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Original poster

Friend getting married overseas. No kids at the wedding

126 replies

Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 13:08

Hi all.
We have good friends who are getting married in Denmark in the spring.

The groom has 3 teen kids from a previous marriage, the bride doesn't have kids.

She told us about the wedding 3 months in advance and we went over our travel plans with her so we would make it for the whole 3 day event. We will have to catch a flight, two trains and a two hour bus to get to the hotel.

We booked everything as quickly as possible, as being short notice, meant everything was super $

Today, a month after having booked everything and only because I asked what time the wedding would take place to try to decide what to do with our 5 year old son's bedtime, she tells me the wedding is kids free.

I'm left feeling really upset, not that they won't have kids at the wedding, but that she didn't tell me until after I'd booked flights and trains.

We cannot leave our child at home because we are expats & have no family in the country we live in. We also have nowhere to leave him in Denmark. She knows all this.

On top of all this the wedding is a whole day affair from noon till 4am. She has offered to help find us a nanny, but I doubt my son would stay with someone he doesn't know alone for 8 hours until it's his bedtime.

What should I do? The tickets we booked are book refundable...

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 04/02/2023 18:13

She's been very rude by not telling you.

If you like the location then I'd swerve the wedding and have a family break

Ponderingwindow · 04/02/2023 18:15

If you are out the money anyway, I would skip the wedding and take a family holiday.

I would not leave my child in a hotel room with a stranger. Even if your child has a personality to be fine with it, the risk is too high

Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 18:15

I haven't directly asked her, but I did send her the below message, to which there hasn't been a reply 👇

Hey hon,

I have no problem with there not being kids at the wedding, it's your wedding and you can choose how you want it and what's best for you 🙃

I would just like to be clear on everything so that we can also decide what we need to do that's best for us

Thank you 🙏🏻🌷

OP posts:
Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 18:16

Arghhh as if! Go halfway across the world to leave your kid with a complete stranger.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 18:17

I would be livid if you can’t get all the money back.

If you can’t then just go and do daytime shifts, and take her up on her offer of finding an evening babysitter.

She’s a fuckwit but no point making a drama out of a crisis

Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 18:18

We've only met the groom twice. We've known the bride for 12 years and she was at our wedding.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 18:18

.. and when I say shifts, I would between you put in some appearance for the good bits. But also take some family time.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/02/2023 18:19

I'd be fuming, I'd have to ask why she'd only mentioned this after the bookings had been made?
I'd also make sure the groom knows what a cow his fiancee is.
I can't imagine how she thinks you will leave your son with a stranger you've never met in a foreign country, or how they can expect that you will remain friends after letting you spend so much money before mentioning that wedding is childfree, KNOWING that you have already booked for your son.

Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 18:22

I agree. What if something happens to him?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 04/02/2023 18:22

Agreeing with the fly into wherever you arr going and then holiday there. Hopefully near Legoland!

DelphiniumBlue · 04/02/2023 18:23

Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 18:15

I haven't directly asked her, but I did send her the below message, to which there hasn't been a reply 👇

Hey hon,

I have no problem with there not being kids at the wedding, it's your wedding and you can choose how you want it and what's best for you 🙃

I would just like to be clear on everything so that we can also decide what we need to do that's best for us

Thank you 🙏🏻🌷

Sorry, I have to say that your message is really limp and indirect. If that is an example of your usual communication with her, then I'm not surprised that this mess has occurred. Why haven't you said that you are really cross that she let you incur all these costs without mentioning that DS can't come to the wedding?

DemonHost · 04/02/2023 18:23

I would not go and I would send her a bill for the costs you have incurred.

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/02/2023 18:24

Goodness! What an impossible to imagine scenario.

Swimswam · 04/02/2023 18:24

Go as a family. One of you attends the wedding. The other explores with your DC
Id be really cross. If I could get my money back I would

Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 18:27

Yeah I really don't know what to make of it as she is not a devious or malicious person. That's the strangest part for me. She's actually a kind person.
I just have to assume that she genuinely doesn't know much about small children.
Doesn't ameliorate our situation though.
She definitely knew when we were booking. I asked her which stations to get off at, told her after we'd booked our flights and so on.

OP posts:
LolaMoon · 04/02/2023 18:28

DelphiniumBlue · 04/02/2023 18:23

Sorry, I have to say that your message is really limp and indirect. If that is an example of your usual communication with her, then I'm not surprised that this mess has occurred. Why haven't you said that you are really cross that she let you incur all these costs without mentioning that DS can't come to the wedding?

Show quote history

I agree. You need to be assertive here, not grovelling to her as if she's the bloody Queen. Tell her firmly that you are upset at whats she's done- if you are like this with her usually, its no wonder she tramples all over your boundaries. She knows you wont make a peep and will just take any shit she gives out.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 04/02/2023 18:30

I have no idea what you're saying in your message to her though- does it require a response?

Is she Irish? I feel here the standard is kids aren't invited unless specified.

Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 18:30

Fair enough.
Because before jumping down her throat I wanted to give her a chance to explain. Just in case I had jumped to conclusions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 18:33

There were other messages beforehand where I asked about the nanny, ages of other kids and told her that due to the fact that our son will be in a new country with a different language, where he only knows us, he won't stay with a stranger.
And then I sent the above message.
Haven't had a reply to any of the messages.

OP posts:
Puppyseahorse · 04/02/2023 18:35

I think people without kids think it’s a lot easier than it is to leave a child with a babysitter. We’ve been invited to a similar style wedding this summer, which is at a vineyard 12-midnight one hour away from the nearest town with hotels, and been told ‘we’ll help you arrange a babysitter.’ it hasn’t occurred to them that it’s infeasible to leave a small child with someone they don’t know, who doesn’t know them and their routine, etc etc, for 12 hours. and tbh, if someone doesn’t have kids, why would they know this?

groom should take some responsibility for that decision, since he’s a dad.

Passerillage · 04/02/2023 18:37

Honestly? I'd just get a babysitter. How difficult can it be to get - with your friend's help - a fun sitter to take him for the day, put him to bed and sleep over? It's a long day, so it could be that you take a break from the wedding (to give her an hour off?) to put your son to bed and do stories, and then rejoin the party and the babysitter takes over again, or babysitter no. 2 does.

This is an unexpected situation for you, but not exactly catastrophic, unless (I haven't read the whole thread) your son has special needs and is unlikely to be able to cope with a babysitter.

Puppyseahorse · 04/02/2023 18:38

I’m confused by your message to her. What information do you need?

Passerillage · 04/02/2023 18:40

I forgot to ask (as you mention you are expats) - does your son speak English? An English-speaking nanny would be less tricky to find in Denmark than, say, a Cantonese-speaking nanny, for instance.

Twizbe · 04/02/2023 18:41

Passerillage · 04/02/2023 18:37

Honestly? I'd just get a babysitter. How difficult can it be to get - with your friend's help - a fun sitter to take him for the day, put him to bed and sleep over? It's a long day, so it could be that you take a break from the wedding (to give her an hour off?) to put your son to bed and do stories, and then rejoin the party and the babysitter takes over again, or babysitter no. 2 does.

This is an unexpected situation for you, but not exactly catastrophic, unless (I haven't read the whole thread) your son has special needs and is unlikely to be able to cope with a babysitter.

There's a few things.

  1. cost. They've already spent a lot getting to the wedding and now there's an unexpected childcare bill. For a whole day and evening, it won't be cheap.

  2. language - child doesn't speak local language. What level of English will be babysitter have. Likely the level needed will attract a premium

  3. new person - some children will struggle to have a new people care for them. There is limited time for an introduction (which would also come with a cost)

Added together it's not as simple as 'just find a babysitter'

ouch321 · 04/02/2023 18:46

Sounds as though you made an assumption that it would be okay to bring your kid to the wedding so the error is on your part.

If you wanted to bring the child along you should have asked, "Just checking, is it ok if little Jo comes as well?"

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