Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

There's no way I would go and I don't think I would be speaking to them again.

This is so cruel. There's no way I would attend a wedding of someone who excluded my son for his disability. I would be telling them exactly what I thought of them as well.

@Autumndays123

I'm sorry that your son has difficulties but I'm on your sisters side here. If he has form for harassing girls then I'm not sure I would want him there either. Clearly you haven't controlled the behaviour well in the past if you know exactly what behaviour they wouldn't want.

Oh go and read the fuzzing thread.

Op and her DH put boundaries in, but in the past he's asked girls to dance, they've then played upto it saying how they love him and will be his gf etc and then gone all wide eyes confused when he's asked for a hug etc. And when they say no, he understands it means no and he can't do it. Which confuses and upsets him no doubt but he still knows no is no

He isn't sexually abusing girls in the toilets ffs

I am appalled for you @Aprilcherry04. Within my wider family we have a family member with DS, another with autism. They are wholly and fully a part of our wider family and never excluded. It’s not right. I’d decline, tell them the truth as to why, and do something nice with your immediate family during the time you ought to have attended

Really cruel and unpleasant from the B&G. I'm so sorry OP.

@Autumndays123

I'm sorry that your son has difficulties but I'm on your sisters side here. If he has form for harassing girls then I'm not sure I would want him there either. Clearly you haven't controlled the behaviour well in the past if you know exactly what behaviour they wouldn't want.

Do butt out. You clearly haven't read the thread.

I work with young adults with in an educational setting. We have young people with a wide range of physical and learning difficulties including DS. Unfortunately your sister's attitude and that of some of the posters is far too common. As for inappropriate behaviour, the only time I experience bad language, inappropriate behaviour and occasional physical threats is when I am working in mainstream. Parents of ND children are unfailing in making sure their children behave appropriately to avoid society censuring them and playing to the disablists. As one parent of a ND child said to me:
'You have to work twice as hard'

Do not attend this wedding. Your son will have to battle prejudice for the rest of his life, he does not need this from his own family.

I would try to reason with her and explain your son would be carefully supervised, and that you would only stay a couple of hours, just to see family, then go home before things started to get noisy. Also say if his behaviour became an issue you would leave sooner.

@Kumbaya12 sorry do you mean the original picture or the general metaphor? I've seen the picture many times not sure if it's origin. With regard to the metaphor it can be applied to education but really it's all aspects of life for a disabled person so could be medical, financial, employment etc but in this case it just refers to general acceptance.

@inheritancetrack

I would try to reason with her and explain your son would be carefully supervised, and that you would only stay a couple of hours, just to see family, then go home before things started to get noisy. Also say if his behaviour became an issue you would leave sooner.

Please don't op.

You don't need to beg your family to accept your wonderful child.
If they don't want you there then they aren't worthy of your presence.
Hes always supervised because your good parents, he doesn't need EXTRA supervision because of their assumptions and ignorance.
You shouldn't have to sit there hyper alert for your son doing anything that someone else might consider not "normal" so you can pull him away and drag him home in shame.

My cousin's eldest has severe autism, is largely non-verbal and has a number of disruptive tics. I wouldn't for a second have considered not inviting him to our wedding and frankly I think she owes you an enormous apology. Personally I wouldn't be going even if she did revise her stance to include him but I guess that's up to you.

(And frankly I've had plenty of interesting encounters at weddings with - as far as I'm aware - NT creepy uncles who've hit the bar a bit too hard - so I don't even think the 'not understanding boundaries' thing should stand, particularly if you and your DH will be with him).

@Autumndays123

I'm sorry that your son has difficulties but I'm on your sisters side here. If he has form for harassing girls then I'm not sure I would want him there either. Clearly you haven't controlled the behaviour well in the past if you know exactly what behaviour they wouldn't want.

I'm sorry that you comprehension and empathy difficulties @Autumndays123 because nothing written by the OP says he has form for harassing girls. Go back and read carefully. You will see she describes how he asks and respects no. She also describes how confusion can caused by other (NT) people. To follow your logic I might say those people's parents had failed to control their behaviour in the past

I think people's concept of a wedding has moved more towards Instagrammable party than a witnessessing and celebration with your community - of which family are the most important part.

@ShadowPuppets

(And frankly I've had plenty of interesting encounters at weddings with - as far as I'm aware - NT creepy uncles who've hit the bar a bit too hard - so I don't even think the 'not understanding boundaries' thing should stand, particularly if you and your DH will be with him).

Exactly. Usually drunken guests who present the worst behaviour at a wedding. Weddings really can bring out the worst in people 😳

That is disgusting on your families part to exclude your son because of a disability. That would be the end of that “family” for me.

I’m really angry for you. Your own family of all people! They are arseholes.

Plan something nice that day instead.

I went to my nephew's wedding recently. Me and my partner were invited, plus DS2 and his wife and family. Ds1 was not invited partly because he doesn't keep in contact with the nephew, but also because he's likely to get drunk, make a fool of himself and embarrass everyone. Fair enough. I can understand that. I know the situation is different from yours but maybe the happy couple just don't want to take the risk of their big
day being spoilt.

@Autumndays123

I'm sorry that your son has difficulties but I'm on your sisters side here. If he has form for harassing girls then I'm not sure I would want him there either. Clearly you haven't controlled the behaviour well in the past if you know exactly what behaviour they wouldn't want.

Your sorry? Read the op’s posts (then say sorry).

Ablism and bullying through exclusion are never ok.

I hate the 'their day' bollocks as it's only ever used to justify cruel and selfish behavior.

Yes, you 'can' do whatever you like but it isn't 'right' too. Life has basic etiquette rules (guide for basic morals and manners in society) and regardless of if you are 'getting married' actions have consequences and you can never just 'do what you like' at the expense of treating family and friends like shit.

Exclusion of specifically targeted people is ALWAYS wrong and bullying especially if its due to things out of their control.

I don’t think any of you should go. There will be an embarrassing gap in the family photographs that your nephew and sister will have to deal with for years to come, also people at the wedding who know you as family will ask where you are and while they may try to brush your absence under the carpet they will know they are covering for their own appalling discriminatory behaviour, and if that puts a sour taste on the celebrations then tough.

Traditionally it is the brides parents who issue wedding invitations, I would be inclined to explain exactly why you are declining when you RSVP.

I think it says more about the bride and grooms friends really that they would think that their cousin with DS would make them uncomfortable.

^^I agree. DH is right just decline and don't think about these people again.

@Dillydollydingdong

I went to my nephew's wedding recently. Me and my partner were invited, plus DS2 and his wife and family. Ds1 was not invited partly because he doesn't keep in contact with the nephew, but also because he's likely to get drunk, make a fool of himself and embarrass everyone. Fair enough. I can understand that. I know the situation is different from yours but maybe the happy couple just don't want to take the risk of their big day being spoilt.

Comparing the exclusion of someone who can't handle drinking booze in a sensible way to the exclusion of someone who has Down's syndrome is so fucking offensive. And makes you look like a fool, tbh.

I am sorry that your sister's decision has been so hurtful, Aprilcherry04. I have a friend whose son has a learning disability and she was very upset when friends of hers did not invite her son to their children's 18/21st parties The back story is that she and her husband had done awful lot for the family over the years, including inviting them to many social events. An extra hurt for her is that her son is very severely affected and although he had parties for his 18 & 21st birthday which he enjoyed, she knows that he did not experience them as rites of passage and independence as an adult.

In your case, what seems worse is that your son understands what a wedding is, knows his cousin, and would have you there in case of any problems. It's also sad that she seems to be assuming there would be problems.

We've made so many advances as a society in terms of recognising the importance of inclusion and the right of people with a learning disability. We accept it as only right that actors like Tommy Jessop are on our screens or that models like Sofia Jirau will appear on the catwalk but it seems much harder to make progress in terms of living as a society in which full integration exists.

Sadly, I don't have any practical advice, I just wanted you to know that a stranger on the internet feels it was unfair not to invite your son to his cousin's wedding.

I'm sorry that your son has difficulties but I'm on your sisters side here. If he has form for harassing girls then I'm not sure I would want him there either. Clearly you haven't controlled the behaviour well in the past if you know exactly what behaviour they wouldn't want. how about you go and actually read the OP’s posts instead of spouting your own opinions based on prejudice and nothing more.

And best hope you never end up with a disability. After all, we’re all just a car crash away.