand new Mums attending a massive formal party a few weeks after giving birth, regardless of how they feel. I was still bleeding at that point, exhausted and sleep deprived, with feeding difficulties that were only slowly starting to improve. Tiny babies just want to be cuddled by Mum (Dad at a push) and to be kept warm and full of milk. They won't get anything out of being passed around hoards of relatives. It's pretty selfish of anyone to put pressure on you about this - they are not thinking of you or the baby, only of what they want.

OP, if you don't want to go, just don't go! Perhaps you'd feel up to it, perhaps not, but all that really matters is whether you actually want to. If it's too much to think about then just send your regrets, send a nice card and gift, and put it from your mind. Just because other people have taken newborns to weddings doesn't mean you have to.

I did a wedding with our first at 8 weeks (can't quite remember exactly who old). It was a friends wedding and I think the biggest thing was there was no pressure. She was very relaxed about it (there was also a 2 week old baby there) which I think rubbed off on us being relaxed about it.
It was 2 hours away and we stayed overnight at the venue (the bride kindly reserved us one on the wedding party rooms so we definitely had a room). It was very do what you need with the baby and be involved as much as you can sort of environment. At that age DS pretty much slept most of the day anyway so he spent most of his time in the pram not being held by people.

BUT your reasons are completely valid for not wanting to go. Only you can make that decision. We had a lot of wedding/hen dos/stag dos when DS was under a year old so starting with a relaxed friends wedding ( I attended her hen do when DS was 4 weeks) was a good start to those situations. Some people don't like to do any of those sort of events when their kids are little and that is also fine.

We went to DH brothers wedding when our first born was 10 days old. It was 2 hours away from us. We missed the ceremony as we made a last minute decision to go but made it for the dinner and speeches. Baby was passed around and didn't pick up any life threatening diseases. I was already on a slide into PND and tbh getting out the house and socialising a bit did me good. I wouldnt have bothered for anything less then immediate family tho. Depends entirely on how your baby is really, some are easy babies some are not. Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with.

@BlueFlint I don't think there are expectations, everyone is different. OP's reasons are valid and if it's too much for her I doubt the bride and groom will mind at all but having a newborn doesn't automatically mean you have to be housebound and can't attend anything outside of your living room-unless you don't want to go and in which case you don't have to. The bride and groom aren't going to not invite someone because they've had a baby though.

It's all down to the individual but after 8 weeks I was not personally wanting to sit in the house and cuddle and feed all day, totally fine if others do but life can still go on, that's not an insane perspective.

Yes, fair point. I think I got vibes that there might be pressure from her MIL. I totally agree that you should still invite new parents to family events like this, just that they shouldn't feel obligated. Everyone's different - my view is probably coloured by having a tough first few months and little support and going to a wedding would have been the last thing if want to do. We were out and about going for walks and gentle socialising after couple of weeks though, so definitely not housebound.

As a pediatric nurse this overexposure to people you may not know is not being paranoid .Any baby 3 months and under that gets a fever has a full septic workup and at least 48 hour hospitalization . And yea that means your tiny baby gets a spinal tap and IV antibiotics . 48 hours of pure hell … at least for the grandma to show the baby off NO WAY

7 weeks pp with Ds1 I was hospitalised with a breast abscess for a week... 7 weeks pp with DS2 we were on holiday at center parcs!

You honestly don't know what will happen, but you need to let bride and groom know if you're definitely not going with plenty of notice if you can.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!