Page 13 | Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

eggsandwich · 01/03/2022 12:37

As a mum to a young adult with severe learning difficulties I too would be very upset.

While I understand that the bride and groom can invite whoever they choose, you don’t single one person from a family out because of their difficulties, they should of spoken to you directly and let you make the call on whether or not you think he would be able to cope with the day.

When my niece got married we as a family were all invited, but my dh and myself made the decision to decline our sons invite as we felt the day would be too much for him so instead made arrangements for him to go for respite the weekend of the wedding.

On the day of the wedding during the speeches when the groom was giving out gifts one being for our daughter who was their bridesmaid he also gave a gift for our son who was unable to attend, I was so touched by this I did cry.

BeHappy91818 · 01/03/2022 12:39

I think they are pretty vile to exclude your DS.

I wouldn’t attend and I’d see it as entirely their rift that they caused.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2022 12:40

@Everydaydayisaschoolday

I can see both sides. When I was in 6th I did some volunteer work at a local farm centre for adults with learning difficulties. On the whole it was great and I really enjoyed it but I can remember one man with DS took a fancy to me and at times it was terrifying. For all that I knew he had Downs and didn't mean to offend me he was a still a very well built, fully grown man paying unwanted attention to a 7 stone teenager.

But that being said, I think your cousin is BU. If his parents are there to deflect any unwelcome attentions on his part I think she should invite him.

So the safeguarding (for both of you) wasn't in place

Again, not the same

Starseeking · 01/03/2022 12:40

My DD has SEN and is non-verbal, although she makes noise when she chooses to! I take her everywhere I take her NT brother.

If any of my family, or friends for that matter, behaved like this, I wouldn't go. I'd probably cut them off afterwards, knowing this is truly how accepting they are of a family member.

Davros · 01/03/2022 12:41

He should be invited and they should trust you and your DH to either decline on your own terms or accept and make sure he's ok. I had this years ago when DD got Xmas gifts but DS didn't. He wouldn't know if he got them or not but I bloody did!

jolota · 01/03/2022 12:41

I agree that this is so awful that he hasn't been invited & that your cousin didn't at least reach out to explain the concerns so you could have at put their mind at rest rather than you poor son not being invited at all.
I personally would not attend in this situation & would not be afraid to explain why if asked. It's extremely unacceptable to discriminate on this basis.
I think most people would have a basic understanding of DS & I would hope as you said, react politely if you son asked them to dance.
From what you've said it does seem that he understands boundaries and there's nothing wrong with him asking for a dance or hug as long as he respects when the answer is no.
FWIW my poor SIL were hounded by my Uncle at my wedding reception. It was extremely embarrassing for me & we had to have them 'rescued' multiple times from him cornering them and generally being a complete creep. They were too shy & polite to tell him to fuck off so he kept coming back and I felt absolutely dreadful about it but took comfort in that fact that they'll never see him again as they live abroad & we rarely see my Uncle anyway as he's a dick.
This does not seem like the same situation at all though, this was an entitled creepy 60 year old man, whereas your son sounds like he would just like to politely ask someone to dance & would be fine walking away if they said no. If you are there to supervise and ensure he doesn't get fixated or make someone uncomfortable then I really don't see the issue.
It would probably be a great experience in understanding for everyone involved!

starfishmummy · 01/03/2022 12:44

We have a child with SN. If any if our families excluded him like this then our relationship with them would over.

Mamamia344 · 01/03/2022 12:47

I wouldn't attend. I think I would decline and just say that you would rather stay with your son and wish them all the best. It doesn't have to cause a big fall out.
If they do back track then go and just show them that they had nothing to worry about.
How hurtful though , sending hugs x

FairyPrincess123 · 01/03/2022 12:53

@Aprilcherry04

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

There are several people here who are behaving inappropriately and none of them is your son.

Sorry for this, it must be hard.

CourtRand · 01/03/2022 12:57

It's sad but tbh people can invite who they want to their own wedding. It's not about you...

I'm not inviting half my cousins and am only inviting the few who I have a better bond with. At £100-200 a head you can't invite people who will not make the day a happy one.

Sorry.

CourtRand · 01/03/2022 13:00

Also, as devastating as it is, if your son is ND then you should prepare yourself... because society won't accept him as he is. That's one of the major reasons disability is so hard :(

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 01/03/2022 13:00

Splitting up another family unit as part of your own wedding is not an auspicious start to married life!

Weddings are built around symbolism. Every part of the ceremony and the day respresents something about life ahead for the couple.

It seems that this marriage is not being built to last.

autienotnaughty · 01/03/2022 13:00

@Everydaydayisaschoolday the difference is the reason that happened was because the trained staff running the centre failed to safeguard you both. Op has stated they are more than competent at supporting their son. Not comparable .

MildlyMiserable · 01/03/2022 13:00

I would be making my family unavailable for the wedding, having booked an overnight stay (spending the money I would’ve on the wedding) to go on an outing with my son and having a splendid time of it!!
You no longer have to decide who goes or explain why.
Your nephew is being an arsehole but this saves fallouts.

Autumndays123 · 01/03/2022 13:02

@AlternativePerspective

I'm sorry that your son has difficulties but I'm on your sisters side here. If he has form for harassing girls then I'm not sure I would want him there either. Clearly you haven't controlled the behaviour well in the past if you know exactly what behaviour they wouldn't want. how about you go and actually read the OP’s posts instead of spouting your own opinions based on prejudice and nothing more.

And best hope you never end up with a disability. After all, we’re all just a car crash away.

I'm not sure what being in a car crash has to do with the fact the OP has explicitly stated her son likes to ask girls to dance, tell them he loves them, ask them to be his girlfriend and asks them for hugs and kisses - can you not see the difference there? Have you thought maybe girls (note not women) have felt intimidated in the past and the sister does not want this?

SoonbeSpringtime · 01/03/2022 13:02

I’d decline and offer no further comment or explanation.

AndAsIfByMagic · 01/03/2022 13:05

I keep coming back to this with disbelief. Has DS2 always been included in everything in the past? It seems so. You seem to be a close family, what do your parents think?

I can only think something has happened and no one told you about it but that seems very unlikely.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2022 13:06

@Seedandyarn

I can see both sides it seems cold and I would worry this would start a new pattern of behaviour with your family side lining your family.

However I would feel uncomfortable around a grown adult male that asked for a cuddle regardless of SN or not as a female it would be intimidating especially it it was on a dark dance floor lots of people distracted. I would probably leave the venue.

It sounds like he has caused problems for females at other family get togethers and people probably not wanting to upset you haven't properly addressed it with you and your DH.
Is there anyway to talk about this as family together?

I'm assuming that a young man, clearly with DS, asking ASKING for a hug and then walking away when you saying no is so traumatic that you'd have to leave is due to some history of sexual trauma and I'm sorry for that. But you're more at risk of a stray hand from a drunk NT male in general than from a young man asking for a hug and being told no and so leaving. Should we exclude all men too?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2022 13:08

@AndAsIfByMagic

I keep coming back to this with disbelief. Has DS2 always been included in everything in the past? It seems so. You seem to be a close family, what do your parents think?

I can only think something has happened and no one told you about it but that seems very unlikely.

Seems more likely the nephew / future are idiots than DS has assaulted someone in ops presence and she doesn't know

SpangledShambles · 01/03/2022 13:12

Politely decline as you say. It would be very damaging for you DS’s self esteem if his immediately family circle did not stand full with him. All or none. And if they press you as to why, you just have to say that- we are a family and we come as a family or not at all. And if the extend a late invite to DS you can truthfully say, that is not a sincere invite, it’s a forced one which we do not wish you to forced for us. We’re good thanks!

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 01/03/2022 13:17

And for anyone worried about being targetted by a disabled adult asking for a cuddle here's an example of a conversation I had with ds friend recently.

Me - > Hello Ds friend, how are you?

Ds friend - > hello Neil, I am very pleased to meet you. Can i have a hug?

Me - > Well I don't really want a hug, but I can shake your hand instead if you'd like?

Ds friend - > yes. I would like to shake your hand

Me - > Goodbye DS friend. Have a nice afternoon

Ds friend. - > Goodbye Neil, it was very nice. To meet you. I like your DS. Goodbye.

It really isnt that hard to engage with people who have disabilities. They aren't anything to be afraid of.

nitsandwormsdodger · 01/03/2022 13:17

I would definitely decline mentioning that you come as a family unit and the days of DS kids being shut away are over

send a gift of Down’s syndrome awareness leaflets , books videos and a subscription to a disability magazine for whole family

TooOldandTired · 01/03/2022 13:19

God that is really awful op. The only cousin they are not inviting is your DS because he has down syndrome and even worse they have admitted that. They sound like pretty disgusting human beings to be honest. You DH is right, not only would I not be going to their wedding I would seriously considering cutting contact with them all together.

Needdoughnuts · 01/03/2022 13:22

I'd be really upset with my sister. If her son and fiancé actually did raise the concerns like she said, why didn't she put them straight? Or at least speak to op first about ways they could all keep an eye on him for any perceived exuberance. Not just come out and say he's not invited.

whynotwhatknot · 01/03/2022 13:23

Its disgusting

because your nephew said it n the firs tplace

that your sister seems to agree and just pased the message on

its a bloody evening do what the hell everyone is dancing and drinking what is their problem

id tell them all to stick it p their arse