Getting married abroad and feel bad asking people

[Emmy1990]

I am due to get married in the caribbean next November and have sent the save the dates out, but I am now worrying as i just feel terrible asking people to even consider spending money to fly out for our wedding given the current cost of living crisis.
I dont know whether to even send formal invites out and just leave it to close family? Or should we move the wedding to a later date or even scrap it being in the caribbean and move it closer to home.
Just dont know what to do. Can anyone think of how to word a message to those that i have sent save the dates to basically saying i would love you to join us but dont want anyone to feel pressured given the cost of living at the moment but do they think they would be able to attend?

Help :(

By all means have a Carribean wedding but I'd just go the two of you. Throw a big party in a nearby venue to home once you are back - can still wear your wedding attire, have a sideshow running of the photos, cut a cake etc

@musingsinmidlife I totally
Agree with this. I don't think everyone does it for these reasons (I've been to weddings where the family come from/ live in Europe).

But I do think unless the couple are taking the burden of cost away from the guests (paying for accommodation and sorting a lot of logistics out) it's a vanity project for the bride and groom that everyone else has to pay for, which I don't mind if the invite comes with a massive disclaimer 'we totally get it if you can't come etc etc.' What I can't stand is when the bride gets in a mood if you can't afford to come!

You will just need to decide your priority. If getting married in the Caribbean is the most important, great but you have to accept that it could be a small number of guests. If having your friends and family there is most important you have to make it easy for them to attend, i.e., close to where most live, pref a weekend!

@Lcb123

nah it costs too much to have a wedding at the weekend. It’s thousands more!

Exactly.

OP, it ultimately depends on how much money your friends and family have. I would happily fly to the Caribbean for the wedding of a good friend (and almost did, before it was cancelled) and stay for longer and make it a holiday, but I have other friends who I know won’t be able to afford it. So think about their financial positions and whether or not they would be able to go.

Get married wherever you want but now you've sent the save the date out can you now not invite people?
If you are set on your wedding, then have it with whomever comes and then have a bigger reception at home. My BIL did this - he married an Australian there and had a second reception back in the UK - she even wore her wedding dress at it!

It depends why you are getting married in the Caribbean. My husband and I got married in Spain but I am Spanish and if we hadn't celebrated there my side of the family due to health reasons wouldn't have been able to come here, my grandma was 96 at the time and reduced mobility and I was her first granddaughter to get married and most probably the only one she will see getting married as my other cousin is much younger.
We organised the wedding in a way that it was out of season so flights were cheap, arranged special rates with hotels (the most expensive one was 45€ with breakfast and sea view), arranged transportation from the airport, to and from the wedding venue, free bar at the wedding, had a pre wedding party with free bar and food, scheduled the time of the wedding so people could arrive the same day in the morning and leave the day after...I also understood that some people wouldn't be able to make for different reasons, but the same year (2019) a friend of my husband organised his 30th birthday in Spain during the August bank holiday and wanted everyone to go

I would hate to get an invitation to a wedding abroad. Even if there was a note saying no obligation, I'd still end up feeling awful if I couldn't afford to go. I'd also then feel paranoid that the bride would observe all the money I spent on other stuff and think badly of me.
I think destination weddings should be for the couple only.

Exactly @Sarahcoggles like the pp re an abroad wedding there was disappointment that a relative said they couldn’t afford it but went off for three weeks in Greece a fortnight later.
How dare they use their money and annual leave to do what they want!

Agreed!

I could afford a holiday I wanted to go on instead of one forced onto me

I think if you really want people to come then you should get married near home. Unless all your people are really wealthy & have a lot of time.

Or have your small so abroad & rent a room for a party near home maybe after.

I wouldn't spend the money & time going to a Caribbean wedding for anyone I know right now, family included!

I just know England has some weird rules about venues needing to be licensed to hold a wedding.

Scotland doesn't, it holds the view 'church' is a body of people who can meet anywhere. So all you need is someone to agree to your 'anywhere' and probably have a backup plan incase the weather doesn't play ball.

Because you actually want a very small wedding, can’t stand the thought of a big busy day and are inwardly relieved with every decline that you get?

Just me probably, but those were genuine reasons - a wedding is for the couple getting married & if I could’ve persuaded DH to go to a registry office with random witnesses I would’ve done!

And we put nobody under any pressure - anyone deciding to get married abroad who whinges people can’t come is completely unreasonable.

Well that's just bizarre. If you want a small wedding then don't invite many people???

Just don't put guests under pressure to spend money they haven't got.

(Honestly the older I get the more out of step I feel with the world).

Having a destination wedding and not inviting anyone/inviting a select, small group but saying please don’t feel obliged to come isn’t putting people under pressure, though. If I had an invite to a wedding abroad that said if you can’t afford it don’t come I’d take that at face value. Same as an invite that said no gifts. If people feel pressure despite being told there are no obligations that’s their issue!

@Dinoteeth ah, got it now, thanks for explaining

I wouldn't go. I just think they are a massive, self centred imposition! Nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do.

My holidays are precious and I dont want to spend them with other people's friends. Quite honestly my idea of hell.

My money is precious - I want to spend it on my family not on your whim! You want to get married, not me. Why am I spending 1000's?

I don't want to have my dogs looked after for your benefit

My children come before you. If it's school holidays, you're doubling the cost. If it's not, I'm not going to the Caribbean and leaving them on their own, am I?

Sounds like you're realising much of this though. Maybe compromise?

I felt pretty bad asking people to travel for two hours to our wedding (though we did put on a coach both ways) - especially as it was my husband who wanted the countryside wedding! But I never considered a wedding abroad because there would have been no way any of my friends could have afforded it - also I just didn't want to do that anyway.

I think destination weddings are OK as long as you don't mind keeping it small and know that everyone can afford it and is likely to genuinely want to be there for you - or if it's somewhere a lot of one side of family lives, or there's a grandparent who can't travel etc, so there's a genuine reason to have it there.

As I said quite clearly, we didn’t put pressure on anyone whatsoever to do anything at all.

"We would really love to have you at our wedding, but understand that cost and annual leave implications may make it impossible for many people. We will be having a party back home to celebrate with those who can't make it"

Or just move it to the UK, unless you have family in the Caribbean.

Thanks everyone for your replies they have been really helpful.
Also just to add, I have family that live there so that is one of the reasons behind the decision to get married there :) x