Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

[mdinbc]

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

As a DIL I personally wouldn’t mind

Step back. Don't worry about people taking offence - that's up to them, and not your problem. You can explain that you had no say.

None of your business to be fair.
Would rather people I know, want to see and love there rather than someone I barely see or really know just because we are related in some form. As they say, you can't choose family.
Would you be happy to be told who to invite to your own party which would mean some of your closest friends weren't invited?

I think it’s fair enough to want a heads up as to who/who isn’t invited so you can prepare your answers to any incoming family questions accordingly,

Or if there is someone in the fam you’d really like to be invited you could offer the extra costs per head (but that might not be an option depending on the venue).

Talk to your son first though and don’t be pushy whatever the response.

(traditionally both sets of parents would be probably be asked to provide a list of family guests but I would imagine that hasn’t been much of a thing for 30-40 odd years now, not since most couples took on the majority costs of their own weddings themselves)

I think you’ve got the wrong attitude by talking about ‘MIL’. This is your sons wedding, his choice and you’re the mother, don’t blame your DIL!
I also think it’s not unreasonable to expect to
be involved if you’ve financed a large chunk of the costs. The final say is your sons but I think he’d be fairly unreasonable to not invite all
close family inc grandparents, nephews, nieces and anyone he sees on a regular basis

My mum gave me a list of people that she wanted there. She paid a big chunk of the day, so we were both happy.

Is there anyone who you would particularly like to be there?

Perhaps you could just check about them?

I do think it's cheeky to take 3 grand & not invite anyone from your side if that's the case.

I agree it is their choice, but I don't think there's harm is asking your son, is Aunt A & Aunt B invited etc, so that you can be pre warned; he can't be that ignorant of the family dynamics and not know that you will get it in the ear if they haven't been, at least that gives you time to prepare for any disappointed phone calls.

We had about 50 at our wedding - immediate family only and then friends. We didn’t people we hardly ever talk to there. Everyone was fine with it!

It is your son's wedding so surely you would be asking as his mother?

The bit I think is missing here are the family conversations. Did you not sit down with DS and future DIL to discuss the wedding. We did, both with them and with their parents. A budget was agreed at the outset and the budget dictated the numbers. Had the budget been half we'd all have had to curtail our numbers and it would have been inner circles only. Under no circumstances would aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings and respective spouses have been excluded. On our side that was only 8, and on dils 10.

DILs parents picked up about half; we picked up half. DIL bought her frock and the maid of honours frock; DS paid for the honeymoon and the rings.

We all know that the dil is always wrong and she’s the one that plans everything and the poor ds has no word in how his wedding should be

<ironic mode off>

If I was the bride or groom of this wedding I’d have hated my wedding day

@EasterIssland it was exactly the wedding they wanted. What would you have hated about your parents and future IL's paying for the day you wanted?

I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Consider how your life would be if, any time the topic came up, you smiled indulgently and said 'oh, it's all very different these days. We just have to be glad that they get to do exactly what they want'.

You can add an eye roll for anyone who might appreciate it.

Why borrow trouble ?

Not RTFT, but seems responses are mostly their wedding, their choice etc. I do get that but I have sympathy for OP’s position. Not sure how old OP and married couple are, but there can be a huge generational shift in these things, with parents of bride and groom often getting it in the ear from disgruntled relatives/those people assuming the parents have set guest list. OP I’m sure you can pitch it sensitively to the bride and groom. Ie “Obviously the guest list is yours but would you be able to let me know who you’re thinking of inviting, just so I know how to manage any family that come to me directly about it.” If people haven’t been invited which you think will cause an issue, you could approach them about the prospect of inviting them/offering to pay. But risk is that this comes across as guilt trip/interfering and it may not be about guests/numbers/money but just a question of overall dynamic and not having people there just out of politeness etc. good luck!

It does make it very clear that son isn't close /isn't fussed about his mums siblings (if that's what aunt means)

Which is pretty rude if it comes out of the blue from an involved aunt.

Not sure just shrugging and saying "it's good son makes one decision" suddenly wipes out hurt feelings.

Would you rather you son and DIL have the best day they've always imagined or a day they hate to keep up appearances? They have no obligation to invite anyone, including yourself and sadly £3000 is a relatively small amount in terms of weddings these days. It certainly would not cover the costs of inviting every Tom, Dick and Harry.

I think you could ask re your daughter and the child situation in that case only - without it being a demand - just ask them to consider her feelings if travelling.

But the rest - they want a small wedding, it doesn't matter if its one-sided if the people getting married are happy - to the aggrieved distant relatives you say it's just an intimate wedding, no offence is intended.

If they’ve happily taken 3 grand off you towards the wedding, damn right you should get a say in who’s invited.

Come off it.

Do parents who help fund university get to dictate what courses & career the adult child can take?
If they buy their child a car, do they get to tell them where they are allowed to drive it?

A gift with strings isn't a gift - it's a bribe, or a lever of control.

DD married recently. We gave a generous contribution for them to use as they wished. We were asked if there were any individuals we particularly wished to invite. Other than that we were not over involved. We visited venues with the couple and the grooms mum and I was involved in the bridal stuff of dresses, shoes, bridesmaids etc. Ultimately though it was the wedding they wanted with the majority of the 100+ guests being their friends. Yes it caused some offended individuals including aunts and uncles but too bad! Times have moved on and I’m glad their wedding has moved on from my own when I didn’t actually know many individuals there as they were friends of my parents! Let them have their day IMHO rather than risk a fallout with the couple themselves who are ultimately the most important people at the event.

I think you can ask ‘have invited Auntie Flora?’ Or whoever.

Also point out that child-free weddings don’t necessarily include close family such as nephews & nieces. How old are your DD’s children?

Was this a long time ago? This sounds like quite an unusual way of doing things unless the parents are paying for the whole of a large wedding.

We got married in the last few years, paid for by ourselves, and didn't involve our parents at all in the invites.

My mum did ask why xyz family members were not invited. I told her that I hadn't seen or heard from them in 4 years, hence not wanting to knock close friends off the list for them.

She seemed to think my wedding should be some kind of big family reunion. I told her to arrange her own big family reunion party if she likes, but my wedding was not that, and I only wanted to be surrounded by people I had a relationship with.

Dragged off as in loved dancing all night and didn't want to stop. Happily dancing with all his relatives who were enjoying dancing with him too 🙄

So you cannot control who goes, but don't take on the role of placating disappointed people. Also the young couple should be feeling this responsibility not you. Direct the query straight back to the young couple. 'So sorry, I don't know if you are invited, why you weren't invited. Here is DS email you can chase it up with him'