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Original poster

Friend getting married overseas. No kids at the wedding

126 replies

Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 13:08

Hi all.
We have good friends who are getting married in Denmark in the spring.

The groom has 3 teen kids from a previous marriage, the bride doesn't have kids.

She told us about the wedding 3 months in advance and we went over our travel plans with her so we would make it for the whole 3 day event. We will have to catch a flight, two trains and a two hour bus to get to the hotel.

We booked everything as quickly as possible, as being short notice, meant everything was super $

Today, a month after having booked everything and only because I asked what time the wedding would take place to try to decide what to do with our 5 year old son's bedtime, she tells me the wedding is kids free.

I'm left feeling really upset, not that they won't have kids at the wedding, but that she didn't tell me until after I'd booked flights and trains.

We cannot leave our child at home because we are expats & have no family in the country we live in. We also have nowhere to leave him in Denmark. She knows all this.

On top of all this the wedding is a whole day affair from noon till 4am. She has offered to help find us a nanny, but I doubt my son would stay with someone he doesn't know alone for 8 hours until it's his bedtime.

What should I do? The tickets we booked are book refundable...

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 04/02/2023 20:44

So, she is marrying someone with children?

Good luck with that then.

Thighlengthboots · 04/02/2023 20:44

Sarahcoggles · 04/02/2023 20:24

@Passerillage I've just re-read your post and I'm stunned. Either you don't have kids or you've forgotten what 5 year olds are like, or you had the most freakishly complaint kids ever.

Babysitter number 2 ??? So you're suggesting not one, but TWO unknown babysitters who don't speak the language looking after this poor child? And unless he has special needs, you think he would be fine with this?

Holy shit

Right? I've heard the "oh just get a sitter" crap from people but never those with their own kids, as if people are being awkward or precious for not being comfortable with a complete stranger theyve never met before looking after their child. I wonder if those people would hand over their credit cards/banking log in details to a complete stranger who doesnt speak their language to look after for the night? No?- yet they're quite happy to volunteer this for other people's children.

Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 20:50

Oh my goodness! That's so much worse than this! Horribly rude!

OP posts:
WeFollowRivers · 04/02/2023 21:15

@Smashee23 absolutely do not get a foreign babysitter! We went to a wedding in Italy. Children welcome, shared a beautiful house with numerous other families in the wedding party, 5 children, 2 babies, 3 primary aged. On the wedding day, right before the ceremony the groom mentioned the nannies had arrived, and the nannies appeared behind him to usher the children out of the ceremony prior to it starting. The nannies had been booked (unknowingly to us & two other families) for the duration of the wedding day. Needless to say the children hated it, cried, and though we saw the ceremony, we missed the entire reception. We haven't spoken with the bride & groom since (9yrs ago). We spent thousands attending that wedding...never been so happy to arrive back on the runway after a holiday!

BornBlonde · 04/02/2023 21:21

Completely unreasonable. I vote Legoland

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/02/2023 21:36

Wow! I'd have a holiday with your family and sod the wedding. She's not your friend.

Bonheurdupasse · 04/02/2023 21:43

@WeFollowRivers what happened exactly? Were the children unhappy at not joining, or they didn’t like the nannies?

WeFollowRivers · 04/02/2023 22:09

@Bonheurdupasse they were inconsolable & overwhelmed, at the foreign accents more than anything. The nannies were both lovely, not lovely enough to leave your children with though. In a foreign country the children were already on high alert, adrenaline & excitement, emotions already high. Both nannies & children were still in sight at the ceremony as we had little choice but to let them go, but for the reception they were instructed to take the children back to the villa we were staying in, around 5miles from the reception venue. They followed us back to the villa, as they were being paid for, and sat in the living room for the evening. We sat in the garden after the children had been put to bed, trying to understand how we'd missed an entire wedding reception. Bedtime was awful, just 'you're not leaving us are you, are you going back to the wedding, don't leave us here on our own'. Like we ever would. It was awful, it really was. The bride & groom didn't have children, and their naivety to leaving your children with a stranger was astounding!

Original poster
Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 22:33

Oh my god! That's so horrible! So stuff like that does happen. I'm not imagining it!
This is exactly what I mean. The bride knows our child is coming. We have discussed it in detail.
I guess she just assumed I'd be happy to leave him with a nanny, which is why she failed to mention that he wasn't invited.

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 04/02/2023 23:35

That’s terrible @WeFollowRivers ..!
the children sounded old enough to discuss with you at bedtime, could you not have explained that yes you were going back, would they not have understood?
( I’m sorry as a person with an accent I don’t understand how that made children so upset, surely there was more to it than that? It sounds like it was a truly bad situation somehow.)

HerbalTeaAndCake · 05/02/2023 01:36

FluffyHamster · 04/02/2023 16:45

Your 'friend' is completely in the wrong here, but it may be that she is completely clueless about the practicalities of childcare arrangements - it's not as simple as leaving your son with someone, or somewhere!

We had a 'no children' policy for our wedding (space/ cost reasons) and friends of DH's who came from abroad brought theirs, and we made an exception. The only problem we had was that they were over for a holiday at the same time and presumably had limited luggage, and the kids arrived at the wedding wearing bright yellow and orange cagoules, then proceeded to push to the front and photobomb every bloody photo!
Another friend had a newborn and was breastfeeding, so brought her baby DS, with the promise that she'd leave the service if he started to cry. He did, and she didn't, and she was also about 2 metres away from the video camera, so that was a pain too!

TL:DR - if you MUST take a child to a child-free wedding, at least make sure they don't ruin it!

Jesus.

HerbalTeaAndCake · 05/02/2023 01:45

Passerillage · 04/02/2023 18:37

Honestly? I'd just get a babysitter. How difficult can it be to get - with your friend's help - a fun sitter to take him for the day, put him to bed and sleep over? It's a long day, so it could be that you take a break from the wedding (to give her an hour off?) to put your son to bed and do stories, and then rejoin the party and the babysitter takes over again, or babysitter no. 2 does.

This is an unexpected situation for you, but not exactly catastrophic, unless (I haven't read the whole thread) your son has special needs and is unlikely to be able to cope with a babysitter.

How can you just leave your kid with someone you DON'T KNOW FROM ADAM in a foreign country for a whole day/night?! Are you on drugs?

What is wrong with some of you?! 🙈

HerbalTeaAndCake · 05/02/2023 01:50

Catsstillrock · 04/02/2023 20:41

@SunshineAndFizz we went to a wedding in Venice once. International couple (American / Asian, met in London).

several of his college friends flew in from the USA.

AT THE DOOR OF THE CEREMONY I saw an ussher refuse entry to one American couple who led flown from in New York the night before, as were arriving for the wedding with their one year old.

the wife who was in a formal dress and heels walked him around in the buggy outside until it was over.

we didn’t have kids then but I thought that was unbelievably rude.

Oh my GOD!

WeFollowRivers · 05/02/2023 03:57

@Bonheurdupasse the accent was unfamiliar to them, and they were still young. They were aged 4, 6 & 7.

We wouldn't have considered leaving them to return to the reception. I'm not sure many people would judging by this thread. Your children with strangers 5 miles from you? Why would you?

deeperthanallroses · 05/02/2023 04:35

I wouldn’t have sent such a nice message. How about’this is not about your having a child free wedding, this is about your not telling me! Even while you planned with us as we booked expensive flights and hotels. Newsflash - good parents don’t just lock their small child into a cupboard and go party. We can’t make your wedding, and I am so sad that you didn’t feel you could be honest with us so we are losing money to cancel our flights etc, but I can’t see any other option as we have a young child and we have to look after him.

whowhatwerewhy · 05/02/2023 06:31

I'm afraid I would message her saying how disappointed you are that she neglected to mention your DS would not be able to attend the wedding. She knew you were making expensive travel plans that include your son and didn't have the common decency to mention he couldn't attend the wedding.
I would say unfortunately your now unable to attend as it's impractical to leave your DS with a stranger and how disappointed you are that she couldn't be honest with you from the outset .

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 06:38

Firstly who goes ahead and books a trip before they’ve even been sent an invitation?

Secondly even though there has been no invitation you must have discussed it. How did she phrase it when she asked you to attend? Did she ask you and DH to attend without mentioning DS? Have you just assumed he could go?

I mean obviously you can’t drag the poor child halfway around the world to sit in a hotel room. It’s shocking that she thought you would, and for me it would be the end of the friendship. But she must have invited only the adults and you haven’t listened.

gogohmm · 05/02/2023 06:46

In all honesty, if she is laying on child care I don't think you can really complain. It's fairly common with weddings I've been to. The kids aren't banned from the wedding per se, they just have a room set up with kids movies, a nanny, kids buffet, drinks and sweets. At one wedding I went to there were lots of international guests and the kids got on great despite the language barriers, shared love of Pixar movies, that wedding had 2 nannies hired for the evening and set up bean bags, blankets etc so the kids could sleep if they wanted.

Try to relax, your dc may surprise you

StClare101 · 05/02/2023 07:08

I’ve got no idea what your WhatsApp message is actually trying to say.

Forgotthebins · 05/02/2023 07:17

Another way of looking at this is that she assumed you would be happy with a nanny (because she doesn’t understand kids) and you assumed your son was welcome. You could both have checked. If she has otherwise been a good friend, I would try not to get entrenched in the grievance. The friendship has taken a knock but I don’t know if it has to end. It is a real shame about the non-refundable flights but I think your choices are to write the costs off and chalk it up to experience, or you go to the wedding and your partner does something else or stays somewhere else with your kid. But only do the last one if you genuinely want to see her get wed and will enjoy the day.

Catsstillrock · 05/02/2023 07:57

@WeFollowRivers was or the accent the kids didn’t like? Or was it the last minute change of plans with people they didn’t know at all?

my kids like to know what is happening. So even a last minute you’re going with Auntie Sarah now would be hard to pull off.

i can imagine leaving with a nanny working if you’ve clearly explained to the kids that’s what’ll happen, had time for them to meet and get to know the nanny.

i had to use a last minute nanny one day for work reasons. My four year old was surprisingly ok with it. But I’d explained to DD the night before what would happen and booked the emergency nanny to arrive an hour before I had to leave so there was time to transition.

i think it’s ok to offer nannies at a wedding but you have to be clear with your guests on the expectations. You can’t impose it last minute and expect it to be fine.

Original poster
Smashee23 · 05/02/2023 08:31

Yes I do think this is what might've happened. She is not a malicious person. She has been a good friend so far.
I do think it was likely that she thought I would be happy with the situation.
However, I have to reiterate that she knew our son was coming and she didn't mention anything. This is what surprised me. There were so many opportunities to just tell me.
I find it strange that this very important detail was somehow omitted.

OP posts:
toucaninjapan · 29/03/2023 23:07

Did the bride reply to you in the end OP?

edenhills · 06/04/2023 07:51

StClare101 · 05/02/2023 07:08

I’ve got no idea what your WhatsApp message is actually trying to say.

I didn't understand either. It's not clear what you are saying or that the message needs a response. I would tell her (very politely) that you can no longer attend before you cancel your hotel etc in case she changes her mind. How old is your son?

Irritateandunreasonable · 10/04/2023 09:12

Smashee23 · 04/02/2023 13:08

Hi all.
We have good friends who are getting married in Denmark in the spring.

The groom has 3 teen kids from a previous marriage, the bride doesn't have kids.

She told us about the wedding 3 months in advance and we went over our travel plans with her so we would make it for the whole 3 day event. We will have to catch a flight, two trains and a two hour bus to get to the hotel.

We booked everything as quickly as possible, as being short notice, meant everything was super $

Today, a month after having booked everything and only because I asked what time the wedding would take place to try to decide what to do with our 5 year old son's bedtime, she tells me the wedding is kids free.

I'm left feeling really upset, not that they won't have kids at the wedding, but that she didn't tell me until after I'd booked flights and trains.

We cannot leave our child at home because we are expats & have no family in the country we live in. We also have nowhere to leave him in Denmark. She knows all this.

On top of all this the wedding is a whole day affair from noon till 4am. She has offered to help find us a nanny, but I doubt my son would stay with someone he doesn't know alone for 8 hours until it's his bedtime.

What should I do? The tickets we booked are book refundable...

I would go on the holiday and not attend the wedding. How ignorant is your mate!?

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