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Original poster

Kid free wedding - opinions

106 replies

Legasss123 · 24/05/2022 16:34

Hi, my partner and I are planning a wedding and when we created a rough guest list and we counted the amount of kids that would potentially be attending and safe to say it was a lot!
we decided maybe it would be best to have a child free wedding. one, because the venue is quite formal and two, it’s expensive even to add one kid on!
now, the problem isn’t my side of the family it’s the in-laws.. my FH just voiced to his mother what we were thinking of doing and her first words were “your sister will kick off” now this took me by surprise as I thought, why is your first thought not your son who’s getting married and his wishes? But I kept my mouth shut.
she told us do what we want but prepare for a kick off and that his sisters won’t come which will cause others not to come and big fall outs.
We have tried to think of everything, even just having immediate family children but that adds up to 10 kids alone which I still think is a lot and from previous parties I’ve been to his sisters let their kids run round and do their own thing.
I completely understand people get offended when you don’t invite kids to a wedding and I’m not saying I don’t love my nieces and nephews, we both do but I can’t just invite the kids of the ones I’m worried will kick off and then stand by the “no kid rule” to my side of the family and I know that’s what my MIL wants me to do I just don’t think that’s fair.
sorry for the rant from a confused, slightly annoyed bride to be 🙃

OP posts:
JudgeRindersMinder · 24/05/2022 16:36

This won’t go well…. Just Dona thread search on “child free weddings” and you’ll get the gist 😂

Justmuddlingalong · 24/05/2022 16:38

SIL will have to suck it up. Invite adults only and if they kick off, they can decline the invitation. Have the day, guests and wedding you both want.

drpet49 · 24/05/2022 16:38

Do what you want but don’t get angry at people who chose not to come.

EileenGC · 24/05/2022 16:39

If you have a child-free wedding, prepare to have some families decline and the closer ones to get annoyed.

I would never go to a child-free wedding myself, no matter how close I am to the bride and groom. Weddings are family events for me, especially if I’m travelling for them. That said, it’s your right to invite whoever you want and your MIL will have to shut up about it.

underneaththeash · 24/05/2022 16:40

Child-free is so much better for everyone, kids dressed up are cute for about 20 minutes until they get bored.
Let your SIL kick off, it's your wedding.

Greensleeves · 24/05/2022 16:42

Do as you please, but don't be at all surprised when people decline to attend. I don't do "child-free weddings" and neither do a lot of people I know.

Vsirbdo · 24/05/2022 16:43

I think with child free weddings the main thing is that you can’t be offended if people don’t come
If my sister didn’t invite my kids to her wedding I would be hurt and offended as it’d feel like she didn’t actually love my DC enough to want to pay for them. I wouldn’t kick off but privately I’d be hurt and it would effect how I felt about her.

MaggieFS · 24/05/2022 16:43

I prefer child free. Can you get your fiancé to talk to his sister directly and test the water? If you don't want the DC then don't expect them either. If you do want DS then be prepared to suck it up and invite the immediate family children.

skgnome · 24/05/2022 16:44

On the one side it’s your wedding and you’re free to have it however you want
on the other, be prepared for people to be annoyed or just not being able to go, or both
especially if it involves any travel, can be a logistic nightmare with small kids
and yes, kids will run free on the party, unless you get an extra room and pay for a “wedding nanny” and even then…

Moonface123 · 24/05/2022 16:46

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, entirely up to the bride and groom. l actually prefer going to a child free wedding, alot more relaxing, young kids do get very bored and the parents end up stressed. Weddings are very expensive so l can understand why this would be an option.
My advice would be its your wedding so you get to decide.

Trafficjamlog · 24/05/2022 16:50

neices and nephews should be there, any other kids, no way

Ponderingwindow · 24/05/2022 16:53

The first thing to do is make a list of your essential attendees. For most people that would include siblings. Do any of those siblings have logistical issues that would make it difficult to attend a child free wedding? These might include breastfeeding children, children that are young enough that they have only ever been left with family who will all be at the wedding, special needs, etc. Then consider any logistical issues you are creating like the location of the wedding being away from trusted sitters or requiring an overnight stay. If you can legitimately say that there will be no barriers to attendance for your essential guests, then proceed with your child-free wedding plans.

houseofboy · 24/05/2022 16:54

I feel for you it's tricky. We had a child free wedding but we had no immediate family with children so that made it easier and we made an allowance for my bridesmaids to bring there little ones though they chose not to. In your situation I'm not sure you can not have your nieces and nephews but maybe just immediate family children??

Divebar2021 · 24/05/2022 16:54

Don’t assume everyone has childcare and certainly not if your venue is a distance away for some people and people are required to stay overnight.

GrimDamnFanjo · 24/05/2022 16:58

It's your wedding but I don't attend child free weddings as I think they are family events.
It seems to me that this is a financial decision so wouldn't it be better to look at who the essential children are and then speak to your parents and see if there's a way round this?
I think that going ahead without an open discussion could permanently harm relationships.

Original poster
Legasss123 · 24/05/2022 17:00

The childcare isn’t the issue as their kids dad (separated) has them on weekends, the same SIL is going to her friends wedding abroad for a week and leaving her kids at home.

OP posts:
easyday · 24/05/2022 17:00

I had a child free wedding. Not invite 20 friends in favor of 20 kids I didn't really know? Nope.
Most parents were completely happy to have half a day and evening where they didn't have to shush a child during the ceremony or buck up a bored child and then resign to leaving early! So do what you want and it's their problem. A compromise might be if the child was 14 plus but they'd probably be bored too.
If it's your husbands side make him deal with it.

Original poster
Legasss123 · 24/05/2022 17:03

The childcare isn’t the issue as their kids dad (separated) has them on weekends, the same SIL is going to her friends wedding abroad for a week and leaving her kids at home.

OP posts:
HandbagsnGladrags · 24/05/2022 17:04

I love a child free wedding - why on earth would you want kids at a nice civilised day?! We had no kids at our wedding and it was fine, having said that we were late 40's and on second marriages so didn't know that many people with small kids. But those who did have them just got a babysitter for the day. I don't know what all the fuss is about regarding child free weddings. It's your day, you're paying for it so you should plan it as you see fit.

MrsAvocet · 24/05/2022 17:04

It's your wedding and your choice, but you need to be prepared for the probability that some people won't come. As long as everyone respects each others' viewpoints it really shouldn't be an issue, but unfortunately they often don't.
If you don't want/can't afford to invite children then don't. It's a perfectly valid choice. But don't then take offence if people decline your invitation. Some people will want to come but be unable to - this could be a significant problem for close family members as it's fairly likely that most, if not all, of the people who might usually look after their children will be at the wedding. Some people won't be comfortable about leaving their children for long periods, especially if they have got long journeys and need to stay overnight. Some people will just not want to leave their children. These are also all perfectly valid choices.
I think I would be sad not to attend my brother's wedding but I doubt I would have gone without my children so I can see things from your prospective SIL's point of view. You can't force them to come without their children so it may come down to deciding whether it is more important to you to have them there or to stick to the child free rule. They may of course be happy to come. The suggestion of getting your fiance to sound them out is good.
We had immediate family children and one child of family friends who were travelling hundreds of miles, but I didn't invite the children of local friends, mainly from a cost/space perspective. Most people were happy. One couple declined. We're still friends as we understood their situation and they understood ours.

Runorsleep · 24/05/2022 17:05

I would definitely invite neices and nephews. They are family and tbh both parents might not be able to come then , not everyone has babysitters. We have family but they don’t babysit so have swapped over loads to go to the many child free events over the years. I had children at my wedding as I love kids and they were family and some friends kids who I knew wouldn’t be able to attend if we’d had no children at the wedding.

Aria2015 · 24/05/2022 17:07

I'm all for a child free wedding. Got a wedding invite recently, didn't even dress it up, just simply said 'regrets no children' - must admit it made me smile. I have kids btw. Never thought kids and weddings are a good mix unless you're having something very informal. Please yourself, it's your big day.

ahwobabob · 24/05/2022 17:09

Can you have a discussion with SIL ahead of sending our invites and let her know why you chose not to have children?

Also...expect the usual frumpy MN'ers on here posting their whingey "I wouldn't go to a child-free wedding" "Weddings are family/child events" "Don't be insulted when people don't go" comments.

I'm sure you won't be offended by those who can't come as a result - as if bride and grooms haven't considered this when creating the rule 🙄

Mommabear20 · 24/05/2022 17:12

We had a child-free ceremony (which was discussed numerous times!), DH brother and his GF turned up with their baby girl 🤷‍♀️ people don't give a shit about the bride and groom! Do what makes you happy!

ResentfulLemon · 24/05/2022 17:13

Normal wedding invite with child-free = no problem at all

Sibling wedding invite with child-free = nope, family either means something or it doesn't

That's my personal line in the sand. I'd politely decline the invitation and still buy a gift. I did that to my own sister.

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