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Original poster

Friend getting married overseas. No kids at the wedding

126 replies

Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 13:08

Hi all.
We have good friends who are getting married in Denmark in the spring.

The groom has 3 teen kids from a previous marriage, the bride doesn't have kids.

She told us about the wedding 3 months in advance and we went over our travel plans with her so we would make it for the whole 3 day event. We will have to catch a flight, two trains and a two hour bus to get to the hotel.

We booked everything as quickly as possible, as being short notice, meant everything was super $

Today, a month after having booked everything and only because I asked what time the wedding would take place to try to decide what to do with our 5 year old son's bedtime, she tells me the wedding is kids free.

I'm left feeling really upset, not that they won't have kids at the wedding, but that she didn't tell me until after I'd booked flights and trains.

We cannot leave our child at home because we are expats & have no family in the country we live in. We also have nowhere to leave him in Denmark. She knows all this.

On top of all this the wedding is a whole day affair from noon till 4am. She has offered to help find us a nanny, but I doubt my son would stay with someone he doesn't know alone for 8 hours until it's his bedtime.

What should I do? The tickets we booked are book refundable...

OP posts:
LIZS · 04/02/2023 18:47

Your message implies you can go along with her plans, but you clearly can't!

You need to be more assertive about how awkward you now feel having spent money on three air tickets but finding your dc is not being accommodated. If you are relying on public transport presumably that limits your options too. Are you due to stay at the venue?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/02/2023 18:50

If she won't let you take your son to the wedding then swerve the wedding and have a nice family holiday over there.

She was well aware you had a child so the invite should have EXPRESSLY stated no children.

Stiltonlover · 04/02/2023 18:52

These threads always baffle me.

How is it possible you get to the point of booking without checking who exactly is invited?

How is it possible she invites you to a child free wedding without making that clear on her (WhatsApp?!) invitation?

Bizarre on both sides.

Blessedwithsunshine · 04/02/2023 18:54

This is not your fault op.

Of course she should have been very clear with you re children from the beginning.

cancel!!!! And tell her why.

EnterChasedByAMemory · 04/02/2023 18:57

TidyDancer · 04/02/2023 13:26

If this really didn't come up at any point before it sounds like she's deliberately withheld this detail so it's less likely people back out because of it. Which means she must realise it's poor behaviour.

What did the invitation say?

I wouldn't go but if you will lose a lot of money then go but turn it into a holiday without attending the wedding.

Makes me wonder how many other invitees are in a similar situation. Agreed, just go for the holiday.

Toosensitiv · 04/02/2023 19:09

I'm all for child free weddings - but that's shocking behaviour from your friend. You make it clear on the invite!

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 04/02/2023 19:11

@Smashee23
Just tell her he's coming because of all the reasons you've stated and if she gets arsey just go anyway and have a nice mini break and don't bother with her wedding

Some people are just so selfish!!!

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 04/02/2023 19:20

I haven't read all the comment, sorry, cba. But if you decided to attend a wedding abroad, before deciding, first thing you would do is about your kids, if they are small?
So, if you never asked, and she never said until you asked, I really don't think she is being unreasonable.
Now you know, and either you find the way, or decide to not go.

Thighlengthboots · 04/02/2023 19:27

Passerillage · 04/02/2023 18:37

Honestly? I'd just get a babysitter. How difficult can it be to get - with your friend's help - a fun sitter to take him for the day, put him to bed and sleep over? It's a long day, so it could be that you take a break from the wedding (to give her an hour off?) to put your son to bed and do stories, and then rejoin the party and the babysitter takes over again, or babysitter no. 2 does.

This is an unexpected situation for you, but not exactly catastrophic, unless (I haven't read the whole thread) your son has special needs and is unlikely to be able to cope with a babysitter.

Its not about it being "difficult" its about the fact that you're in a different country, you dont speak the language and not everyone is comfortable leaving their young child with a stranger they dont really know properly- do sitters there have DBS checks, how are they vetted etc etc... I would not feel comfortable with this in a million years and neither would most people I know....

Knnniggets · 04/02/2023 19:29

My friend invited me to a childfree wedding in L.A. and was slightly put out when I said there’s really no way I can come. I think people without kids think it’s kind of akin to leaving a dog at doggy daycare. Or something. It was weird.

Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 19:51

Exactly. That's not an option. My child is very shy to begin with. I would spend the whole day stressing.

I personally have no problem with childfree weddings. I would just like it to be clear from the start.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 19:53

We spoke in depth about my son joining us on the trip. From which train to catch so it would be shorter, to what time the wedding went until so we could have a room closer to the ballroom where the reception would be.
She definitely knew he was coming. She just doesn't want him at the actual wedding, but never said so until today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 19:59

That was the final message in a conversation. First she said no kids at all, then she said kids for the first part (apparently there are two parts to the wedding with a 90 minute break between), but when I pressed her on it, she stopped replying.
So I'm asking for clarification on if/when exactly our son can attend so I can make an informed decision. That's why I'm asking get to clear things up.
There's nothing else around there so we would have to stay at the venue.
I spoke to the venue today and we can cancel, so at least we can get that money back. Flights are non refundable unfortunately.

OP posts:
grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 04/02/2023 20:01

She just doesn't want him at the actual wedding, but never said so until today.

So she clearly doesn't care? What is stopping you to tell her it doesn't work for you then?

Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 20:04

She knew he was coming. We have discussed the ins and outs of our trip.
Where did she think I could leave him for the actual wedding? In a foreign country where he doesn't know anyone.

OP posts:
Sleepless1096 · 04/02/2023 20:05

I'd be tempted to ask her to check with the hotel - does the cloakroom accept unaccompanied children?

Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 20:09

Nothing, to be honest.
Just wanted to give her a chance to reply or set things right. I'm not a rash person.
I was trying to put myself into her shoes as a first time bride.
If we do go to Denmark, but don't go to the wedding, that's probably the end of the friendship. The other non Dane guests are my best friend and her boyfriend, so I'm not gonna lie and say we're not going to go at all.

But if she doesn't set things right, then obviously I'm going to tell her we're not going & spend the hotel and gift money on something else.

OP posts:
WestOfWestminster · 04/02/2023 20:20

I know you said the flights are non refundable but are you allowed to change the dates or destination? Just wondering if you can turn it into a holiday for somewhere else?

Sarahcoggles · 04/02/2023 20:20

Passerillage · 04/02/2023 18:37

Honestly? I'd just get a babysitter. How difficult can it be to get - with your friend's help - a fun sitter to take him for the day, put him to bed and sleep over? It's a long day, so it could be that you take a break from the wedding (to give her an hour off?) to put your son to bed and do stories, and then rejoin the party and the babysitter takes over again, or babysitter no. 2 does.

This is an unexpected situation for you, but not exactly catastrophic, unless (I haven't read the whole thread) your son has special needs and is unlikely to be able to cope with a babysitter.

I don't think I've ever met a 5 year old who'd tolerate being left with a complete stranger who didn't speak his language for 8 hours!!

Sarahcoggles · 04/02/2023 20:24

@Passerillage I've just re-read your post and I'm stunned. Either you don't have kids or you've forgotten what 5 year olds are like, or you had the most freakishly complaint kids ever.

Babysitter number 2 ??? So you're suggesting not one, but TWO unknown babysitters who don't speak the language looking after this poor child? And unless he has special needs, you think he would be fine with this?

Holy shit

LadyJ2023 · 04/02/2023 20:24

I wouldn't have paid the extra pounds it being such short notice anyhow But if anyone asked me to.leave my children I wouldn't go sorry that's my family

mrsbitaly · 04/02/2023 20:30

I absolutely wouldn't get a nanny from a foreign country that I didn't get to know in advance to look after my child. You were right to assume children were welcome as most people would make this very clear when inviting guests. I wouldn't go to the wedding but I would definitely have a break away with your family

SunshineAndFizz · 04/02/2023 20:36

That would be a hard pass from me.

postitpatty · 04/02/2023 20:39

Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 18:15

I haven't directly asked her, but I did send her the below message, to which there hasn't been a reply 👇

Hey hon,

I have no problem with there not being kids at the wedding, it's your wedding and you can choose how you want it and what's best for you 🙃

I would just like to be clear on everything so that we can also decide what we need to do that's best for us

Thank you 🙏🏻🌷

I was with you until this 🤦‍♀️

Awfully message, what is it even asking? The upside smiley I always take as a sort of snide smile not a smile type emoji.

You need to be straight and just say ;

"I'm sorry we had crossed wires, we assumed DS was invited but understand we should have clarified before booking all the travel. Unfortunately we won't be able to attend as obviously we have a child! Have a fabulous wedding, looking forward to seeing the photos, I know you'll be a beautiful bride x"

Catsstillrock · 04/02/2023 20:41

@SunshineAndFizz we went to a wedding in Venice once. International couple (American / Asian, met in London).

several of his college friends flew in from the USA.

AT THE DOOR OF THE CEREMONY I saw an ussher refuse entry to one American couple who led flown from in New York the night before, as were arriving for the wedding with their one year old.

the wife who was in a formal dress and heels walked him around in the buggy outside until it was over.

we didn’t have kids then but I thought that was unbelievably rude.

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