Friend getting married overseas. No kids at the wedding

[Smashee23]

Hi all.
We have good friends who are getting married in Denmark in the spring.

The groom has 3 teen kids from a previous marriage, the bride doesn't have kids.

She told us about the wedding 3 months in advance and we went over our travel plans with her so we would make it for the whole 3 day event. We will have to catch a flight, two trains and a two hour bus to get to the hotel.

We booked everything as quickly as possible, as being short notice, meant everything was super $

Today, a month after having booked everything and only because I asked what time the wedding would take place to try to decide what to do with our 5 year old son's bedtime, she tells me the wedding is kids free.

I'm left feeling really upset, not that they won't have kids at the wedding, but that she didn't tell me until after I'd booked flights and trains.

We cannot leave our child at home because we are expats & have no family in the country we live in. We also have nowhere to leave him in Denmark. She knows all this.

On top of all this the wedding is a whole day affair from noon till 4am. She has offered to help find us a nanny, but I doubt my son would stay with someone he doesn't know alone for 8 hours until it's his bedtime.

What should I do? The tickets we booked are book refundable...

What exactly did the invitation say? Were there names on it?

This would affect how I responded to her.

This is so rude. She should have told you before you booked that your son isn't invited.

Cancel what you can, still have a trip to Denmark if you need to, don't go to the wedding.

That's shocking that she didn't tell you until after you booked! Unless it was a genuine mistake and she thought you knew?

I'd cancel and get as much money back as you can.

You hit the nail on the head. I was actually wondering whether she thought he's a cat or maybe a pet hamster 😂
Now she's saying she'll organise a nanny for him, but he's the only kid under 13 there and I doubt he'll last with a nanny he doesn't know in a new country, etc...
I don't think she meant any malice. She actually didn't think it was an important detail. Which is beyond me.
Legoland is a great idea!

That’s awful she didn’t mention it before you booked.

Take the flight to Denmark and have a family holiday instead.

Perhaps there are other wedding guests flying into the same airport that could use the adult train and bus tickets you have. Ask your friend if she can sell them on.

We haven't received the invite yet. Apparently it's in the mail.
She did know we're bringing our son though, as I mentioned we would like to visit other friends with kids for a day on our way back. Unfortunately, they won't be in Denmark because they're away for Easter.
My point is that at any stage over many what's app messages back and forth she could've told me she is having a kids free wedding.
I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't asked for specifics and gone all that way to be told on the day that I have to shove my kid somewhere 😳
At least that's something!

Send her a straight faced message saying that you have arranged for your dc to go into foster care... Await her reaction.. Then say well what else dod she think you could do with him for 3 days if not with his parents? Make her see how equally ridiculous her plans for you all were... And skip the wedding. Use it as a holiday instead. And post lots of pics on your fb.

Yup! Because we'd asked her to help book us a room close to the ballroom so we could take turn keeping an eye on him while he was sleeping.
It's a very small wedding, only for very good friends and family apparently. We are only one of two couples who aren't Danish & coming from overseas.
I wonder whether it's because she didn't want us to say we're not coming.

A couple did this exact thing to us a few years ago when our son was 2. We didn't go.

They now have a baby and take her EVERYWHERE, including, (once) to the theatre.

I'd still take the trip, just not go to the wedding

Not sure why the bride is getting all the shit here and the groom is getting none.

All go. Have the nanny for the ceremony and meal don't go at night. Do something else

Just realised Id assumed from your OP that your primary friend is the groom because you mentioned him first. My mistake.

I second the other posters, go to Denmark for a family break, don't go to the wedding, and use present money to treat your son while you are there. Tell her , unfortunately you won't be using 'childcare' your child doesn't know so you won't be able to attend. I'd actually say 'as everything was booked you will be having the family holiday instead. If she wants to meet up for a coffee you will be free eg sat morning 9-11 or Mon 11-1..' put the ball in her court and make her do the running.

How annoying.

Go, attend the ceremony on your own and then just have a family holiday.

The thing is that even if she says we can bring him now, I'll be that guest who went against the wishes of the bride.
I just feel icky about the whole thing now.
Yes I do think we'll still go, but skip the wedding or just go for the ceremony.
It doesn't help that's it's at a castle 120 kms from the nearest big town.

That's exactly what I'm thinking. Really small wedding for very close friends and family. Maybe she didn't want us to say we're not coming, but I feel like we've been deceived.
She definitely knows our son was coming. We even talked about it!

The invite is in the mail apparently. She communicated everything on what's app and on the phone.
But never mentioned anything until I asked today.

Hahaha yes I've been to a couple. Lots of speeches.
We used to live in Denmark about a decade ago. Which is how we know the bride.

Have you asked her directly - you knew Bob was coming with us, why did you not tell me you don't want him there and he can't come?

Because ops conversations are with her. It's a bit much blaming him when he isn't saying "ooh yes, lovely that baby Bob can come, hell love it" and then planning a kid free do

agree with "don't go, have family holiday instead" but if you have a room booked at the actual wedding hotel that might be a bit embarrassing. is the hotel part of a chain? if so you might be able to swap the hotel booking to one that doesn't require a 2 hr bus journey, whilst keeping the same flights?

I also had a kids free overseas wedding, but I personally called every friend with kids and told them about it, even before sending the formal invites.
That's why I'm miffed. She has every right to choose how she wants to have her wedding, but I also have to do what's right for my family.
Failing to mention such an important fact has put us in a pickle having spent all that money on flights during Easter break.

Also, we're really mindful of how our son behaves in public. I'm not just saying that because I'm his mum. He has clear boundaries and behaves well in restaurants and cafes and of course I would discreetly exit the premises if he started acting up.

That's so bloody rude. It would be be a no from me.

We're in a similar situation at the moment and have declined the invitation - I'm not hauling an 8 year old to Australia for a child free wedding and handing him off to a nanny!! Madness.