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Original poster

Vent: SIL chose date just before my baby's due date for her destination wedding

132 replies

AngelenaBalarina · 04/07/2018 21:50

I'm just wondering how others would feel about this situation, and would appreciate perspective from brides as well as mums-to-be. Basically, right after my husband and I found out we were pregnant, he learned that SIL and her fiance' were planning to get engaged. I was only about 6 weeks pregnant at the time, but we decided to go ahead and tell SIL and my husbands extended family before SIL and her then BF got engaged so as not to "steal their thunder" (i.e., we were afraid that if we announced our pregnancy after they got engaged it might make them feel we were trying to take the spotlight away from the engagement) and so they could have their moment. In the same conversation, we chatted casually with SIL about the date when baby was due.

Fast-forward, and SIL and her fiance' got engaged a few days later and started chatting about dates and venues abroad for a destination wedding. SIL chatted with DH (her brother) about what her thoughts were and said the place they wanted to get married is a 10 hour flight from where we live and at a remote location -- and that she was looking to get married during the month baby is due. DH reminded SIL that I wouldn't be able to fly after about 6-7 months of pregnancy and reminded her when the baby was due and explained that I would not be able to attend if she chose that timeframe and that our two small children also would then not be able to attend, and that he certainly wouldn't risk leaving me too close to the due date to attend by himself.

In the end, SIL and her fiance' chose a date about 3 weeks before I am due, which means our children (SIL's only nephew and niece) and I won't be able to attend. This places DH in a difficult position as well, as he is nervous about going so close to the due date but will still probably go provided the pregnancy is straightforward. DH is sad to have to spend the money on an expensive flight ticket when the rest of us can't go, and is sad that the children and I won't be a part of the occasion. SIL has so few family members just her parents, brother (my DH) and myself along with DH's and my children. I do feel that SIL has always resented me for marrying her brother because they had a close relationship and he had less time for her after he started dating me and got married, but I had hoped that she had moved beyond those resentments as things seemed to be a bit better now that she had her own partner, and I hoped having all the family together for a wedding would be important to her.

As an aside, when DH and I got married, we also had an international wedding... but we asked his family when they were available to fly internationally and even accommodated SIL's work schedule and pushed our wedding back by two months so she could maintain the work schedule she wanted.

In the end, I totally believe that it's her right to chose when she has her wedding and obviously having the date and venue she wanted was more important to her than having her niece, nephew and me at her wedding. I just find it a bit of a disappointment that it wasn't a higher priority to her as from my perspective it's nice for family to be able to celebrate milestones together if at all possible. Wondering what others think of this, and how some of you would handle it. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
BluePheasant · 04/07/2018 22:57

3 weeks from your due date is full term. Way too close to call for your DH to be a 10 hour flight away (plus time waiting to even get a flight at late notice).

Very selfish of them. I’d reply ASAP saying none of you can attend. No need to apologise, you are having a baby and they knew that!

bunbunny · 04/07/2018 23:00

Another vote for them carefully selecting the date so that they think dh will go but you won't.

Plus I reckon that they will also throw a hissy fit about you not going because they will say that they have chosen that date because it's not too close to the due date for dh to go, three weeks is plenty of spare time etc (either without realising that this is not the case - lots of people who haven't had babies think that they will come on their due date or later and don't realise how on tenterhooks you are for that last month or because they've done it deliberately to get him there and leave you behind and make life awkward for you) and try to turn it into a personal thing that dh isn't going. If they do do this, he needs to just keep reiterating that he told them right at the start he wouldn't be able to go so close to your due date - they chose the date knowing he wouldn't be able to go and that actually he is the one that is feeling hurt, they have nothing to complain about.

zeeboo · 04/07/2018 23:01

I wouldn't arrange my wedding around relatives pregnancies so I don't think SIL in law has done anything wrong but your Dh definitely can't and shouldn't go. A shame, but not one you can control.

WerkSupp · 04/07/2018 23:02

Your DH needs to get a spine and tell her he's not going and that's that. All the other suggestions are ridiculous. Not everyone wants to send their kids thousands of miles away without them. Your SIL wants him there on his own or might not want him there at all. I can't believe your h is even considering going.

When did this trend for these stupid destination weddings start? They are the epitome of entitled wankery.

Celticlassie · 04/07/2018 23:02

My pregnancy was utterly uneventful and I was convinced I'd be a couple of weeks late. DD came at 37 weeks. Your DH can't go either.

PugwallsSummer · 04/07/2018 23:10

I also gave birth at 37 weeks unexpectedly and after a very easy & straightforward pregnancy.

Your DH should not be a 10
Hour flight away so close to your due date, and you should not be in sole charge of 2 children and the household while very heavily pregnant if avoidable - which it is.

DamsonGin · 04/07/2018 23:15

I'll join the consensus, I wouldn't be happy with my DH going that far that close to my due date.

DextroDependant · 04/07/2018 23:17

Surely your DH can't seriously planning to go?

There is every chance he could miss the birth, what will you be when he gets back, 38 weeks? All of my DV were born by then.

Even if you don't give birth it is unfair to leave you as sole carer of 2 young children at full term. You will be on pins all week. What would you do with he children whilst you are giving birth.

I think SIL has s one it to make her brother choose and so she can moan and make you look like the bad guy when he doesn't go.

dinosaurkisses · 04/07/2018 23:19

Is your DH actually seriously considering going?

Has he had a brain fart and forgot how miserable the last few weeks of pregnancy can be?

I'm guessing if it's an international wedding it's either Vegas or the Dominican Republic etc, so he'll be spending at least three days sunning himself with his feet up by the pool while you're potentially dealing with aching hips, swollen feet, midnight heartburn, Braxton hicks, pre-labour diarrhoea etc while running after your two kids? And constantly hoping that you don't go into labour, and if you do, worrying about having to get yourself to hospital!

I don't want to be doom and gloom, but in a fair and equal partnership it shouldn't even be a consideration for one partner to leave the other in circumstances like this.

MrsMoastyToasty · 04/07/2018 23:24

If she is eloping (which is basically what she is doing by having a wedding overseas ) she shouldn't expect the world and their uncle to traipse after her.

biffyboom · 04/07/2018 23:25

Your dh should chose to stay at home and support you and your children.

youngestisapsycho · 04/07/2018 23:27

She deliberately chose a date knowing none of you could attend... your DH should def not go.

annandale · 04/07/2018 23:27

If your SIL wants to get married within a month of your due date and wants your Dh there, she can get married near to you. It's not in the least difficult.

But tbh it might be that with such a limited amount of family herself she doesn't really get family ties and obligations. She might not mean anything by it. Always nice to offer to host a meal for them once the baby's three months old or similar.

m0therofdragons · 04/07/2018 23:33

Oh she's making her own brother do the pick me dance to prove to you she has more control over him than you.

Why on earth is he considering pandering to her?

DelphiniumBlue · 04/07/2018 23:34

Clearly you can't go, and neither can your DH, for reasons given by everyone.
But realistically, you wouldn't be able( or want) to fly long haul within about 10 weeks of due date, or for several weeks after (passport for baby, vaccinations etc, not to mention health, comfort and stress levels).That actually means about 5 months when you ( plural) couldn't go.
So either she changes her plans and dates drastically, or she accepts that none of you will be there.
Neither course would be wrong, but it is a big ask to expect her to plan around your pregnancy.
Although, fwiw, I wouldn't have dreamt of getting married without my brother being thete, and would have worked around this to accommodate him.
It's a discussion DH and SiL need to have, openly and honestly.
DH also needs to be clear about what you can cope with. I don't think it would be Ok for him to leave you with a newborn and 2 small children within several weeks of due date or giving birth. If he doesn't get this, you'll have to spell it out.

fieryginger · 05/07/2018 00:37

DH definitely shouldn't go. It's too close and the price SIL pays for choosing what she did.

londonrach · 05/07/2018 06:05

None of you can go. What happens if you go into labour (high chance) who looks after dc as those last few weeks are hard. Nice card and present and apologies x

londonrach · 05/07/2018 06:09

We had a similar situation in my family. My wedding was booked (same town as i grow up) and dsis found out she was pregnant due around the wedding date. Neither could be moved (my gran was dying hence wedding). My amazing sister made it to the wedding with a very new born but could relax at my parents. No way did i expect her to make it but my wedding wasnt a 10 hour flight away but a 5 minute walk from my parents house to the church.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 05/07/2018 06:10

You have a cast iron excuse for NOT shelling out money on a destination wedding.
Sounds like a win win situation!

villainousbroodmare · 05/07/2018 06:17

I'm normally not one of the posters who feels that the DH mustn't be beyond arm's reach in late pregnancy but in this case he absolutely cannot go and shouldn't even be considering it imo. Bad form, SIL.

elQuintoConyo · 05/07/2018 06:20

No no no no no and no.

I cannot believe your husband us thinking of going - where are his priorities? And why is he suggesting going alone? He is ythinking of shafting both his about-to-pop pregnant wife AND his two other children to go to his sister's big party 10 hours away.

Is the sister the Golden Child?

Gently explain to DH how fucking nuts his idea is and how shit it would be for all of you (you labouring alone, him missing the birth, children farmed out to whoever for childcare etc) and he should give his head a wobble.

"Thank you for the invite. Sorry we won't be able to attend. Best wishes, Balerina Family."

And give then €50 Amazon vpushers for a gift, maximum.

squiglet111 · 05/07/2018 06:28

She could have chosen the date to exclude you. She may be assuming that your husband and children would still go and leave you home. If she wanted you all there she would have booked it for at least a couple of months after baby is born. So i'd say none of you should go.

flumpybear · 05/07/2018 06:30

They've been ridiculous expecting anyone of your family to come! I'd be really cross if they expected my DH To potentially miss the arrival of his child - why the hell can't they make it a month or two later?!

BarbaraWarpecker · 05/07/2018 06:38

Agree that none of your family can possibly attend so far away and so close to your due date. SIL has knowingly done this but (1) when you have a destination wedding , you choose it knowing that important people might not be able to come, or (2) she probably feels your frosty disapproval, your disappointment in her (!) and doesn't particularly want you there.
She may not have much family of her own but that doesn't mean she's desperate for someone who doesn't seem to even like her to be there. Do you really want to joyously celebrate her wedding or are you just annoyed that you and your children appear to have been snubbed?

Boxerbinky · 05/07/2018 06:40

I am a firm believer that people should absolutely plan their wedding for themselves and sod what those around think.

However when choosing to have a destination wedding or no kids wedding etc you must be prepared to be understanding when people choose that they cannot attend.

In this case if the timing was different you would all be happy to travel, so it does seem that she is happy for you not to attend. If this attitude extends to her brother remains to be seen.

My DH would not be going anywhere 10 hours travel away that close to my due date. I wouldn't fancy juggling childcare and late stage pregnancy alone, and realistically you could drop at any time!

You need to decide if your DH is going, I think the shit will hit the fan if you both decide he is staying with you!