Pressure to attend a wedding with newborn

[PeapodRas]

Hello.

It's my husband's first cousin's wedding 8 weeks after our due date so my baby could be 6-10 weeks old at the time.

The wedding is all 90 mins away and family are booking the hotel to stay over one or two nights.

I really don't want to go but MIL has mentioned the wedding quite a few times and also said she took a baby to a wedding a few weeks after he was born (albeit 40 years ago!).

The reasons I don't want to go are:

1. I don't think it'll be enjoyable while I'm breastfeeding
2. I'll worry about the baby being exposed to loads of strangers, germs and people trying to pick the baby up (MIL wanting to show the baby off, it's her first grandchild).
3. I don't drink and I just don't think people drinking will have boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable or overly cautious?

Thanks

I swerved my cousin’s wedding when I my twins were 6 weeks old for the very same reasons, had zero regrets and the bride & groom completely understood. We’re not overly precious parents either, it just made sense to us to skip this one. Don't worry what MIL or anyone else thinks, it’s your decision and you don’t need to justify it.

I went to a Christmas party and stayed overnight with DS when he was four weeks old. I went to the same party with him a year later. It was a lot harder the second time tbh because he’d just started walking.

But that’s my experience and it’s irrelevant to you that I - an internet random - found socialising in the newborn era quote easy and in the toddler era quite tricky. You have to trust your own instinct when you become a parent.

MiL’s disappointment would be understandable but her opinion is immaterial. Your husband can explain things to his cousin and wish all the best for the day. And that’s that.

Is it being a wedding on your in laws side a factor in your decision making? Would you feel the same if it were your first cousin?

I know it's slightly different but my husband's daughter from his first marriage (there's 17 yrs between me and hubby) had a 7wk old baby when we got married and she used that as an excuse not to come and I will never forgive her as she is the only one missing from all of our wedding pictures (he has to other daughters and 3 grandchildren who all came). I travelled 300 miles (took 11.5hrs) with my son when he was 5days old then a further 200miles when he was 11days old so that he coukd meet both sets of grand parents - (South wales/Newcastle/West cost Scotland) I then flew alone from Bristol to Newcastle when he was 7 weeks old abs again at 14wks old. If your baby fits round you from the start they will be so much more compliant going forward. Mr DS is 7yrs now and I can't take him anywhere and know he won't show me up.

I took dd to a family wedding quite a distance away when she was 6 weeks old and again at 12 weeks old. It was fine both times but there was no pressure on me to attend. As it was dd met some of the wider family and it was nice being at the wedding. I left when I needed to

Up until our kids were 2/3 we went to all weddings separately!! (One we didn’t as mutual friends). Just tell dh to go himself and have a fun night away!

@JRM17 your husband's daughter had a 7 week old at the time of your wedding and you'll never forgive her for not attending?
Wow! Stepmother of the year!

I would have loved going to this sort of thing with a small baby! 90 mins isn't far. If I wasn't uk to going I would send my DH for the wedding and either 1/2 nights away.

@JRM17 you do know that not every birth and every baby are the same don’t you?!

My mum went a wedding with me when I was a newborn and I was ebf (wedding wasn't too far away). I bottle fed my DD but I would only attend a wedding if it was local. A 3hr round trip plus hours spent at the wedding would be a no no for me.

It's a 3hr round trip, 90 mins there and 90 mins back.

I would not have been ok at 6 weeks, I was an emotional mess. I did go to a wedding at 12 weeks though- got a room in the hotel, husband took baby back at 8 for bed time and I stayed til 9/10 and went to bed as I knew I’d be up in the night.

you might be fine, but if you don’t fancy it, don’t go! It’s a massive gamble to say yes if there isn’t an option/understanding you might change your mind.

I wouldnt have been up for this 6wks after c section to be honest... was still bleeding, none of my clothed fit comfortably apart from leggings and by 7pm I just wanted to get in bed ready for the 2hourly night time wake ups 😅🙈

Either turn it down or just don't commit, the last thing you need is an event hanging over you when you don't know how you will feel - if you feel amazing when it comes round just drive over for ceremony then come home I'm sure noone will mind either way x

I wouldn't do it either. Such early days. Baby might struggle to settle in the car and in the hotel. YANBU not to attend.

You just have to play it by ear. I went to a wedding six weeks pp and had a great time. It was only two weeks post my due date and I’d made it very clear to DP we would see how things panned out. But in the end I was much less inhibited about breast feeding than I thought I might be, DS went from a colicky demon to very happily settled in the wrap with the band playing and I really enjoyed myself. The newborn phase is great because you can’t get into a routine that early and there are no rules, so I genuinely think it’s worth pushing yourself. I wish we’d travelled more in the first six months for instance now.

@Babyhatesnaps Yes, I did read that it was 90 mins each way. And most people are staying a night. Hotels usually can provide travel cots. IME it's been easier having baby share a double bed with me though for sleep. And I travelled solo by plane with a newborn for a funeral, but had had an easy delivery and previous experience, so understand OP can't know yet what she's confident doing.

You could argue this either way to be honest and I think to go or to not go are both perfectly reasonable positions to take..
I think the most important thing is how you feel about it.
You might also feel differently nearer the time, or you might not.

Anyone talking about it with you should just accept your choice though and not be making you feel bad whichever.

Also there are too many unknowns..my baby screamed in the car until she was much older so even the 3 hour round trip would've been hell for me.

This^
Most people I know (including myself) were absolutely not up to visiting a wedding with a baby of this age for various reasons.

I went to a wedding about 3 hours away when DS was 10 weeks old and honestly, I hated it. He was a difficult baby, cluster feeding, not sleeping at night, and being away from home was really tough. That said, many, many others will have had a different experience.

Re being told you're paranoid about exposure... I'm really rolling my eyes. Newborns are delicate little things. My DS ended up in hospital at 5 weeks and needed a lumbar puncture, along with IV antivirals, because he'd been exposed to a family member with a cold sore and developed a fever. It happens. A lot more than people think. You're perfectly entitled to be concerned, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I would plan to go and decide, at the time, if that still would work for me.

It’s completely your choice. I took my newborn to a wedding when they were 3 weeks old.
I loved it, felt great and to be honest looked great. But it was a local Wedding, I had my hair blow dried at a salon so just had to get ready and go and left the reception just after the 1st dance.

No one really asked to hold the baby as it was a friend of my husband rather than family.

driving and staying away with having to cart all of the baby gear would have been a different ball game.
so if you don’t want to go, don’t.

Husband’s cousin…. meh I’d stay at home on the sofa and just snuggle the newborn.

If you come under pressure and decide to go then just put baby in a fabric sling snuggled up with you so no one will be picking baby up and showing them off. Leave after the wedding breakfast.

90 mins away and you're not planning to drink anyway, I'd go but not stay overnight, and drive home once I'd had enough.

Keep in mind that 90 min in a row is too long for a small baby to be in a car seat

I wouldn't go if I were you. Say no now and forget it.
Mil wants you to go but she'll be delighted to see the baby for 20 mins then will continue chatting with her friends/, family and you'll have spent 3 months worrying about going and thinking about it in the 6-10 weeks after the baby's birth.

What's best for you? To not go.
What's best for baby? To not go.

That mil would like you to go is just that - her preference. Not your obligation