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Original poster

Getting married abroad and feel bad asking people

122 replies

Emmy1990 · 02/11/2022 15:52

I am due to get married in the caribbean next November and have sent the save the dates out, but I am now worrying as i just feel terrible asking people to even consider spending money to fly out for our wedding given the current cost of living crisis.
I dont know whether to even send formal invites out and just leave it to close family? Or should we move the wedding to a later date or even scrap it being in the caribbean and move it closer to home.
Just dont know what to do. Can anyone think of how to word a message to those that i have sent save the dates to basically saying i would love you to join us but dont want anyone to feel pressured given the cost of living at the moment but do they think they would be able to attend?

Help :(

OP posts:
Fieldfly · 04/11/2022 07:42

Unfortunately the grandparents couldn’t come, that’s so sad.

Scepticalwotsits · 04/11/2022 07:45

If you are getting married abroad, and have a list of must attends then I think it’s on the bride and groom to cover the flights and hotels for at least the period around the wedding (if people want to stay longer they can choose to pay)

but to have a destination wedding and expect all the guest to pay their way is being cheap.

if you cannot afford paying for them either get married and then have a reception with everyone at home or do it back in the UK where people can attend

SimonaRazowska · 04/11/2022 07:45

Depends if your friends and family are all wealthy and up for travel

i would not go, unless it was one of my siblings (and I had the money)

do they all have to pay hotel themselves as well?

I got married in my DH birth country (England) and I paid for 2 nights at a hotel for all my friends and family who came over.

Langsdestiny · 04/11/2022 07:47

The only peoples marriage I would attend in that situation would be my childrens, I wouldn't attend for any other family members.

CaronPoivre · 04/11/2022 07:51

Fieldfly · 04/11/2022 07:42

Unfortunately the grandparents couldn’t come, that’s so sad.

I don’t think they’d have come if it was three miles away from their house, to be fair. Not exactly indulgent and adoring grandparents.

Changingplace · 04/11/2022 07:52

We got married abroad in a European destination but it was a decade ago.

One of the reasons was that I had no interest in a huge wedding & would’ve been happy with the two of us & witnesses at a registry office so it was a compromise because DH wanted a big traditional wedding and that wasn’t for me.

We checked our parents could make it, (if they’d said no we’d have rethought it) and put no pressure on anyone else whatsoever.

We invited people on the basis of this is happening, you have the option of making a holiday of it but if you don’t/can’t come it’s no bother at all.

We didn’t have a party at home afterwards, to me that would’ve defeated the objective of having a small wedding, if we’d got married in the Uk there’s bound to have been some people who couldn’t make it & we wouldn’t have had another party for them!

knittingaddict · 04/11/2022 07:54

I would possibly go if it was someone I was very close to and they had a good reason for having the wedding abroad ie family connections or they lived there. If you just fancied a destination wedding then it would be a no.

To be honest I don't really understand going abroad to get married and inviting loads of people. If you want to go to that country then have your honeymoon there.

If you want to get married with minimal friends and family then go for it.

Waterfallstop · 04/11/2022 07:56

A winter, peak season Carribean holiday is up there for a lot of people in the holiday of a lifetime camp. It is a massive ask of people to commit to this.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 04/11/2022 08:02

Have the wedding you want, wherever you want, just make sure you decide which is most important to you first - celebrating with your friends and family or celebrating in the Caribbean.

If you’ve sent out save the dates, you have to invite those people even if you know they’re unlikely to come to a destination wedding. It would be much worse in terms of making you feel bad if you didn’t invite people you’d send save the dates to than it would if you just invited them to come somewhere far away.

daretodenim · 04/11/2022 08:03

In the current financial climate, if I received the invite I'd be happy for you (very), but I'd think that your destination was more important to you than me being there. Previously I'd have tried to make it.

I'd go for UK a wedding and Caribbean honeymoon these days, unless the location is actually more important than who is there.

SmokedHaddockChowder · 04/11/2022 08:08

@Razzle5
I said to my SIL that if she got married abroad, we would not attend. I'm not using my savings and a week of annual leave on celebrating someone else's special day!

"I wonder how she felt when you said this to her!"

No idea. She survived. That's the thing you see, weddings aren't life or death 🤷🏼‍♀️

narkyspirit · 04/11/2022 08:08

my sister got married in Antigua, I was pressured to go by family who knew we where struggling for money at the time. we went but. arrive the night before the ceremony and left the morning after the ceremony. we spent at the time less than £1,000 to attend and was told we where selfish for not staying longer!!!

no longer speak to them

musingsinmidlife · 04/11/2022 08:09

I do find destination weddings to be pretty self centred. It basically puts the cost of the wedding on the guests rather than the bride and groom. And in one case it was a close friend for me who would have been very upset if I didn’t attend yet the package you had to buy was really expensive. I don’t like being expected to put out thousands to see you get married.

I think people should get married where they want but then don’t invite people. It puts guests in a difficult position and is a pretty arrogant position. Have a party at home.

rookiemere · 04/11/2022 08:12

Why do you want to get married in the Caribbean OP?

If it's because it's cheaper than getting married in the UK and you get a holiday built in, then that's a big clue that you're pushing most of the cost onto your guests.

If the DPs and future ILs are happy to pay to come, then they may well be happy to contribute to a UK wedding that everybody can attend.

rookiemere · 04/11/2022 08:13

Oh sorry other thing I was going to say, if you do change your mind to not have wedding abroad, let people know asap.

If I got the invitation and wanted to come, I'd book everything as soon as it was available so that I'd get the cheapest price and could budget to pay for it over a year.

notanothertakeaway · 04/11/2022 08:17

Dinoteeth · 02/11/2022 16:24

If its an outdoor wedding you want you could try your luck in Scotland but no guarantee of being able to get the weather.

@Dinoteeth That's a bit random ! Scotland is beautiful, but it's not quite the same as the Caribbean..... And if OP is in eg England, then I expect she has other outdoor options

OP - I think it's a little unfair to even ask immediate family to join you overseas, unless you're sure that (1) they can afford it, or are comfortable with you paying, and (2) it's somewhere they would wish to go. Annual leave / funds are precious

Razzle5 · 04/11/2022 08:18

because I'd already decided getting married in the Caribbean mattered more to me than people being there.

goodness!!

Changingplace · 04/11/2022 08:19

If you want to get married with minimal friends and family then go for it.

Some people want exactly that :)

One of the reasons we got married abroad was I had no interest whatsoever in a massive wedding, the idea filled me with dread.

TiaraBoo · 04/11/2022 08:20

I’d be assuming you didn’t want guests to come if you were getting married in the Caribbean.
Its a huge amount of money, travel and annual leave - to go somewhere they have not chosen to go to.
So even if I had the money, I would be choosing my own travel plans.

SunshineAndFizz · 04/11/2022 08:23

Unless you're offering to pay for people's flights and accommodation, asking them to go to the Caribbean for a week is outrageous.

Silvercatowner · 04/11/2022 08:31

I know I'm old and that may have something to do with it, but I just don't get this. Why would you plan a wedding ceremony that excludes many of your family and friends? And/or puts them under pressure to make a decision whether to accept? Aren't weddings about celebrating with loved ones? Of course, it's different if you have family living at the destination.

Littlebluedinosaur · 04/11/2022 08:33

Did your save the dates make it clear it would be a ‘destination wedding’? Why are you getting married abroad? Just have it at home and go on honeymoon there instead.

LIZS · 04/11/2022 08:34

If having a ceremony in an exotic location is more important to you than your family and friends attending fair enough. But you may find yourself regretting that annoying distant auntie accepts but good friends can't.

sunshineandshowers40 · 04/11/2022 08:35

If I was getting married abroad, I would only invite immediate family and would understand if they couldn't attend.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/11/2022 08:39

AuntieMarys · 02/11/2022 15:56

I wouldnt attend a wedding abroad even if it was a family member.

@AuntieMarys

you sound fun

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