Vent: SIL chose date just before my baby's due date for her destination wedding

[AngelenaBalarina]

I'm just wondering how others would feel about this situation, and would appreciate perspective from brides as well as mums-to-be. Basically, right after my husband and I found out we were pregnant, he learned that SIL and her fiance' were planning to get engaged. I was only about 6 weeks pregnant at the time, but we decided to go ahead and tell SIL and my husbands extended family before SIL and her then BF got engaged so as not to "steal their thunder" (i.e., we were afraid that if we announced our pregnancy after they got engaged it might make them feel we were trying to take the spotlight away from the engagement) and so they could have their moment. In the same conversation, we chatted casually with SIL about the date when baby was due.

Fast-forward, and SIL and her fiance' got engaged a few days later and started chatting about dates and venues abroad for a destination wedding. SIL chatted with DH (her brother) about what her thoughts were and said the place they wanted to get married is a 10 hour flight from where we live and at a remote location -- and that she was looking to get married during the month baby is due. DH reminded SIL that I wouldn't be able to fly after about 6-7 months of pregnancy and reminded her when the baby was due and explained that I would not be able to attend if she chose that timeframe and that our two small children also would then not be able to attend, and that he certainly wouldn't risk leaving me too close to the due date to attend by himself.

In the end, SIL and her fiance' chose a date about 3 weeks before I am due, which means our children (SIL's only nephew and niece) and I won't be able to attend. This places DH in a difficult position as well, as he is nervous about going so close to the due date but will still probably go provided the pregnancy is straightforward. DH is sad to have to spend the money on an expensive flight ticket when the rest of us can't go, and is sad that the children and I won't be a part of the occasion. SIL has so few family members just her parents, brother (my DH) and myself along with DH's and my children. I do feel that SIL has always resented me for marrying her brother because they had a close relationship and he had less time for her after he started dating me and got married, but I had hoped that she had moved beyond those resentments as things seemed to be a bit better now that she had her own partner, and I hoped having all the family together for a wedding would be important to her.

As an aside, when DH and I got married, we also had an international wedding... but we asked his family when they were available to fly internationally and even accommodated SIL's work schedule and pushed our wedding back by two months so she could maintain the work schedule she wanted.

In the end, I totally believe that it's her right to chose when she has her wedding and obviously having the date and venue she wanted was more important to her than having her niece, nephew and me at her wedding. I just find it a bit of a disappointment that it wasn't a higher priority to her as from my perspective it's nice for family to be able to celebrate milestones together if at all possible. Wondering what others think of this, and how some of you would handle it. Thanks in advance.

Your SIL can't win in this situation. I suspect she planned to have a wedding in a certain time frame and no date would have been suitable for you to attend due to your pregnancy. What if she's moved the wedding to 3 or 4 months later. Would you have travelled then? I doubt it.

I think she just plumped for the date they as a couple wanted knowing that it is likely none of you can go in the timeframe in which they wanted to get married.

Ahhh @Candyflip actual correct answer is her news, her choice! She has no control over people's reaction to that news, but she certainly has a right to announce it whenever she wants.

At no point has the OP said she didn't want to DH to go to the wedding she actually said that her DH is nervous about travelling so close to his child's due date.

Either he goes or doesn't, if he doesn't and sil had chosen that date in order to exclude OP she's a fool. If she doesn't actually care and had chosen that date because it suits her and those that cannot attend don't - then good luck to her!

It will only become apparent which is true if the OP's DH chooses not to go and sil kicks off, a fact we will only know if the OP chooses to post.

The OP acknowledged that from her perspective that it was sad that her dc weren't more important to her sil but that's just a fact that the OP has to accept!

Just wondering why you think she's chosen the destination 10 hours away?

Totally agree SIL couldn't do right for wrong here unless she got married within a couple of months of getting engaged (I did it but it was difficult) or months after you gave birth.

@oliviastabler actually, I'd say that 3 or 4 months later would have been easy - it's a very portable time for a small baby, so could have been a family holiday, or alternatively things should be established enough for him to travel for a week with the rest of the family at home.
Her wedding her choice, but given that op and her DH moved their own wedding date by 2 months to accommodate SIL's work schedule, I think that at minimum SIL should have got in touch apologetically to explain...

she certainly has a right to announce it whenever she wants yep, 5 seconds before her SIL.

I read this as SIL not wanting you there, too.

No of course he shouldn't go. His responsibility is to be there to give whatever support you need and guarantee (barring the unforeseeable) he'll be at the birth. WTF is so wrong with this society that pregnant women get treated as if pregnancy is a risk-free minor inconvenience and we should expect ourselves to be capable of dealing with whatever's thrown at us, on our own. It's just not true, and so wrong. And unless SIL is paying for his flight, accommodation AND professional home care and support for you while he's away, I'd be very antsy about the cost, too.

I’m a bit ‘meh’ about all this. Your SIL has decided on the date and you can’t go. Simple as that really, IMO your dh should either take your dc with him (I would be impractical for you to look after 2dc alone that far along the pregnancy - yes I know single mothers do, but you have an option not to), or you dh and dc stays at home. This would be my preference in your situation.

So your SIL accepts you, dh and dc won’t be there and everyone simply gets on with it. It’s life really. The timing sucks but kids and weddings happen.

Ils +dh had plans to be away when I was 37 weeks.
Ds arrived at 35 weeks and they never forgave us (me) that dh didn't go with them.
Your pregnancy takes priority over her wedding tell your dh.

@Namechange128 Possibly. I don't have children myself but do see posts on MN about not wanting to travel when a baby is only a few months old so that's where I was coming from.

I guess another possibility is that their destination might have weather challenges a few months later than the date set i.e. monsoon, too hot at that time of year etc.

It’s a no brainer
A ten hour flight away when you’ll be 37 weeks pregnant with your third child.

She made her choice as she is entitled to. Your DH doesn’t really have one

Obviously you, DH & your DC can't attend, SIL knew this when she planned it (so clearly it's not a priority to have you all there)

That's a pity, but it is her wedding after all, so her choice.

Try not take it personally or cause a scene, it would be a shame to fall out over this or involve the wider family. She will probably regret not having you all there in the end, but is so caught up in wedding fever right now she's not really thinking straight.

Oh god my husband would not be going.

Possibly biased as most of mine have been early but a friend has just delivered at 37 weeks on the dot with zero complications or warning.

Did your first children arrive on time or late? Will you manage two older children at that stage of pregnancy?

I don't think needs any thought really. They are ok with you not being there and they can't be that fussed about your DH being there either...

I'd decline straightaway and not worry about it. If anyone questions it just spell out that you let them know you dates before they booked the wedding and it was there choice. Smile and repeat....

They have actually done you a favour as you now done have to spend a mint on going to their wedding.

He 100% can't go either.

Hmm, in two minds about your timing seeing as you said they got engaged mere days after your 6 weeks announcement. If you have waited until 12 weeks at least then there would have been at least 6 weeks between announcements.

Hey ho, none of you can go. So be it!

I have no idea who would want to spend the money to fly 10hr to someone else's wedding? I certainly wouldn't! Save the money for the new baby and ignore your cow of a SIL.

I can only assume that she isn't too bothered if the kids make it or not which is fair enough, not everyone wants kids at weddings. It's a shame, but I don't think she's being THAT awful either, she probably didn't think that you'd be up for flying with a young baby either, and perhaps she couldn't plan it quickly enough for you to be able to fly (or in the right season for the wedding depending on where she is getting married).

IMO she's doing exactly what she wants, so you/DH should do exactly what works best for the two of you - him going/taking kids/not going.

This is exactly what Skype and other video streaming things are for.

I have several friends whose only option was to send video messages due to work, finances, family commitments etc. Including siblings and grandparents.

It's more her motivation that would annoy me. Still hope she enjoys your cheery well wishes on the day from all of you sat ( un) comfortably in the UK.

Thanks for all the feedback, ladies, it's been really helpful. :)

The most helpful point for me was the view shared by most of you that you wouldn't want your DH's to be away at that stage of pregnancy. Because my other children have been born at 39 and 42 weeks, my initial thought was that I would be fine if DH was away for only a few days as long as I had help from friends and some babysitting. But really thinking that through, it's naive to assume I wouldn't go into labour earlier simply because I didn't in the past. I really do want DH to be able to attend his sister's wedding because I know it would mean something to him, but as you say it really does mean taking a risk that he will miss the birth.

Great ideas re having DH bring at least one of the children with him if he were to go. It would only make sense if he brought our oldest as it would really be crazy to try to manage both toddlers alone on the plane, rental car, during the wedding, etc. I wouldn't do all of that alone and DH has less experience in their day to day management than I do. However, if he were just to bring our oldest, we would have to pay for a full flight ticket, and in that case I'd rather just know both kids were safe at home and use the money for a babysitter to help me.

I believe SIL and BIL2B chose their destination because BIL2B grew up there and has many relatives there. So it makes sense and means something to them. SIL doesn't have many family members so perhaps she was thinking it would be easier for her smaller group to fly than for BIL2B's larger group to make it over to the UK. Regarding the date, I can understand the points people have made about the fact that the date would be difficult to choose. We absolutely would have made every effort to go if they pushed it back by 3-4 months, as a previous poster suggested. At the end of the day, though, the desire to change the date would need to come from SIL the last thing I would want would be for her to move it because she felt like she had to but didn't want to. Anything can happen in pregnancy and birth even if she moved to earlier to when I would be 6 months pregnant, perhaps there would be some reason I still couldn't fly and some reason why our family couldn't make it. So I can understand the logic behind people just saying they cant consider every potential factor for all the guests and just doing what they feel like doing because it's their wedding. I get that. I'm just sad that this occasion can't be one that makes family memories and helps us grow together, and I wish that she would have wanted to try to make it more possible for us to come -- but I am not going to hold that against her. Just expressing it through these posts has already helped me to let go and start to move on.

About the stealing thunder thing, I think most of you got the gist of what DH and I were trying to do. We reasoned that if someone hasn't yet gotten engaged, then there is no thunder to steal. I had read posts in the past (when I was engaged myself) by brides who were really annoyed when a SIL announced a pregnancy a few weeks after engagement, and since my SIL can be really sensitive about things like that, I thought she would appreciate that our news wouldn't come right after hers. We kept it low key and just casually told her and FIL and MIL when they were at our house for something else. We didn't know exactly when she would get engaged, just that there was a plan in the near future. DH really also thought it was better to let SIL know early as opposed to waiting for 12 weeks, having her be engaged, setting a date, planning her wedding, putting a deposit on a venue, and then us saying, "Surprise! We're pregnant!! And we can't go!" At least this way she had all the facts and DH wanted to maximise the chance that our family could attend. That still makes sense to me.

Thanks again for all of the helpful feedback and support.

My DM got married in Australia and knew that her large Scottish family wouldn't be able to attend (large family on my Australian dad's side wouldn't have been able to travel to Scotland either) so they did the wedding in Australia and had a second reception in Scotland (a backyard bbq affair). How about you say to your SIL and STBBIL that you would love to celebrate with them when they get back and arrange a bbq/small party at yours or similar for them? Agree with the posts about your DH not leaving you however if he really wants to go, see if you can arrange full time help for those days or go stay at your parents and have a back-up birth partner in place.

Surely you don't expect them to plan their wedding date around you? I'd have laughed if my sil had expected me to move my wedding back by months because it didn't suit her. As it happened my sil had a holiday booked to Australia at the time we got married, I just said don't worry about it if it can't be moved. She changed the date and came to the wedding in the end, that was her choice though. I know you can't change when a baby is coming but surely you don't expect other people to plan their wedding around you?

I'm not sure it's a destination wedding as such as they are having the wedding in the husbands home town. Isn't a destination wedding typically miles from either of the couples home and often in a holiday destination? 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's definitely not a destination wedding if it's either bride or grooms home town where family still live!! oooo actually can we say it is and l can say l had one given DH is not from my home town and we married there?!

According to the world of Quora and some bloke who runs a destination site, the definition of a destination wedding is a wedding that takes place over 100 miles away from where the bride (don't know why not groom) currently lives! I figure that if it takes some people 10 hours to fly there it's a destination wedding, even if the destination is the grooms home nation - at least for those doing the travelling

You warned them, they chose to book it anyway. Agree with others that it's too big a risk for your DH to go. Sad, but SIL's and BIL's fault.