Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

If one side paid for your wedding, did they pay for everyone?

312 replies

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 04:55

Im planning a wedding, my DP is an only child and his parents are very excited and want us to have a huge wedding.

We started looking at places and MIL found an incredible but very expensive place. We agreed on numbers and most details, let MIL know how much the deposit is and she transferred half the amount. DP asked about other half and MIL assumed my parents were covered the other half. They are not. I said that information would have been useful at the beginning, but she assured us this is how it is in most families. We will work it out, it’s not an argument but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.
Thanks.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 27/07/2023 11:59

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 11:47

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche you sound quite hurt, why are you paying for the wedding? Were you asked or did you just assume you had to?

Not hurt especially - just feeling meh about the whole thing.

I confess that I used to fantasise about looking forwards to being excited about and helping to organise my daughters weddings (we have two daughters).

It just feels like being invited to someone else's wedding and not our daughter's.

We have given significant sums of money for house purchases, home improvements (loft conversion), vehicle purchases and baby equipment/children's shoes and clothing.

We will continue to give support (I also 'mind' 6 grandchildren) wherever we can.

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 12:00

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche maybe it is time for your DC to stand on their own two feet

billy1966 · 27/07/2023 12:01

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 27/07/2023 11:32

He who pays the piper ....

@DelphiniumBlue

This is no longer true according to the MN collective.

I had a thread about my daughter's wedding a while back and I was informed many times that just because we were paying, in full, for the whole 'bash' that we are not allowed any choice/influence in the proceedings. The money is a gift and therefore we need to 'butt out'.

Like the OP we have about a dozen family members invited to our daughter's wedding next year (small family) and her partner has invited over a hundred family and friends - even though there is zero contribution from his parents.

As you said, when I got married my parents paid for my wedding and it was their name on the invites and their choice of guests with input from the groom's parents. Of course I chose my bridesmaids and the dresses but very little else. We (my husband and I) invited a selection of our good friends to the ceremony and wedding breakfast, and more to the evening event. There was no one left out, or anyone there who I didn't want to be there - it was a magical day.

Nowadays, it's none of our business! We seem to have missed out both ways. That is - we weren't the 'drivers' of our own wedding (out of respect to my parents who paid - we were very grateful) or have any input with regards to our daughter's.

My husband is still 'stinging' that our names are not on the invites whilst being tens of thousands poorer.

We're 'involved' by the fact that we know the details as we've been told. We've refrained from interfering. I'm wondering if this is why I don't feel remotely excited about having to organise my 'mother of the bride' outfit. Also starting to feel that I'll only be there for childcare purposes and miss the evening party due to 'minding' the babies. (My daughter keeps asking me who will watch the children in the evening. If that's not a hint, I don't know what is.)

OP - pay for your own wedding. It's less stressful.

Kindly meant but this is hard to believe.

Why on earth have you gone along with this?

What is your daughter like?

Trying to rope you in for childcare on her wedding day?

Why are you paying tens of thousands for someone who appears to treat you poorly?

Your boundaries are very poor.

As for paying for dozens of the grooms side, not a chance would i do it.

No wonder you are not looking forward to it.

You must have promised too much and your future SIL sees you as mugs.

I am nearly 60 and would suggest you spend some money on counselling to establish some boundaries and assertiveness.

I don't agree with the whole parents paying for the wedding at all.

I wouldn't be entertaining it at all.

Old enough to get married?
Old enough to pay IMO.

We paid for ours and although my parents had plenty of money, it simply never came up as we lived abroad.

We booked and paid for everything, including all accommodation for both families.

We named my parents as invitees too.
Until this moment that never even registered.

Both sides invited whom they wanted but at a 130 it was not a large wedding.
We also didn't do afters.

I think the OP should be very wary of her MIL and her offers.

Extremely presumptuous to think the OP's have any intention of being involved with the financing.

OP should decide quickly on what she wants an be very firm.

Too many strings attached to this money.

decaffonlypls · 27/07/2023 12:02

I've been married twice. My first wedding my parents paid 1/3 we paid the rest. As exdh parents believed parents should only pay for dd's.

My second wedding my parents gave me £1500. Dh parents gave what they gave to their dd the previous year £4500. We married on a budget (!) so that pretty much covered it.

Every family is different. You now know your mil is willing to pay 1/2. So figure your budget and plan accordingly.

Snugglemonkey · 27/07/2023 12:03

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 08:13

I think it was a case of no one communicating properly. Mil does expect us to fund who ever I want to invite, she really wants a huge white wedding. Which means I will only have about 15 guests to his side having 80. I am getting a lot of pressure to get a loan or just not invite anyone.

Thanks for all the replies. It’s good to know there isn’t really a usual way to split funds.

I would not allow this. This is your wedding and there should not be such a big disparity. If she wants a huge white wedding, she should pay. Otherwise, it will be a small wedding.

JusthereforXmas · 27/07/2023 12:03

'she assured us this is how it is in most families'

No its not... because most people pay for their OWN wedding now a days.

Even traditionally it was the brides parents that paid (assuming you are the bride as this is majoritively a women heavy forum).

Its pretty shameless to have had your hand out expecting it, even more so to complain the money you got isn't good enough. Time to move your vision in line with your means.

decaffonlypls · 27/07/2023 12:04

Unless of course you are concerned she will take over. In which case don't accept anything.

Cornishclio · 27/07/2023 12:04

They should have discussed that first. My daughter and her husband researched the wedding they wanted after we indicated how much we would pay and I think we ended up paying a third. My mum (so her grandmother) paid a similar amount and they paid the rest. I don't think my son in laws parents could afford anything. It comes down to affordability so really your inlaws should just have said how much they were prepared to pay and leave choosing the venue to you.

I don't think it should just be down to the brides parents to pay the whole amount.

anyolddinosaur · 27/07/2023 12:04

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I strongly recommend that rather than paying for everything you give a cash amount. Then if the groom wishes to invite a disproportionate number of people he can find the money for it.

When weddings were paid for by one side it was usual to set a limit on numbers and to try and roughly match numbers from each side.

spuddel · 27/07/2023 12:06

Mil suggested a place. It’s incredible, we said it’s way out of our price range. She said don’t worry it’s on me. It really sounded like she meant all of it

In that case, I don't blame you for being shocked! I'd assume anyone saying it's on me was they were footing the bill!

Pkhsvd · 27/07/2023 12:07

@Spirallingdownwards where does it say in the OP that her mother in law said she’d pay for it all? They didn’t discuss it in full.

WoolyMammoth55 · 27/07/2023 12:09

RegentCafe · 27/07/2023 07:17

I paid 100% last year - brides mother
his parents gave them some cash for his suit and whatever

50% is not normal

in our circle brides parents pay

amongst their wider friends parents tended to give a donation of differing amounts and couple made up difference

never known grooms parents to pay to all unless hosting at their house

From my POV this is really old fashioned!

When I got married I was an orphan (and no inheritance to use!) so there was no option for "bride's parents to pay" and absolutely no one defaulted to that expectation.

As a couple, me and DH set our budget and made appropriate choices for lovely but affordable venue, numbers we could host, etc.

PIL then kindly offered to pay for the meal and wine so that was much appreciated.

OP, it's odd and a bit of a red flag that you and MIL have been talking about the wedding and venues etc without ever being clear with each other about fundamental expectations. You need to be direct - obviously grateful etc - but clear on what is possible for your parents to contribute and let her decide if she wants to match their payment and downsize the plans, or pay for the lions share of a grander event.

Don't allow there to be any confusion or assumptions or grey areas - that's where people fall out over money! And no wedding is worth that.

Genevieva · 27/07/2023 12:09

Traditionally the bride’s parents host and pay for the wedding reception and the groom pays for the wedding ceremony (fees to the church, for the church choir and organist etc). However, that was on part because this would traditionally be the bride’s parents’ last financial commitment towards their daughter. She would then be supported by her husband and inheritance was largely patrilineal. Today, most marrying couples both work and they are more likely to have considerable say over the wedding venue and guest list. It therefore makes more sense for them to organise the wedding and negotiate contributions from parents to help cover the (often extortionate) costs.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 27/07/2023 12:10

anyolddinosaur · 27/07/2023 12:04

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I strongly recommend that rather than paying for everything you give a cash amount. Then if the groom wishes to invite a disproportionate number of people he can find the money for it.

When weddings were paid for by one side it was usual to set a limit on numbers and to try and roughly match numbers from each side.

We have given a cash amount - they'll have some left over.

It seems that we're between a rock and a hard place. We can't do right for doing wrong.

Those who are baying for 'no strings attached' and those who accuse us of allowing our daughter to walk all over us.

These happy events eh?

Kugela · 27/07/2023 12:10

@User09876543217 have the wedding that you can afford and pay for it yourselves. I think your plan of a small wedding with drinks and cake sound lovely. Tell MIL that you are sticking with your original plan because that’s what you and your STBDH both want and have the budget for.

Silvers11 · 27/07/2023 12:10

JusthereforXmas · 27/07/2023 12:03

'she assured us this is how it is in most families'

No its not... because most people pay for their OWN wedding now a days.

Even traditionally it was the brides parents that paid (assuming you are the bride as this is majoritively a women heavy forum).

Its pretty shameless to have had your hand out expecting it, even more so to complain the money you got isn't good enough. Time to move your vision in line with your means.

Its pretty shameless to have had your hand out expecting it, even more so to complain the money you got isn't good enough. Time to move your vision in line with your means.

Might have been an idea to actually read the OP's posts properly before making a statement that shows you haven't read them at all? 🙄🙄

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/07/2023 12:10

Makegoodchoices · 27/07/2023 11:34

My parents said “we will give you £6k and pay for your dress”. Which was clear and super helpful - covered the venue. They also had some guest requirements that were a bit painful (too many), but didn’t get involved in specific choices about anything. FIL paid for groomsmen’s suit hire. We covered the rest. (Early 2000s)

Re this and quite a few other similar posts...

Why do parents who have 'adult children' getting married, think they've got a right to dictate the guest list/who is coming? Often inviting their own colleagues and extended family members (that the couple have only met a handful of times in their entire life and sometimes haven't seen for half a decade,) and their own neighbours and friends...

I never understand why parents of adult children, think they've got the right to invite who THEY want to said adult child's wedding. Can somebody explain this to me ... because I have never for one second, thought of inviting anyone I know (that my kids don't know) to THEIR wedding, even though we are paying a third towards the wedding.

WTAF? Confused

Franga41 · 27/07/2023 12:17

JusthereforXmas · 27/07/2023 12:03

'she assured us this is how it is in most families'

No its not... because most people pay for their OWN wedding now a days.

Even traditionally it was the brides parents that paid (assuming you are the bride as this is majoritively a women heavy forum).

Its pretty shameless to have had your hand out expecting it, even more so to complain the money you got isn't good enough. Time to move your vision in line with your means.

You need to read the rest of the OP’s posts.

Why are so many posters so quick to be harsh and basically invent the worst possible interpretation without reading what actually happened? They wanted a small wedding that they would pay for, MIL wanted something bigger and insisted they’d pay for it.

2bazookas · 27/07/2023 12:18

We paid for everything ourselves.

It never occurred to either of us to ask or expect parental contributions to wedding, house purchase, anything; and it probbaly never occurred to either set to offer. They'd brought us up to be independent and responsible, and expected no less.

The same for our own kids. They funded their own weddings, car and house purchases etc. Their inlaws did not contribute.

GiddyGladys · 27/07/2023 12:18

A big white wedding would be a nightmare for me. Have the wedding you want.

fuckmyuteruslining · 27/07/2023 12:19

We paid for the majority of dd's wedding. She bought her own dress, groom and his family did suits, honeymoon and photography. We were happy to pay for it all but his parents wanted to contribute so we thought the photographer was a nice sized item and they arranged the whole thing with dd's input. One less job for me!

Genevieva · 27/07/2023 12:20

My in laws wanted to invite all their tennis club friends who my husband had never met, even though they didn’t contribute a penny. It was really odd, given they were sniffy about us marrying in the village church I had attended every week of my childhood. My husband is a brick and brushed them off. We had a rule that we both had to have met all friends who attended. Family is a bit different as we both have relatives overseas, but there is no excuse with friends.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 27/07/2023 12:22

If you want a big wedding, you need to find the money with your family.

This is going to be another lack of reading comprehension thread, isn't it?

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 12:23

@fuckmyuteruslining so did you organise the wedding?

Stokey · 27/07/2023 12:23

My FIL kindly offered to pay for it as we were getting married abroad near his house. My mum was by herself and didn't have much money but paid for my dress and bridesmaids. We would have paid for it ourselves if FIL hadn't offered. He did ask to invite a table of friends who we didn't really know but that was ok. We had plenty of our own friends there and just one table of family and one of his friends (8 including him and his wife).

It definitely sounds like your MIL was misleading @User09876543217