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Original poster

If one side paid for your wedding, did they pay for everyone?

312 replies

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 04:55

Im planning a wedding, my DP is an only child and his parents are very excited and want us to have a huge wedding.

We started looking at places and MIL found an incredible but very expensive place. We agreed on numbers and most details, let MIL know how much the deposit is and she transferred half the amount. DP asked about other half and MIL assumed my parents were covered the other half. They are not. I said that information would have been useful at the beginning, but she assured us this is how it is in most families. We will work it out, it’s not an argument but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.
Thanks.

OP posts:
seemslikeeveryoneismad · 27/07/2023 11:37

Well, we all want to know how MIL has taken this knock back! She may bide her time and then start working on getting some of her wishes inserted into the arrangements so you need to be pro active in finding your own venue for your budget, work out the guest list etc. Present it to PIL as a 'fait accompli' and they can offer to contribute or not. If MIL was willing to pay half of a fancy place maybe she'll be happy to pay most of a less swanky venue.

Ep1cfail · 27/07/2023 11:37

My parents gage us £1000. My uncle gifted me £2500 but it wasn't towards a wedding it was meant to buy me a piece of jewellery and i asked if i could putnit towards a wedding instead. We paid the rest.

I wouldn't accept any money that comes with strings. Have the wedding you want. Not the one your inlaws envisaged. Honestly, it's better to get married at the registry office in a bin bag than have someone else call the shots.

spuddel · 27/07/2023 11:42

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 27/07/2023 11:32

He who pays the piper ....

@DelphiniumBlue

This is no longer true according to the MN collective.

I had a thread about my daughter's wedding a while back and I was informed many times that just because we were paying, in full, for the whole 'bash' that we are not allowed any choice/influence in the proceedings. The money is a gift and therefore we need to 'butt out'.

Like the OP we have about a dozen family members invited to our daughter's wedding next year (small family) and her partner has invited over a hundred family and friends - even though there is zero contribution from his parents.

As you said, when I got married my parents paid for my wedding and it was their name on the invites and their choice of guests with input from the groom's parents. Of course I chose my bridesmaids and the dresses but very little else. We (my husband and I) invited a selection of our good friends to the ceremony and wedding breakfast, and more to the evening event. There was no one left out, or anyone there who I didn't want to be there - it was a magical day.

Nowadays, it's none of our business! We seem to have missed out both ways. That is - we weren't the 'drivers' of our own wedding (out of respect to my parents who paid - we were very grateful) or have any input with regards to our daughter's.

My husband is still 'stinging' that our names are not on the invites whilst being tens of thousands poorer.

We're 'involved' by the fact that we know the details as we've been told. We've refrained from interfering. I'm wondering if this is why I don't feel remotely excited about having to organise my 'mother of the bride' outfit. Also starting to feel that I'll only be there for childcare purposes and miss the evening party due to 'minding' the babies. (My daughter keeps asking me who will watch the children in the evening. If that's not a hint, I don't know what is.)

OP - pay for your own wedding. It's less stressful.

I actually really feel for you and your dh here. Weddings have become an absurd, ostentatious show of gaudy excess far beyond most people's actual reality and it's depressing that the couple marrying seem to want other people to pay for it and butt out. If it's a family affair (funding it) surely it's only right the family get involved in some capacity? We planned our wedding (registry/free bar in an inexpensive restaurant/dj) according to what we had cash in bank. 22 years ago it cost £2000 which was nothing and my parents insisted on paying it (night before wedding) and would have even if it was thousands more. The key point though is we planned what we could afford and what we wanted. Any contributions later were an unexpected and welcome bonus, not the expectation.

ZenNudist · 27/07/2023 11:42

My ILs offered us about £20k which quickly became apparent came with strings as MIL had a particular kind of wedding in mind and DH and I didn't want a big wedding plus we had the idea to get married abroad which FIL didn't fancy.

It was very generous and we didn't fall out about it. We just said no thanks and paid for wedding our way. MIL still invited a few people we didn't want and there were more of "DH" guests than mine.

It certainly showed me that although i was marrying someone I'd known for a very long time, the wedding definitely caused problems with the ILs, as did having DC. It marked the points at which they thought they could tell me what to do and they found I had boundaries not previously enforced. I think it's just like that with overbearing people.

Your ILs are being rude though expecting your parents to stump up. Etiquette dictates that beide and groom side be kept equal and there's no pressure on either parents to pay. The main rule is still that the bride is in charge!!!!!

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 27/07/2023 11:43

@Ep1cfail

Calling the shots and having some input are completely different things - especially when parents are paying.

If people don't want strings that's perfectly acceptable when the couple getting wed pay for the whole thing themselves.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2023 11:43

My mum and stepdad were going to pay for the entire wedding. Fil insisted on paying half. This was 25 years ago though. They had good ideas for the wedding and invited a few friends. We had about 110 people in the end from both families and friends.

Campervangirl · 27/07/2023 11:43

Glad to read you stuck to your guns.
It's a bit off for mil to expect your DP's to pay half without discussion and to expect a big wedding where you only get 15 guests.
I paid half for my dds wedding, she and her now DH paid the other half, his DP's bought champagne for the top table, which was considerably less than I paid but still all good because I had the money to pay half.
I also didn't invite one person because it wasn't my wedding, they invited all our family members and their friends
Have a look at wedding packages at local hotels, not the big expensive ones but like the Hilton group, they put on a good do, you can pay a deposit and pay it off bit by bit.

lavagal · 27/07/2023 11:43

Forget what MIL wants - if they are contributing half, the half u are left to pay sounds like it will cost more than the smaller wedding you actually wanted

Time to put your foot down and plan the wedding YOU want

lavagal · 27/07/2023 11:45

Sorry just read you already did that. Well done honestly weddings turn some family members a bit crazy!

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 11:47

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche you sound quite hurt, why are you paying for the wedding? Were you asked or did you just assume you had to?

Original poster
User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 11:47

We got engaged, a few months later we mentioned we found a place to get married. The idea was small wedding with afternoon tea (cake and a few drinks ) and that’s it. Mil suggested a place. It’s incredible, we said it’s way out of our price range. She said don’t worry it’s on me. It really sounded like she meant all of it.

I didn’t ask my parents, I haven’t mentioned any of this to them.

I didn’t realise it would be this stressful, I think we might just elope.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 27/07/2023 11:49

We married in 1985 and my DP paid for our wedding. The budget was £1000 and they paid for my dress over and above that. DHs family are much, much better off than my DP but paid for the flowers only. This seemed fine at the time as, for very specific reasons, DHs sister and her OH got married a few days before us and my PIL paid for a lavish dinner for us all to
celebrate this. DH and I paid for nothing as we were fresh out of uni in low paid jobs!

GettingStuffed · 27/07/2023 11:51

We split the cost 3 ways, both parents and ourselves. I can't remember who paid what though. MiL made our cake, it was gorgeous.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 27/07/2023 11:52

RosesAndHellebores · 27/07/2023 07:47

To add, neither wedding was ott. Ours in 1991 cost £7750, all in. DS and DIL's was about £25k. We paid £10k. We expected to be able to invite: three grandparents, 4 aunts and uncles, ds's godparents and partners (6) who have been close to ds and us for nigh on 40 years.

Your idea of OTT and mine are obviously very different!

My wedding, also in 1991 cost around £700 all in. If my DD said she wanted to spend £25000 on her wedding, I’d wonder what she was on!

empee47 · 27/07/2023 11:53

I would really urge you to go for the sort of wedding you want, rather than what your parents or in laws want, and pay for it yourselves if you can. We got married 12 years ago and my parents paid a hefty sum towards it but then controlled the venue, the caterer, the photographer etc, even telling me that the photographer I wanted was fully booked (which turned out to be a lie) so that she could use a friend of a friend. Perhaps not all parents are as controlling but mine certainly were.

TenderDandelions · 27/07/2023 11:53

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 08:13

I think it was a case of no one communicating properly. Mil does expect us to fund who ever I want to invite, she really wants a huge white wedding. Which means I will only have about 15 guests to his side having 80. I am getting a lot of pressure to get a loan or just not invite anyone.

Thanks for all the replies. It’s good to know there isn’t really a usual way to split funds.

If MIL wants you to have a wedding bigger than you actually want or can afford, she's got two choices:

  • stump up the extra dosh herself; or
  • butt out of it and let you have the wedding you want/can afford.

When we got married we (and by we, I mean mostly DH) paid for it. I contributed about £5k and my DP paid for specific bits, like my dress and our cake.

My DP couldn't afford any more and I wouldn't ever have expected them to. DH's DPs are traditional and paid for my SIL's wedding, but only gave us a small amount of money (in comparison). I'm not complaining about either of these points. It was our wedding and our choice to pay.

The best bit about not getting money from our families meant that we weren't beholden to anyone for any of our choices. My SIL had to invite loads of their parents' friends to the wedding that they barely knew, but because her parents were paying for it, felt like they had no say in it.

Tinyplant · 27/07/2023 11:53

Your MIL sounds awful.

Of course if she suggested the venue herself and said “don’t worry it’s on me”, you would expect her to pay the whole thing.

I would just be upfront with her.

Make sure you have the wedding YOU want, not what she wants.

If she is disappointed then tough.

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 11:54

@User09876543217 go with your original plan (sounds like my wedding!).

The way your MIL worded it sounds like she was offering to pay for it all

Maddy70 · 27/07/2023 11:54

Traditionally the bride's family pay for it all. However that's so outdated and couples bow normally pay for it themselves

Go for somewhere cheaper

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 27/07/2023 11:55

I didn’t realise it would be this stressful, I think we might just elope.

it's stressful because your mil has made it stressful. You need to elope so you 1. Have the small wedding you want. 2. Teach your mil a valuable lesson that she has no say in yours and your fiancé's lives.
Youare going to have a very difficult marriage if you continue to pander to this woman. You need rock solid boundaries or it will not work.
In your shoes I would book a week in Vegas 😊

TenderDandelions · 27/07/2023 11:56

Repeat to yourself - "this is OUR wedding, not MIL's wedding".

If she wants a big fancy affair she can renew her own vows, but it is not her wedding. It's yours.

Glad your STBDH is on your side - he sounds like a keeper!

ladyvivienne · 27/07/2023 11:57

My Mum paid £5k, we paid £2k, think PILS paid £500 (if that)

Bride's family pay, did you miss this memo?

If you want a big wedding, you need to find the money with your family.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 27/07/2023 11:57

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche just cut your losses. Refuse to pay and your ‘D’D will either have to fund it herself or cut her cloth accordingly. It’s ridiculous the way you are being treated and time to put your foot down.

@User09876543217 you don’t need to elope, just say no thank you to the PILs and stick with your original plan, which sounds lovely.

anyolddinosaur · 27/07/2023 11:58

Our child wanted a fancy wedding. We decided an amount we were prepared to pay (generous), gave them that and what they spent it on was their choice. The had to invite one friend of ours, for various reasons they should (and probably would) have done so anyway. I wish we had put one more strings on it, for the sake of perhaps £150 they really annoyed me.

Plan your wedding however you want but bear in mind that if you dont involve the people who largely paid for it you wont be getting anniversary presents.

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 11:59

@User09876543217 there is another thread on here at the moment about a poster wanting a very quiet wedding with no evening do and meal in local pub. Pretty much everyone on there is telling her go for it, so much nicer for a guest than a big fancy wedding going on for hours! Maybe show that to your MIL