Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

They have shown you who they are and also given you a heads' up that the wedding will be a pretentious bore-fest. You will dodge a bullet by declining the invite.

There is a cousin in my extended family who didn't have one sister as a bridesmaid because she has cerebral palsy, the whole family still think badly of him and his wife, 10y on. It was a terribly dull wedding as well.

I would be furious. I’m with your husband - I would refuse the invite and make it very clear as to my reasons why. It’s bad enough fighting against disability discrimination from strangers, but from your own family! That’s just abhorrent.

Hell would freeze over before I'd have anything to do with anyone who excluded my son because of his disability.

How utterly horrible.
You've got to wonder about people who think this is ok; imagine one day if they have a disability and then don't get invited to events, I expect they'd be outraged.

I think it says more about the bride and grooms friends really that they would think that their cousin with DS would make them uncomfortable. The bride and groom need to take a good look at who they associate with.

Also, if it was their choice to exclude your DS I think it’s really cowardly to get your sister to tell you. Assuming they’re adults and it was their choice, they should have grown a pair and told you themselves. Goes to show they know full well they’re being arseholes.

I don’t blame you for not going, just horrible.

[quote HomeHomeInTheRange]@Simplelobsterhat

The OP has specifically stated that her Ds ASKS for a dance and if told no, moves on.

You are putting a lot of energy into being an apologist for disablism, and making some assumptions that sound pretty prejudiced.

Are people with learning disabilities not allowed to ASK for a dance like everyone else?[/quote]
Of course they can ask for a dance and I'm sorry if it sounded like I was defending the bride and groom. I'm not and I think it is very possible that they are just being disablist and looking for excuses. And I think op is entirely reasonable to be offended, upset and not go.

I am always interested to try and understand where people might be coming from though, if only to then dismiss their reasons as prejudiced with more confidence, so I was just interested to know if there might have been something that had happened before at a family event to put the idea of him 'pestering' girls in their heads? After all I'm assuming op isn't always in hearing range of every conversation to be absolutely sure he has always taken no for an answer first time. I'm not saying it did, just wondering why they are saying that specifically.

I guess i was also a bit taken aback by the posters who seemed to blame girls for feeling uncomfortable with unwanted advances. That's not a slight on OP or her son (who I understand always means well) at all, more about how dismissive other posters were being to the possibility of girls feeling threatened by an adult man they may not know.

Anyway, if nothing ever has happened to upset anyone then the bride and groom are being extremely unreasonable to suddenly imagine it would, and even if it has they should have had a word to see if there were ways of avoiding similar happening, not just cut him out.

DS1 will also be offended that his brother has not been invited and probably not attend either and this will create a family rift.

Your nephew and sister are creating a rift by their behaviour.

I wouldn’t attend the wedding. I wouldn’t be interested in a relationship with any of them either, its unforgivable.

@Aprilcherry04
Is it possible for him to have a 1:1 cater for the duration? Might reassure her.
I'm sure you meant carer ...that said...
The OP, her husband and her other son would be able to provide guidance when necessary.
Reassure her? OMG... Thank God that they are NOT going because there may be many people there that think the same as many here!

@bigbluebus I am so sorry for your loss..so very tragic. So happy that enjoyed love, acceptance from friends and family and happiness while she was with you. Bless you for giving her such.

Sorry for cross post OP. If there hasn't been a family gathering for years it doesn't sound like there could be a reason they are concerned, so sounds like they are being very unreasonable to assume there would be a problem with his behaviour.

Disgraceful behaviour from them. Normally I would say "their day, their way" but pointedly excluding one particular member of your family while inviting all of the others is simply unforgivable.

I am with your DH here. You all need to decline the invitation. I would clearly explain exactly why too, and how much it has hurt all of you. I wouldn't even care if it is passive aggressive or not.

If you accept the invitation as it is then you are condoning their discriminatory behaviour towards your poor DS. You would also never feel right leaving him behind. So decline.

If they then back down and issue a proper invitation to include all of you, with a full apology for their shitty behaviour then I would probably accept it. It would be an opportunity to go along and demonstrate to them how utterly wrong they were, how you do keep an eye on DS and intervene if needed.

I would definitely decline the invitation because they've clearly shown they aren't worried about causing a rift in the family and your DS2 deserves better.

FWIW a friend I met at uni has a brother with DS and I met him at her birthday party. From your description of DS2 I think they're very similar - friends brother told me my dress was nice, I was pretty and asked could we dance and could he hold my hand. I said yes to the dance and no the holding hands and he was perfectly accepting of that. He was (and still is) lovely, people who know him love him a lot and people who don't either come to like him quickly or find it easy to create some distance because he happily accepts a no from those people.
If they're as alike as they seem from your description he'd bring some fun and happiness to a wedding - I'm so annoyed on your behalf OP.

Horrible people - I was a wedding where the groom's mum had a new partner, and he has an adult dd "B" with DS - this DD has been warmly welcomed by the entire family and had a wonderful time at the wedding - I've got some great video of her dancing with the groom while the bride danced with B's dad.

To my mind the love and acceptance of difference made that wedding even more special. Your DS's cousins are the people losing out by not inviting him.

@Aprilcherry04

Well he's not invited so I have no need to get a 1 to 1. The problem I have with my son is that people think he's cute and funny and encourage him by offering a hug and laugh when he says he loves them. Then they are surprised when he returns for more attention. That's what I mean by getting carried away. They say things to him like yes they'd love to be his girlfriend and he thinks they mean it. DH and I are always wary of people who are not familiar with him and would discourage this behaviour. It doesn't happen everywhere he goes and as he's got older (and not so cute) people are less indulgent - which is actually a good thing. And yes it is common for some adult people with DS to hug strangers because people I correctly view it as appropriate so it becomes learned behaviour. We haven't had a large family gathering for many years so I think my DN may be referencing when my son was much younger. There is a chance that we may have decided that my DS2 might have not benefited from attending the evening party but I feel that was up to us as parents to decide.

Well were there specific incidents where his behaviour caused a huge ruckus? Multiple posters have asked but you haven’t really answered. Obviously a child hugging people is very different from a 6 ft man doing say (not saying that your DS is that tall!) but equally were you always closely supervising when he was young? If you didn’t at that time maybe that why? I still think they should have discussed it not a blanket no. It may not be about your son, but about you as a supervisor.

Also…although it’s mean to exclude people sometimes it makes sense. For example adult autistic children with violent meltdowns which even the parents can’t control (I know one who’s been pushed around and hit by her son, it’s getting harder now that he’s a big strong man).

But people being ‘a bit uncomfortable’ yeah screw that.

*adult autistic people obviously… they can’t be adults and children simultaneously!

I would be incredibly hurt and angry about this. Its bad enough that there is so much disability discrimination in general, but from your own close family. Unforgiveable

@Aprilcherry04

Well he's not invited so I have no need to get a 1 to 1. The problem I have with my son is that people think he's cute and funny and encourage him by offering a hug and laugh when he says he loves them. Then they are surprised when he returns for more attention. That's what I mean by getting carried away. They say things to him like yes they'd love to be his girlfriend and he thinks they mean it. DH and I are always wary of people who are not familiar with him and would discourage this behaviour. It doesn't happen everywhere he goes and as he's got older (and not so cute) people are less indulgent - which is actually a good thing. And yes it is common for some adult people with DS to hug strangers because people I correctly view it as appropriate so it becomes learned behaviour. We haven't had a large family gathering for many years so I think my DN may be referencing when my son was much younger. There is a chance that we may have decided that my DS2 might have not benefited from attending the evening party but I feel that was up to us as parents to decide.

This resonates with me so much. We tried to get DS involved in clubs and sport (karate was a particularly difficult one). They thought it was hilarious when he was a bit daft and encouraged him to punch them in the stomach as hard as he could to show off their abs. When I tried to stop him they just didn’t get it and thought I was being mean. I had to stop taking him in the end because their flexibility with boundaries made no sense to him and he just wasn’t safe as he didn’t understand how to behave. He’d have been fine if they just listened to my requests but instead he messed about and ended up having to leave.

@Simplelobsterhat at no point did op use the word pester. She described a young man who would ask to girls to dance and understands the word no. People are taking the term 'carried away' as a sexual thing more likely it's a innocent enthusiasm.

[quote Aprilcherry04]@WTF475878237NC He knows to ask permission to dance, hug, kiss or touch someone . He has DS which is physically obvious so I would hope that people understand that and would be kind and polite in their refusal. He has asked his DB's girlfriend for a hug in the past and she says no thanks and he just shrugs.[/quote]
It probably has nothing to do with his behaviour, OP, and everything to do with his DS. I have known of many couples recently who don’t invite family / friends with physical disabilities to ‘get better photos’. In this situation I think the most appropriate action is for everyone in your family not to go at all & don’t give a gift. If your sister questions any part of it make it clear to her that if her son really cared about his aunt and cousins he wouldn’t have excluded just one of them.

This should have been a proper conversation. Whether he has behaved badly in the past or not, it should not have been a "by the way, your son isn't invited".

If you all decline, it will throw it all into the light and then it will be a thing... and that might be what they want. They want their opinion of your son to be discussed but they don't want to be the ones to directly start the discussion.

PP's are right, just don't go. It doesn't really matter that much, your sons are your first priority. Conversely, your nephew's wedding comes pretty far down the list.

It's a shame, but these things do happen.

My own cousin has severe ASN and he was at my wedding. He shouted all the way through and the hog roast made him cry 😭 😅
But I wouldn't have excluded him. Ever. What the hell, seriously.

So sorry, OP.

I'm a bit torn tbh.
When people choose not to invite children to weddings, it's not the child they don't want, it's often the behaviour. And then dealing with parents who might promise to keep on top of their dc, but in reality allow them to be noisy through the vows and refuse to remove them when their behaviour gets out of hand.
Now I know that you say you will control your son but lots of parents underplay their children's behaviour because it's their norm and they don't always see how disruptive it is and therefore don't deal with it when needed.
You also say it's your choice as parents but it's their event. It kind of does have parallels with those parents who think it's their right to take their dc everywhere regardless of the opinion of the people whose wedding it is.
Now I'm not saying your son is a child, but there might be parallels in the behaviour that they are trying to avoid. It's not the same (to me) as excluding someone who is blind or on a wheelchair.

Having said all that I totally get why you are hurt. You would hope that your family would love your child enough to want them there no matter what, to see his presence as a priority. It's quite hard when you realise that your siblings don't always love your kids as much as you do.

If you are really, objectively certain that you could ensure your son wouldn't be disruptive or inappropriate, then that's one thing. But it sounds like your sister doesn't believe that.
You aren't wrong for not going though - your son is your priority just as your sister's child is hers. It is cold though and not something that most people would do.

This is so sad. Yes it is always up to the couple getting married to makes the decisions, but this decision has certainly said so much about their values. I would not be to view them in the same light again, it is such an inhumain decision to exclude one cousin.

I would decline (tell the to feck off) and probably decline (feck off for eternity )to associate with these people ever again. They are discriminating against your son and for family to that must multiply the hurt.

@Simplelobsterhat , fair enough, and thank you for engaging with my comments.

I am not sure anyone has actually said it is Ok for women and girls to be sexually harassed / pestered, and the OP and her DH seem very challenging conscious of not wanting that to happen.

If on a previous occasion some friend or family member had been the focus of pestering / harassment then why couldn’t the OP’s sister say “oh, you might want to know that your Ds crossed a boundary with xx, so maybe keep a close eye?” and address the issue directly. Rather than blanket ‘No Invitation!”.

It is interesting what the OP says in a later post about people inadvertently encouraging him into non standard behaviour.

I can totally understand your hurt. It’s seems that weddings (and the rise of child free ones) are becoming less about family all the time.

@ImAvingOops
Or........