What to do about narc MIL on the day

[Prunel]

I do not get on with MIL for various reasons
shes just not very nice
she is coming to our very small (20 people) wedding
I’m worried about her lashing out because she isn’t the centre of attention, either angrily or ‘jokingly’ doing something to try to degrade me to make herself feel better.

Normally when we see her she makes a lot of comments, which I’m dreading hearing all day.
Some recent examples:

-Oh you look much better now you’ve lost the weight, you were getting quite fat werent you

-(Unprovoked) maybe in the future you’ll be able to afford a better car. I’ll let you buy mine, maybe if you can afford it.

-I know you’re not really career focused, but have you considered trying to get a better job, yours is just not going anywhere. Why don’t you want to achieve things?

They’re rude but not direct insults. If politely challenged, I am being too sensitive. She was ‘only saying’ or ‘what?! is what I said not true? You were fat before!’ or ‘wow you are so difficult I just can’t say anything right can I’

Just to say, I have a decent job, an old car admittedly, and I went from a size 10 to an 8 so hardly fat. On the other hand BIL has a flashy car and she’s always telling him that he’s wasting his money and it’s embarrassing he’s so vain, and SIL has a very successful job and she’s always being told her values are wrong, why is she so grabby and money focused. So I think she is just insulting for the sake of it, it’s not genuine concern or advice.

sometimes once she gets going it can be insult after insult after insult. I’m worried she will start on my family and friends too.

Fiance has offered to talk to her before the wedding but I don’t think that will achieve anything. We don’t see her much otherwise.
i just sometimes think about it and dread the day a bit which is making me quite sad that she’s a bit of a cloud on our happy day!

should I just try to rise above it? How do I do that??

hopefully she just has a good day talking about how important she is as grooms mum but that may be wishful thinking

Is there anyone that you can get onside for the day? Does DP have a sibling, or can you get a bridesmaid or two to wrangle her? Maybe they can set up a rota - never let her speak to your mother/you unless one of them is there, and have a supply of stock phrases to use. Maybe have a secret game of "insult bingo" going with the winner getting a free drink if they hear enough insults from her? You'd have to trust them not to get drunk and tell her, though.

I always like how Brian Cox's character listens to people when he doesn't agree with them. He just nods his head and says "ah-ha" in various tones, as if he's agreeing when really he's storing up ammunition against them.

Do you have a friend at the wedding you can play MIL Bingo? Make a card with her greatest hits. Then, when she comes out with one, it's great, because you get a point! Bonus if you clear the board 😂

I find it helps to really pity people like this. Rather than feeling angry, I feel genuinely sorry for them that they must be so unhappy to carry on like this.

She's damaged, it's not normal behaviour. Just remind yourself of that and be grateful you can see it for what it is, and that you're not her

This.

”You can buy my car if you can afford it”

”Haha, good grief no. I’ve seen you driving. That car has had a hard life.”

”I know you’re not a career woman but..”

”Perhaps you could inspire me by telling my how you achieved your glittering career.”

Don't ever defend yourself. You don’t need to. Push it straight back onto her.

I think she’s someone to go no contact with. How can your dp accept this woman calling his fiancée fat? I would disinvite her form the wedding and to hell with the ramifications.

It truly does take a lot of self-control, @Prunel
But on your wedding day, you’ll be happy and excited and you won’t have time to let one arsehole get in the way.
And that’s all she is - not every arsehole is a “narc.” They’re just an arsehole, looking desperately for validation.
Congratulations.❤️

Say to yourself "i don't know. I don't care. I can see you in your underwear" Like something completely ridiculous that makes you realise this woman really really really doesn't matter to you unless you let her.

I'm sorry you fell in love with someone who has such a toxic parent but she is literally nothing to you. She is the woman you look at when she is jumping up and down trying to get attention by saying awful things and think "jesus poor MIL what a way to live", and move on.

All I can say is I have the same problem but a decade later I wish to god I hadn't married dh because it's been an uphill struggle and quite hurtful at times when you wish you had a MIL who could help you and they're too busy focusing on their own games. Good luck OP.

Given she has a diagnosis (narc I assume means narcissist personality disorder) could you encourage dp to talk to her clinician (obviously if she consents)

Or did you diagnose her yourself?

ive obviously ‘diagnosed’ her myself for short hand here
it’s not a ‘diagnosis’ I’ve discussed with anyone else in real life
and I’ve clearly not given all the details and backstory here which have led me to that conclusion 🙄

@tumteetoe sorry to hear that! I’m hoping that isn’t the case for us, she no longer impacts too much of our day to day lives I think it’s just big occasions. Which is sad in itself because it’ll always need to be considered at any happy time but I’m hoping I learn to manage it better

thanks for the suggestions on how to manage my own thoughts about it
i struggle in particular because I’m angry for DP, who’s own mother would be more focused on herself in every possible situation, than anyone else’s happiness, sadness, achievements whatever
I do need to pity or start finding it funny I think. But it just feels not so simple when I clench up whenever she’s around!

@Prunel it's sad isn't it. I'm on pins when I'm around my MIL. As time goes on and the grey rock begins to get easier, you'll develop coping mechanisms. I often have to endure car journeys so Either I sit in the back with the kids, drive or pretend I'm asleep, for example.

You will eventually feel sorry for her, and your marriage marks a shift in power (in her eyes) away from her. This will happen again should you have children. Your DH ideally needs to be sensitive to this and help her navigate the change.

Don't let her spoil your day. Just do your best to avoid her.

Appear not to hear her; make her repeat a snide remark three times at least. Then tell her you heard her the first time, that your aim was to give her time to think about what she’d said.

You can't control other people's behaviour. This is something I had to really learn for my own wedding (I have some difficult family as well).

She is who she is. There is not much point trying to pre-empt or worry too much about what she might do. She might be absolutely fine, and then you have wasted a load of headspace worrying. Personally, I wouldn't talk to her. She knows it's your wedding day and that she should behave herself - talking to her won't make any difference other than to irritate her.

Can you just have a friend or close family member who knows the situation looking out for you? I had someone 'watching my back' with certain family members who were literally ready to eject them/ deal with the situation if they got too rowdy, and beyond that I just took my mind off it and didn't worry about it.

It's your wedding day so you have to make yourself immune to this sort of nonsense. Get other people to deal with it, and rise above it.

Do you value her opinions or comments?

Is she like this with other people?

@oregan49 no I dont, but it doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful to be attacked for no reason. And yes she’s like this with everyone but I feel like I’ve become a particular target lately.

Thanks @violetanemone and @declutteringmymind im sorry you put up with it as well, but also it makes me feel better that it’s not just me, it’s part of life to get over rather than a rubbish situation I can try to fix

I wouldn’t accept it from anyone else and it makes me sad for DF too that his mother is so spiteful even on his important occasions that that makes me angrier at her!