Pressure to attend a wedding with newborn

[PeapodRas]

Hello.

It's my husband's first cousin's wedding 8 weeks after our due date so my baby could be 6-10 weeks old at the time.

The wedding is all 90 mins away and family are booking the hotel to stay over one or two nights.

I really don't want to go but MIL has mentioned the wedding quite a few times and also said she took a baby to a wedding a few weeks after he was born (albeit 40 years ago!).

The reasons I don't want to go are:

1. I don't think it'll be enjoyable while I'm breastfeeding
2. I'll worry about the baby being exposed to loads of strangers, germs and people trying to pick the baby up (MIL wanting to show the baby off, it's her first grandchild).
3. I don't drink and I just don't think people drinking will have boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable or overly cautious?

Thanks

I wouldn’t have gone to a wedding with my 8 week old as I just couldn’t be arsed with the rigmarole, and I’d feel uncomfortable being around so many people before he’d had his jabs. But if I did want to go, I’d probably wear baby in a sling so people couldn’t just pick him up and walk off with him or pass him around.

Ugh my MIL pressured me to take my newborn to a family wedding and stupidly I agreed.

Turns out she just wanted to show him off to friends and family and did nothing to help.

I was super uncomfortable and knackered all day cos he was feeding all the time (leaky boobs) and not sleeping much.

Snuggling on the sofa with the baby while your husband attends sounds a much better idea!

I was really disappointed with my friend who didn't come to my wedding when her baby was 8 weeks. Couldn't understand it but I was naive and hadn't had one myself.

Then I had my own and it turned out I still couldn't understand it. Went to a wedding at 8 weeks, had a great time.

Don't understand why breastfeeding presents a problem. I found that easier, no need to worry about how or when I was going to be able to make up a bottle.

You have a perfectly good reason not to go.

I went to a wedding three hours away when my DC was 12 days old and had a lovely time, everyone is different. I wore a blouse under a maternity pinafore and found breastfeeding in this outfit easy and discreet. I also looked surprisingly good in the wedding photos which I did not expect.

Its impossible to know how you’ll feel after you’ve had your baby or what sort of baby you’ll have.

Different scenario but.. my husband's nana passed away around 6 weeks after my second son was born.
Obviously we didn't have a choice whether to attend or not but I wanted to be there. I. Many ways I considered her my nana too.

This was towards the end of COVID. After the service we went for food and I was so anxious all the time :(
Even though COVID still existed (and nana passed away from covid) people still wanted to come to our baby, attempting to touch him, cuddle, stroke him and it was not good.

But it was a different circumstance, although still a 6 week old baby with no immunity whatsoever.

In your position having to travel with a little one, stay over the night, breastfeeding, you may still be sore or not feeling quite right with your body... Never mind sleeping issues and there's no reassurance that you'll be ready to rock. (With my first I had a massive episiotomy and a collection- this opened the wound up and ended up having to heal on its own, which took many many weeks... I had to bed rest with legs closed for nearly three weeks to ensure wound wasn't opening anymore and I sat down for the first time on a chair on Christmas day, 5 weeks after DS was born.

OR you might be perfectly fine on day 3 BUT you don't know :/

I feel from what MIL is suggesting she's very existed to show off grandchild to the guests and she'll probably be very proud...
This might put you on a tricky position if she takes your DC for a walk around (which you won't be refusing I'm assuming) and ending up showing baby to everyone with strokes cuddles kisses etc etc... This might put you in a bit of a pickle...

It's hard to say!
I'm from a different culture where you don't have to rsvp, no one drinks, you can literally just bother off at any time... But I'd be happy to miss the wedding without feeling bad if it was my first cousin! I think I'd just not go and wouldn't feel I had to overthink it all!

I'm sorry to hear that, the cold sore virus is one of my main worries!! My husband didn't even know about the dangers of it so I'm sure there's people out there that don't see the problem with kissing etc 🤦🏻‍♀️

I wouldn’t fancy the wait and see idea myself. It’s a recipe for low level “persuasion” from MIL throughout the intervening period and it’s also not great for the bride and groom. I can’t imagine you will enjoy this wedding and it does present an increased risk of your baby picking up an infection. In the worse case scenario you go and have all the attendant stress and discomfort and still manage to piss off your MIL by not giving her as much free rein as she wants to wander off with the baby to show to everyone.

If you both categorically but politely decline the invitation for you whilst accepting for DH, there will be brief disappointment but then it’s done.

Tell the bride and groom so they don’t pay for a seat for you etc and leave it at that. Tell MIL the day is about the bride not her or new grandchild.

Literally no way I would take a young baby to an event like that with the amount of infectious diseases currently circulating and lack of care from the general population to avoid passing them on. 8 babies have died so far this year from whooping cough alone. We need to go back to the time where we cocoon new babies. It used to be normal to protect them from infections.
YANBU OP.
And congrats on your pregnancy!

I went to my sisters wedding at that stage. I also didn’t know if it would be 6-10 weeks and it was the 6 and emergency C-section but it was all fine. And I was a bridesmaid! I brought a second outfit to wear after the photos which I could BF in easier. As you’re not a BM you will be much easier to just wear what you like.
It was a lovely day. My baby slept so well in the hotel we joked we’d move in there. (Didn’t get that again for years!) people held her while we ate - it was brilliant!
we just left and went back to the hotel about 10.30 as the music then got really loud and I was a bit worried about that and general tiredness. So no drinking issues and my family aren’t really like that anyway.

I couldn’t have gone to a wedding with my first at 6 weeks, I was exhausted and completely wrecked. Certainly wouldn’t have slept over anywhere. And the effort of ‘dressing up’ would’ve been too much!

Some babies are easier than others, feed well and sleep, others not so much. Likewise some new mums cope better than others - it’s an emotional time. Lack of sleep can send you mad.

Basically you can’t predict how you’re going to feel so you’re well within your rights to decline the invitation without feeling guilty. I would!!

I'm not a fan of weddings, and if I had a good excuse not to go to one then I would take it.

Book a room but make sure it has a cancellation policy. Then decide later on if you are going or not.

New mum or not you absolutely do not need a reason not to want to go, no is a full sentence.
Stay home and cherish that tiny baby that will be a big baby in a blink of an eye

TBF, the 'risks' of kissing baby's weren't really considered as an issue until everyone became more risk adverse following COVID really. Mine are 5&6 and I hadn't heard anyone worrying about it when they were tiny. Kisses from people with active coldsores or on lips, sure, but kisses were otherwise fine.

The actual risks from kisses are TINY. About 10 babies die from neonatal herpes annually in the UK, but only 10% of these are from postnatal transmission. Every baby death is one to many, but you are talking about 1 in about 650,000 (and most of those cases will have come from mum or dad postnatally, not relatives or friends).

Be aware, don't let obviously symptomatic people kiss your baby, but honestly, pre 2020 babies were being kissed a lot, and babies dying from herpes was still an incredibly rare thing to happen, just as it is now.

There are many things to worry about as a new parent, but this is so far down the list of actual risks, I really wouldn't let it dominate your thoughts.

Ps: the odds of being struck by lightning are 1 in 13,000. The odds of your baby dying from being passed herpes postnatally 1 in 650,000. It's tiny

@Babyboomtastic but for every baby that dies there will be many babies that suffer non-fatal complications or become ill and recover with treatment.

My newborn caught a stinking cold from the children of visiting friends who told us Edward and Henry were desperate to see the new baby and didn’t mention they were ill, I noticed as soon as Henry leaned over us in the bed. He was flushed and streaming. My DD wasn’t anywhere near being seriously ill but that cold blighted our first weeks disrupting her sleep and her feeding as her nose was so blocked. It was awful. People can be so selfish and thoughtless. The heroes virus is so common and it is dangerous to small babies.

I really doubt the cousin will care if you are there or not on her wedding day, MIL is being selfish. If dh wants to go good for him, off he toddles but I would be staying home- new motherhood is exhausting with nonstop 24hr feeding.

@PeapodRas I'd do yourself a massive favour and make the decision now not to go. Pointless letting it linger in your head while you have other stuff to think about!

Even if you decide you're not going (takes the pressure off) but you communicate this with family nearer the time?

I really advise 100% do not go.
Mostly everyone loves a baby to coo over and you'll have 'family' wanting to hold baby/ push baby around/ cuddle/ take for a walk and you'll be outnumbered as the family will stick together. Then after a few drinks people will feel confident to say again they want to hold baby/ confront you for not letting them etc.
it'll be a piss up on the night (if it's any good 🤣) which is not the place you want to be with a newborn.
You may not even be used to bf in public- mine were about 6-8 weeks the first time I felt confident to bf in public (baby groups/ cafe/ park picnic) before this it was in the car!

If dh is ok going alone, there's no question- stay home!

You can decide not to go, just say you're enduring some post baby related malady and pull out of the event, obvs sooner rather than later on

I totally get that I was furious when my SIL came to visit my first with a heavy cold.

Being sensible means not letting people that are obviously ill near your kids (and doesn't need to be kissing close), and people acting responsible in telling you if they are ill

But this whole 'don't kiss the baby' thing seems to have sprung out of our post covid hypervigilance paranoia. So many parents feel anxious after a baby is born, we don't need to add fuel to that fire when the risk is tiny.

Babies sleep so much at that age it's likely that baby will be in the sling or being held by you asleep. I took my 6 week old to a daytime party and it was lovely- first social outing. Although very stressful when the host who held him told me the next day she had Covid!

I would go just for the daytime and drive home that evening so you don't have to cart all your baby gear. Hubby will possibly need to be the driver if you had a c section.

its perfectly doable - millions of mothers have most likely attended family weddings with new borns - even their own!

Bit of you don’t want to go - don’t.

But your DH should be able to attend.

I'd hate to stay in a hotel with a newborn. I'd just want to spend a couple of hours at a local wedding and then leave. If I was OP then I'd decline and DH could go by himself. OP's MIL doesn't care about OP's wellbeing and just wants to show off her grandchild because she craves attention. Some women have an easy birth and easy recovery, but some women (like me) were not okay until about 3 months postpartum.

Newborns are typically very content being strapped to your chest. I had 3 and EBF’d for 12-18 months, 2 with severe reflux. Your reticence is natural, but I would make the decision after the baby is born. It would have been okay for us.