Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

[mdinbc]

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

I haven't read the whole thread but I'm sure it's full of people saying you have no right to see it, they have no need to invite anyone they don't want to, it's their day etc. All literally true but it does feel like people use what is supposed to be the happiest day of their lives to make passive aggressive political statements about stuff sometimes. Like, as if aunt Jane not being invited doesn't affect aunt jane's sister which is the OP. Like she'll be able to talk about the wedding without that aunt feeling the hurt afresh.

I don't think it's necessarily bad to interfere if the couple haven't thought through how not inviting I've person will play out among the family. Maybe they don't care (or enjoy a bit of power play) but they should know what they're doing if they're doing it.

Being aware of potential upset rellies and wanting to answer awkward questions correctly without deflection or blaming others isn’t ‘controlling’!
Not when it comes naturally to you, because you are aware it's not your decision, not your responsibility, & not you causing any so-far imaginary 'offence', I agree.

What a strange interpretation.
Not at all. Somebody who was naturally aware of the above & had no intention of interfering, would just make bland responses ad hoc IF they came up.
Not post on AIBU asking if it's ok to vet the guest list, preparatory to making the couple reconsider. Which is clearly the intent - or why would you bother posting?
If Op doesn't plan to interfere, she doesn't need to see the damn guest list, It's not her remit to be getting in the middle playing "peacemaker" as she calls it.

Besides - I don't think this is about extra guests so much as it's about the no-children decision, & how that is apparently going to greatly upset OP's DD. Maybe OP & her DD have form for making DS's life & decisions All About Them ...

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 why should a toddler be out of the way of adults? That's bizarre. The adults in my family love having kids at weddings (and yes, they are formal, expensive do's in posh places before you wonder) it adds to the atmosphere.

Er, maybe because toddlers get under feet, trip people etc on the dance floor, and elderly people are susceptible to broken bones? It's bizarre I have to explain this.

Haha, OK well as a PP said, our family has had tonnes of weddings at not yet has a toddler wound up putting an elderly relative in hospital, or on the floor, or anywhere else.

I think you are being massively up tight!

I agree with you. @mdinbc should ask her son which family members are invited. Despite it being a child free wedding, they should still invite the groom’s sister and her dc. They are immediate family. Fair enough if you don’t want to invite cousins and their dc (they’re not immediate family).

No, I'm not, all you need to do is read the numerous stories on here of toddlers tripping up waiters, knocking into people, spilling hot soup in one case. I think you're being insensitive to the needs of other people and negligent if you genuinely believe it's ok for toddlers to run around at such a do. And it's always, always these types of posters that are the ones that smile at their darling kids as they cause havoc, completely oblivious to everyone else's discomfort.

Lol. You don't know my relatives!

I don't know why you think it's impossible that some parents and children enjoy weddings but I assure you it is. Just as some adults enjoy them but others don't. Anyway, it's not the point of the thread so I'm not going to argue further.

@Sushi7 No, childfree means exactly that. Child free. And a sister's child is a niece/nephew and therefor not immediate family.

OK then.

I must say, you dont really sound like you'd be the life and soul of a wedding anyway 🙄

Why do you want people in your life who'd be offended and cause drama over not being invited to a wedding?

I agree with you. @mdinbc should ask her son which family members are invited. Despite it being a child free wedding, they should still invite the groom’s sister and her dc. They are immediate family. Fair enough if you don’t want to invite cousins and their dc (they’re not immediate family).

"SHOULD" 😂😂😂

Listen up, OP's DS & fiance - MN has spoken. That's you told. Anyone would think it was your own wedding you were planning ...

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 of course your niece / nephew is immediate family
Thing is people that do all this seem to me to just want instagram weddings and its all about them ( normally bride) yet in a couple years when they have DC they will moan , my sister/ brother hasn't taken interest in my dc and hasn't visited .

I don't see why you can't say "is aunty Kay on the list?"

And if it's a no it's may be followed by a reason why. If it's money then you could offer some more (but don't get offended if they politely refuse). Or they might say they just want a small wedding, so you then just have to let them get on with it

Er, maybe because toddlers get under feet, trip people etc on the dance floor, and elderly people are susceptible to broken bones? It's bizarre I have to explain this.

I have literally never witnessed a toddler tripping an elderly person on the dance floor. Those who are so frail tend to stay away from the dancing.

You have decided the previous posters son was unsupervised, there's no evidence of that. Every wedding I've been too where kids have been in attendance, while on the dance floor they're generally dancing, holding hands with various adults, utilising empty space. I'm baffled you don't seem to be able to see this is more often than not the case. It's enough to give you a migraine.

If you ask is auntie Kay on the list you can't plead ignorance. Two weddings down with sons. I knew nothing 🙈🙉🙊

Hmm this might be the best advice of all actually.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 The groom’s sister is his immediate family. Cousins and their dc are not immediate family. Siblings are. The bride would probably think differently if her siblings (and she liked them) had dc.

indeed - if its the OPs sister that is not invited, who OP is close to, thats someone she now can't discuss the wedding with at all (if she is being tactful) and has to avoid the subject at all costs.
If NO aunts are invited, thats different , but one and not the other is fairly pointed in a family.

If its the OPs great aunt, its less of an issue.

Er, maybe because toddlers get under feet, trip people etc on the dance floor, and elderly people are susceptible to broken bones? It's bizarre I have to explain this.

It's not just weddings though is it?
These pesky toddlers get everywhere, underfoot, tripping the elderly (I swear the little buggers actively TARGET geriatrics) & causing broken bones left right & centre.

I think they should be banned from public spaces until they are in control of themselves. It is totally reasonable to insist that they are kept safely at home until they can stop being such menaces. Say, until they are about 22.

As we all know, no drunken adult EVER caused a tripping incident at a wedding.
My case rests.

I agree with Mardyface - this is the best advice on the whole thread.

No need to know, no need for the ridiculousness of rehearsed responses as suggested by PP, no need to have any involvement whatsoever with anybody else's 'offence'.

I think they should be banned from public spaces until they are in control of themselves. It is totally reasonable to insist that they are kept safely at home until they can stop being such menaces. Say, until they are about 22.

Sounds good to me 😆

Thank you @ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor
I am determined not to let the little sods ruin my Elderly Queen of the Disco routine at the next wedding I crash am cordially invited to.

Oh FFS. Senior moment or what? @ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor didn't mean to bewilder you - my tag above was meant for @kingtamponthefurred

PS a toddler made me do it.

Traditionally the brides father paid for the wedding and the brides mother and the bride sent the invites from the brides parents. The husband to be's family had no input. The husbands parents would have been invited to the wedding by the brides parents.

I think now, with more modern ways the couple themselves now often pay for their wedding so they are free to invite who they please.

Who's paying? Who has the control over the invitation list? These factors do play a significant part.