Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

[mdinbc]

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

I think the no kids at weddings is fair enough and should be decided by the bride and groom. DC bring a completely dynamic to a wedding. I find parents can never truly relax and enjoy themselves as they're always 'on duty,' also all the chat is fragmented as they have to deal with their DC.

I got married last out of my friends, loads of them had DC by the time we got married. We just couldn't fit them in unless we uninvited some important friends.

On relatives asking you questions, you need to just tell them to contact DS and DIL. Keep out of it - offer help by all means but that's it

I totally agree. I can see why people fall out over organising weddings. Far too many people looking to be offended.

I really don’t get the reasoning that just because parents contribute they should dictate who or what happens at weddings.

We got married recently - parents contributed nearly £20,000 but would never have told us how to spend the money or who to invite! Our wedding our decision!

Op didn't ask about having a conversation she asked about seeing the Guest List, which is crossing the line into interfering.

Once she has seen the Guest List one assumes her next step was to start questioning why X and not Y or can you leave A off and invite B

50 people isn't a big wedding.
It's really only 12 couples aside.

Conversation Yes, where have the couple drawn the line, are Aunties invited, but checking the list is treating them like children.

Sadly that is the MIL role these days. Otherwise, your contribution of £3k is purely conditional and surely they will be paying for quite a bit of the wedding themselves too.

It is their day and the offended feelings of relatives they don't really see should count for a lot less than the feelings of the couple themselves.

You don't have to be the "peacekeeper" anyway. Why should you be responsible for whether these people who are not really as connected to the couple, taking offence? Face up to them. If they can't behave themselves and indulge their feelings in taking offence, that is their problem and not yours, and definitely not the couples. You can easily explain that it's out of your hands, has nothing to do with you and that they are having a very small wedding due to the financial crisis and they are saving for housing. Most reasonable people would accept that.

Think about the extra cost/effort/time and sheer hassle that might be required if additional relatives are added to the guest lists. If you plan a careful guest list for a party, you are setting the tone for how you want that party to be. If an additional group comes it, it could change the sort of wedding they wanted to have.

I paid for my own wedding - a real stretch. My mother, without asking invited a significant amount of extra guests I barely knew from another country. She commanded our attendance at a large gathering the night before the wedding - which we were too tired for, and couldn't afford. She changed our wedding menu, an extra I had to pay for in full on my return from honeymoon - lovely surprise that one. They put vodka shots in my father's drinks, and someone had to take him home early.

The point is, she cared far more about their feelings than she did about ours, or the expense or extra work it caused when I was stretched to the absolute limit. None of these people cared about us and I didn't hear from them again until a funeral 10 years later. So what was it all for?

They are adults, please don't foist extras on them because it will make life easier for you as a peacekeeper.

Wow, what a lot of replies, veering from slagging me to being an interfering MIL, and some people understanding me wanting to see who is invited from our side.

"I see it a bit differently, in that it is about approach. You could ask your son for a list of which family from your side have been invited, so that you know who you can talk with about accommodation etc. Who else is there isn't your business. At 50 people and mostly friends, that will be a short list! If you perceive hurt feelings then let him know "Just a head-up, there is a risk that aunt X will be offended that you invited aunt Y but not her." After that you need to leave the couple to it."

I see above as being a balance approach. I actually just talked to my DD this morning, and she has gone from being angry to resigned that she will go alone to her brothers wedding and leave children (8 and 4) at home with her DH. I just had to reassure her that it was her brothers wedding and his choice.

I have no intention of overtaking wedding plans. I do think that future DIL (whom I love) is a bit overwhelmed and has never planned an event. They started off with over 120 people with a venue booked, cancelled that and now it is down to 50. There was also a large engagement party to which friends of the family were invited, and now they may be expecting an invite to the wedding which won't come. It just seems a bit unorganized. I think I would just like to know who from our side is invited so at least I can defend their choices, or offer to pay for a few more seats if there is a missed person that we would really like to share the day.

Thanks to everyone for adding opinions.

You don't need advance knowledge to defend their choices though. If someone brings something up, you can respond to it then with , "I don't know, you'll have to ask the couple about that." If no-one brings anything up, then no problem. You also don't need to defend the couple's choices. The couple can deal with that too.

You don't get to pressure them into adding people you'd 'like to share the day with'. It's not your day.

@mdinbc what was the reason for them going from 120 to 50 guests?

If it was purely down to cost, and the venue can accommodate more than 50 guests, then offering to pay so that Aunt Jane can attend seems reasonable.

If it was because they wanted a smaller wedding and/or the venue cannot accommodate more than 50 guests then you're effectively saying that your needs matter more than theirs on their own wedding day.

I think I'd try and find out why they have reduced the size from 120 to 50.

Could be a combination of reasons from money, family fall out to just feeling 120 people is a heck of a lot of people to get around.

Maybe it was a venue that forced the change or maybe they felt overwhelmed with the whole engagement party.

I do think I'd try and encourage them to invite his neice / nephew even if their are no other kids. But that's about it.

One other thing if they have sent 'save the dates' they need to tell people they are sorry but for xyz reason they've changed plans and people no longer need to 'save the date'

Hmmm,
girlmom21, I do not want to pressure them, like I previously said, I love them and respect that they are having a smaller wedding - we are all for it. I do realize it is their special day.

calphurnia - I think DIL just jumped into a magazine style wedding plan without fully realizing all the costs and overwhelming amount of planning. She chose 6 bridesmaids, had a photoshoot involving a helicopter on a mountain, sent out engagement announcements and had a party, has already purchased an expensive dress, etc. We have not said a word to either of them, but just worried that it was getting out of hand with their working-class lifestyle and family. I think perhaps my son and she finally had a realistic discussion, and reeled it all in to a smaller venue and guest list. We are more than grateful that plans are scaled back, but were a bit shocked to hear our 4 grandchildren weren't going to be a part of it. Older DS also has two kids the same age group.

If it is possible to pay for the GC to come, then we would offer. We don't really care about cousins, etc, since we know how guests list can grow. If they are adamant that they don't want kids, we would also respect that. My DH was just about in tears when he realized that the GC weren't invited, he just wants the whole family (ours) together to celebrate.

Perhaps we will just have a word with our son to ask who on our side is invited. We have no intention of causing a fuss or being intrusive.

I'd certainly ask about your GCs, after all they gain an Auntie (if they don't already call her Auntie).
Even though it's cheap to add kids their food is normally a fraction of the cost of adults they still count towards the numbers. Which is important if the venue is a capacity of 50. Remember the bride might also have neices and nephews who would warrent an invite.

We were the last of our friends to get married, adding friends kids and cousins kids was about 36 kids, and some friends had 'kids' who were late teens / early 20s, can you invite a 21 yo without a plus 1? The line had to be drawn we drew it at neices/ nephews only.

Maybe they don’t want any kids at the wedding- it’s not unreasonable to do that

It seems like you know already that some people haven’t been asked so what’s the point in having the guest list really? Take a step back and direct any questions to your son

Talk to your son about this, it’s his wedding too, you’re clearly placing blame on your future dil for their plans so far, why?

It’s your GC you want to ask about and your sons wedding, I don’t even understand why you’re even referring to yourself as a MIL in relation to your own son’s wedding?

Do you not hold him accountable for his own wedding plans?

Stop this kind of mindset now where you consider this to be your DILs doing and treat you son like an adult.

These are big drip feeds OP.

How old are the bride and groom? They sound young. Spending a shed load on an engagement do, a photo shoot (?). 6 bridesmaids, an expensive dress, a reception of 120 being reduced to 50 - it sounds like they haven't got a clue.

Your £3k has most likely already been spent.

Ask if they need practical help (budgeting?!).

I would ask about the GC - or get your DD to. If they aren't invited, ask if it's due to capacity ot money. If it is money offer to pay for GC.

I personally think you need to have a chat with DS & DIL just to see how things are getting on.

I was going to say - does DS /DIL earn a lot of money?
Does DIL's family have a lot of money?

FFS - a photoshoot on a mountain - who does that?!

Just read the latest update where it sounds like you're going to pressure them to include your grandchildren. Don't. If they wanted them there they'd have invited them and I expect there are child relatives on your DIL's side who are also left off the list, and their friends' children. Let them have their wedding their way.

So?

Her choice. None of your business. Leave her alone.

OP whether you intend it to or not, suggesting you pay for various other guests is going to make them feel pressured.

My DH was just about in tears when he realized that the GC weren't invited

Blimey.
I thought you were going to say tears of relief that the helicopter mountain shots were cancelled.

Could I gently suggest that you encourage each other to stop over-investing in this wedding? It is JUST ONE DAY. You have the rest of your DC's lives to celebrate their marriages, including as many GC as you wish.

I was going to say after your latest update that perhaps they're in over their heads and could use some support in aspects of planning the wedding (or at least a non-pressurising 'Son, how's everything going with the wedding, do you need any help with anything?') but have to say I agree with @KettrickenSmiled that if you're husband is almost in tears over this then you both sound far too invested.

As another poster said, it is a wedding not a family reunion.

Or the short version: “My brother didn’t do what I wanted on his wedding* *day, so I nagged and guilt-tripped him until I got my way, then got huffy because uninvited kids turned up - not because this was an insult to the bride and groom, but because I might have left my husband at home had I not relentlessly pushed my own agenda”.

Don't we often see threads on this -we attended a child free wedding of my brother/sister, leaving our kids st home /at great effort or cost

Then we saw lots of their friends /other personal family had brought kids.

It's the unfairness usually, not fairly applied rules to all guests.

So seeing the guest list at least ensures any obvious unfairness is pointed out (and they may still stick to their guns but least it's known upfront)

I feel like yes, it's your wedding and 'your day' and you are entitled to invite whom you want. Equally you are not in charge of how people who are not invited feel about that, so if they 'get the hump'/ have hurt feelings and say so they are entitled to feel that too. If you don't want people feelings to be hurt, behave with a little consideration. If you don't care, then you can't complain when they take their bat home can you.