FSIL plans wedding week before ours

[Heff4lump]

Hi,
I'm not sure how I feel about the whole situation. We got engaged last September and in November last year we booked our wedding for April 2019. My brother got engaged before I did but they never made any plans or set a date to marry. Last weekend my FSIL announced that they had picked a date and was going to look round venue's. Obviously I was excited as my little brother was getting married until she announced that their wedding was the week before ours. They had always spoken about getting married the year after us so it was a huge shock. Is it right for me to feel annoyed by this? It has tainted my excitement for them. I have spoken to my brother who wants to get married next year but is not fussed when it is but my FSIL picked the date and won't change it. I have a whole load of emotions going on about the whole situation and I just don't know how to feel. My family are giving me money towards our wedding and told my brother that they would do the same for him because they thought the wedding would be a year later, now both weddings are within a week of eachother my family will struggle to find the money to help us both and I don't want that. My FSIL doesn't see what the big deal is and can't understand why I'm annoyed and upset about the whole situation, she said that they had been engaged longer so they should get married first although they have only been together 3 years and I have been with my FH 7 years. I would never ask them to change the date of their wedding but I think it's selfish that they have planned it the week before ours. I'm not one for being fussed over and I'd much rather take a back seat than be the centre of attention but the run up to my wedding I want to be the centre of attention and not have to share that, is that wrong for feeling like that?

Brother needs to grow a pair instead of allowing FW to walk all over him.

Why not change your wedding to Oct/Nov 2018?? that way everyone has 6 months for their bank balance to recover. You said you've been together 7 years so why not?

Fucking Sister-in-Law is spot on here, OP.

YANBU of course but had to smile at I'm not one for being fussed over and I'd much rather take a back seat than be the centre of attention but the run up to my wedding I want to be the centre of attention

In other words, you ARE one for being fussed over !! Be honest about yourself.

But it's a wedding so it's fair enough.

I think its best if you stay out of it and your parents have a very stern word with your brother. This is not on. Its such bad taste that your parents should be going ballistic and if that pair won't listen l hope your parents tell him that they have no time to save to contribute to their wedding.
Get your save the day out today even if it means just messaging people. Everyone will see how mean they are.
I wouldn't worry about you not enjoying your lead up or day but for your family and guests from your side this is horrendous. I hope they all boycott it.
Image your poor dm having to buy two fancy outfits for one week. I think your brother needs to man up and cop on. He should show some respect for his family and you.

Very poor form-I'd have another go at them both and if they still won't move, can you move yours a month or so earlier?

get your save the date cards out NOW! Seriously bad form on the part of your DB

What junebirthday said. Parents need to tell them they're financially on their own if they choose that date, and they will make sure those who can only afford to attend one wedding/get time off work will be told to prioritise yours.
Brother needs to grow a pair. I would never let my DH have suggested a week before my bro/sis.

I have something a bit similar but not as bad.

My cousin has been engaged for 2 years without managing to book a date. I subsequently got engaged and booked up. When I told her she seemed quite taken aback. Within a week she was now booking their wedding. My wedding not that far away so she is running about doing it at short notice.

I don’t care if she gets married before us but I really feel like she does care given the timing of it all. But I can’t say that to anyone or I will seem like a cow.

I think your SIL is going to end up looking v silly. I would just stick to your plans and ignore her.

Your dh and sil are dicks. Yanbu

Whilst I live the idea of booking your hen the weekend before your wedding it will just cause escalation and you could further plunge your family into a Cold War.

You won't convince either FSIL or 'D'B to change. So you have to think of another way.

Personally, I'd investigate moving my wedding. Talk to your venue about what has happened. They may have a cancellation a few weeks / months later. I know you shouldn't have to but if you don't consider this option, your day will be unavoidably changed. Conversations will be different. Atmosphere. She's already changed your day. Take that power away from her & reclaim your vision of your day.

If you do this, your parents get some breathing space, your guests don't have to fork out & give up two weeks in a row.

Then keep everything a secret. Share nothing about your menu, dress, ...NOTHING. Make a joke out of it if you like.

FSIL and DB have made their feelings about your family clear: they don't give a shit. Prove to your family that YOU do.

This sounds so mature and grown up. Don't make the start of your married life be linked with such nasty and childish actions.

They sound like a pair of twats. Your brother is worse as it’s his family that he’s happy to screw over. I’d definitely be on your hen that day.

Tell them you won’t be going as you will be busy preparing for your own day. If your parents are on board, they can do the same.

When they realise no one will come, they might have a rethink. They sound like a pair of arseholes.

she said that they had been engaged longer so they should get married first although they have only been together 3 years and I have been with my FH 7 years.

You both sound a bit competitive there!

I'm not one for being fussed over and I'd much rather take a back seat than be the centre of attention but the run up to my wedding I want to be the centre of attention and not have to share that, is that wrong for feeling like that?

Hmmm-you do want to be the centre of attention then!

How will you feel if you get pregnant and someone else (her?) gets pregnant 6 weeks later? Will you feel like she stole your ‘thunder’?

I can understand this must be a bit annoying though. What’s your relationship with him/her/them like otherwise? They’ve been together a while so you presumably know her quite well. Is this out of character?

I would look at moving your wedding either to autumn this year, or to autumn next year. I know you shouldn't have to, but it'll be better. But don't tell them!

Don’t move anything until she has actually booked and paid a deposit. If you move your date she may well choose another inconvenient date when she actually books.
YY to asking parents to have a gentle word with brother and FSIL before they book anything. (They have the leverage of financial help if the want to use it).

Never heard of such behaviour.
DB is crazy for doing this and FSIL has a funny way of starting married life and getting on with her in-laws.

This is an awful thing to do.

I was a bit miffed when my sister booked her wedding 3 months before mine (after meeting 'the one' 3 days after i got engaged - for context she had went on hundreds of dates with guys who she said were unsuitable for rediculous reasons........)

I agree that to save it looking like u are being unreasonable (which u 100% are not) id ask your parents to have another word.

The last month before your wedding should be exciting for you and your close family.

In reality all focus will be on your brothers and then ul get a week of 'one down, one to go' type comments.

Also make sure ur family know it wasnt you who booked yours a week after. I gots lots of 'why did you decide to have your weddings so close?' As people naturally assumed that the first wedding was booked first.

Best of luck OP. Its a really shitty thing to do and you're quite right to be upset.

Very selfish of her and your brother. I think most family members attending would be annoyed at two weddings a week apart. She’s being very unreasonable.

I take it they aren't having a honeymoon, Or will they not be attending your wedding because they are on honeymoon?
Very poor form from both of them and I really feel for your joint guests and the expense they will incur.
I know you don't want to move your wedding and you really shouldn't have too, but most venues have amazing deals for January to March (excluding valentine's). I would be tempted to move it forward, just so you can enjoy the build up to your wedding and not feel like your in their shadow.
Plus those close to you know you booked first and will be grateful if you move it forward by a month or two.

The stress of 2 family weddings a week after the other is ridiculous tbh.

Unfortunately it would be down to your brother to put his foot down and say that date doesn't work.

This sadly is a sign of how their marriage is going to be. She decides on something and he agrees.

It's not about who has been together longer or who got engaged first...It's 2 siblings having a wedding within a week of each other.

Can't your brother see the impact? Same guests, the travel, the expense for your parents...the all round stress.

Your future SIL is thoughtless...but your brother is allowing it.

You can either change your date (don't tell her when) so you can be the centre of attention OR just focus on your own wedding and leave them to it.

You're going to get people making comparisons and that would annoy me.

Someone I know had this done too her... But she got the last laugh...
She got everyone attending both and did it USA style... they booked out a big house near by and had a week long work up to the wedding... lots of low key meet ups... the 1st bride nearly flipped her lid over it all.... as the people who travelled were having sic a fantastic holiday with a wedding to finish.

To various PPs who’ve said ‘they won’t be at your wedding because they’re on honeymoon’ - not a single one of the many couples who’s weddings I’ve been to in the last few years have gone on honeymoon right after the wedding. It’s usually a few weeks after these days, if not months.

My FSIL doesn't see what the big deal is and can't understand why I'm annoyed and upset about the whole situation

Oh she does, but she's just a complete bitch to put it honestly.

That is dreadful.

So on the weekend before you wedding, when you should be either having your hen or just generally doing last minute prep, you have to attend her wedding?

And no thought for the guests who will have to either attend both, travel twice in a week or book hotels or have to choose which one to attend.

Awful.

Two years ago we did two weddings in two days, 150 miles apart. We did the first one on the Friday, got home at 2am, then got up early and drove the 150 miles to the second one and got home at 1am the following night. We were absolutely shattered! However, these people didn't know each other, one wedding was DP's friends, the other was mine. Worth it but financially it was crippling!