What to do about narc MIL on the day

[Prunel]

I do not get on with MIL for various reasons
shes just not very nice
she is coming to our very small (20 people) wedding
I’m worried about her lashing out because she isn’t the centre of attention, either angrily or ‘jokingly’ doing something to try to degrade me to make herself feel better.

Normally when we see her she makes a lot of comments, which I’m dreading hearing all day.
Some recent examples:

-Oh you look much better now you’ve lost the weight, you were getting quite fat werent you

-(Unprovoked) maybe in the future you’ll be able to afford a better car. I’ll let you buy mine, maybe if you can afford it.

-I know you’re not really career focused, but have you considered trying to get a better job, yours is just not going anywhere. Why don’t you want to achieve things?

They’re rude but not direct insults. If politely challenged, I am being too sensitive. She was ‘only saying’ or ‘what?! is what I said not true? You were fat before!’ or ‘wow you are so difficult I just can’t say anything right can I’

Just to say, I have a decent job, an old car admittedly, and I went from a size 10 to an 8 so hardly fat. On the other hand BIL has a flashy car and she’s always telling him that he’s wasting his money and it’s embarrassing he’s so vain, and SIL has a very successful job and she’s always being told her values are wrong, why is she so grabby and money focused. So I think she is just insulting for the sake of it, it’s not genuine concern or advice.

sometimes once she gets going it can be insult after insult after insult. I’m worried she will start on my family and friends too.

Fiance has offered to talk to her before the wedding but I don’t think that will achieve anything. We don’t see her much otherwise.
i just sometimes think about it and dread the day a bit which is making me quite sad that she’s a bit of a cloud on our happy day!

should I just try to rise above it? How do I do that??

hopefully she just has a good day talking about how important she is as grooms mum but that may be wishful thinking

I’d be trying my hardest to avoid her. Just keep dodging her - pop to the loo, go and check on something with the venue, brief all your lot to rescue you from her.

Could you try a “That’s nice dear” with a pat on the arm of you are feeling brave?

if she sees it’s being brushed off pleasantly she may give up ( I hope)

Give her a job. A shitty job that has no real meaning… maybe the guest book and hammer home how grateful you are for her and how you can’t trust anyone else to do it.

she’ll be so inflated with importance that she’ll forget all about you.

A group of us tagged teams, kept giving her lots of different people to talk to and get attention from and this then deflected from her getting I'm and annoying the bride and groom! Switched around frequently as v draining!

Sorry you're having to deal with that, she sounds awful. My BIL is like that and I found agreeing with his insults put a stop to them. He might make a comment about how much I'd eaten and I'd say God yeah I'm being such a pig today, I should really stop before I get any fatter. I wasn't actually eating that much and I'm slim but do have a history of disordered eating so he was trying to hit me where it hurt. It would annoy me but I refused to let him know this.

Just mention you are worried about her because being nasty all the time can be the first sign of dementia.

How awful, sorry OP.

You might do well to start a thread in Relationships about the wider issue and your DP's reluctance to see her for who she is is, and believe things can be fixed if only he did or said the right thing.

Your priority for your wedding day should definitely be to have others ensure you see as little of her as possible. You shouldn't have to be worried about avoiding her, on your wedding day. Ensure others take care of that. And have some stock phrases or excuses up your sleeve to escape if you do end up with her.

What are you doing about photos, and seating plan? Narcs will take any opportunity to make it about them - I've seen people switch around seating places to ensure they are sat in a suitably predominant spot before at weddings - so make sure you've got some primed to manage her with that and plan everything so she can't take advantage and jump into every photo for example.

Good luck!

This is a really good idea. Involve her!

This, stony silence is a simple yet effective tactic.

Or put a laxative in her tea the morning of (NOT A SERIOUS SUGGESTION - however, a spicy curry the night before is fair game)

Some people are so rude the only way to beat them is to join them.

'I might let you buy my car'
'How kind MIL, but I don't think it's quite OUR taste'

Give yourself points for every our and the constant reminder you will be around forever.

Another tactic is to ask her to explain herself say 'sorry'? Get her to repeat or explain, maybe more than once, look perplexed, this gives you valuable thinking time, if lost for words, don't comment at all, say...mmm thoughtfully and ideally change the subject. Will frustrate the hell out of her.

I'd just stay out of her way. Avoid her and if she comments just say you're just being polite, all your guests deserve attention from the bride.

I am curious, OP: if she is rude about your job, what job does she do? There must be some "material" there.

Do you have bridesmaids/groomsmen? Dealing with MILs is definitely part of their job. They run interference so she can’t get to you. If they spot her talking to you, they come and interrupt ASAP.

You shouldn’t have to deal with it, but don’t give her attention and don’t give in. “Oh gosh MIL I can’t believe you’d say that on my special day” tinkly tinkly laugh, turn around and walk away. If she says you’re being sensitive say “yes, poor you having such a sensitive DIL now! You’ll have to watch your Ps and Qs” tinkly tinkly laugh Oh Look Here Is Favourite Bridesmaid With Champagne for Me!

I agree with this. She does it to get a response so any response like a telling off or a snarky response or even you looking a bit upset will feed her - the reaction is the reason she does it.

Develop a one line response to everything - something as simple as "how interesting" or "you are funny" or even "really" and say it in a completely bored and uninterested voice - if you must answer her. Ideally just smile slightly and talk to someone else.

Grey rock grey rock grey rock.

Grey rock grey rock grey rock.

And plant someone next to her to distract her.

These are the responses if I really need to speak to toxic members of family.

'Mmmmmm'

'We will have to see'

'Thanks'

'Maybe....'

'Bye'

Grey rock and just slip away to speak to someone else whenever she approaches you. Also just look blank and pretend not to hear. She won't change her behaviour after a talking to for a highly charged event like a wedding. So protect yourself by just smiling and moving along every time she comes near.

I think she's awkward rather than deliberately rude.

Be super nice back.
"Thank you if you want some tips just ask "

Car? Quite happy with my banger thanks

Job. Thank you. Love my job.

My first suggestion is to elope, it's brilliant. If you won't do that then stay as far away from her as humanly possible on the day. If she approaches, you turn and head in the other direction. Act like sh doesn't even exist. I would also tell your partner that it's his job to keep his cow of a mother away from you. Personally, I would refuse to take any pictures with her on the day. There is just no way I could ever pander to a horrible person like that.

AS much as I wanted to get on with my MIL she is like this and eventually accidentally admitted she revels in getting to people including me.

It took me 15 years, but for my MIL I've found the best way to deal with her was to laugh and express surprise that she was still under the delusion of anyone caring about her opinion. At this point I either ignore her, or remind her that her Her opinion is irrelevant to me. I have been known to walk away with her mid sentence as though I can't hear her.

I never, ever thought I'd be so rude to anyone let alone my MIL, but she has been horrific to me over the years and was escalating. My long suffering FIL is a delight but very controlled by MIL.

Continually use the phrase "anyway, back to the fun stuff" as you walk away from her.

So if I grey rock
how do I make it less upsetting and tiring?
Is there a way I should be thinking about this differently. When she’s rude, even when I do try to grey rock, I’m seething inside for hours. I need to be able to let that go quicker. I know how to appear calm but not how to actually be calm

Sorry to hear so many other people have experience of these sorts of people too