Kid free wedding - opinions

[Legasss123]

Hi, my partner and I are planning a wedding and when we created a rough guest list and we counted the amount of kids that would potentially be attending and safe to say it was a lot!
we decided maybe it would be best to have a child free wedding. one, because the venue is quite formal and two, it’s expensive even to add one kid on!
now, the problem isn’t my side of the family it’s the in-laws.. my FH just voiced to his mother what we were thinking of doing and her first words were “your sister will kick off” now this took me by surprise as I thought, why is your first thought not your son who’s getting married and his wishes? But I kept my mouth shut.
she told us do what we want but prepare for a kick off and that his sisters won’t come which will cause others not to come and big fall outs.
We have tried to think of everything, even just having immediate family children but that adds up to 10 kids alone which I still think is a lot and from previous parties I’ve been to his sisters let their kids run round and do their own thing.
I completely understand people get offended when you don’t invite kids to a wedding and I’m not saying I don’t love my nieces and nephews, we both do but I can’t just invite the kids of the ones I’m worried will kick off and then stand by the “no kid rule” to my side of the family and I know that’s what my MIL wants me to do I just don’t think that’s fair.
sorry for the rant from a confused, slightly annoyed bride to be 🙃

Haven't rtft so probably repeating what others have said, but:

IME, it's the norm to invite nieces and nephews only.

You are of course within your rights not to invite them but there will be fallout from that. I would be very offended if one of our siblings didn't invite our DC. I wouldn't expect them to be invited to anyone else's wedding and probably wouldn't bring them if they were invited!

I'm having a child free wedding.

I've been to too many weddings where one of the following has happened

Baby screaming during ceremony
Toddler running round during ceremony
A kid knocking a full bottle of wine off a table
A kid attempting to pull a bridesmaids dress up
General feral food throwing and running about
A child running into a waiter carrying a tray of starters.

I do not have children and don't care to have them at my wedding. I'm perfectly fine with people declining the invite.

Child-free weddings are one of the things MN is batshit about. In the real world, most parents are delighted to get the opportunity to let their hair down & party for the day while someone else wins the kids.

Ignore the muppets who say they wouldn’t go to a child free wedding on principle. Their sort will always find something to take offence at. Have the wedding you want, but accept any declined invitations with good grace.

Have you considered eloping or just having parents there?

now, the problem isn’t my side of the family it’s the in-laws

Is this because of how they interact with people, or because your side of he family doesn't include DC?

I'm just wondering if the number of families who will need to make child-wrangling arrangements is evenly distributed

Yes I agree with this completely.

Friend's wedding: party to celebrate their good news. Nothing to do with my DC.

Sibling's wedding: welcoming a new member of the family - which my children are part of.

Think very carefully about who you invite if you are going to exclude nieces and nephews. Inviting work colleagues for example is going to really upset your in laws. Yes it's your wedding but this is your fiancé's family and the family you are marrying into so consider what kind of relationship you want with them in the future.

We are still in contact with all the family at our wedding, we have lost contact with a few of the friends so I am very glad I invited family children rather than people I don't know now a few years down the line.

Who is going to look after these family children during the wedding?

Oh and your family may also be upset about this! Just not saying it to your face like your inlaws are.

The same people that buy the couple gifts when they’ve asked for cash, just to spite them, presumably

I'm surprised you would exclude nieces and nephews but it's your day. You can't get moany when their parents don't want to come, however

How they react, a lot of drama goes on on the daily!
not because my family don’t involve kids it’s quite the opposite
my side would actually be coming from Scotland which is 5 hours, but they would be understanding about it or maybe if they weren’t they wouldn’t kick off it’s not in their nature they would just politely decline.
his side are about an hour away from the venue, I don’t know maybe I’m just wrong and I appreciate everyone’s opinions, I just thought if you constantly have other people looking after your kids anyway it wouldn’t be an issue.

I would never get moany about people not coming, it was the kick off reaction that bothered me I didn’t realise i would of had to “prepare for a kick off”

The kids dads normally has them on weekends, childcare isn’t the issue

it's your wedding so you have who you want
But you really don't do you? Your guest list actually only determines that you don't get guests that you don't want. You don't actually have any control over who does come and i think it is failing to recognise this that causes a lot of problems.
The whole "it's your big day so you can do whatever you want" attitude only works up to a point. Yes, you can do what you want, but you don't get to insist that other people also do what you want. Absolutely nobody is obliged to accept an invitation, no matter how much you want them to be there, so if you do something that makes it less likely that they will come you have to be prepared to accept that.
Life is full of compromises and sometimes we all have to accept something that we don't really want in order to get something that we do. It may come down to whether it is more important to the B&G to have the sisters there or not to have the kids there. Regardless of whether people feel the sisters would be unreasonable to decline the invitation, if they choose to do so, there's absolutely nothing the B&G can do to make them come - other than compromise.

I don't mind child free weddings but do think nieces, nephews and babies should be included. Also consideration for those travelling a long way. We have a wedding in September and it is a right pain finding childcare from Friday to Sunday. We think just one of us will go, which would be me and I'm not sure I can face the journey alone!

Yes, they’re the ones. Always have to make other people’s weddings about them…

Which children will be excluded from your side OP? Nieces and nephews or more distant relations?

This always ends badly. Be prepared to have some "excuses" as to why people with kids can't attend!

As long as you go into it knowing a few won't come then it won't matter .

I can’t believe people would actually kick off about this! It’s your wedding and your day, invite who you want and why on earth would you want to pay so much more for kids to kick off!!
I’d never be offended by this, would just get a babysitter and enjoy a day to myself!!

Nieces and nephews on my side too!

Agree with others. No issue generally with child free weddings, sometimes it’s great to attend without children, and I have also just sent husband to a couple when babies where small and couldn’t be left. No problem at all. However every wedding I have been to nieces and nephews have been the exception. I didn’t have many children at my wedding but didn’t even consider not having my nieces and nephews. I generally completely understand that others may not enjoy my children’s company as much as I do however I think I would feel sad if my sibling didn’t want them at their wedding. Unless it was very very small.

Its fine, your wedding should be what you want. Just be mindful that some people with children will be unable to attend, a friend married a few years ago and around 1/4 of invites were turned down as the invitees had children who needed caring for.

That’s what I couldn’t get my head around, I completely understand if people can’t come because of childcare etc and decline and maybe a little bit annoyed behind closed doors but to fully say they’ll kick off I feel is a bit extreme.