Vent: SIL chose date just before my baby's due date for her destination wedding

[AngelenaBalarina]

I'm just wondering how others would feel about this situation, and would appreciate perspective from brides as well as mums-to-be. Basically, right after my husband and I found out we were pregnant, he learned that SIL and her fiance' were planning to get engaged. I was only about 6 weeks pregnant at the time, but we decided to go ahead and tell SIL and my husbands extended family before SIL and her then BF got engaged so as not to "steal their thunder" (i.e., we were afraid that if we announced our pregnancy after they got engaged it might make them feel we were trying to take the spotlight away from the engagement) and so they could have their moment. In the same conversation, we chatted casually with SIL about the date when baby was due.

Fast-forward, and SIL and her fiance' got engaged a few days later and started chatting about dates and venues abroad for a destination wedding. SIL chatted with DH (her brother) about what her thoughts were and said the place they wanted to get married is a 10 hour flight from where we live and at a remote location -- and that she was looking to get married during the month baby is due. DH reminded SIL that I wouldn't be able to fly after about 6-7 months of pregnancy and reminded her when the baby was due and explained that I would not be able to attend if she chose that timeframe and that our two small children also would then not be able to attend, and that he certainly wouldn't risk leaving me too close to the due date to attend by himself.

In the end, SIL and her fiance' chose a date about 3 weeks before I am due, which means our children (SIL's only nephew and niece) and I won't be able to attend. This places DH in a difficult position as well, as he is nervous about going so close to the due date but will still probably go provided the pregnancy is straightforward. DH is sad to have to spend the money on an expensive flight ticket when the rest of us can't go, and is sad that the children and I won't be a part of the occasion. SIL has so few family members just her parents, brother (my DH) and myself along with DH's and my children. I do feel that SIL has always resented me for marrying her brother because they had a close relationship and he had less time for her after he started dating me and got married, but I had hoped that she had moved beyond those resentments as things seemed to be a bit better now that she had her own partner, and I hoped having all the family together for a wedding would be important to her.

As an aside, when DH and I got married, we also had an international wedding... but we asked his family when they were available to fly internationally and even accommodated SIL's work schedule and pushed our wedding back by two months so she could maintain the work schedule she wanted.

In the end, I totally believe that it's her right to chose when she has her wedding and obviously having the date and venue she wanted was more important to her than having her niece, nephew and me at her wedding. I just find it a bit of a disappointment that it wasn't a higher priority to her as from my perspective it's nice for family to be able to celebrate milestones together if at all possible. Wondering what others think of this, and how some of you would handle it. Thanks in advance.

My youngest was an uneventful pregnancy. I went in for a routine blood pressure check at 37 weeks and they emergency took him out that day. My other children were at school/nursery, I had no bags with me...total unplanned c section. What would you do if that happened to you while your husband is away? Have you got a relative to stay with you? I know so many people who had their babies at 37 weeks. I’d say it’s too risky.

My DH travels to the US for work sometimes - but we had a rule that he wouldn't do any foreign travel after 36 weeks.

My friend did actually go into labour while her DH was working abroad - baby was v premature (29 weeks) - and it was awful for them. He was trying to get a flight home, fretting about his wife giving birth/being on her own/missing the birth/whether they were ok etc etc.

Don't risk it.

You totally announced your pregnancy to steal her thunder, why else would you announce your pregnancy at —5 minutes— 6 weeks? And she clearly did not want any of your children there. Who could blame her when you are stating you and your children should have been a higher priority. How have you got to baby number 3 without realising that other people are not as interested in your kids as you are? I think you gave her an out and she grabbed it without causing a huge family fallout. So you should also do the mature thing and not make a bigger deal of it than is necessary.

3 weeks before your due date is term and you could easily go into labour with no prior signs then. Dh would miss it. He should stay at home.

After my wedding was booked dsil announced her pregnancy and her EDD was a week before my wedding. I actually offered to change the date as at that stage we hadn’t booked much apart from the venue. And this was just an hour down the road but I was worried about her either being very pregnant or having a small baby.

Also... what if you give birth the day before he is due to fly off?!? Will your DH be happy to leave you and the newborn and other DC in this situation? Will you lose the cost of the holiday?

Your DH clearly explained that if they chose a date after you were 7 months pg then none of you would be going. They chose the date with that knowledge - they clearly either don't want any of you there, or your SIL is childishly deliberately provoking your DH to have to choose between supporting his 37wk+pg wife or his sister. In any healthy relationship obviously he will choose his wife, it would be weird and perverse to abandon you that late in pregnancy. Anything can happen even in straightforward pregnancies. You need your DH nearby a he'll of a lot more than she needs her brother at her wedding.

I don't see how the SiL could possible 'win' in this situation.

The OP could pull any excuse out of the bag after the baby has been born, that could cause conflict within the family.

In short for those saying that the SiL should wait, how long should she wait to get married for?

Ten hours flight plus a remote location means that if anything should go wrong your dh will not be able to get back to you quickly at all (because either there will be a very limited amount of flights or there will be more hours travel involved). An easy pregnancy doesn't mean the baby won't come early or you won't need support close to the date, no way of predicting either eventuality.

I agree with everyone else, none of you can go on this date to this location.

If noone is interested in the OP's children then announcing her third pregnancy wasn't interesting news to anyone and no 'stealing of thunder' happened at all. Most families can cope with celebrating two very happy announcements occurring within a few weeks can't they?

Another thing to consider is that most people get limited holidays from work. So a week away on this wedding for hubby means a week less holiday to tack onto paternity leave when baby comes. So on that case it would be a no.

@Candyflip how exactly had the op stolen her sil's thunder? The OP was already pregnant she didn't get pregnant because her sil was planning to announce her engagement!

The op is concerned with how her DH travelling away for her sil wedding, at that stage in her pregnancy will affect her and her own family including her dc. Who may -according to you - not be important to anyone else, but probably are important to the op and her DH. She is courting opinion about if she is BU, she is not!

Sil is entitled to have her wedding her way, however I think the 'out' you talk of regarding the exclusion of the op is likely to extend to her own DB. Probably not the outcome she is hoping for.

If you and your DH are ok with him potentially missing the birth and you have very reliable backup on hand who can come and stay (eg your own mum, sister, close friend etc) - then it's possible for him to go. He can go max 2-3 nights. I have been in similar situation myself and it was managed perfectly well by having on-call help immediately available.

If that's not possible then your DH can't go, it's too close to the birth.

My textbook second pregnancy was born at 37 weeks within a few hours of labour starting. 37 weeks is term, DH needs to stay with you.

SIL may be being selfish or my just not care if any of you are there or not, but DH shouldn't go.

Another saying DH doesn't go either.

It does feel like she's picked a date she knows you can't go, but hopefully DH would go without you. He needs to stay home with you.

Tell her now, if she really wants you and DH there, she'll change the date. If she doesn't, she'll strop a bit but not change it.

Ihuntmonsters the OP clearly doesn’t see it though.

Boxerbinky why did she have to jump in quick to announce it then?

My DH wouldn't be going to Manchester, let alone the Mauritius if I was gonna be 37 weeks pregnant at the time!

She's never going to win: you announce your pregnancy very very early because you don't want to steal her thunder? Pull the other one. She plans a destination wedding after baby is born you won't go with a small baby, there's not enough time before you are 7 months to organize. She can't win this way looks to me like she has tried. Is she childless? She may not understand how much you need your dh.

You totally announced your pregnancy to steal her thunder, why else would you announce your pregnancy at —5 minutes— 6 weeks? And she clearly did not want any of your children there. Who could blame her when you are stating you and your children should have been a higher priority. How have you got to baby number 3 without realising that other people are not as interested in your kids as you are? I think you gave her an out and she grabbed it without causing a huge family fallout. So you should also do the mature thing and not make a bigger deal of it than is necessary. Agree with thus

37 weeks is term! Your DH might miss the birth of his child if he goes

My pregnancy was textbook but DS still made an early appearance at 36+6.

SIL is just going to have to suck it up, she knew the situation when she booked the wedding.

DH shouldn't go, but I don't think SIL has done this to be deliberately confrontational.

As PP have pointed out you are not going to fly 10 hours with a newborn either so they probably went with 3 weeks before hoping that her brother at least may be able to make it.

I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and decline the invitation for obvious reasons but say that you understand trying to pick a date to accommodate you would have been impossible but maybe the family could have a second celebration together when they get back.

@Candyflip she told close family, she didn't take out an advert!

She can't win - she announced it before to not take the shine off her sil's announcement and according to you she is stealing thunder, when would be the right time according to the announcement police!

A destination wedding 10 hours' flight away is ridiculous anyway - surely it would have cost a fortune for your entire family to go? Be grateful that you have the perfect reason for none of you to do so.

I think the comment of her having little family so she needs you is awful. She doesn't as given your contempt for her she likely knows you dislike her.

Their wedding, they choose the date, I'd not arrange mine around a third pregnancy, you could go on to have half a dozen more and then a date could never be set.

They may also want a child free wedding, having seen numerous babies and children ruin weddings I can see why more and more opt for this now.

The OP was the one who stated she was not stealing anyone’s thunder. I disagreed. She knew they were getting ready to announce their engagement.

And after consultation with the announcement police Boxer the correct time to announce is not so fucking early it makes the longest pregnancy in the world. We all know the type.