Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

[mdinbc]

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

Honestly. Keep out of it. No good will come of it. Also you're not responsible for your adult child's decisions on who they invited so relax.

If anyone complains or questions you just tell them “it’s there wedding, there choice.” Don’t discuss just keep repeating

You do not have to deal with the consequences.

The guest list was my son and W's choice.

My son and his wife made their decision.

It was their wedding and their choice.

I don't know why X wasn't invited. If you have any questions I suggest you call my son.

Please don't complain to me.

Etc.

You don't have to insert yourself into this. You don't need to go round explaining (and I'm sure apologising for!) your son and his soon to be wife's choices.

My 20 month old managed to sit at the table for a three hour reception and had to be dragged off the dance floor. He had a great time with all the family to fuss over him. Your comment is a ridiculous generalisation.

Yes. Especially if you stuck your beak in trying to get us to invite different people.

I paid for most of my daughter’s wedding. Most of the invitations went to their friends. It didn’t occur to me to ask or demand an invitation for any of our friends.

It’s up to them who they invite and if anyone says anything then you just tell them that your son made the decision

Don’t get involved! You’ll end up being the bad guy for everyone! Just let it be organised around you and enjoy the day!

Even if she's paying it's a gift! She's not buying the gift list

Op it doesn't matter if you see the list as there is nothing you can do about it. So why ask?

My 20 month old managed to sit at the table for a three hour reception and had to be dragged off the dance floor.

Charming, so adults/elderly people had to dodge a 20 month old baby. It proves my point that weddings aren't suitable for children. In fact, that you let it get to the stage where he headed to the dance floor suggests a lack of watching him and inattention to what he was up to. I find these types of people are typical of those who think children belong at weddings and are the exact type of people that cause others to say no children at weddings.

"Not buying the guest list!

The comments asking if OP is paying for the wedding irritate me. Just because you may have chosen to gift your child and partner money towards their wedding, why does that mean you suddenly get to decide how the wedding runs? Either it is a gift or an agreement to pay for your friends/choice of family to attend. Don't ask to see the guest list because wot isn't really any of your business.

I got married a long time ago when it was traditional to invite mostly family and a handful of friends. I'm lucky in that I liked my family and wanted them there. We also didn't have a child free wedding, but as there were only 4 children (all family) there it wasn't an issue. It never occurred to me to have a child free wedding. If it had been the case DH's sister wouldn't have been able to come. Sadly, very few family members are still alive now. Just my sister and cousins.

I'm always surprised at the hundreds of “close” friends that mumsnetters seem to have. DH and I have never been part of huge friendship groups. I am part of several friendship groups through my interests, but I wouldn't class them as close friends, and certainly not close enough to invite them to a wedding.

Maybe the wedding you went to was more casual, it doesn't sound like a normal wedding where you sit at a table for hours in a venue.

I would amend normal to formal. I have been to several weddings where we weren’t sat at the table for several hours.

That’s all fine and well but it still stands that if the married couple don’t want children there, that’s their prerogative

Talk to your son mention the strops X may throw. Then make sure stroppy knows that you have no idea whos on the guest list. It's not your problem

I'd ask my DS who's invited from the family so I know. Nothing wrong with that. If they choose not to invite everyone it's their choice, so at least you can let those not invited know.

Yes people might be offended, but honestly, these days, tradition is a bit yester year.

Do people honestly get so offended about not being invited to weddings? I'm personally delighted when I'm not invited!

I don't think you should interfere or try to influence their guest list but I think it's fine to ask which family has been invited. It's certainly not normal for the groom's parents to be totally unaware of who from the family is coming, it is normal to have had conversations about it surely?

We fell out with my MIL after she tried to get involved in our invites. She wanted her large amount of siblings, that we don't know, invited. We had a huge argument over it and they didn't speak to us for two years after and didn't come to our wedding. In cutting us out they also missed out on their only baby grandchild growing up. Sad times. Please don't worry about people being offended, let the couple enjoy their day their way.

You should read the posts on MN from the professionally offended when they only get an evening invitation.

Although I don't understand the wedding hatred on here. I love a wedding. Mind you I don't get invited to many.

Fine to ask who has been invited from Groom's side of the family so that you can respond to any questions from relatives and be diplomatic as needed.

Not fine to ask for full copy of guest list or to ask for changes/additions.

A gentle probe to see if couple would have liked to invite more if could afford - possible if relationship good and back off quickly if answer 'no'.

It isn't your wedding, even if you have given money towards the cost I think expecting to change who they want at THEIR wedding is rude. My in laws found out we hadn't invited some people and made us invite them, I so wish I'd told they to get lost, I haven't seen these people since my wedding day, why were they there? Worse still there were people there I had never heard of nevermind met (again never heard from them since). My in laws saw our wedding as their chance to invite their friends/extended family, I should have been clear I didn't want these people there and if the stipulation of them offering (we never asked) to give money towards the cost was that they invited a load of people we didnt know well they could keep their money. I regret this 8 years on.

Don't do it, it isn't your wedding.

I'm started to get worried about people being offended.
Why?
Even if they are - you wouldn't be the offence-giver.
There's no need to anticipate offence or take it by proxy.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?
This is about your DD & the no children decision isn't it?
Although the way you coyly intone "young ladies" & assume that ALL young women are a collective entity who will have exactly the same opinions & feelings makes me wonder if you're not being a tease ...

I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...
What gives you that impression?
Do you not get on with your son's fiancee?
Is your DS incapable of input & decisions about his own family's invitations?
Are you implying that your future DiL is cutting out your family in favour of her friends?
Even if that's the case, your son is clearly agreeing with it.
So what are you looking to do - challenge them about their own invitation list, & guilt them about "maybe causing offence"?

Leave the Young Gentleman & Lady (ugh) alone to plan their wedding the way they want it & invite who they wish to. No good will come of you sticking your beak in. Especially if it's how I suspect & you are angling to get your DD's children or more relatives from your side along. That's just setting your DC at each other's throats.
And what mother would want that?

Sorry, who's actually getting married? Sometimes it can be tricky to work out if it's the parents or the bride and groom....!! Thank God there are plenty of other options these days for those of us who find it tricky to understand why we have to invite Great Great Aunt Ethel and her snappy Pekinese from Bognor Regis to keep the family peace but we can't invite our mate who stood by us all through the important bits of our life....!

I wish Sil had commented to nephew. His father's side was fully there including cousins and their children
However sils 2 siblings (and partners) were not invited. Honestly I was hurt to be excluded.

I've not said anything nor will I as all it will do is make sil unhappy whom I like. There is no big fall put we have seen the boys throughout their life so I honestly do not understand why we were not invited.

Only comment I have made was when sil was speaking to dd1 and her partner and saying she wanted an invite for the wedding. I said " that will be down to each couple as they make their list" I will encourage my children to invite their aunt though likely offer to pay that seating if money is the issue.

I wish sil had done similar dh was very hurt to not be invited. Again no fall out before or after.