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Original poster

Vent: SIL chose date just before my baby's due date for her destination wedding

132 replies

AngelenaBalarina · 04/07/2018 21:50

I'm just wondering how others would feel about this situation, and would appreciate perspective from brides as well as mums-to-be. Basically, right after my husband and I found out we were pregnant, he learned that SIL and her fiance' were planning to get engaged. I was only about 6 weeks pregnant at the time, but we decided to go ahead and tell SIL and my husbands extended family before SIL and her then BF got engaged so as not to "steal their thunder" (i.e., we were afraid that if we announced our pregnancy after they got engaged it might make them feel we were trying to take the spotlight away from the engagement) and so they could have their moment. In the same conversation, we chatted casually with SIL about the date when baby was due.

Fast-forward, and SIL and her fiance' got engaged a few days later and started chatting about dates and venues abroad for a destination wedding. SIL chatted with DH (her brother) about what her thoughts were and said the place they wanted to get married is a 10 hour flight from where we live and at a remote location -- and that she was looking to get married during the month baby is due. DH reminded SIL that I wouldn't be able to fly after about 6-7 months of pregnancy and reminded her when the baby was due and explained that I would not be able to attend if she chose that timeframe and that our two small children also would then not be able to attend, and that he certainly wouldn't risk leaving me too close to the due date to attend by himself.

In the end, SIL and her fiance' chose a date about 3 weeks before I am due, which means our children (SIL's only nephew and niece) and I won't be able to attend. This places DH in a difficult position as well, as he is nervous about going so close to the due date but will still probably go provided the pregnancy is straightforward. DH is sad to have to spend the money on an expensive flight ticket when the rest of us can't go, and is sad that the children and I won't be a part of the occasion. SIL has so few family members just her parents, brother (my DH) and myself along with DH's and my children. I do feel that SIL has always resented me for marrying her brother because they had a close relationship and he had less time for her after he started dating me and got married, but I had hoped that she had moved beyond those resentments as things seemed to be a bit better now that she had her own partner, and I hoped having all the family together for a wedding would be important to her.

As an aside, when DH and I got married, we also had an international wedding... but we asked his family when they were available to fly internationally and even accommodated SIL's work schedule and pushed our wedding back by two months so she could maintain the work schedule she wanted.

In the end, I totally believe that it's her right to chose when she has her wedding and obviously having the date and venue she wanted was more important to her than having her niece, nephew and me at her wedding. I just find it a bit of a disappointment that it wasn't a higher priority to her as from my perspective it's nice for family to be able to celebrate milestones together if at all possible. Wondering what others think of this, and how some of you would handle it. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
PalePinkSwan · 04/07/2018 21:55

Your dh definitely shouldn’t go - even if it’s a straightforward pregnancy you could easily go into labour while he’s away!

I think best just to respond ASAP to the invitation declining, and include a note saying that - as she knows - your baby is due then so your family won’t be able to attend.

Asmallrole · 04/07/2018 21:58

Of course he shouldnt go ! Especially with the other DC to sort. You could have any sort of problem in the last month.

Hideandgo · 04/07/2018 22:01

10 hr flight away? No i wouldn’t be ok with that 3 weeks before baby #3. It’s bad enough minding two kids while heavily pregnant alone but the risk is too high.

ReadingRiot · 04/07/2018 22:07

I think it's very poor on SIL's part but I don't understand why DC can't go? I don't think any of them should go really, but if DH goes he should take DC with him

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2018 22:08

He definitely shouldn’t go. And it seems, sadly, like she was fine with that being the case.

In terms of what to do, send a card to the couple and say you’re sorry none of you will be there to celebrate with them. Leave it at that.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 04/07/2018 22:10

Dh should stay with you.
Send a good luck card to her dh.
I think he is gonna need it.

BackforGood · 04/07/2018 22:11

I was going to say that you can't expect other people to arrange their lives around you, but now I've read through your OP, I think you have a right to feel annoyed.
I really think your dh needs to say he isn't going either, just 3 weeks before your due date. Aside from the risk of baby coming early, being 37 weeks pregnant and having 2 small dc is no easy thing either. You and dh let your SiL know that before they'd started making any plans, o it can hardly be held against him if he doesn't go.

I totally respect the right of anyone to get married where and when they want, but it's not rocket science to work out that if you want to get married a 10 hour flight away, then not many people are going to be able to travel.

C0untDucku1a · 04/07/2018 22:12

First, why can’t your children go with your husband?
However, he shouldnt be going either. Ridiculous to book the wedding knowing full well that would be the outcome.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/07/2018 22:13

Maybe OP doesn't want to be without her kids for a week. I wouldn't want mine to be a 10 hour flight away from me.

SarcasticFringehead · 04/07/2018 22:13

I wouldn't want DH or kids to go - easy to go into labour at 37 weeks and I'd not want him to miss it.
SIL/BIL2B knew full well the deal. Why did they do this?!

Justmuddlingalong · 04/07/2018 22:14

Well she appears to have shot herself in the foot. Because not only will you and your current DC be able to attend, but with only 3 weeks before your due date it is cutting it too fine for your DH to attend.

FogCutter · 04/07/2018 22:16

Your husband cannot go if he's planning on being at the birth. A pregnancy is classed as term by 37 weeks so there's a fair chance you may go into labour whilst he's away.

After a text book late first baby my 2nd arrived 5 weeks early after less than an hour of labour so you never know what you are going to get!

EdithWeston · 04/07/2018 22:18

She's chosen a date that means you and your family cannot go.

You may never find out why, and we can only make guesses. But it has to have been chosen deliberately and in full knowledge of likely impact.

DH needs to say right now that - as he told them before - travelling that close to due date is a no-no. And perhaps email too (to reduce possibility of future misunderstandings, genuine or otherwise)

Teaandbiscuits35 · 04/07/2018 22:18

I’d be pissed off. I definitely would not be ok with my DH going so close to my due date. Your SIL sounds like a cow who would be ridiculous to expect her brother to leave his pregnant wife with 2 kids at such an important time. Anything could happen so close to your due date. He needs to tell her NONE of you can attend.

Sarahjconnor · 04/07/2018 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/07/2018 22:20

Agree that your dh shouldn't go. If he misses the birth, he and you will always resent her for putting him in that position. And I know there is no reason to assume the birth will be anything other than straightforward, but you can never say with absolute certainty and you don't want your husband to be a 10 hour flight away (and that's assuming he could get an immediate flight) if something went pear shaped.

dinosaurkisses · 04/07/2018 22:20

Are they doing a Vegas wedding?

I'd sit down and have a realistic conversation with DH about what he's asking of you here- being the sole carer of two young kids in the last two weeks of pregnancy.

I know at that stage I was very reliant on DH due to tiredness and aches and pains- I would absolutely Lose. My. Shit. if he seemed to forget that and put his dsis' badly thought out wedding over our family.

Doilooklikeatourist · 04/07/2018 22:21

Sadly , none of ypu will be able to attend
And let the silly selfish tart ( I mean SIL ) know asap

sue51 · 04/07/2018 22:23

That's too close to your due date for DH to attend. SIL should have had more consideration for you.

Graphista · 04/07/2018 22:23

Honestly I'd read that decision as she doesn't want you or the DC there but has shot herself in the foot, cos also honestly I would not be at all happy with dh going that far that close to due date! Far too risky!

Have the invites been sent yet? Maybe they only ever intended parents to go?

kaldefotter · 04/07/2018 22:24

Your DH can’t feasibly go, so close to your due date.

ExBbqQueen · 04/07/2018 22:25

Does your dh want to go? Will there be someone able to stay with you if he does go?

I’m reading it as she’s not really interested in you being there.

ohfourfoxache · 04/07/2018 22:26

Your dh really, really should not be going. It’s too risky.

Even if you don’t go into labour whilst he’s away, you’ll be very heavily pregnant and need all the support he can offer

Iloveacurry · 04/07/2018 22:28

Your DH should definitely not go. Too near to due date and too far for him to come home in an emergency.

InDubiousBattle · 04/07/2018 22:30

Do you think she's deliberately engineered it all to get your dh to herself on her wedding day? 3 weeks is an interesting time frame, longer and you might have gone, less and he wouldn't have gone. I wouldn't go if I was in your dh's position.