Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

Getting married abroad and feel bad asking people

122 replies

Emmy1990 · 02/11/2022 15:52

I am due to get married in the caribbean next November and have sent the save the dates out, but I am now worrying as i just feel terrible asking people to even consider spending money to fly out for our wedding given the current cost of living crisis.
I dont know whether to even send formal invites out and just leave it to close family? Or should we move the wedding to a later date or even scrap it being in the caribbean and move it closer to home.
Just dont know what to do. Can anyone think of how to word a message to those that i have sent save the dates to basically saying i would love you to join us but dont want anyone to feel pressured given the cost of living at the moment but do they think they would be able to attend?

Help :(

OP posts:
pastabakeonaplate · 04/11/2022 06:15

Even pre cost of living crisis there would be people who wouldn't want to or couldn't spend shit loads of money for your wedding. No matter how much they want to be there it would be impossible for some people or cause them real stress. If you want to go and get married abroad then fine, the two of you go and get married abroad but it's really unfair to put this pressure on your family.

40andfit · 04/11/2022 06:16

Even when there isn’t an economic crisis one years notice probably isn’t enough, many people may have already comittede their holiday money and work holiday time.

Dinoteeth · 04/11/2022 06:16

If you really don't want people to feel pressured move it back to the UK unless one of you has family links to the Caribbean.

I can't think how you word a message without cynical people reading it as "I've changed my mind I don't want you to come".

Might be much better to speak with people in person.

Winter2020 · 04/11/2022 06:22

We didn't attend a close family wedding in the Carribbean. (Husbands sister). Our budget is more taking our tent to a campsite and our credit cards are already hefty. One suggestion (not from the bride or groom) was that we "just save £100 a week for a year or two" - so our food budget then? I didn't want to cut our spending to the bone for several years to go to a wedding.

They had a lovely time though and most other close family made it.

I think a destination wedding is a cheap wedding for the bride and groom and a hugely expensive one for everyone else. Fine if you are OK with people not coming. Don't pressure them to.

Stopsnowing · 04/11/2022 06:29

It doesn’t make sense to half heartedly invite people knowing most won’t or can’t be there. Have a small ceremony there if you must and have a party when you get back.

SchrodingersKettle · 04/11/2022 06:30

Personally I'd rethink and get married in the UK. November is not a great time of year for a UK wedding so i might rethink the date too!

My DH and i were keen on getting married in Europe (lots of DH's family there) but we discovered my dad had terminal cancer so we scaled down the whole thing, sped it up and had a small wedding in a village near our home. It ended up being a perfect day, and when my dad died a few months later I had all these lovely memories and no regrets.

I would hate to make anyone uncomfortable for my wedding and money is so tight... i wouldnt want to dictate someone's annual holiday...plus there's a climate crisis so it does seem a bit selfish to fly a big group across the world when most of them wouldnt have gone by choice.

Fieldfly · 04/11/2022 06:32

A Caribbean holiday would be a one off ‘trip of a lifetime’ for us. I wouldn’t want it to be for someone’s wedding in a place not of my choice. As a pp has said destination weddings move the cost from the couple to their guests so it’s a huge ask, unless you are paying for their flights and accommodation. After parties are never the same and always feel a bit ‘b-list’ - it’s the watching the couple get married that’s special and why the reception feels significant. A party later us just a party and imo, having been to a few they can feel very flat or a bit fake. IMO your feelings show that you realise it’s a huge thing to expect of people - why not have your wedding here and enjoy a guilt-free relaxing honeymoon.

ellsbells5 · 04/11/2022 06:34

I find weddings boring enough as it is never mind having to go abroad for one! I would love it closer to home.

OperaStation · 04/11/2022 06:35

There will inevitably be people who feel obliged to go and spend thousands of pounds that they can’t afford to spend. Not everyone will feel they can turn down the invite, especially not close family. For that reason alone I think you are very selfish to even consider it.

By all means get married abroad but don’t send out invites. Have a separate party for friends and family when you get home.

PatsyJStone · 04/11/2022 07:06

We're getting married and chose Europe so that if people did want to come it wouldn't have the same financial impact as a Caribbean wedding - which would've been our first choice. Less holiday, travelling time, cost etc. for a closer country.
We involved our friends and family from the planning stage and they knew before the invites went out.
We're very lucky and have a lot of people coming choosing it as an option for their own holiday while fitting in our wedding.
It is still not cheap and all depends on the financial circumstances of your guests.
Being middle aged or older many of ours are in a position they can afford it but if you've got 20s/30s who may also have children it will be a cost they may struggle with.
Hope it all works out!
Not RTFT so someone may have suggested the same.

Rewis · 04/11/2022 07:07

What's the priority? Getting married in the Caribbean or having your nearest and dearest present? That will define how you should go about.with your wedding planning.

Fieldfly · 04/11/2022 07:12

Patsy - that’s what they are telling you anyway! How can you know what they actually think? A relative of mine got married in a European country on a weekday (saved them money, cost everyone else a couple of days off work) - one that they actually have a connection with, but not where they / we live. I’m sure they think we thought it was great - and it was a lovely day but a pita and very expensive. I still feel annoyed about it a decade later.

PatsyJStone · 04/11/2022 07:13

Sorry, getting to the wording, we made it very clear from the start we would be privileged if they could come but completely understood if not, and also should circumstances change over the year leading up to the wedding.
We're older but some are young enough to still be having babies!
Was also asked about wedding gifts and have said absolutely not, no cash, nothing. Just being there with us is a gift. We are not loaded by any means but it's our choice and we're so happy people are coming that's the best gift.

Razzle5 · 04/11/2022 07:14

SmokedHaddockChowder · 04/11/2022 06:14

@Razzle5 excellent, I think the world of her. She got married in the UK in the end and it was FABULOUS!

I said to my SIL that if she got married abroad, we would not attend. I'm not using my savings and a week of annual leave on celebrating someone else's special day!

I wonder how she felt when you said this to her!

PatsyJStone · 04/11/2022 07:16

Fieldfly - we know our friends very well. They know their own minds and would say if it didn't suit them. These aren't distant cousins we never see.

That's your view, maybe your friends & family wouldn't speak up. Ours would. They are all very happy.

Fieldfly · 04/11/2022 07:24

Patsy - it’s not such an issue with friends, it’s the close relatives who really, desperately WANT to see a couple get married and feel obliged to be there and don’t want to upset the happy couple. I wouldn’t have dreamt of saying anything to my relative other than ‘so exciting’ etc, but DH and I definitely grumbled to each other!

CaronPoivre · 04/11/2022 07:26

It will depend on your family and friends situations and preferences. Only you will know how they might react - and if you don’t, I’d talk to them before committing. Horrid to have people not be able to come and the Caribbean is a big ask in terms of both money and time.
That said, one of ours married this year in France. 110 out of 140 invited attended. It was fabulous. The downside was the grandparents couldn’t all come (mid 80s rather than early 70s), some people didn’t have sufficient leave, there was disappointment that a relative said they couldn’t afford it but went off for three weeks in Greece a fortnight later.
There were also complications with travel as the Eurostar and planes home were cancelled. Any issues in France were harder to sort, sourcing providers of specific services was harder and it was a bit ‘jumping into the unknown’ with florists, bands and hairdressers.

Go for it if you want but be prepared for a few complications and disappointments.

Razzle5 · 04/11/2022 07:28

The downside was the grandparents couldn’t all come (mid 80s rather than early 70s),

that “downside” would have been enough for me to not want to go abroad if I was close to them.

astronewt · 04/11/2022 07:32

Honestly, when I made the decision to get married in the Caribbean, I would have made it knowing that it was totally unreasonable to ask anyone to travel that far for my wedding, and that I would therefore not be asking anyone except maybe both sets of parents, because I'd already decided getting married in the Caribbean mattered more to me than people being there.

Make your decision. If you're set on the Carribbean, tell everyone you're having the ceremony just the two of you and you'll be having a small party at home after. Or move it.

PatsyJStone · 04/11/2022 07:32

Fieldfly - both families are extremely small, so that is not an issue, majority are good friends who we had open discussions with from the initial idea of going abroad. Their reactions from the start and input helped us to plan it.

OldReliable · 04/11/2022 07:32

Overseas weddings baffle me. To me a wedding is something you include your loved ones. Have the wedding here and go on honeymoon to the carribbean. Some people will feel obliged to go despite you saying you don't expect them to (very close family and friends, for eg) A carribbean holiday could easily run into the thousands - all to satisfy someone else's dream. It's selfish.

rookiemere · 04/11/2022 07:35

If you really want to get married in the Caribbean, I'd ask closest relatives only and only if you're sure they can afford the price (£3-4 per person?) comfortably.

Or indeed ask them what they would prefer, they may genuinely be happy enough to pay the money and have a holiday and come along. But if they're not, then you need to be prepared to receive that response graciously and not exert any pressure on anyone to attend, unless you plan to pay for their trip yourselves.

Then a party when you get home. Close friends did this and had an evening celebration- they got married alone for various reasons- and the evening do was joyful and they shared pictures from the wedding.

Good luck with it all, whatever you decide.

Allsnotwell · 04/11/2022 07:39

I’d be worried that you’d end up with an odd mix of attendees and not the right mix for the whole week!

It is a big ask and if you are considering the cost of living then your guests can’t afford it - very different if they are all affluent.

I would t do it and I would want them forking out a fortune for a holiday, and they aren’t people I would put up with for a week!

RedToothBrush · 04/11/2022 07:40

I think its an unreasonable request to even invite people abroad for a wedding tbh. The exception to that is if previously discussed and family members are up for it.

If you want to do it, elope and then have a do in the uk. (or don't - we didn't)

Honestly, I think its massively self indulgent and inconsiderate to marry abroad and invite others. It sets up a situation of people feeling obliged to come or genuinely unable and huge amounts of resentment from that.

DillDanding · 04/11/2022 07:41

I think it’s too much pressure, at any time.

we got married in the Caribbean and didn’t invite anyone at all. We had a party when we got home. Perfect.

Swipe left for the next trending thread