Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

autienotnaughty yes, the world would indisputably be better if society was more accommodating, but people aren't going to choose their wedding as the time to do it.

[quote autienotnaughty]**@Simplelobsterhat* at no point did op use the word pester. She described a young man who would ask to girls to dance and understands the word no*. People are taking the term 'carried away' as a sexual thing more likely it's a innocent enthusiasm. [/quote]
No I know she didn't, but she said that's what her sister had said so I was quoting that as being how they saw it. However since i wrote that she has clarified there haven't been occasions like this since he was an adult so I agree they don't seem to have reason for thinking that.

OP: if you do decline, don’t say it is because you have no one to look after him, because in their eyes that still makes him the ‘problem’.

Is there a family occasion that you could invite them to? They might realise how awful they are being if they experience your hospitality, and get to know him, and quietly reverse their decision on the basis of education and being the better people?

If the invitation arrives and still not inclusive then I would 100% decline.

@ ImAvingOops but generally when people have a child free wedding that applies to all children, not just the one who behaves badly.

No-one would support a wedding where all children were welcomed except one.

Equally it would not be considered appropriate to say that they were having a disability free wedding where anyone with a disability was being excluded.

If the OP had posted that her nephew was getting married and that there were several people with disabilities in the family and they’d decided not to invite any of them the response on this thread would likely be unanimous.

Yet one person is being excluded on the basis of his disability and people are falling over themselves to justify it.

I’m really angry on your behalf. How could own family be so cruel? I can imagine what kind of behavior you are taking about and it’s absolutely nothing harmful. You would be there to look after him and advice him about behavior. His disability is obvious. I bet some drunks could be much more disruptive.
Your sister was very unkind and stupid. Does she still think that DS is catching? Or does she want to impress her new in laws how NT her family is?
I wouldn’t go in your place and tbh I wouldn’t go if my sibling was treated like this.

Please please tell your family exactly how horrible they are. I don't think you need to politely decline just delcine. Defo no present. They need to understand how hurtful it is to be disablist.

Your son should feel loved, valued and included by his family.

None of us would go.

None of us would go to this wedding at all.

On a slightly different subject there was a wedding over covid that I was invited to (NDN's) and her eldest DS is autistic but on the spectrum. He can behave strangely too. But on the day he was fine, had fun etc.

Can't believe certain people want to exclude others because they're different.

I'm sorry that your son has difficulties but I'm on your sisters side here. If he has form for harassing girls then I'm not sure I would want him there either. Clearly you haven't controlled the behaviour well in the past if you know exactly what behaviour they wouldn't want.

I'm with your DH, I'd decline. Your nephew is a grown up, he could have of had a grown up conversation with you "last time we were at a party, I know Jack got really overwhelmed and excited, it's been a few years so I just wondered about the wedding reception and if you thought he'd enjoy it or not" would give ample space for discussion and give you an easy opt out for him.
The fact his own aunt has backed this up with the "inappropriate" rather than "over friendly" - a massive distinction, would cut to the bone.

Do you think DS will go knowing his brother is bring excluded?

@ImAvingOops

autienotnaughty yes, the world would indisputably be better if society was more accommodating, but people aren't going to choose their wedding as the time to do it.

All the prejudice in the world started with one person saying to another "you don't belong here"

I'd tell them to shove their wedding up their arses. Bastards. Utter bastards. How fucking dare they.
for you

@ImAvingOops people shouldn't choose to accommodate others they just should.

@Autumndays123

I'm sorry that your son has difficulties but I'm on your sisters side here. If he has form for harassing girls then I'm not sure I would want him there either. Clearly you haven't controlled the behaviour well in the past if you know exactly what behaviour they wouldn't want.

By harassing, do you mean him reacting in a very naive way to inappropriate behaviour from people?

I mean who says to someone that yes they would be happy to have a hug/be their girlfriend when they don’t want to? And then are surprised when that person actually take them to their word?

Ah yes those people who assume everyone is able to understand that they are saying one thing but actually mean the opposite I suppose .
Never mind they would never do that if the person was NT

You can't invite one sibling and not the other to a family wedding. That's rude even without the other sibling being disabled.

Completely fair to decline and explain why.

@Spudina

I can totally understand your hurt. It’s seems that weddings (and the rise of child free ones) are becoming less about family all the time.

Because the cost is borne by the couple, and everything’s so expensive. Places and food taken up by kids (that the couple see at Christmas every year, if that) could be taken up by their actual friends.

AlternativePerspective if I was getting married and had one friend whose child was badly behaved, I'd have no qualms about excluding that child while still inviting others. Children are individuals and deserve to be treated as such.
Im not totally justifying the sister's actions - this is not something I would do to my brother's children. But at the same time, the OP wanted opinions because there's a whole future family relationship at stake and it's worth the OP giving consideration to whether she really is able to ensure her son behaves appropriately and to question whether the behaviour in the past has been minimised. Just my two pennies worth before there's a rift that no one can come back from.

@Clymene

Tell them to fuck off. No attending, no gift.

Disablist arseholes

Exactly this!

@bluedodecagon

I’ll be honest, he does sound sexually inappropriate. I mean, what does “getting carried away” mean? You said if he was getting carried away, you would intervene. What does that mean?

It sounds like he would push and pressure girls for a dance and you would intervene to stop him. I’m sorry but I completely understand why your sister doesn’t want that at her wedding.

@bluedodecagon Have you met anyone with DS? Because it really sounds like you haven't. Which is amazing to me, really. Some people with DS just don't quite have the same boundaries as people without DS. Sometimes they are very affectionate and like to show it - and I don't mean in a sexual way. People with DS might get 'carried away' in all sorts of ways. When my daughter was performing on stage one time, her friend with DS came up on stage to congratulate her. That would be 'inappropriate' or 'getting carried away' by most people's standards, because it's generally not what you do. It happened so quickly, the mum had no time to stop her, but it was sweet and funny and everyone was fine with it. There is a WORLD of difference between a person with DS being enthusiastic about dancing with girls at a party and some creepy guy pressuring girls with sexual advances. You seem to be mixing it all up together and it just screams to me that you have no experience at all with people with DS.

[quote autienotnaughty]@ImAvingOops
Or........[/quote]
*sorry for the detail OP!
Surely this is in the context of education?
And again not quite relevant because if we had smaller class sizes and more money/support everyone could be evaluated individually and or need a ‘system’ to be shoved into

I think this is disgusting. My aunt had DS (sadly no longer with us) and was an adult bridesmaid at one of my cousins wedding - she was treated like a queen in our family and my god we were proud of her. She was also a very affectionate person and would hug everyone or have playful flirt. There is NO way I'd be attending the wedding, I feel angry for you. :(

Incredibly hurtful and insensitive. I would be letting your family know exactly how you feel.

This is so cruel.

I think you’re right to all decline. On the day plan something lovely to do all together so your mind is distracted from the event.

Honestly if I found out one of my cousin's had done something like this I would refuse to go to their wedding and tell them why.

Disgusting behaviour.

@ImAvingOops

autienotnaughty yes, the world would indisputably be better if society was more accommodating, but people aren't going to choose their wedding as the time to do it.

But this shouldn't even be about the world being more accommodating. It should just be about family. I wouldn't want to marry someone who excluded my / his family member without any discussion because of what they thought they knew about his additional needs.