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Original poster

If one side paid for your wedding, did they pay for everyone?

312 replies

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 04:55

Im planning a wedding, my DP is an only child and his parents are very excited and want us to have a huge wedding.

We started looking at places and MIL found an incredible but very expensive place. We agreed on numbers and most details, let MIL know how much the deposit is and she transferred half the amount. DP asked about other half and MIL assumed my parents were covered the other half. They are not. I said that information would have been useful at the beginning, but she assured us this is how it is in most families. We will work it out, it’s not an argument but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.
Thanks.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 27/07/2023 12:25

There is no 'normal'.

There is 'tradition' but this has largely been dropped, not just in regard to, who pays for the wedding.

You need an open, honest discussion with your partner, then his parents.

MIL behaviour is deliberately pass agg. You may need to rethink involvement with her.

GabriellaMontez · 27/07/2023 12:29

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 08:13

I think it was a case of no one communicating properly. Mil does expect us to fund who ever I want to invite, she really wants a huge white wedding. Which means I will only have about 15 guests to his side having 80. I am getting a lot of pressure to get a loan or just not invite anyone.

Thanks for all the replies. It’s good to know there isn’t really a usual way to split funds.

Who is pressuring you to get a loan?

MIL?

If so, I hope your husband to be, is totally on side. Because there is going to be trouble ahead! She clearly doesn't see you as worthy of her precious boy.

Have you planned how you'll manage finances after you're married? Have there been any other financial offers with strings attached?

Cornishclio · 27/07/2023 12:29

Any response from your MIL? I think you did the right thing in turning the offer with strings down.

SerafinasGoose · 27/07/2023 12:32

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 11:47

We got engaged, a few months later we mentioned we found a place to get married. The idea was small wedding with afternoon tea (cake and a few drinks ) and that’s it. Mil suggested a place. It’s incredible, we said it’s way out of our price range. She said don’t worry it’s on me. It really sounded like she meant all of it.

I didn’t ask my parents, I haven’t mentioned any of this to them.

I didn’t realise it would be this stressful, I think we might just elope.

We did, and have never regretted it.

The only people who minded were the in-laws.

Welshmonster · 27/07/2023 12:33

Your wedding and your rules with the guests that you want there. If MIL has made promises then that’s on her to solve not you. Book your wedding and send out invites.

do not let someone else spoil your day

Waitingroompurplecup · 27/07/2023 12:35

Here’s a tip to have the best day of your life.
Pay yourself for what you can afford. Best way to start a marriage and mark independence from dps and pils.
Accept a gift, like wedding dress from dm and the wedding dress shopping trip. Groom can do the same with his dps.
Then, the best bit, invite whoever you want. Ditch the aunts, cousins, etc. you don’t know. Invite the people close to you. The people who make you happy.
Enter your marriage surrounded by the things that give you joy and on your own terms.

ifonly4 · 27/07/2023 12:35

Hopefully, there won't be any fallout. Either way in the long run, you can have the wedding you want.

We had to pay for our wedding as my Dad had his own business and was seriously ill before we married, so in debt. My Mum sold some ornaments to fund my dress and my in-laws paid for our cake. Both sides let us have what we wanted in these regards. We did have some comments about not inviting certain people, but we'd made it fair between us, ie one Auntie/Uncle each, same number of friends. DH had more family as he's one of four, but then I had neighbours and work colleagues in the evening, which he didn't.

1993GoToo · 27/07/2023 12:39

Mil suggested a place. It’s incredible, we said it’s way out of our price range. She said don’t worry it’s on me

If those were her exact words then why on earth does she think your family (or you and your partner) will pay 50%?? You dont go out for a meal with someone who says "it's on me" and then pay half. They pay

SHE wants a big white wedding? Well get her to find a partner and have one.

Thank goodness you realise this early what a strange person she is.

JhsLs · 27/07/2023 12:40

My in-laws paid for exclusive use of our venue which included the whole package: rooms to get ready in, including me and my maid of honour staying in a suite the night before, ceremony, canapes and reception drinks, meal with wine, evening reception room with food. Guests paid for their own rooms on a discount code and bought their own drinks. We paid for photographer, suits, and bridesmaid dresses, rings, decor, hair and make up etc. My dad bought my dress. As in-laws paid for most, we deemed it very fair when they wanted particular, extended members of family invited (many of whom I had never met) and some of their friends.

happywotsit · 27/07/2023 12:41

Do it your way OP. Have the best day. If there is fall out then thats on MIL. If she wants to contribute let her do something towards catering or drinks or the cake. Personally, if your parents want to contribute then the do towards the dress but thats possibly just me.

dont be bogged down by what someone else expects your day to be.

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/07/2023 12:44

1993GoToo · 27/07/2023 12:39

Mil suggested a place. It’s incredible, we said it’s way out of our price range. She said don’t worry it’s on me

If those were her exact words then why on earth does she think your family (or you and your partner) will pay 50%?? You dont go out for a meal with someone who says "it's on me" and then pay half. They pay

SHE wants a big white wedding? Well get her to find a partner and have one.

Thank goodness you realise this early what a strange person she is.

100% this, and that's what I said/asked. Who the fuck demands a massive, extortionately priced wedding, and says 'it's on me' ... and then demands someone else (in this case the OP's parents) pay 50%????? Confused Batshit.

I would tell her the MIL to fuck off tbh. Whether I was the bride, or the bride's mother. She's obviously a twat. I pity the OP marrying into this family. As I said before, I hope her DH always sides with her if her mother starts on her, but I fear this won't be the case. As I said, I pity the OP.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 27/07/2023 12:46

ladyvivienne · 27/07/2023 11:57

My Mum paid £5k, we paid £2k, think PILS paid £500 (if that)

Bride's family pay, did you miss this memo?

If you want a big wedding, you need to find the money with your family.

She’s said multiple times she doesn’t want a big wedding, MIL does. I think if one person wants a small inexpensive wedding and another wants a massive BWW, the person who wants the massive wedding has to pay. If that person also says ‘it’s on me’ in the discussion about the venue, anyone would think she was paying.

Also, the OP and her DP have already told the MIL that if she isn’t paying, the big wedding is off.

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 27/07/2023 12:50

My parents bought my dress / shoes / veil etc, bridesmaid dresses, hair and make-up for all of us and flowers.

No contribution offered (or expected from the other side) they did have to travel. We paid the rest ourselves and we're more than happy to do so x

hippityhophop · 27/07/2023 12:51

Aren't the bride's parents supposed to pay?

Sleepydoor · 27/07/2023 12:51

she really wants a huge white wedding

If you let your future MIL call all the shots and live vicariously through your relationship, just wait until you have kids and she's trying to control everything then.

Even if she's right that the other side pays -- if the your parents agreed to pay or contribute, they'd have to be part of the planning stage from the very beginning and they would have a say over venue and number of guests.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/07/2023 12:52

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

In your shoes at the very least I would call or email all my children to make it very clear that they need to make appropriate arrangements for the care of their children on the day and evening of the wedding. And that you intend to fully enjoy the day as mother of the bride.

Their choice to have kids before a wedding . Let them sort it out.

Floralnomad · 27/07/2023 12:52

If she found the place and said ‘it’s on me’ then I’d have also expected her to pay for it all . We got married in 1989 and my parents paid for it all , it cost about 7k in total. His parents wanted to chip in but wouldn’t just give an amount of money as they wanted to be able to say we paid for x so eventually we agreed they could pay for the cake . I have always had a strained relationship with the in-laws , I took her cake shopping we picked a cake , she paid the deposit . I then went to my mums and told her about the cake and we decided it wasn’t large enough so we changed the order and paid the extra . As far as I know my MIL still has no idea that the cake wasn’t the actual cake .

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/07/2023 12:53

hippityhophop · 27/07/2023 12:51

Aren't the bride's parents supposed to pay?

Yeah... In the 1930s.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 27/07/2023 12:53

JusthereforXmas · 27/07/2023 12:03

'she assured us this is how it is in most families'

No its not... because most people pay for their OWN wedding now a days.

Even traditionally it was the brides parents that paid (assuming you are the bride as this is majoritively a women heavy forum).

Its pretty shameless to have had your hand out expecting it, even more so to complain the money you got isn't good enough. Time to move your vision in line with your means.

Have you actually read any of the updates? MIL picked the venue and when the OP and her partner protested the cost, told them ‘it’s on me’.

They don’t want the big wedding - they were doing it to please the MIL since she was willing to pay for it. Except it turns out she was planning to insist either the OP’s parents pay or the OP go into debt by taking out a loan to cover half the costs.

That’s not ‘having your hand out’, that’s being taken advantage of.

You also appear to have missed that MIL has been told ‘no, thank-you’ and the OP and her partner have returned the money and reverted to a small wedding. Pretty much the opposite of ‘having your hand out’, I would say.

orangeyeahthatsright · 27/07/2023 12:53

hippityhophop · 27/07/2023 12:51

Aren't the bride's parents supposed to pay?

Define 'supposed to'?

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 12:54

@hippityhophop only if you view the bride as the father’s property who he is then gifting to the husband

DottyLottieLou · 27/07/2023 12:54

My daughter and her husband paid for and organised it themselves. Both sets of parents gave them what they could.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 27/07/2023 12:56

Pkhsvd · 27/07/2023 12:07

@Spirallingdownwards where does it say in the OP that her mother in law said she’d pay for it all? They didn’t discuss it in full.

In the update where the OP said the MIL picked the venue, told them about it and when they said it was far too expensive, said “it’s on me”.

Laiste · 27/07/2023 12:56

Do it OP.

Threaten to elope and see how fast MIL backs off.

(worked for us)

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/07/2023 12:58

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 04:55

Im planning a wedding, my DP is an only child and his parents are very excited and want us to have a huge wedding.

We started looking at places and MIL found an incredible but very expensive place. We agreed on numbers and most details, let MIL know how much the deposit is and she transferred half the amount. DP asked about other half and MIL assumed my parents were covered the other half. They are not. I said that information would have been useful at the beginning, but she assured us this is how it is in most families. We will work it out, it’s not an argument but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.
Thanks.

Dear MIL

Thank you for your very kind financial support for our wedding day. However, we have decided to return it to you and I hope you will not be offended by this. We both/I think we got a bit carried away in the excitement of the engagement and on balance we would prefer to stick with our original plans and budget.
Accordingly we have booked x for date y for approx z people, (fait accompli is often a useful tactic here)
All the best Son and DIL