Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

[mdinbc]

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

Maybe the wedding you went to was more casual, it doesn't sound like a normal wedding where you sit at a table for hours in a venue. It's common sense that children don't enjoy weddings and adults don't enjoy having to watch over their kids as they get restless and want to run around a room.

How many did you want to attend?

I kind of wish for our wedding we had a few less work friends along and allowed DM to invite a few more - but having said that all the key relatives were invited.

Unfortunately you've left it too late, when you gave them the money was the time to ask about invites.

Certainly you could ask your DS to confirm who is invited from your side , but just so you don't say the wrong thing to anyone.

You should have titled this thread differently - should I ask my son what family members on our side are being invited to the wedding ..

I think that these days, thank goodness, that most people realise that a couple now choose who they ‘want’ to have at a wedding, not who they are expected to have, you’re never going to please everyone at a wedding.

hope you have a lovely day regardless.

would offer more money if it meant keeping everyone happy, but right now I don't know who is invited or not

Everyone except the bride and groom!
Don't ask, they have made their decisions. Just let them have the day they want.

I fundamentally disagree with the idea that if parents help towards the cost of a wedding then they should dictate who is invited.

Any gift that comes with terms attached isn't a gift at all IMO.

I assumed that an aunt missing could we'll be the sister or brother of the mil. So not really a distant relation but someone who has seen the son grow up. I'd find it very awkward to say to one sister, sorry no idea speak to x.

If it's that level of missing out, I can see why anyone would want to know now and try and fix it (if it's just they are not that close over any actual issue then adding them on to avoid fall out between mil or fil and 2 siblings seems sensible - why deliberately make things upsetting/awkward for your parents)
If it's a much older aunt of the mil, then that's a bit different. But if one is closer just say sue to being more able to travel and other can't travel easily but always wants news of x, then that's also something to point out. Just so they are aware it would upset people, they can chose to carry on if they want.

Some times, couples can forget that as well as it being their big day, they are joining a family and if they cause offence at that big day, that can have long term consequences they have to deal with. I assume @mdinbc is aware she’ll be the one expected to smooth things over.

but you can’t really do anything - if there are relatives who don’t get on, then you could say would they like you to look over the list for advice about who should be put on different tables to avoid unpleasantness. If your dd can’t go if it’s childfree, tell your son that. He will decide what’s important.

I think it’s unfair to your DD that her children aren’t invited as they are such close family. Entirely up to them as it’s their wedding, but there are consequences to making a decision like that. It would be better if it was brought up diplomatically before. Some childless couples are clueless about children, think it’s the same as leaving a dog at home and are worried about noise/mess ruining their day, or maybe it’s the cost. If you can work out why then maybe there’s a solution where everyone is happy.

I also don’t see the harm in asking who from your side of the family is coming. You need to know really so when you are talking to people about the wedding you don’t put your foot in it with those who aren’t invited!

We refused any money because a siblings wedding had ended up with anyone and everyone they had ever spoken to (eg once they sold them a car). It would have made me feel uncomfortable and like I had to be on my best behaviour at my own wedding if lots of people I never see came.

At 50 people, I suspect that there will be more friends than family.

We had a child-free wedding but made an exception for our niece who was 2yo.
All other DC were not invited as there would have been 15 of them, which meant we would have had 15 of our closest friends not invited. Friends usurped DC we hardly knew.

If family are asking you for info, just tell the truth - you are not in charge and it will be a small wedding so it might be that extended family will not be invited.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to ask who from your family is being invited, so that you can avoid putting your foot in it / making assumptions etc - as a daughter in law I would want you to know.

However, if you are asking so you can argue with them about it, or want to see the whole guest list and count how many friends etc, that would be unreasonable.

Also, why the focus on mil. It's your son's wedding too - ask him! Them it's a mother asking not mil. It's his responsibility who from your side is being invited.

This!

You need to stop now, no looking at the lost, no interfering. No suggesting changes to keep the peace. Nothing!
It's not your wedding!

Stay out of it. If you think there will be family ructions then you can legit stay out of it with plausible deniability.

If your DD is going to be upset, she needs to take it up with her brother.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a "heads up" about who is and who isn't. As long as you know you can resist saying "but Aunt Mary must come"
My adult nephew recently got married. He and his wife paid for most of it (I expect his parents gave a few thousand towards it). They were pretty clear that they were not going to invite one set of adult cousins on the basis that they never spoke to him as kids or adults and would rather have friends there. Similarly due to numbers, other cousins came to the evening do only. I think they had about 80 in the day. Our side of the family is much bigger than hers so even just inviting uncles/aunts/cousins would have been an unfair split of places.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1
I guess it's different families and how close they are. I've been to a number of friends/extended family weddings that were child free and been absolutely fine about my children not going . But in my experience own children/nieces/nephews/bridal party are exceptions to the rule. I've only heard of one wedding where immediate families kids weren't invited and that was on here!!

Would I be upset? No. But I had a huge wedding so that we didn't have to worry about excluding people. It's hard to say without knowing why they want a small wedding (eg, do they hate children and large crowds or would they like a bigger wedding but can't afford it).

You have no way of knowing how the couple really feels about certain family members. I have an aunt that I really dislike and people would think we are fine as we are polite to each other when we meet but I don’t even send her a Christmas card let alone would I invite her at my wedding.
The couple knows who are important to them and who aren’t and if people get upset about not being invited then they can ask themselves why and what kind of relationship they have with the couple. If instead they throw a tantrum then that tells you enough on what kind of people they are & why they weren’t invited in the first place

Nieces and nephews are not 'immediate families kids' though. If the couple marrying had kids, those kids are immediate family. A niece or a nephew is not immediate family. Immediate family is B&G and their own children.

My MIL gave us a similar amount of money to you and I asked if there were 3/4 of her friends who she'd like to invite. I didn't know these people but it gave her a more enjoyable day and I think it's only polite when she was so generous. But she didn't ask, I offered.

Why on earth should they show you the list? YABVU

Are you really the 'peacekeeper'?

Or the one who seems to always be in the middle of all the issues?

Because who would there be a need to keep the peace unless meddlings and gossips were ongoing?

Just leave them be.

One thing to add - I’d your dd decides not to go as her dcs aren’t invited - don’t get involved with trying to get her there. Don’t try to broker peace between them.

having had someone in our family cause lots of upset because it was their big day - I realised it was a massive mistake to try to fix it. The same couple went and offended other family members again a few years later and then were all shocked they were cut off.

step back from the family peacemaker role and let the adults work out what sort of relationships they want.

I think traditionally, for a lot of families, wedding were paid for entirely by parents so parents had a huge involvement in the big day. It was about the parents putting on a show for the whole family. Nowadays, couples are a lot more self sufficient and pay for most or part of the weddings themselves so are not as happy to have someone else dictating.

My in-laws gave us £5k then gave us a guest list of 25 people they wanted invited (bearing in mind our guests totalled 80). Friends of theirs mainly. Said they had to invite them because they'd been invited to their children's weddings 🙄 We compromised by allowing some of them we actually knew (albeit fleetingly) to come to the evening part. In-laws were still put out that they couldn't control our day more. 2 years later my sister in law got married and in-laws totally controlled the wedding and had the bride in tears on her own wedding day.

So OP, by all means talk to your son informally about who is not invited but it is not your son's (and his fiance's) responsibility to invite all the family just because you want them to. It is their wedding day, nobody else's. And if it's a small wedding, it's impossible to invite everyone. Maybe explain to those not invited (if they are actually upset) that it's a very small wedding so immediate family members only.

We got married a long time ago but we were so glad we allowed the aunts, uncles and one cousin and partner per family. They’re all mostly dead but it made my dad so happy.
We also invited friends who we have barely seen since. Life moves on with friends in a way it doesn’t with relatives.
I’m still not sure you can insist they come but equally I do feel how awkward it is for you.