Kid free wedding - opinions

[Legasss123]

Hi, my partner and I are planning a wedding and when we created a rough guest list and we counted the amount of kids that would potentially be attending and safe to say it was a lot!
we decided maybe it would be best to have a child free wedding. one, because the venue is quite formal and two, it’s expensive even to add one kid on!
now, the problem isn’t my side of the family it’s the in-laws.. my FH just voiced to his mother what we were thinking of doing and her first words were “your sister will kick off” now this took me by surprise as I thought, why is your first thought not your son who’s getting married and his wishes? But I kept my mouth shut.
she told us do what we want but prepare for a kick off and that his sisters won’t come which will cause others not to come and big fall outs.
We have tried to think of everything, even just having immediate family children but that adds up to 10 kids alone which I still think is a lot and from previous parties I’ve been to his sisters let their kids run round and do their own thing.
I completely understand people get offended when you don’t invite kids to a wedding and I’m not saying I don’t love my nieces and nephews, we both do but I can’t just invite the kids of the ones I’m worried will kick off and then stand by the “no kid rule” to my side of the family and I know that’s what my MIL wants me to do I just don’t think that’s fair.
sorry for the rant from a confused, slightly annoyed bride to be 🙃

Bit shit to not invite your nieces and nephews. They will be in your lives forever. I love my mine dearly and it wouldn’t occur to me not to invite them.

So long drive, hotels etc but thier DCs, your relatives, don't make the guest list? I don't understand why you would do that to your siblings, sorry! I think this wedding is going to cause a lot of bad feelings among your family, whether they make a fuss or not.

This.

I personally much prefer not having kids at weddings - both my own when they were small and other people who don't ensure their dc behave and don't annoy other people even more so.
However, it is up to the hosts who they invite, and then up to those who are invited to decide whether to attend or not. The fact your MiL's first reaction was to say your SiL will kick off makes me feel even less inclined to accommodate her preferences. She, presumably chose what she wanted at her wedding, and you and your dp choose what you want at your wedding.

Its your wedding and your choice. BUT by "your" I mean both of you and if its your fiance's side of the family that seems to be the problem then he needs to be TOTALLY on board with this and ready to stand the flack.

I'm sure if you offered the people an optionof paying £20 a head for their children to come it is a lot cheaper than the hassle of trying to arrange a nanny/babysitter.
My xBIL had a child free wedding, it was the crappiest most self absorbed wedding ever with no consideration to guests and I had to fork out nearly £200 on a nanny for the privilege...that was years ago and as you can tell, not forgotten

Do as you wish OP they will have to suck it up. If they kick off they kick off, stand by your choice, just accept it if they decide not to come. Given childcare isn't an issue if they chose not to come out of spite then I'd be glad they didn't come.

It's your wedding, your money and your wishes. All the weddings we are attending this year are child free (except bride and groom children) apart from our new baby as she doesn't require a seat or feeding. One of them abroad my DH is having to go to alone as they said not even baby and that's fine it's their choice. I won't leave baby for 4 days so I'm fine with not going.

I know a few people who have had child free weddings, adamant that children spoil the day and that an adult only wedding is the way to go…… that is until they have had their own children and they change their mind and become furious when their own child isn’t invited to a wedding!

Its different not taking offence at your child being excluded from an invite to a friends wedding than a family members wedding.

Your SIL is going to her friends wedding in the capacity of a friend. Of course there is no problem with accepting her friend does not consider your DNs to be her friend as well. However your SIL would be going to yours and her brothers wedding at a family member. There is a big issue with her children not being seen as part of the family.

You are inviting family and friends to your wedding. By not inviting your DNs you are sending a message you don't consider them to be family or friends.

Alternatively, you look like you've gone through a list of family members who are equal in how close they are as family members and picked the ones you enjoy the company of the most. (The adults.) If you are inviting your/your DPs Aunts/Uncles then they are the same level of family distance to you as DPs sisters kids.

Do you feel that children who are related to your/your DP don't count as family members in their own right? Do they have to be old enough to vote to become your family? Is there a point when you consider them to be your family?

We decided on immediate family children and breastfeeding babies only, mainly because we got married quite a bit later than most of our friends, so if we had invited everyone's children, we could have ended up being overrun with children! We had around 8 children and 2 babies in the end, and it was fine, really lovely to have them there, but didn't feel like it was dominated by children.

But conversely some people do not have good or close relationships with family members.

Some people are much closer to their friends.

I friends I speak to daily and see weekly. I have family members I haven't seen in 5 years and only speak to at funerals or the odd Christmas gathering/summer bbq.

Should I be expected to knock close friends off the list who I have a close and fantastic relationship with in order to accommodate family members I rarely see and do not have a close relationship with.

I don't like this assumption that blood trumps all and family should always come first. Some people do not have very nice family members.

Children from immediate family like it or not are part of your family- excluding them isn't right- if you can't afford your wedding you need to cut back in other areas. I completely understand if your sister voices her disapproval.

If they are children from extended family/ friends then it's acceptable to not include them. But expect people to decline your invite.

I have four children and I realise that's a lot to accommodate (we would pay for them) but recently we have had two invites from family (cousin for one, niece for another) excluding children. We would have no childcare as all family are going and more than that they are old enough to know they are being excluded. So both invites have been declined.

Although one of the oddest things about this OP is you appear to have chosen your venue before making your list of guests, you picked the venue before deciding how many people you wanted to invite and so needed to accommodate. You picked the venue first then let the fact its not a child-friendly venue and the size/cost dictate the no kids decision, rather than planning what sort of wedding you wanted first then finding a venue that met your needs and budget.

I cant help thinking that you will end up one of those brides who gets very stressed because you've not thought about all the details before committing to things that limit other options.

I totally think it's your choice and I don't have an opinion either way..other than to say I've recently had to miss a wedding I really would have loved to have been at as it was child free and I had absolutely zero options for childcare as everyone I use was going to the wedding! I didn't blame the bride and I hope she didn't blame me for not going. Seemed a crying shame though (especially as in this case they had many children there as bridesmaids, page boys and because they were one step closer to the bridegroom than my child was to the bride.)

Good point @MargosKaftan

It is your wedding, but I really don't enjoy child-free weddings as much, they are more boring IMO. I don't have young kids now anyway but my view has been the same since before I had kids, they just seem wrong to me.

How about you don't decide what's best for everyone.

@Legasss123 I like kids at weddings, but then I like more traditional weddings, service then party in the church hall. I may be a 70's child with lots of good memories of family weddings!!

But this is your wedding!!

Bear in mind though, it'll change what your guests can/will do. Some might not be able or willing to get childcare, so may have to decline. As long as you are ok with people that have/choose to do that then, that's fine. What's not fine is getting arsey about oeople not being there for your big day, because they can't/won't get childcare. Obviously it's even more difficult for people whose 'babysitters' are also at your wedding.

have you asked the venue about options for children? Some will do more children's party food thing in a side room, rather than a 3 course meal with the adults. Which can work out better ££ & more fun for the kids.

but if you're worried about the more feral kids, then 'no kids' is an option.

if his sisters 'kick off' then just ignore & if they carry on & on & say they're not coming, in a stamp, just say 'That's a shame, but we understand'

Do NOT ket the loudest ones bring their kids while the quiet ones accept your plans!!

or hire the village hall & have a party!! 😉

*But conversely some people do not have good or close relationships with family members.

Some people are much closer to their friends.

I friends I speak to daily and see weekly. I have family members I haven't seen in 5 years and only speak to at funerals or the odd Christmas gathering/summer bbq.

Should I be expected to knock close friends off the list who I have a close and fantastic relationship with in order to accommodate family members I rarely see and do not have a close relationship with.

I don't like this assumption that blood trumps all and family should always come first. Some people do not have very nice family members*

It’s absolutely true that some people are unlucky enough to have toxic family members.

But the majority of us have some mildly annoying family members whom we sometimes can’t be bothered with and would much rather spend time with our current friends.

But those friends will come and go as our lives change whilst the family will always be there.

Upset them by being thoughtless and ungenerous when you’re young and blithe and intolerant and think they don’t matter and you may live to regret it 20 or more years down the road when those friends have fallen by the wayside and there’s a family crisis.

My brother is getting married next year and has decided it will be childfree. He asked me first before he made it official (as I'm the only sibling of 4 who has kids so far) it's their day. I'm not offended one bit. Thankfully they set a date 2 years away from their engagement so I've had plenty of time to let it sink in and organise childcare! It is ultimately your decision. Just be prepared for some people to duck out because they can't find childcare and don't take it personally if they don't come because of childcare commitments. One thing I learned from planning my own wedding is that you can't please everyone. This is your day. Plan it however you want!

Definitely child free. It's an adult environment. Kids shouldn't be there

It's an adult environment.

That depends on the wedding. My wedding wasn’t a solely adult environment by design.

It's totally your choice but you will piss people off and you will have guests that don't come -not saying that's right but it's the way it is.

I love a child free wedding. Just keep it 100% child free, without little bridesmaids as photo props.

There's always at least one wedding guest who thinks your wedding should be about what they want instead of what you want! The biggest thing I learnt from planning my wedding is to go ahead with what you want to do, it is your day and even though some may not accept that at first, they will calm down after a while and accept it. Lots of people have kid-free weddings, it's not something strange. Enjoy your day 🥂

We had a child free wedding- turns out only 1 couple wanted to bring their kids (they chose not to come). Everyone else was happy for the night off.

It's your wedding. Hopefully you'll only do it once. Do it your way.