Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

I think your DH has the right idea too, to be honest.

Your DS is family and he shouldn't be hidden away because your sister/nephew are, what, a bit embarrassed by him? That's awful!

And if their guests would have been upset by having a guest there who has Downs Syndrome and the behaviours that so often go with it, then that REALLY says more about them than your son.

I'm horrified by your sister/nephew (not sure which is the main instigator here, really) and this would permanently affect my own view of them and my relationship with them.

@Autumndays123

I'm sorry that your son has difficulties but I'm on your sisters side here. If he has form for harassing girls then I'm not sure I would want him there either. Clearly you haven't controlled the behaviour well in the past if you know exactly what behaviour they wouldn't want.

There’s nothing to suggest that ‘he has form for harassing girls’.

I think none of you should go. I wouldn't under the circumstances. Send a card but no present

Havent read the full thread, but am fuming on your behalf!
I have an autistic DC whose behaviour can occasionally be a little challenging when they're anxious or excited. Fortunately for us, we've never experienced exclusion like this, either within the family, school or social situations.
I'd not go to that wedding, and would keep my distance from those family members in future.

This is absolutely disgusting, I'm so sorry OP. I wouldn't go, wouldn't send them a gift and would tell them exactly why. This isn't the 1800s where we hid people with disabilities away. They're part of life, and your son is part of their family, whether they like it or not! Absolutely fuming on your behalf. What kind of message does that send to your son.

I’m all for their day their choice but this is cruel disgusting behaviour. How could they not realise how hurtful this would be? Do not go no matter what back tracking they do.

I went to my nephew's wedding recently. Me and my partner were invited, plus DS2 and his wife and family. Ds1 was not invited partly because he doesn't keep in contact with the nephew, but also because he's likely to get drunk, make a fool of himself and embarrass everyone. Fair enough. I can understand that. I know the situation is different from yours but maybe the happy couple just don't want to take the risk of their big
day being spoilt.

You really can’t see the difference between someone who is NT and who chooses to behave like a drunken twat and someone who has a disability? Really?

Let’s not justify prejudice from the OP’s family because your own DS is an arsehole and deserves to be excluded.

Personally I would hope their day is spoiled by the fact their sister and family never spoke to them again.

@frami

I work with young adults with in an educational setting. We have young people with a wide range of physical and learning difficulties including DS. Unfortunately your sister's attitude and that of some of the posters is far too common. As for inappropriate behaviour, the only time I experience bad language, inappropriate behaviour and occasional physical threats is when I am working in mainstream. Parents of ND children are unfailing in making sure their children behave appropriately to avoid society censuring them and playing to the disablists. As one parent of a ND child said to me: 'You have to work twice as hard'

Do not attend this wedding. Your son will have to battle prejudice for the rest of his life, he does not need this from his own family.

I think this post sums it up OP.

I would do as your husband suggests and politely decline the invitation. That and no more. If your sister queries it then you can firmly explain that you come as a family unit and you found it very hurtful to have one of your children excluded.

Well they’re a problem not your brother and need to be challenged. If they ‘can’t take it’ they need to get a grip and stop being disablist. Hiding people away because their disability makes other people uncomfortable is bang out of order.
It's not hiding people away, it's a whole family choosing not to go because it's not a good place to be for someone. We've always chosen celebrations based on how he feels and the people involved, sure that's what anyone does. If you have an idea it won't be involved you do something else instead!
If I were your mother,I'd be very angry if someone invited you and not your brother to an event.

Excluding people because they have learning difficulties is repellant behaviour.
What I was saying was hypothetical, it hasn't happened, and my mum issues too so it's a different kettle of fish in our house, we're very picky about what we go to!!!

@Dillydollydingdong it’s really not similar at all though is it?

I’m sorry OP. It sounds like they’re more focused on themselves and on putting on a show for others (work colleagues perhaps?) than having a real family celebration. Suggesting dividing a family in this way is offensive and unacceptable. Amazed she didn’t at least have an exploratory chat with you about ‘what would work best with him.’

I’d decline the invite too 😔

Ds1 was not invited partly because... he's likely to get drunk, make a fool of himself and embarrass everyone. Fair enough. I can understand that. I know the situation is different from yours but maybe the happy couple just don't want to take the risk of their big day being spoilt.
Are you SERIOUSLY comparing your alcoholic son who cannot behave due to inebriation with a young adult with learning difficulties who sometimes acts for a hug or and a dance but understands the word no.

They are vile people. Your DS sounds lovely, shame on them

I'm sorry but it's absolutely disgusting of your nephew to exclude DS2, discrimination.
Some shocking comments on this thread, are we really comparing someone with a learning disability to a drunk.
Personally I'd decline the invitation and do something as a family instead. Your son sounds like a lovely lad and it's a shame people take advantage of his good nature.

Your 'D'N and 'D'Sis are excluding your son because of his disability. I wouldn't attend.

Wtf have only read OP but decline the invite on behalf of all of you and make it clear why. I cannot believe how cruel they’re being

@Dillydollydingdong

I went to my nephew's wedding recently. Me and my partner were invited, plus DS2 and his wife and family. Ds1 was not invited partly because he doesn't keep in contact with the nephew, but also because he's likely to get drunk, make a fool of himself and embarrass everyone. Fair enough. I can understand that. I know the situation is different from yours but maybe the happy couple just don't want to take the risk of their big day being spoilt.

I'm sorry you have that problem with your DS1. I have a BIL (DH's younger brother) who is an alcoholic, and can be a very nasty and even violent drunk. We absolutely understand if he isn't invited places, and haven't seen him for years.

It isn't the same thing though. OP's DS has been excluded on the grounds of his disability rather than drunken or violent behaviour. It really isn't on at all.

I am so sorry, OP and understand your feelings so well. But I am so glad you posted because it is giving others an insight into what it is like when others do not accept your disabled child.

I adopted four children, two of whom have learning difficulties and autism. That was the day invitations stopped. Throughout their childhood they were very rarely invited to weddings or other social events and the same now they are adults, though their other siblings often are. They would not have behaved in an way to make anyone uncomfortable, did not have meltdowns and should their have been any issues we would have been on the spot anyway. Because of our refusals to attend without them, we found invitations for us soon stopped as well. When I look back I do wish I had said something instead of just quietly refusing the invitation for the rest of us. So I do hope that you mention this to your sister/bride and groom so they know how inappropriate their decision is. I let everyone get away with it - but don't you!

Now adults I have found the long term consequences have been that my sons are so overly delighted if they are asked anywhere. They are so used to not being asked anywhere that if they ever are, they are so excited and grateful, hugely so. That makes me actually sadder than anything.

I have a Son like yours OP and if any of my family did this the would be no "declining politely" They would be told exactly what I thought of each and every one of them.

Then I would go no contact.

So sorry this has happened, I know how hard life is as I am sharing your shoes, without shit from those who are supposed to care for you

How awful of them. DS sounds lovely.

Try to think beyond the event if you possibly can, as this is sure to affect your relationship with the rest of the family. Think about the outcome you would like. Would you like more understanding from them regarding your DS?

Could you speak to your nephew directly? The couple in question should really own the decision making around their wedding, nephew should not be getting his Mum to do the work for him!

@Aprilcherry04

It makes me very sad to read this

I just wouldn't go at all neither you, husband or either son

You are a family and come all together

She is being very cruel and hurtful and people with disabilities need to be included not left out x

OMG that is soooooo hurtful and awful.

I had never though about it really because they are my sister's and my friends' kids, but 3 of the 6 kids at my wedding had ASD. Any one of them could have caused disruption, but their parents were there and, since they are perfectly capable the rest of the time, it never crossed my mind that they suddenly wouldn't be able to manage their children just because it was a wedding.

In fact, they had all been well briefed and were brilliant. The worst "disruption" was one of them having a bit of a huff and refusing to be on one of the photos. The photographer immortalised the moment and it's one of my favourite photos.

Love the kids, love their differences!

@Marvellousmadness

If your son is 20 and doesnt understand what a wedding is i may assume he is mentally much younger than his age on paper. Maybe it is a no kids wedding? You even said yourself he can be difficult. Maybe weddings aren't the right place for him. And maybe deepdown you know that but i can also understand that it would hurt. A lot.

Is your 25son even interested in going btw? I would have given anything to not go to a wedding at age 25

Just step back and assess. Because your sis has been honest and upfront about it. She may have even said it in a nice way... so dont make the way you explain it to your oldest the reason why it would cause a devide in the family.

Maybe read the OP's posts?

He does understand what a wedding is.

And since when aren't weddings the 'right place' for people with a disability? That's a horrible thing to say

Just step back and assess. Because your sis has been honest and upfront about it. She may have even said it in a nice way... so dont make the way you explain it to your oldest the reason why it would cause a divide in the family.

What fucking nice way is there to say that your disabled kid isn't wanted?

Jesus, absolutely no way would I be attending. How awful. I’m really sorry OP.

Your DH has the right response, OP. I don't have any personal experience or advice to offer but I think it's important you stick together as a family on this one. Your sister unfortunately has damaged your relationship by revealing her family's prejudices and you shouldn't try to find a way to accommodate her attitude.