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Original poster

Wedding in Australia but no children allowed

179 replies

Dinoswearunderpants · 01/09/2022 14:27

Hi all

One of my best friends is getting married and I'm thrilled for her. She lives in Australia and the wedding is there.

She has dropped the bomb that no children are allowed. I'll be travelling from the UK with my 2 year old.

The options would be for me to go to the wedding alone (hubby will be at home as can't afford to attend) so my LO could stay with him but I hate the thought of leaving him. I honestly don't really see this as an option.

Other option is to attend and she said she is looking at babysitting options. She mentioned this would be at a hotel, not the venue. I feel highly uncomfortable with this too.

I asked whether she'd consider getting a creche service at the venue. I said I'd be happy to chip in and pay and she also said there will be more children who would attend.

Strangely she said little ones can attend the ceremony as it's outside but can't attend the reception as the venue has limited numbers.

She will have people travelling from UK and New Zealand.

I feel so torn as I'd love to attend but it's such a dilemma.

Also we're very close friends and I would hope I might be a bridesmaid. I think perhaps if I'm not asked to be a bridesmaid then that might make my decision easier.

This is going to me thousands of pounds to attend. Obviously if I go on my own, then it will cost less as only one plane ticket.

What would you do?

OP posts:

CroccyWoccy · 02/09/2022 04:02

I think there’s a bit of a double standard here. The idea of being without your DS is so unthinkable that you’re willing to endure the cost, inconvenience and stress of taking him with you. Yet your DH is supposed to be just fine with you taking his son to the other side of the world for three weeks?

To be honest your whole attitude seems to be quite self-centred, and you expect to be able to have your cake and eat it. You’re expecting to be a bridesmaid despite the fact it’s fairly obvious you’d have been consulted earlier if that were the case. You’re expecting your friend to change the wedding plans to accommodate you with a crèche. You want to take a two year old on a long flight and endure horrible jet lag so that you won’t have to miss him, and you aren’t considering that your DH will miss him himself.

CroccyWoccy · 02/09/2022 04:07

deeperthanallroses · 02/09/2022 03:50

Good for you remaker! When my bil got married in oz and we came over from the uk they had a child free wedding. They didn’t tell us until we had arrived, a week out from the wedding. No exceptions for us. We had a 6mo who wouldn’t take a bottle or eat food, so breastfeeding was the only option. 6mo is at school now but I still remember that, and they have no idea how close I came to not going, because I had no other options.

Show quote history

Whoah that’s outrageous, how awful! Babes in arms are generally excluded from stipulations about child free weddings anyway, then to not tell you until a week before when you’d travelled to the other side of the world….!

What did you end up doing?

VioletToes · 02/09/2022 04:13

This just seems bonkers 😂

Have you done the flight before? I have, numerous times, with young DC and it's shit. It's shitter than shit. I do it to see family and go for at least a month.

3 weeks, stopping in Dubai/Singapore also? You clearly aren't thinking this through.

Sorry but your DF doesn't really care if you are there or not. Great if you can come on your own, but tough if you want to bring your DS because he's not invited.

Why would you spend so much money on that 🤷

helogast · 02/09/2022 05:02

I'm not sure I would be comfortable leaving my DS with a baby sitter but different if it was professional crèche.

If this was me I'd be thinking either not to go or to leave DS at home with DH for the week. Is there any option for him to take him on holiday with his other children or not really?

Or could you just attend the ceremony and not the reception as a half way house? I appreciate it might be a long way to go just for the ceremony but you get to see your friend get married and have your extended holiday with your DS. Unless the couple are off on honeymoon straight away perhaps you could see her in one of the days following the wedding?

It might also be worth noting that if she was to ask you to be a bridesmaid she may be waiting to see if you are attending first. I got married abroad (I was living there at the time and it was my husband's home country), I didn't want to put pressure on a good friend to come (she had a young child) by asking her to be a bridesmaid so I waited until she made her decision first. I'm sure others would have a different view but it felt right to me.

Some have said that it's unreasonable of your friend not to make an allowance for your child because you are travelling so far but that may put her in an awkward position with others. At the end of the day it's her wedding so the arrangements of who may or may not attend are up to the couple but your friend should understand if you decide not to go.

MaggieFS · 02/09/2022 09:13

Bloody hell @deeperthanallroses that's awful. Much as I wouldn't want to cause a fuss as a guest in the run up to a wedding, at that point I would have done!

pimlicoanna · 02/09/2022 09:26

I just wouldn't go. I'm sure she's banking on people in your situation not going in order to keep the numbers down!

Original poster

Dinoswearunderpants · 02/09/2022 11:00

Thanks all for the responses.

I've been so surprised by some of the responses.

I have flown long haul alone with DS before. We went to NYC, it was fine. I am one of these parents that doesn't get into a flap if their child has a melt down, it happens.

Some may say that's inconvenient to other travellers however I don't care. My son isn't a robot and will have various emotions during a flight. He has travelled well in the past so can only hope the same for the future.

As for double-standards about taking him away from DH, you're right. I acknowledge this and that's why I'm now swaying towards either going alone it not at all.

I'm fortunate enough to be in a financial position where I can afford us all to go however DH said he's rather not go as it messes up the dates with his kids which I respect.

Thanks again for the responses and hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

OP posts:

beebopper6 · 02/09/2022 12:40

It's a no-brainier to me. Go alone and let DS have a lovely bonding time with his Dad.

I've gone on ten day work trips when my DD was less than 2 and left her with her grandma, they had a great time.

deeperthanallroses · 02/09/2022 13:42

@CroccyWoccy my dad came along in the end, there was a spare room upstairs (and I insisted on a meal for him). He couldn’t look after ds at his home for the ebf reason and because he isn’t baby focused - even in a 3x4m room when I popped up to check I found baby rolled over by the wall and dad reading his book… at home he’d have wandered off and forgotten him (dad is great and very loving, just more book focussed than babies) I haven’t forgotten though, you don’t forget that kind of stress, especially with your first baby! I dont think I saw them again that trip, I didn’t trust myself .

ouch321 · 02/09/2022 14:06

"Dropped a bomb"????

Why would you assume your kids were invited?

When you invite someone to something it doesn't mean you plus any family members you might feel like bringing along it just means you.

And you've said in your first post that your husband is staying in the UK so why can't he look after him at home?

You're just looking for a reason to stir up a fuss. You don't sound much like her friend at all.

mathanxiety · 02/09/2022 16:38

@ouch321 what a silly post.

The wedding is in Australia. Friends don't invite mothers of toddlers to weddings in Australia and expect husbands to take time off work to facilitate that kind of vanity project. A wedding outside the country is an enormous ask at the best of times, but one in Australia where the OP is expected to pay a fortune for travel and accommodation and then leave her child with a total stranger on the day itself is taking the piss.

mathanxiety · 02/09/2022 16:48

@Dinoswearunderpants if you've had the experience of your DS having the odd meltdown while traveling, maybe pause a minute to ask yourself if he's being put through a little more stress than he can handle as he globetrots with you?

stealthbanana · 02/09/2022 16:49

I find all this “LEAVING HIM WITH A TOTAL STRANGER IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY” incredibly dramatic.

there are of course ways to vet a nanny/babysitter perfectly easily if that’s what you want to do. It sounds like you can bring your son to the ceremony and then drop him at the hotel (where he will be asleep fairly quickly anyway!) while you go and enjoy yourself. Ask your friend to connect you with some of her local friends who have children, all of whom will have multiple recommendations for trusted sitters.

personally I’d be tempted to just go by myself but if you really can’t leave DS just bring him and find appropriate childcare. It’s really not difficult at all.

LondonLovie · 02/09/2022 16:51

Frizzzmonster · 01/09/2022 14:34

I couldn't think of anything worse then taking a 2 year old to Australia assuming you ar ein the UK. Two long haul flights with a tantrummer would be hell

This.. and you'd hardly be able to relax at the meal/ party afterwards and let you hair down. I'd Defo either go alone or not go

LondonLovie · 02/09/2022 16:53

And it's their wedding and their choice. No kids is entirely up to the bridal party. It's not for you to approve or not their decision. However, Whether you go is entirely up to you.

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 17:05

I am one of these parents that doesn't get into a flap if their child has a melt down, it happens.

I am one of these parents that tries to avoid my child becoming so overwhelmed they end up having a melt down I suspect you mean tantrum though in the first place and it is exhausting.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/09/2022 17:11

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 17:05

I am one of these parents that doesn't get into a flap if their child has a melt down, it happens.

I am one of these parents that tries to avoid my child becoming so overwhelmed they end up having a melt down I suspect you mean tantrum though in the first place and it is exhausting.

@mattressspring

kids can have tantrum in supermarkets

not gonna tip toe round my kids to avoid them tantrumming

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 17:39

kids can have tantrum in supermarkets

not gonna tip toe round my kids to avoid them tantrumming

Well that's neither what I said nor relevant to the context of OP and her 'I am one of these parents' as if she is somehow better than the rest.

JubileeTrifle · 02/09/2022 17:42

Personally I think if I’d asked someone to travel to the other side of the world I might make some allowances, especially if I wanted them to come.

What if she does get a babysitter and DC doesn’t settle or they don’t turn up! Is she just going to sit in a hotel room and not go.

Pinkcadillac · 02/09/2022 23:38

The wedding is in Australia because the couple live there, it’s not a destination wedding.

SucculentSunshine · 04/09/2022 11:34

No way I’d be going to Oz for anything other than a decent three week family holiday. I couldn’t go all that way without my family and couldn’t justify the expense.

Meem321 · 04/09/2022 12:53

You're not going to be a bridesmaid. If you were, you'd have been asked by now.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/09/2022 13:59

SucculentSunshine · 04/09/2022 11:34

No way I’d be going to Oz for anything other than a decent three week family holiday. I couldn’t go all that way without my family and couldn’t justify the expense.

@SucculentSunshine

you’re not joined at the hip to your family when you get married and have kids and its a lot cheaper for one to go than a family

FloppyFlippy · 04/09/2022 14:03

I absolutely love destination weddings and always accept any invites I get. However in this case I would decline, it’s cheeky asking someone to travel to the other side of the road and then not accommodate their DC.

Original poster

Dinoswearunderpants · 27/09/2022 15:13

I just thought I'd give you an update. I've decided I won't attend the wedding.

Either way it felt like a lose lose situation for me. I appreciate all the input and opinions from you all.

OP posts:

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