Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

[mdinbc]

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

It's literally nothing to do with you. Even if you do want to contribute more financially, you still don't get to tell them who to invite.
If your son doesn't see some of his aunts/uncles etc enough to want them there then that's their choice.
Some people just want those they are actually closed to and care about to share their day, not a bunch of distant relatives who they barely know and don't keep in touch with.

I think it’s fair enough to want a heads up as to who/who isn’t invited so you can prepare your answers to any incoming family questions accordingly,
It really isn't - that's just another assumption that the guest list should be within OP's purview.
She has absolutely no need to know who's on the list in order to "prepare her answers". It's not an examination, & OP isn't the responsible party.
She only needs to say "no idea, it's not my wedding, DS & fiance are in charge of their own invitations."

Or if there is someone in the fam you’d really like to be invited you could offer the extra costs per head (but that might not be an option depending on the venue).
Is there a good way to say "you know your wedding? I want to completely change the dynamic so it's more about me & the relatives I don't want offended, than it is about you. So here's some guilt-tripping laced with money, to ensure I get the wedding I feel you ought to have." ?

I can guarantee you those relatives and friends weren't thinking happily and were wondering why you weren't supervising him. I bet you'd be screaming loudly if he was accidentally trod on, but couldn't care less about an elderly person trying to dodge a darting toddler and taking a fall and breaking bones! The fact you see absolutely nothing wrong with your inability to supervise your toddler is stunning and it reinforces my belief that the only parents who want to drag children to a wedding are the same type of neglectful and inattentive parents that don't even notice their child is running around and darting in and out of people.

All of this, except the giving DS's email out.
Why would you?
It just gives people the notion that their complaint is credible, & it's ok to chase up people who have decided not to invite you.

DS doesn't need to be fending off aggrieved emails from the socially gauche.

If my mother in law had asked to ‘check’ the guest list for my wedding, I’d have given a very firm ‘no’. And then been on alert for more meddling.

Answer prep is purely for the sake of smooth family relations, of course it’s not an exam!

‘Completely change the dynamic’ is a bit of an over reaction to a couple of extra guests on top of the current 50 😂

Plus It’s only an ‘offer’ so son and DIL can obvs refuse anyway.

I see you cut out the ‘don’t be pushy’ advice!

Have you got MIL issues?

I think before you gave the £3k, you should have set some ground rules, e.g. core family members who should be invited, niblings being invited etc.

I know that that’s an unfashionable view, but I think it’s fair, based on the fact that there is no one from your side invited.

If you’ve given £3k and bride has invited 40 of her family, then that’s not fair. If they’ve mainly invited their friends then that’s different.

We had originally invited 180 to our wedding including 2 friends for MiL who myself and my husband have never met. We done this as she does not have a partner and my parents who paid for half the wedding had asked if they could invite 2 couples who myself and my husband know well. This seemed fair to us.

We then had to cut numbers to 30 due to covid. This obviously meant huge family cuts and all of our parents invited guests could no longer come. My parents were very supportive and understanding.

MiL, who did not contribute a single penny, gave us a really hard time about her going 'on her own' despite her having her other kids and grandson there. I don't need to tell you this caused damage to our relationship...

Honestly, I would keep out of it and let them crack on. Whatever they have decided isn't your place to change or comment on so I don't see what good it would do

@curiousbanana it was in September. It was a wedding for 120 and the parents on both sides paid. Couple are under 30.

Had the B&G paid - they couldn't have had what they wanted or 80 friends because their budget wouldn't have stretched that far. I was thrilled that the B&G donated a sum equivalent to favours to MH and homeless charities and hope it takes off amongst their friends who thought it was a great idea.

I'm surprised there are people on here who think a young couple having a very lovely wedding, paid for by their parents, wouldn't wish to discuss the budget with their parents or would want to dictate which relatives or close family friends they have known all their lives were invited.

DH had to book the venue (linked to his job), I gave DIL's mother our guest list (18 including us). That was our involvement except for paying.

THIS!!

I can't believe some of the responses on here.

No doubt the DIL will be on here soon whining "my own MIL isn't giving up her life to provide free childcare for me" Yeah, she'll be bothered about her MIL later on down the line.

Can't have it both ways.

I think it would be reasonable to ask which members of your family are invited, purely so that you don't put your foot in it if you are talking to people over Christmas. But make it very clear that you're not asking because you think more should be invited.

I think you can have a discussion with them. Perhaps just be honest. ' I absolutely understand that it's your wedding and you ultimately have the final say but I think a few people might be offended if they're not invited. I am happy to contribute if it helps, but I think that if you would like to continue good relations with XXXX then it might be a good idea if you invite them.

You now need to separate your relationships with your relatives from your son's relationship with them. This is key. If your relatives are offended then it should be with your son, not you. You need to make it clear that you have not been involved with the guest list, you have not been consulted and the decision to exclude them has been your son's. Diplomatically of course.

As a parent I would point out to my son that it would be the kind and inclusive thing to do, and if you can help cost wise for him to maintain his support network then you are more than happy to help.

I would ask to have a chat about it and just say you're worried about potential repercussions of no family members invited. I wouldn't invite great great aunt mabel who you never see but there are certain family members who it would be very impolite not to invite. At our wedding we had lists from both sides about who 'needed' to be there and it pissed me off. I did invite them but still people were upset, so you can't win. Friendships come and go through life too, though they may not believe this yet, it's true. So really not worth upsetting important family members over it. We've been married 10 years and don't see any of the bridesmaids and half the people we invited, not even a happy anniversary! Whereas we do bump into family members occasionally, so even though I was pissed off at the time, my parents and in laws were right...handle with care though and from a non judgemental position...

both sets of parents contributed to ours. We could have 90 guests, so allocated half to our friends , and then each set of parents given a quarter. They told us who they wanted from that number. Seemed fair. I will say, we had friends there that we no longer see. Or friends who brought their current partner but it was just a passing relationship. So as I’ve got older, I can understand prioritising family.

£3k is clearly a lot of money to the OP. I agree, the OP shouldn't ask to see the guest list. However if it was important that certain relatives were invited and the money had conditions, this should have been discussed at the outset.

Once venues are booked, flexibility over numbers are set to the maximum the venue can hold.

You can ask, but be upfront and say - I’m not expecting you to have invited great aunt Gladys, but she might expect it so it would be great if I know so I can manage expectations.

This would be OK if you’d paid anything or not, but the fact that you have means that they should do you a favour in return and share the list.

But prefer yourself for few rellies - and do. not. comment. Do not ask for more people to be invited if you pay more - they want a friends focused wedding and that’s that. It’s fair enough to want to work towards a Solution for your daughter and childcare, but that should be about offering help for her rather than asking them to have her kids. Child free weddings are also now v common.

Non-interfering folks don't usually go around 'prepping answers' about invitation lists which are none of their business.

What do you mean "a couple of guests"? That's about your suggestion, it's got nowt to do with the reality of how many people OP is imagining will be offended & she thus needs to pay to inveigle onto the list.
It could easily be a dozen or more, which would totally change the dynamic of a 50-person do.
Besides - that's not the point. If the happy couple wanted these extra people - however many or few - THEY would have invited them.

I didn't cut out the ‘don’t be pushy’ advice! btw - I left it to stand on its own merits in your own post, as I agree with it.

Have you got MIL issues? 😂No, I don't even own a MiL. When I did, we got on great. I have issues with controlling people though. Bring me out in a rash, they do ...

Gosh there are some snippy, stroppy posters and brides on this thread.

I see nothing wrong with a conversation about the size of the wedding, who is and isn't invited etc. It's a normal conversation to have over Sunday lunch.

I would ask.
A friend didn't invite a couple of aunts on the grounds that they were very unlikely to attend as they lived too far away, but this did cause bad feeling with her parents. She did say that with the benefit of hindsight she wished she'd invited them .

I do think that although its their day, it's not good to exclude certain relatives, all things being equal.

My MIL gave her son (my now DH) a list of (distant- literally overseas in some cases) relatives she expected to be invited. My DH said he doesn't even know them and she refused to come to the wedding if they weren't invited even though it was going to add considerable cost to the wedding. I was prepared to call her bluff as I knew she'd never not come, but DH caved. I don't think he would now but back then he wasn't as strong as he is now.

I can guarantee you those relatives and friends weren't thinking happily and were wondering why you weren't supervising him. I bet you'd be screaming loudly if he was accidentally trod on, but couldn't care less about an elderly person trying to dodge a darting toddler and taking a fall and breaking bones! The fact you see absolutely nothing wrong with your inability to supervise your toddler is stunning and it reinforces my belief that the only parents who want to drag children to a wedding are the same type of neglectful and inattentive parents that don't even notice their child is running around and darting in and out of people.

Eh? You've made up a completely different scenario to what that poster described. How have you gathered this poster wasn't supervising her child and that he was darting in and out of people, risking Great Aunt Maud's hips?

I've been to many weddings, with and without kids. I'm yet to witness any accidents involving unsupervised darting toddlers and elderly relatives. I have however witnessed multiple generations having fun together including my own grandma dancing away with my great nephew (along with all the other grandchildren and great grandchildren).

Being aware of potential upset rellies and wanting to answer awkward questions correctly without deflection or blaming others isn’t ‘controlling’!

What a strange interpretation.

Oh I totally agree @Chewbecca.
For reasonable people, who can have general chitchat with nobody trying to manipulate the other party, or triangulate currently non-existent "offence" on behalf of third parties.

But when an OP pops up purely to ask if it's ok to ask to SEE the guest list, my Oho! Controlling Tactic alarms start sounding. OP hasn't been back for a while, & may not return - my hunch is she is either teasing us, or is getting a VERY different majority response than she was hoping for.

You sound like my mum when my brother got married. My advice was: keep out of it. Let them plan their own wedding. If anyone does make any comments to you about not being invited you have the perfect response "I wasn't involved in the planning/I had absolutely no say in the guest list/DS and DDIL planned the wedding entirely alone" you can even add in "it's been a nightmare they wouldn't let me choose the wedding dress or invite great aunt Annie 3 times removed either!"

My mother is a massive people pleaser and we don't mind her using us as scapegoats every now and then in this context. Allows her not to feel like the bad guy (which is all in her mind but still) and having some boundaries.

A toddler being anywhere near a dance floor where elderly people are dancing is a recipe for disaster. That really, should, one would think, not even needed to be pointed out. The point is he shouldn't have got anywhere near the dance floor if she was supervising him properly and kept him out of the way of adults.