Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

@maddy68

It's horrible. But I can kinda understand. They will have a lot of people at the wedding and if your son in likely to prevent then from having a good time then the majority win here I'm afraid

Bloody hell. I'm Godparent to a Downs teen, she's the most precious young adult. It truly boils my piss to read some of the ignorance on here. And the apologists are just as bigoted. Surely part of being an adult in a community is your ability to feel empathy and tolerance of different people including those with disabilities. Having spent time with my goddaughter in hundreds of social settings I have only ever seen people welcome and embrace her.

I just don't believe the majority would condone this.

@maddy68 that's a disgraceful view. Do you know how damaging it is to people's self esteem to not be included?! Everyone disabled or not needs to have a place in society. People who are intolerant should stay at home.

I would explain it to your sister - how you would keep an eye on him and how it isn't a problem and if that didn't change her mind then wouldn't go.

DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation.

I'm with your DH. Caught up in the 'Our Day' (so you will do precisely as we dictate) mentality, some couples lose sight of the people around them entirely. Guests' comfort and all having a happy celebration together be damned, if anything less than perceived 'perfection' threatens to spoil the pristine photographs.

I truly despise what weddings have fairly recently become. They too-often seem to be open-season for people to behave dictatorially and with callous disregard for others because ... 'Our Day'. I've witnessed more than one such result in permanent family estrangement, or the termination of years-long friendships.

IME, they are simply not worth the trouble.

"I find the attitude to weddings that some people have these days is very sad Surely it’s about celebrating your commitment in front of the people who care about you in an informal relaxed way that everyone can enjoy. Not some controlled “ perfect” Instagram moment."

So agree with this.

If someone said my DC couldn't attend a family event because they're disabled, I'm not sure how I'd get over that tbh.

I'd say something like "sadly, I've spent the last 20 years battling to get society to accept my beloved son. I can't face that fight in my own family. So unfortunately, none of us are willing to attend in these circumstances, we hope the happy couple have a lovely day"

I’m disgusted for you op. He has ds he is not some pervert like your family are making out.
Where is the understanding, the compassion, the acceptance? I’m with your dh I would decline and wouldn’t be polite about it.
They do not seem very informed people.

I had a family wedding last year, where one of the cousins (15) has additional needs. Her behaviour can be over familiar and inappropriate. The entire extended family looked out for her and we all made sure she was ok. She had a lovely time. Her parents would have, quite rightly, told the bridal party to shove their invitation where the sun doesn’t shine if they’d suggested she didn’t come.

maddy68 - It's horrible. But I can kinda understand. They will have a lot of people at the wedding and if your son in likely to prevent then from having a good time then the majority win here I'm afraid

His "inappropriate behaviour" that OP described isnt going to prevent anyone from having a good time. And I do not personally believe he is doing anything wrong. He sounds like a very sweet young man. Also his DF is clearly on the ball with his "behaviour" so its not like he wouldn't be watched. Surely the grooms love for his cousin should outweigh any slight embarassment they may feel at his "behaviour".

I'd say something like "sadly, I've spent the last 20 years battling to get society to accept my beloved son. I can't face that fight in my own family. So unfortunately, none of us are willing to attend in these circumstances, we hope the happy couple have a lovely day"

THIS!! Perfectly put @Acesup

maybe the happy couple just don't want to take the risk of their big day being spoilt. @Dillydollydingdong - because of course someone with DS attending a picture perfect Instagram wedding wouldn’t it?! 🙄🙄 ridiculous!

@maddy68 - I’m honestly baffled by your post too!

@Aprilcherry04 OP, I’d decline the invite and I’m sure your other DS will do the same. Your lovely boy is not there to be picked up and dropped by the extended family when it suits them to have him around ❤️ And what a shame when it’s the kind of event that he’d really enjoy! Perhaps you could plan a family weekend for you DH and your boys that weekend and spend some quality time together personally I couldn’t be polite to my family in the situation that they’ve put you in. If you can then you’re a bigger person than me!! I’d be telling them exactly what I thought of the situation!

This sounds so bloody horrible on their part.

I have two cousins with Down's syndrome. They were adopted and have bought so much happiness.

Every single family party you can guarantee they will both be up on the dance floor showing the others how you party!

I'm so sad for your son, I would be telling them exactly what I think of them.

*would ruin it

@Acesup

I'd say something like "sadly, I've spent the last 20 years battling to get society to accept my beloved son. I can't face that fight in my own family. So unfortunately, none of us are willing to attend in these circumstances, we hope the happy couple have a lovely day"

This.

@Acesup

I'd say something like "sadly, I've spent the last 20 years battling to get society to accept my beloved son. I can't face that fight in my own family. So unfortunately, none of us are willing to attend in these circumstances, we hope the happy couple have a lovely day"

Perfectly put 👏🏻

@louiseofthelakes

I am so sorry, OP and understand your feelings so well. But I am so glad you posted because it is giving others an insight into what it is like when others do not accept your disabled child.

I adopted four children, two of whom have learning difficulties and autism. That was the day invitations stopped. Throughout their childhood they were very rarely invited to weddings or other social events and the same now they are adults, though their other siblings often are. They would not have behaved in an way to make anyone uncomfortable, did not have meltdowns and should their have been any issues we would have been on the spot anyway. Because of our refusals to attend without them, we found invitations for us soon stopped as well. When I look back I do wish I had said something instead of just quietly refusing the invitation for the rest of us. So I do hope that you mention this to your sister/bride and groom so they know how inappropriate their decision is. I let everyone get away with it - but don't you!

Now adults I have found the long term consequences have been that my sons are so overly delighted if they are asked anywhere. They are so used to not being asked anywhere that if they ever are, they are so excited and grateful, hugely so. That makes me actually sadder than anything.

@louiseofthelakes - interesting what you say re your adopted children and learning difficulties and autism.

A close friend has 2 DDs with ADHD and a hearing difficulty. The ADHD DD is or was medicated and wasn't on it in the holidays. I won't lie, some of the behaviour I witnessed when I visited (from UK, they live in USA) was awful - but I understood this was her ADHD kicking in and her mum explained this to me. I attended a big family party once and of course her DD would've been there. My friend did tell me her DD's were asked to be bridesmaids at her sister and brother's weddings and they had to make a decision if she would be on medication then - it was decided yes, that was best. I can't recall if for the rest of the wedding (not destination but involved 2-3 nights stay at least due to distance) there was medication involved but they would have accommodated this. However both her sister and brother would never have excluded the girls from the weddings and took both their disabilities on board - the hearing one isn't as bad as I think she has a hearing aid but can hear very well.

Don't get me wrong - the DD with ADHD still has a few issues - and I noticed this last time we all met up, but she's a lovely young woman as is her sister and both girls are now early 20s/late teens and are a pleasure to have around.

My friend has told me, like you, that some invites have been refused to her family in the past - mostly by friends. But as she attends a college where other children have disabilities then this is less.

People like @maddy68 and others like her really make me angry - how dare she say that a disabled person will spoil a wedding so therefore shouldn't come. It truly is ignorance on her part and others like her. If the majority of people at the wedding think it will spoil their fun then it says way more about them than it does about the disabled person attending and their family.

I can see both sides it seems cold and I would worry this would start a new pattern of behaviour with your family side lining your family.

However I would feel uncomfortable around a grown adult male that asked for a cuddle regardless of SN or not as a female it would be intimidating especially it it was on a dark dance floor lots of people distracted. I would probably leave the venue.

It sounds like he has caused problems for females at other family get togethers and people probably not wanting to upset you haven't properly addressed it with you and your DH.
Is there anyway to talk about this as family together?

@TreatTrimTame

maddy68 - It's horrible. But I can kinda understand. They will have a lot of people at the wedding and if your son in likely to prevent then from having a good time then the majority win here I'm afraid

His "inappropriate behaviour" that OP described isnt going to prevent anyone from having a good time. And I do not personally believe he is doing anything wrong. He sounds like a very sweet young man. Also his DF is clearly on the ball with his "behaviour" so its not like he wouldn't be watched. Surely the grooms love for his cousin should outweigh any slight embarassment they may feel at his "behaviour".

@TreatTrimTame - agreed with all you say - the family including DF and other son will be watching out for the other son as to how he behaves - which is how it should be - whilst ensuring he has fun too!

I'm wondering how well the groom actually knows the cousin? Seems not that well really.

Some of the accusations on here are disgusting...... For what it's worth it often takes people who have learning disabilities a little longer to learn boundaries and social etiquette, this goes for most things as they have a developmental delay.
My ds has a disability, and whilst this doesn't apply to he has a lot of friends who like hugs and physical contact. A lot of work is done around this, in all my years of being around disabled adults ive never been grabbed or made to feel uncomfortable.......and placing a sexual motive behind a man asking for a dance whether he has DS or not is just fucked up.

@Seedandyarn

I can see both sides it seems cold and I would worry this would start a new pattern of behaviour with your family side lining your family.

However I would feel uncomfortable around a grown adult male that asked for a cuddle regardless of SN or not as a female it would be intimidating especially it it was on a dark dance floor lots of people distracted. I would probably leave the venue.

It sounds like he has caused problems for females at other family get togethers and people probably not wanting to upset you haven't properly addressed it with you and your DH.
Is there anyway to talk about this as family together?

@Seedandyarn - really??

All that needs to happen is that everyone in the wedding party is subtly aware of the SN adult male and that he may ask for a cuddle or a dance but that it's nothing to worry about!

How can that be hard to understand or to put in place? I would be absolutely fine with this.

@Clymene

Tell them to fuck off. No attending, no gift.

Disablist arseholes

^^ this with bells on. @Clymene i like your style

They can shove their wedding and their idea of family too.

How will they cope with family judgements if they ever have a disabled child??

I like @Beautiful3 idea have your own lovely family celebration just your own household.

I can see both sides. When I was in 6th I did some volunteer work at a local farm centre for adults with learning difficulties. On the whole it was great and I really enjoyed it but I can remember one man with DS took a fancy to me and at times it was terrifying. For all that I knew he had Downs and didn't mean to offend me he was a still a very well built, fully grown man paying unwanted attention to a 7 stone teenager.

But that being said, I think your cousin is BU. If his parents are there to deflect any unwelcome attentions on his part I think she should invite him.

SleepingStandingUp
"Just step back and assess. Because your sis has been honest and upfront about it. She may have even said it in a nice way so if Sis had said that OPs son with her second husband couldn't come because he's mixed heritage, but she was honest and upfront about it, and had even said it in "nice" way, would that be OK? Oh because his Dad is Sikh he might not understand a Christian wedding and might not like the English food and might make people uncomfortable with his confusion.
What about her gay son? Well he might not feel comfortable at a heterosexual wedding and wouldn't want people to feel uncomfortable with people seeing him and his bf slow dancing?
I mean, as long as we say "look, I am disablist but I'm trying to use gentle works and a kind tone" do you seriously think it's OK?"

I completely agree with you.

@maddy68

It's horrible. But I can kinda understand. They will have a lot of people at the wedding and if your son in likely to prevent then from having a good time then the majority win here I'm afraid

They will have lots of friends and the bride's family there and they're embarrassed by the groom's disabled cousin

There. Fixed it for you.

I'm the older sibling to a person with Downs and hell would freeze over before I went to a family wedding in these circumstances.

Thankfully I would never be in this position though, as my family are loving, inclusive, tolerant, kind people who adore the bones of him. In fact, he's part of a wider disabled community and it's not uncommon for us to have multiple guests with Downs and other disabilities at family functions.

What you say about some people encouraging and confusing him with hugs and attention also really resonates. I've experienced pissed up idiots from outside the family getting up and dancing with him, which is fine to an extent (my brother loves to dance!), but they'll then get a bit arsey if he wants a rest or keep barging over to take selfies with him "wheres my mate gone?!" and all that kind of business - as if he's some kind of fucking mascot. Some bonkers young lass behaved like this at a function we went to a couple of years ago and after several failed attempts at politely asking her to back off I had to speak to the other people on her table (who I assumed were her parents/ siblings) to get them to intervene.