Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

[mdinbc]

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

I think it is normal to ask a family member who will be going to their wedding and a bit strange to worry about asking. It is just everyday conversation. 'Who all is coming?'. We discussed it with our families and would happily told our friends as well.

I also think you can ask if other people can be invited. Nothing wrong with asking your son and daughter-in-law something.

I have also just read that you paid £3000 towards it so I think it would be nice for you to be able to choose a few guests. I think it would be anyway even without the contribution but £3000 would cover many guests for them so it would be nice of them and free of expense for them to consider a relative or two of yours.

Of course you shouldn't ask. It isn't any of your business. It is totally up to them.

I think it's much easier to say no aunts/uncles, no cousins if you don't have an astronomical budget.

We invited them, we didn't really want to and couldn't afford to. One of DH's aunts was a bit of a PITA, wanted accommodation and transport provided. That was never going to happen, she was disappointed and it cast a cloud on everything. I wish I could go back and do it again.

I tend to be a peacekeeper in the family, and would offer more money if it meant keeping everyone happy, but right now I don't know who is invited or not.

If by "peacekeeper" you mean "woman who feels entitled to vet son's guest list, comment & catastrophise, & try to act as go-between by winding people up about how offended everyone needs to be, & controlling the situation through money" - you're probably not the diplomat you think you are ...

Just allow your DD & DS to have their own opinions, make their own decisions, & sort it out between themselves. If your DD is old enough to have children, she does not need you acting for her or speaking for her.

I'm always surprised at the hundreds of “close” friends that mumsnetters seem to have. DH and I have never been part of huge friendship groups. I am part of several friendship groups through my interests, but I wouldn't class them as close friends, and certainly not close enough to invite them to a wedding.

People are different to each other, shockingly. I've lived in another country to my family for 20 years, as has DH.

Most of our friends are in the same boat in terms of living away from family, so over the years we've become like a family to each other, and rely on each other through the day to day good and bad times in the same way families who live in close proximity might.

Meanwhile we've lost touch with the family back home that we weren't especially close to in the first place.

Keep your nose out.

It's their wedding.

I had a small as I really wanted it to be an intimate occasion with close friends and family. It was bliss although I upset a few relatives but I didn't give a shit as it was our day not theirs.

Why is it on you to be peacekeeper? Not your circus, not your monkeys.

If extended family query their lack of invite - "Oh, I'm not really involved in the planning, you'd better ask son about that"

If your daughter whinges about kids not being invited - "It's not really any of my business dear, talk to your brother"

If you're the peacekeeper, then it's because you've set yourself up as one. Disengage, go to the wedding and enjoy yourself.

I'd keep my beak out.

If you have nothing to do with drawing up the list then you can't be held accountable to any disgruntled relatives.

I'd also keep in mind that if this ends up perceived as a clash of power dynamics between MiL and DiL, it's pretty much a given that this is one you can't win. It may also set the tone for the future in a way you don't like.

No one can keep everyone else happy. You're only setting yourself up to fail, and will make a stressful life for yourself if you try.

Eh no!
Don't interfere in their guess list, 50 people isnt a lot. They probably need to include themselves in those numbers so 24 people/12 couples each side.

Ask your DS who he is inviting on his side.

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.
You know when you get married, you can decide who attends

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?
If that was your reasoning, as an old lady, I'd be very fucked off
HTH

Wise words!

Most of our friends are in the same boat in terms of living away from family, so over the years we've become like a family to each other, and rely on each other through the day to day good and bad times in the same way families who live in close proximity might.

It's the same for DD. She is an only, and we live nowhere near family, so she invests a lot in her friendships as do I, but her friends and mine are in the 10s rather than the hundreds.

The etiquette used to be that guest lists were allocated in thirds. One third to the bride and groom a third each to the grooms family and the brides family. So they would be able to invite 17 friends and you would be able to invite 16 or 17 friends and family in this case. But the dividing up of numbers should be done as early as possible.

dont ask to see the invite list.

wht will you do once you have seen it? Tell them they are inviting too many of their friends and they should invite more family?

you son and future daughter in law are equals in this.

Also don’t start with the nonsense of placing all social obligations onto the female in the relationship.

Problem is if you offer more money to invite more of your friends and family then what about the other side of the family; will it feel imbalanced that there are more of the groom's family present than the bride's?

Then if more of them are invited too, it feels like the whole wedding becomes is a very different thing than what was planned.

Unless cost is the sole reason why they're limiting to 50, I don't think you can influence things in that way - and it doesn't sound like it is. They want an intimate party with their friends, not with Great Aunt Nellie and cousin Ethel

You can point out (to your son, not your future daughter in law!) the potential pitfalls of excluding specific people, but ultimately it's their wedding and they should invite the people who mean most to them.

I had a pretty small wedding due to the size of the ceremony venue (max 40 people) - so 20 from each side (which isn't many by the time you've included siblings and their partners) - and of course I prioritised my closest friends over eg. my adult cousins and godparents. But it did cause a lot of upset, even though we invited everyone and his wife to the big evening party.

If they’ve happily taken 3 grand off you towards the wedding, damn right you should get a say in who’s invited.

If they want to have a wedding their way, they need to bloody well pay for all of it.

I think many couples are entitled cheeky fuckers when they still expect parents to pay a significant chunk towards a wedding/house deposit etc.

When will they ever grow up and stand on their own two feet?

A few years on and they’ll be expecting you to give up your life to provide free childcare because that’s what doting grannies are expected to do.

FML 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's your sons wedding day it's for him and his wife to be to invite who they wish to celebrate with. I would always prioritise grinds over distant relatives I had only seen once in a blue moon!
Giving money shouldn't come with the stipulation either you wish to help out or not!

My MIL got annoyed we dididn'invite her friends so she did and they turned up on our wedding day despite having no space for them I simply said its not my problem we were clear on numbers!

What is your relationship like with your children? Do you fall out with people a lot?

You’ll just have to shrug and say ds and fiancé arranged the wedding, you had no input. There’s nothing you can do, you can’t insist they invite this aunt, that cousin etc.. so let it go, enjoy their day. If people choose to be offended that’s their choice.

@mdinbc - you say you've given £3k with no strings attached, yet in the same breath you say that you'd offer more money if family members that the couple may not have invited aren't on the guest list.
That's a pretty big string attached.
If I were one of the couple, I'd be looking for ways to give you back your £3k.

If the groom/bride don't want to include a relative that they haven't seen/spoken with in months/years, then that is entirely their choice, money or no money. If they want their friends there to help them celebrate their day, that's their choice.

If people take offence, then in my opinion, these people are easily offended and should realise that it's actually not about them.

Just my take on the situation.

You don’t sound unreasonable but I think wedding etiquette has changed due to how expensive it is, so it can be impossible to invite everyone.

Remind your daughter that it is not her day and do what you can to help her with logistics and childcare. It is in your power to help manage the relationship between your son and your daughter. (Aside.. did she have children at her wedding?)

As for aunts... you can also shield your son and future daughter in law from this. You don't need to see the full list to find out which of your relatives are invited and which are not.

If you have a large family who like to get together... why not think about hosting a family gathering, completely seperate to the wedding (but absolutely not in the time frame of the wedding!!!

You ask if your daughter in law would be offended... you should be having these conversations with your son. 50 is not a big wedding and the venue is likely to have been chosen with this number in mind or the venue choice may dictate the guest limit.

Bride and groom, parents, siblings, best man, bridesmaid.. already takes up quite a chunk of this .. add in one favourite aunt / uncle from each family branch and surviving grandparents, leaves not much more than 6 additional friends each and their partners. It's not unreasonable... and it is their day!!

Even if you were paying for more of it, you should still request their wishes... you should support your son and do your best to safeguard your future relationships as a family.

I would say if they're old enough to, rightly, decide who they invite to their own wedding, then they're old enough to deal with any fall out.

If someone moans at you about the lack of an invitation, give them DS and DDiL number or email and let them get on with it. They obviously have a reason why certain people haven't been invited - possibly not having seen them for years. Which is fair enough. But you're not their gatekeeper so I'd sit back and let them sort out any hurt feelings. They're not kids inviting people to their 5th birthday party. They are capable adults who know they may well upset people and are, I'm sure, more than happy to deal with that. If they're not then they'll soon learn to be. Good life skill.

This is extremely outdated and harks back to when the bride's family paid, and the notion of a wedding being a family contract

It is not your wedding. If they want to invite friends then that is up to them. Very kind of you to give money but you did so with no stipulations. Please leave them alone. It is their day.