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Original poster

Friend getting married overseas. No kids at the wedding

126 replies

Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 13:08

Hi all.
We have good friends who are getting married in Denmark in the spring.

The groom has 3 teen kids from a previous marriage, the bride doesn't have kids.

She told us about the wedding 3 months in advance and we went over our travel plans with her so we would make it for the whole 3 day event. We will have to catch a flight, two trains and a two hour bus to get to the hotel.

We booked everything as quickly as possible, as being short notice, meant everything was super $

Today, a month after having booked everything and only because I asked what time the wedding would take place to try to decide what to do with our 5 year old son's bedtime, she tells me the wedding is kids free.

I'm left feeling really upset, not that they won't have kids at the wedding, but that she didn't tell me until after I'd booked flights and trains.

We cannot leave our child at home because we are expats & have no family in the country we live in. We also have nowhere to leave him in Denmark. She knows all this.

On top of all this the wedding is a whole day affair from noon till 4am. She has offered to help find us a nanny, but I doubt my son would stay with someone he doesn't know alone for 8 hours until it's his bedtime.

What should I do? The tickets we booked are book refundable...

OP posts:
IglesiasPiggl · 04/02/2023 13:10

Either all take the trip but only you or DH attend the wedding, or just one of you go on the trip.

PrinceHaz · 04/02/2023 13:12

I would be furious that she told you this really important info after the booking. I would cancel and not go in your shoes.

Theunamedcat · 04/02/2023 13:12

Can you not sell them on for a small loss? I would be seriously pussed thst this is the first your hearing its child free

Gymmum82 · 04/02/2023 13:14

Tell her he comes or you don’t. If she says you can’t come then go and enjoy a nice holiday in Denmark.
She’s not a friend if she lets you book an expensive trip for her wedding and doesn’t tell you before you book that you can’t bring your child

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/02/2023 13:15

Go to Denmark, have a lovely three days and skip her bloody wedding! It's so rude that she didn't tell you before.

DangerNoodles · 04/02/2023 13:15

All of you go on the trip as it was so expensive. Are there things going on across the whole 3 days? In which case you and DH can alternate babysitting and attending.

If your friends get annoyed that only one of you can go, then they will just have to sick it up.

LimeCheesecake · 04/02/2023 13:16

Are any parts of it refundable? Like the hotel and trains? I’d be tempted to take it as a family mini break to Denmark but stay somewhere cheaper / closer to where you can fly to so you don’t have the extra costs.

DangerNoodles · 04/02/2023 13:16

Oh and if they do get arsey, just go and skip the wedding entirely!

Saschka · 04/02/2023 13:16

Sack off the wedding and go to Legoland/Copenhagen. Yes you will lose money on trains, but at least you will still get a nice break out of it.

Taking turns to sit in the hotel room babysitting for three days would be absolutely shit for all three of you. Does she understand your five year old is a person, and can’t just be put in the cupboard when you aren’t using him? He can’t sit in a hotel room for three days while you two are at a wedding, completely unreasonable. What is he meant to eat? What is he meant to do all day? Mine would be bouncing off the walls half way through day 1.

MargaritaRita · 04/02/2023 13:16

Not to flame the fires, but honestly the first thing I would have done on receiving the formal invite (you did get one I assume?) is to check about my child/children as guests/ok to go etc.

I never assume anything when it comes to weddings.

Is there a possibility you could get a sitter for a few hours, attend the ceremony and mingle a bit and then head off with kid somewhere? Either that or just you or DH attend.

Don't fret on it, the bride won't care really, too many other things to think about there, so just do what you instinctively think is best for your little family.

GreenLeavesRustling · 04/02/2023 13:18

Yep, go but skip the wedding or just go for a very small part, leaving DH with dc

Abraxan · 04/02/2023 13:18

Did she know you'd booked flights, etc for your child too, and not say anything about it?

pizzaHeart · 04/02/2023 13:22

She knew that you have a child and she didn’t mention it? Tbh I wouldn’t go to her wedding as a matter of principle. However to be polite and a good friend I would offer her a choice : all of you go to the wedding including your child or unfortunately none of you would go to her wedding as it’s not possible. Be polite and don’t forget to say that SHE didn’t mention it at the time of the booking so it’s her problem now.
Tbh I would prefer to have family mini break in Denmark

drpet49 · 04/02/2023 13:24

Gymmum82 · 04/02/2023 13:14

Tell her he comes or you don’t. If she says you can’t come then go and enjoy a nice holiday in Denmark.
She’s not a friend if she lets you book an expensive trip for her wedding and doesn’t tell you before you book that you can’t bring your child

This. Very devious of her. I’d be reconsidering the friendship.

TidyDancer · 04/02/2023 13:26

If this really didn't come up at any point before it sounds like she's deliberately withheld this detail so it's less likely people back out because of it. Which means she must realise it's poor behaviour.

What did the invitation say?

I wouldn't go but if you will lose a lot of money then go but turn it into a holiday without attending the wedding.

Sleepless1096 · 04/02/2023 13:37

I'd go but skip most of the wedding and do fun holiday stuff instead.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/02/2023 13:38

Go on the trip and skip the wedding.
She's no friend to trick you into doing all that..

Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 16:26

I am really upset to be honest. I don't think she understands why, which is strange because she's going to be a stepmum to 3 girls-albeit older.
I'm also thinking we cancel & cut our losses. We can cancel the hotel & at least we save a few hundred quid on gifts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 16:29

Yeah that's the other thing, it's a long of trouble to actually get there to then try to 'store' our son somewhere for three days.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 04/02/2023 16:37

Was his name on the invitation? Surely she sent an invite with either your son's name or not? Very poor communication from bride if invite wasn't clear.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 04/02/2023 16:41

Omg you have dodged a bullet. Danish weddings are so dull I usually end up wanting to scratch my eyes out. Including my own.

Where are you flying to? Can I help you plan a lovely mini break?

ShandaLear · 04/02/2023 16:43

‘Hi Sarah, we can’t get a sitter for Charlie, so regrettably we’ll have to cancel. Have a great day and looking forward to seeing the photos.’ Job done.

FluffyHamster · 04/02/2023 16:45

Your 'friend' is completely in the wrong here, but it may be that she is completely clueless about the practicalities of childcare arrangements - it's not as simple as leaving your son with someone, or somewhere!

We had a 'no children' policy for our wedding (space/ cost reasons) and friends of DH's who came from abroad brought theirs, and we made an exception. The only problem we had was that they were over for a holiday at the same time and presumably had limited luggage, and the kids arrived at the wedding wearing bright yellow and orange cagoules, then proceeded to push to the front and photobomb every bloody photo!
Another friend had a newborn and was breastfeeding, so brought her baby DS, with the promise that she'd leave the service if he started to cry. He did, and she didn't, and she was also about 2 metres away from the video camera, so that was a pain too!

TL:DR - if you MUST take a child to a child-free wedding, at least make sure they don't ruin it!

Luxembourgmama · 04/02/2023 16:47

It was hugely unreasonable to tell you after you booked.

SnoozyVanWinkle · 04/02/2023 16:52

If you can cancel the hotel and get your money back then I'd do that and go on the flights (if they aren't refundable) and go on a mini break somewhere that isn't a two hour train journey from the airport. And of course tell her you can't come to her wedding.

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